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Original poster

Help me address this with exh without starting ww3

127 replies

Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:23

Posting here because it falls across a few categories. Bear with me...

I went through a dreadful divorce many years ago but in recent years exh and I have become good friends. Definitely the last 2 years have been the best yet and obviously that's much better for the dds. Also he has genuinely pulled his weight much more than in the past and they notice that too.

Dds are 11 and 8. They both have greasy hair now but you won't ever see it in my care because I make them wash their hair enough. . I don't mean a tiny bit greasy I mean it's visible and it smells. Dd1 washes her hair daily and doesn't make a fuss. Her hair is visibly greasy after less than 24 hours. As in she washes evenings and it's greasy when she gets home from school the next day. Dd2 can go max 48 hours and does make a fuss about washing her hair but I won't tolerate it. Dd2 still needs help from an adult. Dd1 can wash her own hair really well now. I have a very ordinary electric shower. I own my house. This is relevant.

Dd1 is suffering with acne which is worse around her hairline on her forehead. We are using effeclar wash and cream and the daily hair washing with head and shoulders does seem to help. If she misses a day it will flare. If she doesnt dry her hair properly it will flare. I assume that's about bacteria build up but I digress.

When the kids go to exh this all goes to shit. Without droning for pages they are returned to me a lot with greasy hair and loads of spots. It makes me sad because dd1 is about to get self conscious, it's not fair. She doesn't complain when her skin is bad but she's much lighter in herself when it's clear. This time around it's taken about a fortnight for her skin to calm down after getting back from dads. This has been the worst incident yet.

I've had a few conversations with exh and he's not completely unaware. He lets the kids negotiate all sorts he admits. He is renting and the water pressure is awful so dd1 cannot shampoo her hair properly (any solutions to this???) to the point where the kids will request stopping off at my house, showering and then going to dads. Not every day though and this is a bit ludicrous.

I could not collect the kids from dads in the morning and go out for the day because I know they will be a state.

I met up with them after school recently and felt awful for dd1 who saw a few friends for the first time since covid with her hair stuck flat to her head looking awful. She had been at dads one night.

I've told him what to buy. I've told him the routine. I've explained everything over and over.

I could start reeling contact back but I doubt that's the best outcome and I need a break now and then.

They have come back in some ropey outfits a bit grubby for years but it was forgivable when they were little but it's not now.

I need him to do the tasks. I need him to understand but also any advice/wisdom about dd1 skin staying under control he can do also accepted!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 18/10/2021 23:25

Dry shampoo

LaurieFairyCake · 18/10/2021 23:25

And simple face wash

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:27

@LaurieFairyCake

Dry shampoo
Dd1 hates it. We've tried that. That was the trade off - either she lets me chase her with the dry shampoo or she washes her hair every day. She chose washing her hair. It was a good shout though.
OP posts:
ShowMeHow · 18/10/2021 23:27

One of those hose things to put on the taps and wash hair over bath?

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:27

@ShowMeHow

One of those hose things to put on the taps and wash hair over bath?
I thought about that not seen one in years
OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/10/2021 23:28

@ShowMeHow

One of those hose things to put on the taps and wash hair over bath?
Yes. I got one for about a tenner on amazon.
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:29

@LaurieFairyCake

And simple face wash
Only the effeclar face wash seems to have any effect but dd1 will shirk washing her face properly at dads and I gave him face cloths 😡
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:30

@ABCeasyasdohrayme ahh seen one 8.99 I will store that ready for the chat...

OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 18/10/2021 23:33

What do you mean she hates dry shampoo? It's just a spray. What is it she hates?

She is old enough to be told to buck up her ideas and wash her hair at dads. She can do it in a bath or she can do it leaning over the sink using the shower head.

Pantsomime · 18/10/2021 23:34

Give them travel mirrors perhaps so they can see how they look whilst away. I don’t think you can do much about it until they themselves think they look a mess. It’s hard though because you don’t want them to be obsessed with their appearances, just clean, you have my sympathy. How about a before you left photo and a welcome back look at your skin because you haven’t washed photo?

MamsellMarie · 18/10/2021 23:36

You can wash hair over the sink and use a plastic jug or cup to pour water over to rinse (changing the water a couple of times) - though she would need a hand with that and might have to kneel on a chair.

BaronessBomburst · 18/10/2021 23:36

It's actually very easy to wash your hair over the sink. I used to do it all the time as a teen in the 80's - and I had long hair. It's easier to use a plastic beaker.
Have you tried a mild/ baby shampoo to help with the greasiness? Easier to rinse out too.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/10/2021 23:37

Can you show your DD how to wash her hair in the sink with a jug? (like we did in the olden days 😉)

NigellaAwesome · 18/10/2021 23:37

On a bit of a tangent, have you considered that the greasy hair and spots might be related to a food intolerance?

scoobydoo1971 · 18/10/2021 23:39

Advice to their father maybe perceived as 'nagging'. I have recently increased my personal hygiene tips for my children, aged 10 & 13. The 10 year old is listening to gentle advice that you need to shower/ wash every day as hormones kick in. Low water pressure would be something for your ex-h to address with his landlord. It would be a basic need of a tenancy to have adequate supply. It could point to a leak in the building.

ZenNudist · 18/10/2021 23:40

I think you can't blame exH at 11 it's your dds responsibility to wash her own face and hair. He can tell her but can't make her. It's rubbish to blame water pressure because you could do your hair in the sink with a cup and rinse over the bath. Tbh I'd just let her get greasy hair and spots. You can gently remind her but if she's not pointing it out or openly bothered I think you have to leave her to it.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:41

@NigellaAwesome

On a bit of a tangent, have you considered that the greasy hair and spots might be related to a food intolerance?
No but tell me about that please - what are common triggers? Dd1 only drinks water and doesn't have much of a sweet tooth. She's the healthiest eater in our house!
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:42

@scoobydoo1971

Advice to their father maybe perceived as 'nagging'. I have recently increased my personal hygiene tips for my children, aged 10 & 13. The 10 year old is listening to gentle advice that you need to shower/ wash every day as hormones kick in. Low water pressure would be something for your ex-h to address with his landlord. It would be a basic need of a tenancy to have adequate supply. It could point to a leak in the building.
I haven't looked that closely but I doubt it's bad enough for that. Both the dds have quite thick hair - as do i and I will struggle in all sorts of places - hotels etc with water pressure and getting shampoo out.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 18/10/2021 23:43

I think the problem is with you and insisting on the frequent hairwashing. Sensible suggestion of dry shampoo made which you have rejected. I doubt the hair smells after one day. Chasing kids with dry shampoo is bonkers. You need to stop being so uptight.

CornishTiger · 18/10/2021 23:44

Try moo goo dry shampoo. It’s a powder not a spray.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:45

@ZenNudist

I think you can't blame exH at 11 it's your dds responsibility to wash her own face and hair. He can tell her but can't make her. It's rubbish to blame water pressure because you could do your hair in the sink with a cup and rinse over the bath. Tbh I'd just let her get greasy hair and spots. You can gently remind her but if she's not pointing it out or openly bothered I think you have to leave her to it.
This is my dp position too.

IMO the kids shouldn't be going out looking like that. I expect the teachers at their schools can tell which parent brought them that day and that makes me sad. And embarrassed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:46

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Can you show your DD how to wash her hair in the sink with a jug? (like we did in the olden days 😉)
I can.....I'm tempted to covertly video it though because she would make a right meal out of it 😂
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:46

@CornishTiger

Try moo goo dry shampoo. It’s a powder not a spray.
Thank you I will look that up
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:47

@BaronessBomburst

It's actually very easy to wash your hair over the sink. I used to do it all the time as a teen in the 80's - and I had long hair. It's easier to use a plastic beaker. Have you tried a mild/ baby shampoo to help with the greasiness? Easier to rinse out too.
That's a really shout with the baby shampoo I will suggest that
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:49

@Viviennemary

I think the problem is with you and insisting on the frequent hairwashing. Sensible suggestion of dry shampoo made which you have rejected. I doubt the hair smells after one day. Chasing kids with dry shampoo is bonkers. You need to stop being so uptight.
Thank you for your comment
OP posts: