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Original poster

Help me address this with exh without starting ww3

127 replies

Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:23

Posting here because it falls across a few categories. Bear with me...

I went through a dreadful divorce many years ago but in recent years exh and I have become good friends. Definitely the last 2 years have been the best yet and obviously that's much better for the dds. Also he has genuinely pulled his weight much more than in the past and they notice that too.

Dds are 11 and 8. They both have greasy hair now but you won't ever see it in my care because I make them wash their hair enough. . I don't mean a tiny bit greasy I mean it's visible and it smells. Dd1 washes her hair daily and doesn't make a fuss. Her hair is visibly greasy after less than 24 hours. As in she washes evenings and it's greasy when she gets home from school the next day. Dd2 can go max 48 hours and does make a fuss about washing her hair but I won't tolerate it. Dd2 still needs help from an adult. Dd1 can wash her own hair really well now. I have a very ordinary electric shower. I own my house. This is relevant.

Dd1 is suffering with acne which is worse around her hairline on her forehead. We are using effeclar wash and cream and the daily hair washing with head and shoulders does seem to help. If she misses a day it will flare. If she doesnt dry her hair properly it will flare. I assume that's about bacteria build up but I digress.

When the kids go to exh this all goes to shit. Without droning for pages they are returned to me a lot with greasy hair and loads of spots. It makes me sad because dd1 is about to get self conscious, it's not fair. She doesn't complain when her skin is bad but she's much lighter in herself when it's clear. This time around it's taken about a fortnight for her skin to calm down after getting back from dads. This has been the worst incident yet.

I've had a few conversations with exh and he's not completely unaware. He lets the kids negotiate all sorts he admits. He is renting and the water pressure is awful so dd1 cannot shampoo her hair properly (any solutions to this???) to the point where the kids will request stopping off at my house, showering and then going to dads. Not every day though and this is a bit ludicrous.

I could not collect the kids from dads in the morning and go out for the day because I know they will be a state.

I met up with them after school recently and felt awful for dd1 who saw a few friends for the first time since covid with her hair stuck flat to her head looking awful. She had been at dads one night.

I've told him what to buy. I've told him the routine. I've explained everything over and over.

I could start reeling contact back but I doubt that's the best outcome and I need a break now and then.

They have come back in some ropey outfits a bit grubby for years but it was forgivable when they were little but it's not now.

I need him to do the tasks. I need him to understand but also any advice/wisdom about dd1 skin staying under control he can do also accepted!

OP posts:

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 10:41

@neededafart

Completely off topic, but you sound like a really, lovely and caring mum. your girls are very lucky to have you

Thanks I am trying my best

OP posts:

EveningOverRooftops · 19/10/2021 10:54

A low pressure garden washer. The thing you pump with your hand. Then use that to wash their hair. Just fill it with warm water with no soap. I use and have one for when camping for showering as it’s infinitely better than a bowl of water and is better than those stupid solar showers.

Dad will need to help by holding it or the DDs can be taught how to do it together I guess but it should make washing their hair easier at dads in the short term.

EmmaJR1 · 19/10/2021 11:00

I'm not sure if this has been suggested but is there a way your dd's hair can be braided before going to dads that might last til they get back to you.

Put in the dry shampoo before braiding and hope for the best?

Sorry if it's been suggested

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 11:29

@EmmaJR1

I'm not sure if this has been suggested but is there a way your dd's hair can be braided before going to dads that might last til they get back to you.

Put in the dry shampoo before braiding and hope for the best?

Sorry if it's been suggested

She won't tolerate dry shampoo. She has let me plait her hair over night to stop it tangling and on days she has pe though this is v v new in the last month. Dd1 I suspect has mild sensory issues - can't tolerate a right waistband so won't wear jeans or anything like it. She has skinny trackies in loads of colours because otherwise she would have no winter trousers. She can't wear tights. She can't tolerate a fabric with any kind on lumps of irritants I return clothes for her relentlessly that kind of thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 11:30

@EveningOverRooftops

Dad will need to help by holding it or the DDs can be taught how to do it together I guess but it should make washing their hair easier at dads in the short term.

Omg I am dead. I first thought you meant exh should wash dd in the garden with a hose!!!!!

OP posts:

nomoneytreehere · 19/10/2021 11:43

I have really thick hair. When I was young I used to wash my hair over the bath and then stick my head under the (cold) tap to make sure all the soap was out. A cold rinse makes it shiny too. I get she might not want to use cold water - can't you buy her a jug?

My daughters hair is similar. I wish to god I could get her to wash it more as it looks vile when it needs a wash. She uses the green L'Oréal elvive shampoo and that has helped a lot.

Whatwouldnanado · 19/10/2021 11:57

Do they take a multi vitamin? Might help with the skin and hair. Agree the Body Shop ginger or Aussie shampoos. I imagine the girls hate all the fuss over this, so buy them shampoo, jugs and dryers for both homes and teach them how to sort themselves out.

Okbutnotgreat · 19/10/2021 12:02

I think using vinegar in the final rinse is supposed to be good for removing grease residue. We love our head and shoulders shampoos here and find them great for long hair.

Personally when my older Dc were dealing with this I would plait her hair and just leave it for a couple of days. It would stay neat enough to not need to touch it and kept it off her face. If she’s getting bad skin at 11 ask your GP for help but we found charcoal soap from Boots worked brilliantly.

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 12:08

@Whatwouldnanado

Solid advice there. I've got one of those squishy jugs for washing baby hair I could send that

OP posts:

MultiStorey · 19/10/2021 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mowglika · 19/10/2021 12:45

It’s strange your dds hair gets so greasy so quickly, I had/still have greasy hair but it was never so bad within 24 hours. Maybe try reducing washing to every other day and see if that improves the length of time she can go without a hair wash. Also H&S really strips back all the natural oils and it sounds like the excessive grease is a reaction to that. Try gentler shampoos.

Regarding when they go to their dads can you maybe get them to wash and then rub some dry shampoo in right after their hair is freshly dried? That was the best way to use dry shampoo for me as by the time it was greasy even with the dry shampoo it was an icky mess. It might help them go a bit longer until they desperately need a wash.

VitalsStable · 19/10/2021 12:52

Tigi men's clarifying shampoo was excellent when DD got to the greasy hormonal phase. It has to be them who make the decision to do the hair washing and keep on top of it though.

Velvian · 19/10/2021 12:58

Change from head and shoulders, it leaves a greasy coating on the hair. Use a non creamy shampoo, apple or tea tree are good for my DD. Do not use a 2 in 1 shampoo. If she misses a day washing it will be much less noticeable.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/10/2021 13:06

I have a DS with similar issues, the doctor recommended Selsun shampoos and its worked. You can buy it from behind counter in pharmacies.
www.medicines.org.uk/emc/product/4323/pil

Also for spots I recommend salicylic acid, does a fantastic job of cleaning out pore, put a layer over affected area at bedtime. This is a good one:
www.boots.com/sitesearch?searchTerm=Revolution%20Skincare%20Salicylic%20Acid%20Serum

NotMyCat · 19/10/2021 14:16

That's a good point actually, if the bath is a mixer tap then just stick head under that or use the sink (kitchen sink?)

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 14:58

[quote Ohsugarhoneyicetea]I have a DS with similar issues, the doctor recommended Selsun shampoos and its worked. You can buy it from behind counter in pharmacies.
www.medicines.org.uk/emc/product/4323/pil

OP posts:

MetricMs · 19/10/2021 17:55

I have 3 teens, they’ve all been through various stages of greasy/ultra greasy hair, acne and not being remotely bothered by it (or personal hygiene - until all of a sudden they are).

Depending on the child things that helped:

Doctor for one (photos emailed as no face to face) - low dose antibiotics for skin, he’ll be on those for a few years most likely

Low to zero milk - yoghurt, cheese etc seems to be fine, my boys have some on their cereal my daughter can’t have any (she has oat milk). If one of the boys uses it for smoothies his skin gets worse, although the other is fine

I keep the Effaclar lotion (toner/ astringent- contains salicylic acid) by the bathroom sink. They’re meant to use it after washing their face (am/pm) but when they’re being lazy and don’t wash at least they swipe this over their face with a washable cotton pad before bed.

Mild shampoo - head and shoulders is very harsh.

Mine all went through a stage where they really didn’t notice hygiene. Even after they did they get easily distracted so it does take some reminding - sadly I doubt you’ll get much help from your ex if he’s anything like mine but good luck!

NigellaAwesome · 19/10/2021 23:05

I had mentioned food intolerances earlier, and apologies for the delay in responding to your question OP.

The most common culprits for acne / skin conditions tend to be wheat and diary. I am a devotee of the Whole30, which is basically a 30 day elimination diet designed to identify food triggers. Perhaps have a look? Whole30

You also mentioned fungal acne. My DD had severe fungal growths on her scalp for years, and we tried prescription shampoos, apple cider vinegar sprays, olive oil rubs - you name it. In the end, after dying her hair, coincidentally the fungus went, never to return. I think it must have been the hydrogen peroxide that did it in the end.

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 20/10/2021 09:22

@MetricMs

I have 3 teens, they’ve all been through various stages of greasy/ultra greasy hair, acne and not being remotely bothered by it (or personal hygiene - until all of a sudden they are).

Depending on the child things that helped:

Doctor for one (photos emailed as no face to face) - low dose antibiotics for skin, he’ll be on those for a few years most likely

Mild shampoo - head and shoulders is very harsh.

Thank you I've seen the effeclar toner and wondered about it. I bought dd1 the nipfab pads but she didn't like the sticky residue on her face so she wouldn't entertain those. Sigh

OP posts:

Original poster

Burnerphone21 · 20/10/2021 09:23

@NigellaAwesome

I had mentioned food intolerances earlier, and apologies for the delay in responding to your question OP.

Thank you I will look at that. I could drop milk in our house and swap it out I don't think anyone would care that much I will Consider this.

OP posts:

fuzzwuss · 20/10/2021 10:53

I see a vinegar wash has already been recommended, and can say that it really works for dd. Cuts down the grease. I mix it in a plastic jug and give it to her in the shower for the final rinse. Does not make hair smell of vinegar, makes hair softer and glossy.

yefferson · 20/10/2021 11:07

Like pp, I'd recommend Nizoral, the Body Shop ginger shampoo, or Faith in Nature (any of the scents for oily hair or the unscented version). Head and Shoulders is absolutely terrible for oily hair. Looking up hairstyles for oily hair would also help her be neat even if she can't or doesn't want to wash her hair constantly at her dad's.

Skinwise, she could try products with niacinamide and the CeraVe face wash. Moisturising is also important to avoid triggering over-production of oil, so maybe E45 or similar gentle moisturiser would work. In general though I think (from experience with a mum very similar to you - who made me feel worse about my acne than anyone else ever did and didn't understand it because she never had it) that there's a difference between being clean/hygienic and having the focus of attention on her at such a sensitive age being about appearance. For the acne especially, there may be little she can do about it, regardless of products, particularly if it's hormonal.

TaraR2020 · 20/10/2021 19:15

@Burnerphone21 I forgot to say (and not read more recent replies to see if suggested elsewhere) but they should only apply conditioner to the lengths of their hair, never the crown.

Agree with pp that body shop ginger shampoo is great

chesirecat99 · 20/10/2021 19:22

The Nilaqua shampoo caps could be an alternative to washing at her DF's. The NHS use them:

www.boots.com/nilaqua-rinse-free-shampoo-cap-10219520

AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 19:22

Sudocreme has zinc in. She could try applying that around the hairline at night?

Sorry if I missed it but can she not wash it in the bath?

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