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Original poster

Help me address this with exh without starting ww3

127 replies

Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:23

Posting here because it falls across a few categories. Bear with me...

I went through a dreadful divorce many years ago but in recent years exh and I have become good friends. Definitely the last 2 years have been the best yet and obviously that's much better for the dds. Also he has genuinely pulled his weight much more than in the past and they notice that too.

Dds are 11 and 8. They both have greasy hair now but you won't ever see it in my care because I make them wash their hair enough. . I don't mean a tiny bit greasy I mean it's visible and it smells. Dd1 washes her hair daily and doesn't make a fuss. Her hair is visibly greasy after less than 24 hours. As in she washes evenings and it's greasy when she gets home from school the next day. Dd2 can go max 48 hours and does make a fuss about washing her hair but I won't tolerate it. Dd2 still needs help from an adult. Dd1 can wash her own hair really well now. I have a very ordinary electric shower. I own my house. This is relevant.

Dd1 is suffering with acne which is worse around her hairline on her forehead. We are using effeclar wash and cream and the daily hair washing with head and shoulders does seem to help. If she misses a day it will flare. If she doesnt dry her hair properly it will flare. I assume that's about bacteria build up but I digress.

When the kids go to exh this all goes to shit. Without droning for pages they are returned to me a lot with greasy hair and loads of spots. It makes me sad because dd1 is about to get self conscious, it's not fair. She doesn't complain when her skin is bad but she's much lighter in herself when it's clear. This time around it's taken about a fortnight for her skin to calm down after getting back from dads. This has been the worst incident yet.

I've had a few conversations with exh and he's not completely unaware. He lets the kids negotiate all sorts he admits. He is renting and the water pressure is awful so dd1 cannot shampoo her hair properly (any solutions to this???) to the point where the kids will request stopping off at my house, showering and then going to dads. Not every day though and this is a bit ludicrous.

I could not collect the kids from dads in the morning and go out for the day because I know they will be a state.

I met up with them after school recently and felt awful for dd1 who saw a few friends for the first time since covid with her hair stuck flat to her head looking awful. She had been at dads one night.

I've told him what to buy. I've told him the routine. I've explained everything over and over.

I could start reeling contact back but I doubt that's the best outcome and I need a break now and then.

They have come back in some ropey outfits a bit grubby for years but it was forgivable when they were little but it's not now.

I need him to do the tasks. I need him to understand but also any advice/wisdom about dd1 skin staying under control he can do also accepted!

OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 18/10/2021 23:51

Does she wear a hairband? To keep the hair off her forehead as much as possible.

NFLBingo · 18/10/2021 23:53

The constant washing and then the drip to every other day will have a noticeable difference, also are you sure it is the best shampoo for them both to use? There is a dry shampoo which is a foam which is meant to be great, I can’t remember the brand but it’s from the US and could maybe be used in between washes?
I found when I lessened my dairy and white bread intake and upped my water intake to 2.5-3L my hair became less greasy and more manageable so I could cut down to every 2-3 days with a quick dry shampoo spritz.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:53

@ImUninsultable

Does she wear a hairband? To keep the hair off her forehead as much as possible.
I know I need to dry and get her to but I think she will be quite resistant. She doesn't have a fringe so it's not sitting on her face that much but I think she should use a soft stretchy one at night
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:55

@NFLBingo

The constant washing and then the drip to every other day will have a noticeable difference, also are you sure it is the best shampoo for them both to use? There is a dry shampoo which is a foam which is meant to be great, I can’t remember the brand but it’s from the US and could maybe be used in between washes? I found when I lessened my dairy and white bread intake and upped my water intake to 2.5-3L my hair became less greasy and more manageable so I could cut down to every 2-3 days with a quick dry shampoo spritz.
I'm all ears for other shampoos. We have tried the L'Oréal clay shampoo which makes their hair nice but then dd1 came home with a big acne flare so I went back to H&S to try and calm it down. I only think it helps because it's right in her hairline.
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:57

@NFLBingo

The constant washing and then the drip to every other day will have a noticeable difference, also are you sure it is the best shampoo for them both to use? There is a dry shampoo which is a foam which is meant to be great, I can’t remember the brand but it’s from the US and could maybe be used in between washes? I found when I lessened my dairy and white bread intake and upped my water intake to 2.5-3L my hair became less greasy and more manageable so I could cut down to every 2-3 days with a quick dry shampoo spritz.
That's really interesting about the dairy. Dd1 only drinks water but has milk on cereal daily and she loves smoked cheese but doesn't have it daily. She went off yoghurt for ages but then went back to it because I bought those little probiotic drinks for lunch boxes. I thought they might help but maybe not?

Today she's only had the milk on her cereal and a fruit corner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 18/10/2021 23:58

She has wraps in her luck box is that the same as white bread? She doesn't really care I could change the bread

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 19/10/2021 00:06

It's easy enough to use a jug to wash hair. They can do it in the bath for ease and then finish by standing and rinsing their hair and body with fresh water - I'm old, it's what we everyone used to do before showers became popular. If the kids were bothered they'd do that

Eyerollsausageroll · 19/10/2021 00:09

Can she section of her hair and do what we used to refer to as a "fringe wash" in school.

Those of us with full fringes back then, rather than washing our whole hair daily would just wash and dry the first inch or 2 from the hairline towards the crown, maybe a full hair wash every 2nd/3rd day. This works well over a sink too. Rest of hair tied away in a ponytail, dip the front section of hair in the water, shampoo, rinse, dry, off you go.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 00:12

@Eyerollsausageroll

Can she section of her hair and do what we used to refer to as a "fringe wash" in school.

Those of us with full fringes back then, rather than washing our whole hair daily would just wash and dry the first inch or 2 from the hairline towards the crown, maybe a full hair wash every 2nd/3rd day. This works well over a sink too. Rest of hair tied away in a ponytail, dip the front section of hair in the water, shampoo, rinse, dry, off you go.

It's really the top 2/3rds that need washing I don't think that would work - she might as well wash it all but thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 00:13

@starfishmummy

It's easy enough to use a jug to wash hair. They can do it in the bath for ease and then finish by standing and rinsing their hair and body with fresh water - I'm old, it's what we everyone used to do before showers became popular. If the kids were bothered they'd do that
I will suggest this but probably better it's just her hair and she's dressed then exh can help her with it.

I'm hopeful the baby shampoo might help though will it get the grease out?

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 19/10/2021 00:17

I thought washing your hair every day stimulated the production of more grease, so is actually self defeating.

But I probably gleaned this nugget from a women's magazine back in the days of yore.

TaraR2020 · 19/10/2021 00:32

@MamsellMarie

You can wash hair over the sink and use a plastic jug or cup to pour water over to rinse (changing the water a couple of times) - though she would need a hand with that and might have to kneel on a chair.
This. Although tbh washing her hair in the bath will be absolutely fine on the occasions they're at their dads.
LittleMysSister · 19/10/2021 00:33

Have you tried switching to sulfate/silicone free hair products?

These will help improve the condition of their hair and also should lead to them having to wash it less as they don't strip the natural oils or coat the hair in silicone to male it feel soft.

I would definitely try this, getting so greasy it's visible and smells after 1 or 2 days seems excessive. There are a few options in Boots, or all hairdresssers will sell them x

TaraR2020 · 19/10/2021 00:33

Worst case scenario, they use those wash caps? You can buy them on amazon for people in hospital who can't get to a bathroom.

OzziePopPop · 19/10/2021 00:35

I am allergic to ‘something’ in many shampoos. I find parables/sulphate free the best. I use cocochoco clarifying (from Amazon) for my very greasy, very fine hair. No allergies and so no spots in my hair and no itching. Sulphate free is an easy option to find these days, I’d try it.

DD had to go on the pill for hormonal acne very young (12-13). It really helped. Just another idea. 🙂

OzziePopPop · 19/10/2021 00:36

Sorry, paraben free of course not parable!

Lorw · 19/10/2021 00:41

Head and shoulders is terrible for hair 🙁 you can get oil control shampoos which may be worth looking into?

NameChange74567 · 19/10/2021 00:42

Is DD's hair actually greasy though. I wash my hair frequently and it can look greasy, and it feels and looks wet no matter how long I dry it for. It's causes by a build up of shampoo, oil for washing too frequently. I changed to tresemme cleanse and replenish shampoo and it made a huge difference. It's strips away the build up ofwhat makes it look greasy. I don't need to wash my hair daily any more.

NotMyCat · 19/10/2021 00:43

My hair is dry hut I've heard the elvive clay shampoo is meant to be v v good for oily roots so might be worth a try
I empathise with the thick hair though, with crap water pressure I find a jug over the bath easier, well I use to use 2 jugs so one was filling as I was rinsing with the other!

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 00:44

@Lorw

Head and shoulders is terrible for hair 🙁 you can get oil control shampoos which may be worth looking into?
Honestly I'm all ears for alternatives - we started because dd1 got what looked like spots inside her hairline. As I said I quite like the clay shampoo but it doesn't help with dd1 skin though I don't think it makes it worse either
OP posts:
Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 00:46

@NameChange74567

Is DD's hair actually greasy though. I wash my hair frequently and it can look greasy, and it feels and looks wet no matter how long I dry it for. It's causes by a build up of shampoo, oil for washing too frequently. I changed to tresemme cleanse and replenish shampoo and it made a huge difference. It's strips away the build up ofwhat makes it look greasy. I don't need to wash my hair daily any more.
I think it's both. I recognise the build up issue though I think we have that as well
OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 19/10/2021 00:47

Isnt head and shoulders for dandruff/dry scalp? its formulared to add oil and moisture to hair. Not take it away.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 00:47

@NotMyCat

My hair is dry hut I've heard the elvive clay shampoo is meant to be v v good for oily roots so might be worth a try I empathise with the thick hair though, with crap water pressure I find a jug over the bath easier, well I use to use 2 jugs so one was filling as I was rinsing with the other!
We use it sometimes it's nice. It didnt give us an extra day before needing to wash though
OP posts:
StarryNightSparkles · 19/10/2021 00:51

Alberto Balsam is great for greasy hair. But the more you wash hair the more grease it produces. I would advise only washing hair twice a week, stick with it as it will take a few weeks to start working. Also a few times a year I don't wash my hair for a week to let it re balance itself.

Original poster
Burnerphone21 · 19/10/2021 00:54

@ImUninsultable

Isnt head and shoulders for dandruff/dry scalp? its formulared to add oil and moisture to hair. Not take it away.
It's got zinc and some other thing in it which specifically treats fungal acne
OP posts: