Help me address this with exh without starting ww3

[Burnerphone21]

Posting here because it falls across a few categories. Bear with me...

I went through a dreadful divorce many years ago but in recent years exh and I have become good friends. Definitely the last 2 years have been the best yet and obviously that's much better for the dds. Also he has genuinely pulled his weight much more than in the past and they notice that too.

Dds are 11 and 8. They both have greasy hair now but you won't ever see it in my care because I make them wash their hair enough. . I don't mean a tiny bit greasy I mean it's visible and it smells. Dd1 washes her hair daily and doesn't make a fuss. Her hair is visibly greasy after less than 24 hours. As in she washes evenings and it's greasy when she gets home from school the next day. Dd2 can go max 48 hours and does make a fuss about washing her hair but I won't tolerate it. Dd2 still needs help from an adult. Dd1 can wash her own hair really well now. I have a very ordinary electric shower. I own my house. This is relevant.

Dd1 is suffering with acne which is worse around her hairline on her forehead. We are using effeclar wash and cream and the daily hair washing with head and shoulders does seem to help. If she misses a day it will flare. If she doesnt dry her hair properly it will flare. I assume that's about bacteria build up but I digress.

When the kids go to exh this all goes to shit. Without droning for pages they are returned to me a lot with greasy hair and loads of spots. It makes me sad because dd1 is about to get self conscious, it's not fair. She doesn't complain when her skin is bad but she's much lighter in herself when it's clear. This time around it's taken about a fortnight for her skin to calm down after getting back from dads. This has been the worst incident yet.

I've had a few conversations with exh and he's not completely unaware. He lets the kids negotiate all sorts he admits. He is renting and the water pressure is awful so dd1 cannot shampoo her hair properly (any solutions to this???) to the point where the kids will request stopping off at my house, showering and then going to dads. Not every day though and this is a bit ludicrous.

I could not collect the kids from dads in the morning and go out for the day because I know they will be a state.

I met up with them after school recently and felt awful for dd1 who saw a few friends for the first time since covid with her hair stuck flat to her head looking awful. She had been at dads one night.

I've told him what to buy. I've told him the routine. I've explained everything over and over.

I could start reeling contact back but I doubt that's the best outcome and I need a break now and then.

They have come back in some ropey outfits a bit grubby for years but it was forgivable when they were little but it's not now.

I need him to do the tasks. I need him to understand but also any advice/wisdom about dd1 skin staying under control he can do also accepted!

@StarryNightSparkles

Alberto Balsam is great for greasy hair. But the more you wash hair the more grease it produces. I would advise only washing hair twice a week, stick with it as it will take a few weeks to start working. Also a few times a year I don't wash my hair for a week to let it re balance itself.

Yeh....no. We've tried that. Them and me.

Other things have zinc too though.
You're using a product designed to add oil to hair. Your main problem is too much oil in her hair.

Do you see the solution? Because I do.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Can you show your DD how to wash her hair in the sink with a jug? (like we did in the olden days 😉)

As a 70’s kid I remember this, we didn’t have a shower 🤔😁🤣

When DD1 decides she wants to shampoo her hair, she'll figure out a way. I suggest taking a plastic cup into the shower, letting it fill up, and then repeatedly pouring it over her head. Your ex lives there all the time, and I doubt he just never washes his hair. As you said, DD1 will soon be getting a lot more self-conscious about her appearance, and the problem will solve itself once that happens. Meanwhile, if she's not bothered by it, why are you?

As for DD2, is there an actual problem here? I mean, aside from you not liking the way it looks. No one besides you seems at all bothered by any of this.

I’ve got thick hair and I’ve just started using Faith in nature’s coconut shampoo soap bar. It is really easy to use as there is a small amount of soap on your hands that you can rub onto specific areas and it is much easier to rinse off. I’m impressed with the way my hair looks as well.

Jug over the bath or sink!

OP my sister is a hairdresser and they advice clients to use Head and Shoulders to fade the dye in their hair quicker as it's strips the hair so much. Defo worth trying another brand.

I either use Palmers shampoo or a brand called Noughty :)

I dont think you're being uptight about this, personal hygiene is very important and is closely tied to self-esteem and self compassion. It's important that DDs learn to manage and care for their bodies now while they're young and get into a good routine with it.

Can you ask the doctor for zineryt to address the acne. It's antibiotic and you dab it on the individual spot and to help it dry out and heal.
I would also buy different shampoo. I like Avalon organics tea tree scalp shampoo. I think you need to get something without silicones.
I also don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting your children to look greasy or dirty. I think you are just trying to head off problems before your teen gets self conscious.
La Roche Posay Toleraine cream cleanser is also nice for skin that has flare ups. It's very gentle and my DD had noticeable difference within a week or so.

I think your ex sounds neglectful. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your DC to go out looking clean and well cared for. Nothing wrong with the DC not having the embarrassment of looking a state either! I wouldn’t send them to their dad’s if he can’t care for them properly. It wasn’t ok for him to send them back grubby when they were little either. He’s clearly lazy and couldn’t care less about their well-being. In this day and age, there is very little reason for children to be left in the state he’s leaving them in.

As they head into teenagehood you need to chill out about this a bit.

If I was a teenager and my mum was controlling what day I washed my hair and with which product and that I should wear a headband at night I think I would resent it.

Be there for them with ideas and support but let them know they can come to you, don’t force it on them.

Lastly, how would you feel about your children extending your value judgements and how they are expressed onto their peers, because as a parent I would be really really unhappy.

Wtf??? Where have I said I encourage the kids to inspect their friends? The values I impress on MY children are that hygiene and presentation are important. Horrendous I know.

Meanwhile dd1 doesn't take issue with washing her hair daily it's that she can't wash it properly at dads and he isn't helping her.

@Foolsrule

I think your ex sounds neglectful. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your DC to go out looking clean and well cared for. Nothing wrong with the DC not having the embarrassment of looking a state either! I wouldn’t send them to their dad’s if he can’t care for them properly. It wasn’t ok for him to send them back grubby when they were little either. He’s clearly lazy and couldn’t care less about their well-being. In this day and age, there is very little reason for children to be left in the state he’s leaving them in.

I know. There has been much much more tension in the past about this.

But I don't want the kids going back to the acrimonious parents it's not fair. I know at this point that someone will jump on me and say I must be civil and it's down to me to get along with exh. But it was an awful divorce and I had womens aid support for years so I won't be apologising for being wary of winding him up.

Anothe vote for partial hair wash here, my aunt used to have very thick waist length hair and used to tie it in a low ponytail and just wash the top head part over the sink then untie it to allow to dry.
Do you blow dry the top/ scalp after it’s washed? That can make it look better and last longer, also a spritz of dry shampoo just before bed and brushed out in the morning works well.
Can she just rinse: wet it in the mornings at her dads then plait or tie it up? That would look ok.
Does she need a trim?
Ultimately greasy hair and spots are going to feature for the next few years so try not to make your daughter feel self conscious about it. Buy her products to help of course and encourage good hygiene, but less focus on what is a normal part of puberty and growing up might be more helpful.

The only shampoo that works well for my horrifically greasy hair is aussie mega shampoo

I would read up on overwashing etc for greasy hair. I'm surprised that kids need to wash their hair every day. It might be that you are overestimating it to produce more grease. Also with the acne, are they also moisturising? If you use products like foam cleanser to strip the oil out of the skin, your skin will work overtime to produce more. A mild cleansing milk and then a light moisturiser may be better (I used to use foam cleansers for years and realised they made everything worse).

My daughter started with this problem about 10/11, and she kept cutting her own fringe to hide the spots on her forehead, but having the greasy hair on her forehead made it worse!
What worked best was adding apple cider vinegar to her shampoo and no conditioner at all, but it was a little stinky when she was washing, it gave her an extra day without the really greasy look.
Then I found OGX apple cider vinegar shampoo in Boots, she uses this now, I usually buy it when it is on offer, but she can go 2 days or more before her hair starts looking like it needs a wash, it's nowhere near as greasy, she is 14 now and has a short cut, so she may have grown out of it a bit, but the shampoo works great for her.

Have you taken DD1 to the doctor regarding her acne. I had really bad ache for years as a teenager then I got some cream from the doctor, can't remember what it was called but it dried all my spots out and cleared my face within a couple of weeks then I had to use it once a day to keep them away.

And some kids just have really greasy hair at the beginning of puberty, I couldn't wrestle my daughter into the shower at the time, she certainly wasn't washing her hair every day, it was just the way her body worked.
My younger daughter does not have the grease problem, totally different hair, but her feet have started stinking like crazy, I had to fumigate the house 🤣

I agree that allowing the kids out looking dirty and greasy isn't acceptable- a girl at my school was picked on for this. I also agree that your children, particularly the 11yo, are old enough to take responsibility for themselves. It isn't easy to hair wash at dad's, but it isn't impossible either. He has running water.
Is her hair an easy to maintain style and is it an easy to manage length?
I would take her to see a proper dermatologist about products and also the doctor about the acne.

This stuff is good you don't need much and the hair looks clean not super super squeaky clean but not minging dirty either

Shampoo wise you ideally want something without silicone and parabens, the lush juniper shampoo bar was good when I had really greasy hair, it smells good too, I find shampoo bars dry out oily hair more so I could get 2-3 days out of it but I have psoriasis and it made that worse so I had to stop. I changed to the tresemé clarifying shampoo and I find it pretty good and wash every other day.
Make sure she’s not using anything more than a 50p size blob of shampoo and work into scalp instead of plopping the lengths on top of the head and scrunching it all together. Rinse for twice as long as they've scrubbed for, and use the smallest amount of conditioner on the very ends, I don’t put mine in a towel on top of my head either either to reduce to oil from the conditioner transferring and I don’t use softener on the small towels I do use for my hair. I also find a scalp brush helps to get rid of build-up too and my scalp feels fresh too.
They need to keep their brushes clean and free from grease too so I wash mine with every hair wash to get rid of oil build up.
Over the evening I back my fringe before bed to keep it off my face, and tie my hair into a low bun so it doesn’t touch my back in my sleep.
With the dairy I just swapped the milk to almond milk or the like, I found it showed a good improvement within a week or two but I didn’t swap cheese or yogurt as I find the alternatives are horrible so I just cut them down to once or twice a week. Upping my water intake had a big part to play too.
If you can over a weekend have a few days off from washing and stay in to let their hair have time to replace natural oils. After washing every day it can take an adjustment period to settle into a new routine and a ‘resetting’ period is always helpful, the hopefully you should see some improvement within a few weeks.