Help me address this with exh without starting ww3

[Burnerphone21]

Posting here because it falls across a few categories. Bear with me...

I went through a dreadful divorce many years ago but in recent years exh and I have become good friends. Definitely the last 2 years have been the best yet and obviously that's much better for the dds. Also he has genuinely pulled his weight much more than in the past and they notice that too.

Dds are 11 and 8. They both have greasy hair now but you won't ever see it in my care because I make them wash their hair enough. . I don't mean a tiny bit greasy I mean it's visible and it smells. Dd1 washes her hair daily and doesn't make a fuss. Her hair is visibly greasy after less than 24 hours. As in she washes evenings and it's greasy when she gets home from school the next day. Dd2 can go max 48 hours and does make a fuss about washing her hair but I won't tolerate it. Dd2 still needs help from an adult. Dd1 can wash her own hair really well now. I have a very ordinary electric shower. I own my house. This is relevant.

Dd1 is suffering with acne which is worse around her hairline on her forehead. We are using effeclar wash and cream and the daily hair washing with head and shoulders does seem to help. If she misses a day it will flare. If she doesnt dry her hair properly it will flare. I assume that's about bacteria build up but I digress.

When the kids go to exh this all goes to shit. Without droning for pages they are returned to me a lot with greasy hair and loads of spots. It makes me sad because dd1 is about to get self conscious, it's not fair. She doesn't complain when her skin is bad but she's much lighter in herself when it's clear. This time around it's taken about a fortnight for her skin to calm down after getting back from dads. This has been the worst incident yet.

I've had a few conversations with exh and he's not completely unaware. He lets the kids negotiate all sorts he admits. He is renting and the water pressure is awful so dd1 cannot shampoo her hair properly (any solutions to this???) to the point where the kids will request stopping off at my house, showering and then going to dads. Not every day though and this is a bit ludicrous.

I could not collect the kids from dads in the morning and go out for the day because I know they will be a state.

I met up with them after school recently and felt awful for dd1 who saw a few friends for the first time since covid with her hair stuck flat to her head looking awful. She had been at dads one night.

I've told him what to buy. I've told him the routine. I've explained everything over and over.

I could start reeling contact back but I doubt that's the best outcome and I need a break now and then.

They have come back in some ropey outfits a bit grubby for years but it was forgivable when they were little but it's not now.

I need him to do the tasks. I need him to understand but also any advice/wisdom about dd1 skin staying under control he can do also accepted!

So man spelling mistakes but you get the idea! Also it seems like a lot but I don’t even think about it anymore, it’s just about getting into a routine.
*and it was meant to say clip back my fringe

Many 🙄

I have really greasy hair and suffer with an itchy scalp also and the best shampoo I have found is the body shop ginger shampoo, you need to use the tiniest amount and it rinses out really quickly, I use so little I have got down to buying 2 bottles a year.

Have you tried any sort of face wipes to send with them to theirs dads

Doctors are much better about spots and Acne these days. See if you can get something better for her skin( Duac or similar), Teenagers don’t have to wander around with Acne.

I'd try and get a dermatologist appointment for DD1. Daily washing is fine but not with Head and Shoulders. Switch them to a very mild shampoo. But ultimately you can't control everything. If they and their dad don't wish to adhere to your routine then you can't insist.

I was the greasy haired teenager and frankly after trying every remedy in the book the only thing that stopped my acne and greasy hair was washing LESS frequently.

Day 1, the day of hair washing was always my hair down day. Day 2, was always a hair up day, sometimes with a light gel to hold flyaways down and change the texture of the hair. Something like braids or a bun with a headband and no parting.

Sometimes there was a day 3, if we weren't expecting to go any where but that was usually reserved for weekends.

All that face washing made my skin more sensitive and absence of acne was only a short term consequence. So, call me disgusting, but I stopped washing my face with soap. I just used a flannel and water unless there was visible dirt. I never scrubbed. I never used hot water. And my acne cleared up.

I applied the same to my back and even my bacne cleared up.

So I would be careful about pushing for this, because what your kids are going through is normal and I don't think any teacher would judge them or you. You seem to be conscious about something your children are less conscious of, and might only be conscious of it because of your vibe.

Also, when washing hair, shampoo the roots only. When conditioning, condition the tips only.

I would like to suggest that if she is washing her hair with her head tipped forwards (so over a sink or over a bath) rather than standing in a shower with her back to the water so her head is tipping backwards like it would do in a hair salon over their sinks, perhaps there is a residue of the shampoo that is remaining along her hairline that is causing these spots?

If she does wash her hair over the sink, suggest that she turns her head once to the left(so her left ear is on her left shoulder) to clean the shampoo off that section of hairline and repeat for the right. Also the hair you mention on the top of her head, if the water doesn't run clear, she hasn't washed out all of the shampoo which can leave a residue on the hair and make it look greasy.

Lastly, do you use shampoo for daily use?
Something like this might help:
www.boots.com/dove-daily-moisture-light-shampoo-400ml-10275654
www.boots.com/aussie-mega-shampoo-300ml-10025598

Every 3rd or 4th wash, introduce something like this:
www.boots.com/boots-expert-build-up-removal-shampoo-200ml-10247057

L'Oreal Elvive make a haircare range specifically for very oily hair. It really helps in stopping it looking greasy.

www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/elvive-extraordinary-clay-shampoo-400ml

www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/dove-advanced-hair-series-quench-conditioner-250ml

I think you need to stop head and shoulders - from my family's experience its great for short hair but a disaster for long hair. GP suggested nizoral - its for dandruff and has a fungal treatment in it and really helped acne.
I think you might be washing her hair too much and you are in a cycle of it being over stimulated so gets greasy so needs washing etc. If you think about it - if you wash your skin a lot it would get dry. You are washing her hair a lot - drying out her scalp and her scalp is producing oil to correct the dryness.

She's washing her hair way too much and it's going to make the problem worse, not better. I have hair that gets greasy very quickly and i wash it every 2-3 days and use dry shampoo in between.

@StarryNightSparkles

Alberto Balsam is great for greasy hair. But the more you wash hair the more grease it produces. I would advise only washing hair twice a week, stick with it as it will take a few weeks to start working. Also a few times a year I don't wash my hair for a week to let it re balance itself.

I don't find this true at all and was among the first generation to be told this and to try it. Not saying its not true for everybody but its certainly not universal.

I think you might be washing it too often? Sometimes the only way to sort that is to not wash it for whole week!

If her acne is that bad, please take her to the GP. You don't want it getting worse and scarring when she is older.

@stopringingme

I have really greasy hair and suffer with an itchy scalp also and the best shampoo I have found is the body shop ginger shampoo, you need to use the tiniest amount and it rinses out really quickly, I use so little I have got down to buying 2 bottles a year.

Have you tried any sort of face wipes to send with them to theirs dads

Thank you I expect dd1 would like that and exh shops at body shop

@Burnerphone21 is she blow drying it daily too? I had the exact same problem as your DD when at school and washed my hair daily from the age of about 10. Even once I grew out of the greasy stage I couldn’t stand going it without freshly washed hair and honestly, my hair has NOT thanked me for it 😓 I washed, dried and straightened daily for YEARS!

Can you try and find a way to push it to washing every 2nd day? Hair down freshly washed on day1 and up in a bun on day 2? Use powdered dry shampoo rather than spray? It becomes such a bad cycle as the more you wash it and strip the natural oils, the more oil the hair will produce 😓

I was also unable to use thick creamy shampoos without having a greasy residue left in my hair. H&S would have been my worst nightmare at that age. Bumble & Bumble ‘Sunday Shampoo’ was the only thing that allowed me to start washing every 2nd day. It’s pricey but could be worth a try? You might be able to get a miniature one to try it.

I sympathise with absolutely everything here OP! The exh, the greasy teenager, the battles with hygiene and standards at his house and mine - I could have written your OP!
Eventually we have settled on every other day showers, Batiste dry shampoo (it smells nice and they have coloured ones to suit hair shade) and simple face wash for her skin - she’s got naturally curly hair and she’s cut it shorter and shorter as she’s got older so it bounces around her face when it’s lighter and there’s less of it (and it’s clean!) Puberty made things worse of course, but is settling down a little now.
Having been through the greasy hair and acne stage myself, I can reiterate that less frequent hair washing is better, if she/you can stand it - as the more you strip the oil out, the more the scalp tries to replenish it. I still have to do mine every other day, and manage with dry shampoo and hair up on the alternate day!

All Loreal products trigger my acne and those blocked little forehead spots even now and I'm 35!

I now use either Herbal Essences daily detox clean or a Tresemme one which is similar, they have both got only water soluble ingredients so don't leave anything behind!

Also, have to dry properly with a big round brush or my hair looks greasy even when it isn't!

@QforCucumber

All Loreal products trigger my acne and those blocked little forehead spots even now and I'm 35!

I now use either Herbal Essences daily detox clean or a Tresemme one which is similar, they have both got only water soluble ingredients so don't leave anything behind!

Also, have to dry properly with a big round brush or my hair looks greasy even when it isn't!

That's really interesting about L'Oréal I will bear that in mind.

I blow dry dd1 hair for her especially the scalp that's the priority. I know non greasy hair people don't understand you can't air dry greasy hair.

Exh has been told he needs to do this but will slack off on weekends and 'let it dry naturally' which drives me nuts. Dd1 hair doesn't dry naturally, then looks greasy and her acne flairs so lose lose all round.

Head and shoulders is awful for hair. The first thing i would do is stop using it, i think this may go a long way to solving the hair and skin problems

Completely off topic, but you sound like a really, lovely and caring mum. your girls are very lucky to have you

I’m really shocked that an 8 and 11 year old are getting such bad greasy hair.
I would actually see a gp to see if you can be referred to someone as I really don’t think it’s normal for such young ages. They could have a hormone imbalance or something.

The more I wash my hair the greasier it gets (the greasier my hair is the more spots I get too) so I would definitely try going a few days without washing it during the holiday and then washing it every other/every 3 days.

As a last resort have you tried braiding their hair so it doesn’t look greasy and it will be away from her forehead. It may be worth a try if they struggle to keep up with washing it.

Haven’t RTFT but wanted to recommend two things:
Nizoral shampoo
Cerave cleanser & moisturiser
Both are recommended by skincare guru Caroline Hirons - check out her spot oh This Morning for teenage skin. She rocks.

Should’ve said that Nizoral sorts out the forehead spots but you don’t use it daily. I totally get the daily greasy hair - the only plus to getting older is my hair is less greasy, ‘‘twas a nightmare as a teen!

I knew if I read this the usual culprits - you’re washing it too often/crap diet would come along. This is absolute bullshit and it makes me so angry.

I’m in my thirties and have got the world’s oiliest skin and hair. Luckily I don’t have acne but have spotty skin. There is nothing I haven’t tried and not washing is the worst thing you can do. I don’t know why this stupid myth prevails it was the most miserable time when I tried it out and I tried a few times over the years. It made me feel disgusting and it looked awful.

On a practical note do not use baby shampoo. Wtf. Someone suggested this to me too years ago and it was like washing it in olive oil. There’s nothing I’ve ever bought that has made a massive difference but obviously I choose for oily hair, nothing for shine/moisture/curls.

I’d suggest buying a jug for her dad’s house so she can fill it up when sitting in the bath. We didn’t have a shower growing up and it works ok. I’d also not give her conditioner to use there on the ends as it’s much harder to rinse everything out properly when using the jug method.

She’s lucky to have such a caring mum. Can’t believe some posters are trying to make you feel bad about ensuring your children are clean.

You say you use head and shoulders? I thought this was for dandruff (correct me if I’m wrong) but the point of this is to make your hair greasy to prevent dry scalp. Have you tried a shampoo for greasy hair and I’m with pp who said it may be down to the food she’s eating.