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Original poster

Anyone else struggle in groups of people?

63 replies

black2black · 15/10/2021 15:35

Went out with friends I don’t know very well yesterday. I started off ok talking when I was asked something but trying to continue the thing I was saying was really difficult as everyone kept talking over me. It felt a little like a tennis match, words going back and forward. When I spoke people tended to not hear me I think and would hear someone else who’s started talking instead. I wonder if when I’m anxious, my voice is at a different pitch and people don’t hear me the same as someone else with lots of energy in their voice.

Once a few of them had gone and it was just me and 2 friends I was ok. I think groups just make me anxious and I struggle to make myself heard.

OP posts:

Hoorayhenryyah · 15/10/2021 15:49

Yes exactly the same. When I am with a couple of people it is fine but in a big group I struggle and usually fade to the background. I’m a naturally quieter person and also quite softly spoken so in a big group my voice gets lost!

Joystir59 · 15/10/2021 15:52

I always end up not talking to anyone whole around me everyone's in twos or more chattering away. I think it's because I generally get bored quite quickly in having to almost shout to get my point across and just find "conversation" tedious after a while.

Joystir59 · 15/10/2021 15:53

While

Joystir59 · 15/10/2021 15:53

I like one on one chats with friends. Otherwise I can't be bothered.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 15/10/2021 15:55

Yes I feel like this too, I increasingly avoid groups and tend to see friends one on one, I prefer it that way.

Original poster

black2black · 15/10/2021 15:59

Do you think this makes us introverts?

OP posts:

DaisyNGO · 15/10/2021 16:06

I get sensory overload in a group

It ends up being that I need to break off and speak with one at a time anyway.

For groups, I last attended a birthday do with about 14 of us. One lady I didn't know, spent the whole time trying to clear away glasses etc. I offered to help in the kitchen and she said "no thanks, it's basically my way of hiding away".

We probably only all in the same room for 20 mins for a piece of cake and glass of fizz. I think I had separate chats with 6 people and missed the other half entirely!

My perception of the 10 or so who were together was a lot of shouting. I just can't process it.

DaisyNGO · 15/10/2021 16:06

X post
I think i'm introverted but the crossover with sensory overload makes it confusing.

whatswithtodaytoday · 15/10/2021 16:07

Yes, I like chatting with one or two people but can't be bothered with big groups. I have a quiet voice and dislike shouting. I am an introvert though, very much so.

idontlikealdi · 15/10/2021 16:08

@black2black

Do you think this makes us introverts?

Yes! It's the definition of an introvert or at least is to me anyway. I can't be doing with it.

GingerBeverage · 15/10/2021 16:09

Yes

Original poster

black2black · 15/10/2021 16:15

@whatswithtodaytoday

Yes, I like chatting with one or two people but can't be bothered with big groups. I have a quiet voice and dislike shouting. I am an introvert though, very much so.

Yes I have a quiet voice too and if I shout it sort of breaks and I have to clear my throat. I hadn’t thought about it but I actually hate having to participate in groups like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

black2black · 15/10/2021 16:16

@DaisyNGO

X post I think i'm introverted but the crossover with sensory overload makes it confusing.

I think I get sensory overload too. Everything seems to move so fast and I can’t keep up

OP posts:

knackeredcat · 15/10/2021 16:33

Sensory overload a-go-go in groups. Exhaustion from figuring out when to speak, what to say, looking for social cues, etc. Frustration at the conversation having moved on when I've sweated over a socially acceptable answer that I couldn't use. ADHD in my case.

Annoyance at loud people holding court and even rudeness at "oh, not speaking, are we?". Group things - a no from me.

DroopyClematis · 15/10/2021 16:44

I find larger groups intimidating but also small groups if I don't know them well enough.

I end up listening to the conversation then when I think of what to contribute, I try to word it in my head then by the time I've worded it correctly, the conversation has moved on.
I don't like butting in and find myself cringing if anyone starts to say something but gets talked over by someone else . ( Usually happens to me .)

DaisyNGO · 15/10/2021 19:57

"Everything seems to move so fast and I can’t keep up"

I find if I know them really well, if I'm feeling like I can cope with high sensory load, if I've slept well, if the journey there was okay, etc then I can keep up. But only on a really good day.

I am in the middle of watching a Youtube video where I am finding the guy talks too fast. I used to think my brain was failing but actually all areas of life are speeded up. Even things like responding to a work message, or crossing the road while looking for errant scooters or cyclists.

I think my introversion has deepened because there's so much more sensory overload, if that makes sense.

A noisy bar or restaurant is just a complete no no for me. In my furst year at uni, I went to a few pubs where I just thought "what's the point?" Dancing in clubs was fine because the dancing was the point, but trying to chat in a noisy place, ugh.

Hedgesfullofbirds · 15/10/2021 20:24

Yup, I identify with much of this, but console myself with the fact that empty vessels make the most noise and there is no virtue in feeding the air with empty words!

immersivereader · 15/10/2021 20:28

Same here. I'm fine with a group of two people, not more. Any more than that and I can not 'hold court' and have everyone listen to me, staring. I freeze.

I prefer 1 on 1.

user1471543683 · 15/10/2021 20:41

I much prefer say lunch/dinner out etc with one friend. I feel there is a nice balance to the conversation - I tell a story, she tells a story, I speak again, she speaks again and so on. When it's a group there are always the ones who take over the conversation leaving the quiet ones no chance to get a word in. When this happens I tend to tune out and listen to background music instead. I am getting more confident in groups but much prefer 1:1.

Badbadbunny · 15/10/2021 20:48

Yep, same here, whether social or business. I'm best in a 1 to 1, but can just about manage in a group of 3 people (myself and 2 others). Any more, and I may as well not be there as I simply can't cope and just shut down.

Vindo · 15/10/2021 20:48

Yes, I much prefer 1:1. I struggle to keep track of different conversations in a big group and generally end up just focusing on one person and chatting to them.

I have been told that I come across as being a bit closed off and unfriendly when I meet new people in a group setting due to this.

It bothered me when I was young and out socialising a lot, but now I'm a 30something with kids I don't really care!

Original poster

black2black · 15/10/2021 21:01

@immersivereader

Same here. I'm fine with a group of two people, not more. Any more than that and I can not 'hold court' and have everyone listen to me, staring. I freeze.

I prefer 1 on 1.

Yes I feel this like everyone is staring at me. I’m a rabbit in the headlights and when I do talk someone will interject with something and everyone will listen to them and I’ve not finished what I was saying so then I just stop speaking and feel humiliated.

OP posts:

Original poster

black2black · 15/10/2021 21:04

@DroopyClematis

I find larger groups intimidating but also small groups if I don't know them well enough.

Yes I end up being talked over if I try and butt in. I don’t think I must either talk as loud as the others or with the same pitch as them. It is quite humiliating. I’m the same that the conversation moves so fast that I’ve lost my chance to say the thing I was going to say anyway. Being aware of all this just adds to the anxiety and makes it worse

OP posts:

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 21:11

I prefer one on one also as get anxiety if a lot of people and feel out of sorts. Am more relaxed that way but if a few people I feel self conscious and usually say something stupid. Think have sensory thing also as too much noise, etc chatting, coffee cups, music all gets too much. Had nice time today my son & I met up with a pal. Then got a coffee but went to quiet beach sat looking at the waves chatting. Is easier now am older and just don't care as much what other's think. Don't be so hard on yourself you sound lovely as you are. I can't handle if anywhere with bright lights as makes me so uncomfortable and hurts my eyes. Anyone else get that.. dimmed lightning I am relaxed.

DaisyNGO · 15/10/2021 21:25

IrishMel I am okay with bright light

Coffee on a beach sounds amazing. I struggle with the noise of coffee machines...it sounds silly but if I try to choose a place that should be quieter, it's often the case the noise of the machine will drive me nuts.

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