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Original poster

Anyone else struggle in groups of people?

63 replies

black2black · 15/10/2021 15:35

Went out with friends I don’t know very well yesterday. I started off ok talking when I was asked something but trying to continue the thing I was saying was really difficult as everyone kept talking over me. It felt a little like a tennis match, words going back and forward. When I spoke people tended to not hear me I think and would hear someone else who’s started talking instead. I wonder if when I’m anxious, my voice is at a different pitch and people don’t hear me the same as someone else with lots of energy in their voice.

Once a few of them had gone and it was just me and 2 friends I was ok. I think groups just make me anxious and I struggle to make myself heard.

OP posts:
Original poster
black2black · 15/10/2021 21:48

@DaisyNGO

IrishMel I am okay with bright light

Coffee on a beach sounds amazing. I struggle with the noise of coffee machines...it sounds silly but if I try to choose a place that should be quieter, it's often the case the noise of the machine will drive me nuts.

oh I know and when they start banging the metal thing Angry
OP posts:
IrishMel · 15/10/2021 21:58

Thanks for replies, and if the ceiling is low and everyone's voice are echoing ha!!!!! there's me sat like a loonie with my sunglasses on inside as my eyes are killing me....have to laugh at these things as so many feel the same and it is all about accepting ourselves as we are. There were loads in swimming, be freezing, could hear them squealing with the cold but meant to be good for circulation. The noise of the waves lapping in was lovely, I don't drive so lovely to have a spin today.

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 22:01

Sensitive eyes also a sensory thing.

lljkk · 15/10/2021 22:06

mmm... I'm gonna say the obvious, controversial.

OP wants to be heard, wants attention, wants to hold the room. That's not introversion. Maybe OP lacks huge charisma, although charisma or loud voice can be cultivated. I am going to posit that those of you who "shut down" aren't introverts -- you're frustrated extroverts. You're frustrated you're not being heard or sensory overload is undermining your social skills. But you're not introverts.

For me being an introvert in a group means I enjoy the people watching, the humour, seeing people I like being happy. I don't need to be heard. I chuck in the odd comment hope is funny or clever, but the less I talk about myself, the less attention I get, the better.

80sMum · 15/10/2021 22:07

I empathise with the OP. I'm not comfortable in a group of more than about 5 or 6 people. Usually I just sit and listen to others' conversations rather than take part. People talk all around me but I'm not part of it.

amusedbush · 15/10/2021 22:09

Yes but I have ADHD and autism so talking in a group is a nightmare for me. ADHD makes me interrupt people because I’m impulsive and don’t want to forget what I’m going to say, and autism makes me interrupt people because I have no sense of when it’s my turn. Either that or by the time I find a gap in the conversation, the subject has changed and what I was going to say is no longer relevant.

When I’m in a group, I usually end up on the periphery of two different conversation but not quite involved in either.

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 22:10

To lljkk I do not think you sound controversial at all. I think you are trying to tell us how we should feel or want to feel but that is not how it is for me. Am quite charming to be honest but feel more comfortable in smaller groups. But we are all entitled to our opinions on here which is a good thing.

SophieKat1982 · 15/10/2021 22:19

I’m definitely more serf bee than Queen Bee so I also dislike socialising in groups. I tend to end up talking to one person if I’m ever out in a group (which isn’t often nowadays cos I’m normally in bed by 9pm!).

Beachbabe1 · 15/10/2021 22:29

I'm the same. Everyone eating together in the staff room at lunch time at work gives me major anxiety! I hate being asked a question in a big group, everyone looking at you for your answer! My mind goes blank and I dont know what to say! Also hate eating in front of lots of people! Much prefer one to one or 2 or 3 people.

Original poster
black2black · 15/10/2021 22:46

Here is a link to a test to determine if you’re introvert or extrovert I’m 80% introvert acorrdijf to this: ideas.ted.com/quiz-are-you-an-extrovert-introvert-or-ambivert/

OP posts:
SisterMichael · 15/10/2021 22:46

You are my people! Agree with so much of this. I sometimes get FOMO when friends have dinners and hen parties of 20-30 people then I remember I wouldn’t actually like to attend one! I’m much better in smaller groups or 1:1 / 1:2.

Original poster
black2black · 15/10/2021 22:47

@Beachbabe1

I'm the same. Everyone eating together in the staff room at lunch time at work gives me major anxiety! I hate being asked a question in a big group, everyone looking at you for your answer! My mind goes blank and I dont know what to say! Also hate eating in front of lots of people! Much prefer one to one or 2 or 3 people.
Oh I used to watch the TV show teachers and vow never to be one just so I didn’t have to sit in a room full of people at lunchtime and socialise. My worst nightmare. I like to be able to get away and recharge.
OP posts:
DaisyNGO · 15/10/2021 22:50

@lljkk

mmm... I'm gonna say the obvious, controversial.

OP wants to be heard, wants attention, wants to hold the room. That's not introversion. Maybe OP lacks huge charisma, although charisma or loud voice can be cultivated. I am going to posit that those of you who "shut down" aren't introverts -- you're frustrated extroverts. You're frustrated you're not being heard or sensory overload is undermining your social skills. But you're not introverts.

For me being an introvert in a group means I enjoy the people watching, the humour, seeing people I like being happy. I don't need to be heard. I chuck in the odd comment hope is funny or clever, but the less I talk about myself, the less attention I get, the better.

I know how to dominate a group

I wouldn't have survived my career if I didn't (and I only managed that with medication).

But in personal life, I don't want to be in the group because it overwhelms me. I don't want to be heard. So as I got older, I accepted fewer invites. I don't have FOMO. I have FOBI!

I prefer one to one socialising. I also find in groups people try to be heard so they get louder and that bugs me.

squishee · 15/10/2021 22:58

My people!

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 23:02

Just did the test am an Ambivert.

immersivereader · 16/10/2021 01:26

I always remember being at a dinner party (12 people there or something) with my ex and he stood up as he was telling some story or other ShockConfused At that point I realised we were never gonna work out. Who does that?!?

(there was other stuff took but that's another thread)

immersivereader · 16/10/2021 01:27

I. E. Stood up so everyone's attention was completely on him. It was like he was on stage!

ThatsWhatI · 16/10/2021 02:43

I'm a listener so it doesn't bother me as I'm happy to just lean back and hear what's being said.

I'm equally happy to be chatty though and I like getting involved but don't always feel the need to.

I do get annoyed when people interrupt me who are the ones who dominate the conversation the most.

CardiganAddict · 16/10/2021 06:25

Different groups will have different cadence and styles of conversation, perhaps you need to find a group that matches yours? There's also times and places where it varies. A night out at the pub will be more for the interaction / enjoyment than proper conversation as opposed to a countryside walk for example.
I actually prefer the back and forth high energy interrupting conversation. I feel like there's less pressure to be interesting 😂 I joined a group of posh colleagues once who seemed to just keep stopping and taking it in turns to tell their anecdotes. As soon as I said anything everyone stopped and all eyes were on me. I had nothing to say really 😂 and made a joke about following after the last great (and probably practiced) story!
Interesting topic OP, I love these jobs of observations and seeing how others think.

lljkk · 16/10/2021 08:45

To lljkk I do not think you sound controversial at all. I think you are trying to tell us how we should feel or want to feel

I am definitely Not saying how people "should feel"
I am saying that calling yourself an introvert because you can't get heard in a group -- doesn't make sense.

Most people just want to talk about themselves, tbf, introvert or not. I humbly submit that people who get actively frustrated they aren't been heard in a casual group social occasion -- they have a need to get group attention. That need isn't an introverted way of relating to the group.

Original poster
black2black · 16/10/2021 09:22

@lljkk

To lljkk I do not think you sound controversial at all. I think you are trying to tell us how we should feel or want to feel

I am definitely Not saying how people "should feel"
I am saying that calling yourself an introvert because you can't get heard in a group -- doesn't make sense.

Most people just want to talk about themselves, tbf, introvert or not. I humbly submit that people who get actively frustrated they aren't been heard in a casual group social occasion -- they have a need to get group attention. That need isn't an introverted way of relating to the group.

I guess it depends on what you class an introvert as. I like to make a connection with people by talking to them, not necessarily talking about myself (I find that quite boring unless it’s a personal matter I need help with) but by asking them about themselves or indeed answering them if they ask me something.

All this I find hard to do in a group as it seems like everyone is jostling for attention. I do not like the limelight and hate everyone staring at me as I speak. The only time I was more comfortable was when I was talking to one person and the rest were speaking - that was difficult though as I had to shout to be heard as she wasn’t sitting beside me. Plus at one point they stopped talking and starting listening to my conversation which immediately made me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 16/10/2021 09:28

Yes! I used to think I was weird. In social situations with people who were friends of friends I'd constantly stress about if I had enough interesting things to say, how I was coming across etc etc.

I still feel that whenever I speak in groups of people no one is listening to me but I've decided to embrace my introvert self. I've scaled down my friendship group and only mix with people in smaller groups and with those who make me feel good about myself. Social life is quieter as a result and took a bit of adjusting but I feel calmer all round.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 16/10/2021 09:32

Yes. I tend to find group conversations move quickly to subjects on which I have nothing to say - TV series I haven't seen (don't watch much TV) - people's children (don't have children) - foreign holidays (haven't been on one for decades).

BlueCowWonders · 16/10/2021 10:03

But OP you've twice said you felt humiliated about being spoken over when in a group
Quite a strong reaction - maybe lljkk has a point?

Original poster
black2black · 16/10/2021 10:08

@BlueCowWonders

But OP you've twice said you felt humiliated about being spoken over when in a group Quite a strong reaction - maybe lljkk has a point?
I don’t understand. Would everyone not feel humiliated being spoken over?
OP posts:
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