Anyone else struggle in groups of people?

[black2black]

Went out with friends I don’t know very well yesterday. I started off ok talking when I was asked something but trying to continue the thing I was saying was really difficult as everyone kept talking over me. It felt a little like a tennis match, words going back and forward. When I spoke people tended to not hear me I think and would hear someone else who’s started talking instead. I wonder if when I’m anxious, my voice is at a different pitch and people don’t hear me the same as someone else with lots of energy in their voice.

Once a few of them had gone and it was just me and 2 friends I was ok. I think groups just make me anxious and I struggle to make myself heard.

Yes I do. I'm so glad I'm in my forties now and not obliged to be in groups of people!! I spent my childhood and early adult years feeling really bloody awkward wondering what was wrong with me... You're clearly just a total weirdo freak unless you're the life and soul of the party and want a gazillion friends and constantly be in groups of people.

I'm so much happier since I reached the age of not worrying about that anymore and (code for not giving a shit about what normal is supposed to look like). It's liberating.

I do have a hobby that takes me out of my comfort zone. A hobby I've done since I was a child, it's competitive and I've been very successful. It seems that with success comes an expectation you should be all über confident and way-hey here I am everybody. Nah. Not me and I do struggle with that and also people thinking I can do the whole stand up and take over a conversation with a group simply because of my knowledge and experience. Even if I'm the most knowledgeable there. I just can't do it. I've been asked to take seminars etc. No chance. I'd freak!!! When I'm not competing I'm at home, (work from home, alone too), my home in the woods with my little family seeing as few people as possible 😅

'Humiliated' ???
No, it's how social conversations work. You're not giving a lecture

@BlueCowWonders

'Humiliated' ??? No, it's how social conversations work. You're not giving a lecture

It is a strong reaction but I don’t see how this relates to whether I’m an introvert or not? I’d be interested to hear how others feel when they’re being spoken over, I don’t think it is how social conversations work, I wouldn’t knowingly talk over someone.

"I always remember being at a dinner party (12 people there or something) with my ex and he stood up as he was telling some story or other  At that point I realised we were never gonna work out. Who does that?!?
*
(there was other stuff took but that's another thread)*"

Haha yes I'd run a mile from that too!! My DH hates attention seeker types too so we suit each other!

My social skills aren't great so I was slow to pick up on this... in a big group, most people barely say anything. There can be a lot of noise but most say very little most of the time. My problem is I thought I was supposed to keep say amusing things to earn the right to be there, which is why silence makes me anxious. Silence when there's just a few people can be unbearable.

Nowadays, I'd say I find it easier to relax in the big noisy group. Definitely won't get too much attention there.

@BlueCowWonders

'Humiliated' ??? No, it's how social conversations work. You're not giving a lecture

I would feel humiliated. It takes a lot for me to speak up in a group and if someone cut me off and everyone started listening to them instead, I would feel humiliated and I wouldn't speak again for the rest of the time I was with them.

That might be a rejection sensitive dysphoria thing (linked to ADHD) but I don't take embarrassment well.

@amusedbush yes that’s how I feel. Once bitten twice shy, won’t try and speak again. It is embarrassing.

@black2black
Oh I used to watch the TV show teachers and vow never to be one just so I didn’t have to sit in a room full of people at lunchtime and socialise. My worst nightmare. I like to be able to get away and recharge.

I am a teacher, with ADHD and do everything I can to avoid the above!
Especially hard as meds wear off round about lunchtime!

@parrotonmyshoulder oh no sounds like a nightmare! How do you cope with speaking in front of all those kids as well? I’m in awe of people that can do that

I’m basically acting all day! Actually not class teaching any more, so don’t need to do that so much. I can manage with children though as it’s sort of structured - you take turns in conversation/ ask and answer questions. And only one person talks at a time. Adults are much harder! I can do meetings, but not social conversations. Unless one friend at a time.

Home is harder as one DC is very hyperactive ADHD!

@parrotonmyshoulder

I’m basically acting all day! Actually not class teaching any more, so don’t need to do that so much. I can manage with children though as it’s sort of structured - you take turns in conversation/ ask and answer questions. And only one person talks at a time. Adults are much harder! I can do meetings, but not social conversations. Unless one friend at a time.

I'm a PhD student but I teach undergrad and Masters classes via zoom, and I totally get the "acting" thing. Weirdly, I enjoy teaching and I presented some of my research at an academic conference earlier this year and - the truly baffling bit - I wasn't nervous at all. Teaching has soothed my public speaking nerves when I'm the "authority" in the room and I'm comfortable with the topic.

Putting my hand up and giving an idea in a meeting, however, no. Just no. Same with chiming in with a story in a social group.

So interesting to read all the different stories and situations and iijkk also yours, nice to see everyone's views on things