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Original poster

School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

416 replies

Monkeybumbum7 · 15/10/2021 15:17

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 15/10/2021 19:20

SE13 - great post.
I really hope that post reassures people about the care and effort staff take on these kind of trips and how they really know and understand the anxieties 10/11 year olds and their parents can feel.

Perhaps as Op said, the Head is rather cold, and perhaps the office assistant she spoke to didn't get the tone right and provide reassurance. That's a real shame. Perhaps speak to the class teacher that will be going about it all and about your concerns about DS and how they might manage them with you and help make it workable. That idea of working together on this, could give you so much confidence in paying the deposit and going ahead with the idea of trying it.

Sometimes all you can do is to commit to trying and make it possible if the time is right when the event happens. I'm sure the school would want to help you do that and if it's possible for him to go. But I really believe too that if in the end he doesn't go, that will be fine and respected too. Don't worry about what they or others think.

Bovrilly · 15/10/2021 19:22

Just don't send him. He might not learn that he can cope without you (plenty of time for that) but he will learn that you have got his best interests at heart, even when under pressure from school.

A friend's DD was encouraged to go on the class residential in Y5 because it would be good for her (mild) anxiety and build her confidence. It didn't, she ended up with a PTSD diagnosis and refused school for several months before moving elsewhere for what was left of Y6.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 15/10/2021 19:22

Have had 😀

Fuck me my grammer!

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Biscuitandacuppa · 15/10/2021 19:23

For those posters who question why a 10/11 year old would be aware of costs the answer is simply that I am a single parent and my funds are not limitless.

My dd is aware that she cannot have everything she wants immediately. But we save, and she uses her pocket money wisely. By doing that we bought a Switch over lockdown and she saved enough up to make a contribution to her new laptop.

She has learnt about value and the importance of spending money wisely because that is an important life lesson. We live in a low income are and she is aware that she has far more than some of her friends.

MakingM2 · 15/10/2021 19:24

Listen to your gut instinct on this unless you want to be the mother who has to drive to Wales (or wherever yours will be) at 1am because the responsible adults have finally realised that you might have been telling the truth and your DC will not sleep, you cannot calm them over the phone and they’re freaking out so no-one else can sleep either.

I still remember that drive, it was dangerous as hell, and it was about 15 years ago now.

whynotwhatknot · 15/10/2021 19:28

i wouldnt let him go the abseiling for starters and all the other things like climbing if he wont do that he'll get himself into a state and that will be just as bad as taking a teddy for the bullying

i went on a guides trip hated it they said i was a naughty little girl for not joining in left as soon as i got back

ArianaDumbledore · 15/10/2021 19:31

There are plenty of posts blaming parents for causing anxious children on this thread, some are gloriously patronising others are just blunt insults.

I'm not sure why a school should be viewed above criticism, particularly one that has told the OP to just tell her son he's going.

I say this from the experience of sending my child, it wasn't great and he didn't transform into a beautiful butterfly, but nor did it cause more long term problems.

nomoneytreehere · 15/10/2021 19:33

My children's school always has a handful of parent helpers. Could you suggest this and go?

godmum56 · 15/10/2021 19:36

@ChandosBucks

I have to say, it's fairly nonsensical to say 'no one ever misses these trips'. I'm a teacher (not KS2, KS1) and we've often had children not go on school trips. The most common reason is because they're JW and their parents won't sign the forms to agree to medical help while we're abroad (think of that what you will). But we've also had anxious children (my own included) who really didn't want to go and wasn't made to go (my DC is now an adult and functions perfectly well with a degree and a professional job!).

OP, you do what you think best right now. It won't affect your DC's future prospects if they don't go. Flowers

when i was at school these trips didn't exist. There were various things that were offered at age16/17 but nothing was expected and some of the more specialist things didn't even have enough places for the whole year. Yes I know schools have changed/improved but my point is that all of us grew up, went off to college or uni, lived in digs, got jobs and so on and lived normal (more or less) lives without going on residentials, team building activities and so on. If kids want to go and parents agree then fine but its honestly not huge life wrecking stuff. Personally if I got that response from the school I would tell them to do one!
Hope478 · 15/10/2021 19:36

I have no idea what you wanted the school to say. He either goes or he doesn't, that is up to you as a parent, with his input.
If he doesn't want to go, don't send him. Don't expect the school to fuss around over him.

Hillary17 · 15/10/2021 19:41

Seems like I’m in the minority here but I’d send him and give him the chance to overcome some of his fears. We have to do uncomfortable things sometimes but it’s a great opportunity to make new friends and grow in confidence.

VerbenaGirl · 15/10/2021 19:43

My DD1 didn’t go on her Y6 residential for very similar reasons. School were a bit Hmm but it was the right decision for her. She went in with Y5 for the week and the teacher ended up giving her some quite nice things to do. She’s 17 now and while she took a bit longer getting there than her peers, she’s now a lot more confident and starting to spread her wings. Plus she’s pretty good at making the call when things aren’t right for her and doesn’t feel the need to do things just because others are.

godmum56 · 15/10/2021 19:48

@Hillary17

Seems like I’m in the minority here but I’d send him and give him the chance to overcome some of his fears. We have to do uncomfortable things sometimes but it’s a great opportunity to make new friends and grow in confidence.
you'd actually FORCE a child to go?
TravelLost · 15/10/2021 19:50

Yay but @Hillary17 there is uncomfortable and uncomfortable.
There is uncomfortable that you can get over and actually have a nice time.
There is uncomfortable that you can sort of handle but still have a crap time because 1- you don’t like lest say the activities and 2- you are too busy trying to control said anxiety etc… to enjoy anything anyway.
And there is uncomfortable so uncomfortable that you end up loosing it, making the situation hell for yourself and the others (and mum has to come and pick you up).

There was a child in one of my dcs class who was pushed to go to said Y6 residential. They had to call the parents by the end of the first day. The child didn’t end have one night there. How was that teaching anything apart from the fact that adults, Incl his parents, are not listening to him??

Hercisback · 15/10/2021 19:51

My mum would have said there's no chance I'd have abseiled or zip wired on the y6 residential. She said to me beforehand that I didn't have to do the activities if I didn't want to. Guess what, I did every single one and loved it. Give your child the chance, they might flourish.

NotAQueef · 15/10/2021 20:01

keep him off. nearly half our y6s came back with covid last week!

SoupDragon · 15/10/2021 20:06

How was that teaching anything apart from the fact that adults, Incl his parents, are not listening to him??

Well, it taught him that if he tries and still doesn't like it, his parents will come and get him.

the80sweregreat · 15/10/2021 20:06

My son didn't want to go on the trip away , so he just didn't go.
He is 24 now and left home ; he never regretted not going to this or his school prom.
Too much is made of all these trips in my opinion plus it's expensive.

Herja · 15/10/2021 20:09

I still vividly remember my age 11 residential. I did not want go at all, but was firmly encouraged.

It was horrible on many occasions, occasionally ok, but nothing at any point was fun. I coped; I had coped with a hell of a lot by age, so I was bloody good at coping. I wish greatly that I had never been made to go.

It also made me lose trust in the staff who had promised it would be fun. It wasn't fun. It was bloody awful.

MrsMariaReynolds · 15/10/2021 20:14

Don't stress. And definitely don't feel pressured to send your child if you really feel it will be of no benefit to them. They won't be the only one not going on the trip.
That being said, my own DS was sent home (due to homesickness) from his Y5 spring residential. We were very concerned when plans were being made for his Y6 residential the following autumn and thought "No way will he survive!" 4 nights away, hundreds of miles away (5.5 hour drive from home), doing all sorts of sporty things that will take him out of his comfort zone. Sure enough he had a blast and came back tired but content. I put his success down to his brilliant teachers that year, and the staff at the venue (an Outward Bound centre)

HTruffle · 15/10/2021 20:16

Aw I think he sounds like a lovely boy who knows himself well. I agree with some posters above that say these sorts of trips develop confidence but not everyone develops confidence from the same things. He may feel more confident by not going and potentially going through a difficult experience. I wouldn’t send one of mine in that position.

Summerfun54321 · 15/10/2021 20:29

This is a great opportunity for you to teach him about risk and reward. The risk is he feels homesick but the reward is he makes some lifetime memories with his friends. If he’s on the fence about it and the only thing holding him back is being homesick (rather than any additional needs), he really should go.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/10/2021 20:35

@MrsFin

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

As a veteran of many, many Brownie residentials, I'm pretty sure he'll be fine.

At every event there are one or two parents worried about how their child will cope without their kids goodnight, their favourite teddy, whatever, but their kids are absolutely fine. In the heat of the moment, with all his peers around him, he'll forget all about his usual routines. Plus he'll be absolutely knackered - the event leaders will make sure of that!

You may THINK the kids were fine, but some of them probably weren't, you know. My daughter was similar to your son OP. She was torn between going on the residential, knowing she would be very anxious and homesick, and just staying home, and decided to go in the end. I did explain to her teacher that she suffered from anxiety, hoping they would look out for her, but when they came home, all the feedback I received was 'she was fine'. Well, she wasn't fine at all. She was horribly depressed all the time she was there, hardly ate, barely slept and spent a long time crying in the nights. No staff ever noticed and she kept it well hidden and everyone thought she was having a great time. She still talks about it now with a grimace although she has thankfully grown out of her homesickness. So I would err on the side of caution OP, if in doubt, sit this one out.
isitweds9thseptyet · 15/10/2021 20:40

They are bullshitting you. My sons year group of 80 kids just went and several didn't go somewhere between 4-8 kids. Varying reasons. They possibly don't want to organise an alternative for him. It is not compulsory.

It is standard practice for children to not have contact with home as most settle better without. They are encouraged to take teddies to help settle at night. And when a friends son was unsettled the boys in his room all rallied round him and looked after him and it bonded them.

Agree with others that if he is such a sensitive soul and homebody that the transition to high school might be harder and id start putting the prep in now to build confidence and independence. Walking to and from school. Going to the shops to do an errand for you etc. Going over to a friends house independently and helping around the home. If you are not doing these things already of course.

girlmom21 · 15/10/2021 20:41

@nomoneytreehere

My children's school always has a handful of parent helpers. Could you suggest this and go?
Are they DBS checked?