School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

@Monkeybumbum7

He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with his friends but he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things (as he thinks they will be seen as babyish) and he can’t see or speak to us. He flips from NO WAY to I dunno I don’t want to miss out on the fun bits.

Speak to teacher Half the class will take a favourite thing teddy comforter If he wants to go for fun bits encourage him

It's really sad to hear of those of you whose children had bad experience or had bad experiences themselves on school trips ☹️.
I wonder if the teachers knew how unhappy they were. It's very easy to say oh your child will be fine, and I guess most will. But it's not always the case sadly.

@Floristry382 I actually booked a b&b 20 mins aways from where they were as I didn't want to do a 3 hour drive in the middle of the night to collect him (they said they would ring if he didn't settle and he eventually did thankfully!) I didn't tell him I was staying up the road from him and never have since!

This is the sweetest thing I've read and something I would do. My mum did something similar and only told me about 2 years ago (and I'm an adult with teenage kids). OP - could you do something similar?

The risk is he feels homesick

The risk is more than that. The biggest risk is that he is put under pressure to abseil, climb and do other activities that he finds terrifying. I don't suppose that they can literally make him do these things; but he might be bullied and teased by both teachers and peers, in ways that would just make his confidence worse.

Pressuring the OP in telling her that for most dcs it’s better etc… isn’t helpful Imo.
She knows her child. She knows how they behave. A child that doesn’t want to go away on holiday with their own parents isn’t going to be happy with a residential.

I’d leave that child alone. They will get there, eventually and be independent at their own speed.

The child is question is saying they want to go though. They just don't know how. So its a question of working through that in the time til the trip and finding solutions and coping strategies they don't have together. Rather than saying 'nope you just can't cope therefore we are just going to sit on our asses and not try and find a way through because we can't be arsed because its too difficult'.

Signing up now, is only a part commitment. Its important, but if push comes to shove and its still I no go in a few month then bite the bullet and don't force him to go.

But if you aren't prepared to at least try, then the messaging you give is a crock o'shit anyway.

I wouldn't send him. As PPs have said your school would be very unusual if no-one has ever missed the residential. There are always DCs that don't go.

I also wouldn't send him because of current Covid rates. My friend's DD's year had a residential and by the end of the week, 50% of them had developed Covid. And yy the school had a risk assessment and yy they did lfts, temperature checks and less DCs in each dorm.

Residentials tend not to be character-building. They are not some Enid Blyton fantasy. If you have a DC who is frightened, cries, can't get to sleep and doesn't like the activities then there will be some little bullies who will absolutely take advantage of that.

@ddl1

How on Earth would a 10/11 year old have the knowledge that a school trip was over priced.

Children, especially from families that have felt the pinch, may be quite aware of prices and costs and what is and isn't good value, even as young as 10. She may have heard financial discussions about the costs of going on holidays, and extended this knowledge to school trips.

But a 10 year old couldn’t possibly form the opinion that a trip was over priced unless they have personally experienced or researched the prides of others holidays / school trips. Being an expensive trip is one thing but over priced means it’s not good value for money so that’s different. That idea has been put upon them by an adult rather than being their own opinion.

@Monkeybumbum7

He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with his friends but he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things (as he thinks they will be seen as babyish) and he can’t see or speak to us. He flips from NO WAY to I dunno I don’t want to miss out on the fun bits.

Actually RedToothBrush as clearly stated here, OP's son is completely conflicted about whether he wants to go or not, so I'm not sure what you're on about

@Monkeybumbum7

Wow a real mixed bag of answers. Some people obviously think I’m a wet flannel who is projecting some supposed issues or feelings I have onto him. Others are saying no way should he go.

He has never been one of those kids who is happy go lucky and throws himself into whatever activities. He is interested in new things- he is about to learn guitar, and goes to several clubs.

But he is never going to do abseiling or climbing or zip lining. Not in a million years. And no I’m not holding him back by saying that, I just know my child.

As for my perception of what the school said to me, what I said they said was their exact words. The head teacher is quite a cold matter of fact person and said to just tell him he is going. The office told me nobody has ever missed the trip.

The cost for the trip of £550. No small amount of money.

The trip is just one trip, he'll go or he won't and one trip won't matter much in the course of his life.

Your attitude will.

He'll never in a million years do abseiling or climbing or ziplining?? You're writing all of these options off for life because of your judgement of a 10/11 year old? That's not healthy for him and definitely makes me wonder how many of his fears and limits are coming from him picking up on your beliefs.

Your child psychologist friend was telling you what you want to hear but it is not normal for a child of this age to be crying and fearful of being away from their mum. Perhaps he is not neurotypical, but you should still be seeking support to help him deal with whatever issues are causing this behavior because while the choice to go on this trip is a small thing a lack of ability to cope with change or unfamiliarity is only going to become more limiting as he gets older. What will happen when there are high-school trips and he has no experience of how to handle them or coping mechanisms for him? Will he be prevented from studying certain subjects because he can't stand going away to do things like geography projects?

It sounds like coping with this trip could be a problem, so maybe don't send him, but do make a plan to get him the personal development and skills needed to handle it in the future.

He'll never in a million years do abseiling or climbing or ziplining?? You're writing all of these options off for life because of your judgement of a 10/11 year old? That's not healthy for him and definitely makes me wonder how many of his fears and limits are coming from him picking up on your beliefs.

That’s not what that kind of hyperbole means. OP is just saying there is no way that the boy he is now, and so close enough to the boy he will be by the time the school trip rolls round, will do those things.

Whether he’ll have a different approach by the time he’s 15 or 18 or 35 remains to be seen. But she knows the boy he is now and that boy would not do those things.

Please ignore school & don't force him to go. I was booked on a Guide residential at the same age & had an awful time, I was homesick all the time, found the activities hard to handle as I wasn't an outdoorsy child. Parents were able to visit on the Sunday & I begged my parents to take me home but the Guide leader told them to ignore me, that I was playing up & had been difficult the whole time. I wasn't being difficult, I was homesick & desperate to go home. It still makes me feel sick thinking about it now, I didn't go on any residentials at school & only went on a Youth Club weekend to London when I was 16.

@Monkeybumbum7

He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be with his friends but he knows he can’t take any of his bedtime comfort things (as he thinks they will be seen as babyish) and he can’t see or speak to us. He flips from NO WAY to I dunno I don’t want to miss out on the fun bits.

Not to influence as I don't think he should be forced to go and think the staff are shit, but in my children's school a teddy or comforter was on the list of things the children were to bring and all the staff brought something too.

Have you tried to do anything about his clinginess at night, that seems quite extreme for his age.

Have you ever gone out for the evening and left him with a babysitter?

How many holidays have you been on?

I wouldn’t ‘make’ him go against his will OP but how long between now and then.? Usually there’s a whole build up around these things to complement the things they will be doing in nature exploring the world around us etc
He may well change his mind.

Both of mine went on this residential in year 4 and both still talk of it as a highlight of primary school.

No mobile phones were allowed and no calls home because that can add to any homesickness.

I will say this though OP, if you DC is in year 6 you must have known this trip was coming up if you have been at the school for a while? This is normally spoken about in all the years building up to it....and a lot of parents build up to overnights away beforehand to get their DC used to being away from home. Can you do this if you haven’t already started to?

Lastly, in my experience, parents waving off at the school gate can be quite anxiety inducing too! Sobbing as the coach leaves etc doesn’t really help the child, but hey ho! - that’s maybe just me.

Unless you know a teacher well enough to know they will support your child in the way he needs and I suspect many will say they don't have time - I would not send him. Work on ways to build his confidence in other ways.

I feel for you OP, my son was very similar.
I remember the times I used to drag him to friends' parties and encourage him to go to activities that he was anxious about. Sometimes he would grin and bear it, sometimes he would be in tears.
From Year 5 ish I stopped encouraging him and let him just miss out on things he was anxious about. He skipped his Year 6 residential (about 10 of 60 children in the Year missed it - I'm amazed that no one in your school has ever missed it). I really feel that it helped to improve his anxiety as he no longer felt worried about going to things. He now knows that if doesn't want to go, he doesn't go. He's now in Year 8 and is a different child - he'll still never do abseiling or bungee jumping but he is much more outgoing and confident.
That was a long-winded way of saying that I wouldn't send him!

That's an expensive trip! I'd take the pressure off him, pay the deposit and tell him he can decide nearer the time. The school is not helping with their attitude so I'd ignore the head tbh. You could however spend some time getting him ready for being more independent as secondary school might be a big step up otherwise but he certainly doesn't have to be an outdoorsy Indiana Jones either!

@LuckyLucyLoot

I feel for you OP, my son was very similar. I remember the times I used to drag him to friends' parties and encourage him to go to activities that he was anxious about. Sometimes he would grin and bear it, sometimes he would be in tears. From Year 5 ish I stopped encouraging him and let him just miss out on things he was anxious about. He skipped his Year 6 residential (about 10 of 60 children in the Year missed it - I'm amazed that no one in your school has ever missed it). I really feel that it helped to improve his anxiety as he no longer felt worried about going to things. He now knows that if doesn't want to go, he doesn't go. He's now in Year 8 and is a different child - he'll still never do abseiling or bungee jumping but he is much more outgoing and confident. That was a long-winded way of saying that I wouldn't send him!

And another way of saying I wish I'd been led by my child rather than other people who didn't know him - I developed the confidence to stop listening to the professionals - they did not know him like I did and when I allowed my child to lead, things improved for him (and me)

Neither of my two went on the residential trips at the end of primary school. They were just not interested in the activities and I was happy to let them decide for themselves. Both confident adults now.

Isn't it the case that he will definitely be bullied and teased if he doesn't go though? At my DS school that would certainly have been the case. Horrid but true. And then he would have taken that rather limp reputation into secondary school with him. Honestly OP this residential can have come as no surprise to you - how have you both found yourselves in this state? You have had literally 11 years to prepare him for this! It's a bit late now and no idea what you can do, but for god sake start setting up some graded challenges for him now. Night with Nana x several, night with Friends, short walk to shop on his own etc. No one becomes independent without pushing themselves out of their comfort zone and it's your job to set the journey to independence up for him. It's not your job to simply make him happy. Your a parent not a friend.

To be honest, you have given sufficient reasons here as to why it would not be in his best interests to go. The idea he wouldn’t be allowed to contact you if he is unhappy would be a deal breaker for me. Some children just don’t like to be away from home and that is totally ok. Also, if he hates heights and the sorts of activities they would be doing then aside from being in the presence of his friends there doesn’t seem much to gain. Trust your instincts and do what you and he feel is best. x

YANBU but the school is. My two (both boys) have never went on the residential, their own choice. Their school had no issues and there were other children in the class who didn’t go, they just did some lessons and play time (like drawing or painting or bringing in their own stuff) instead. Nothing too drastic. The school cannot force you to send your anxious child away from the parent he is closest to for that period of time. Tell them straight and stand your ground or take it higher.

My dd was like this so I never sent her. The teachers would have a pop at me thinking I was being precious and ridiculous but she just didn't want to go. She's a teenager now and will take every opportunity to stay away from home. Don't worry about it

@HalzTangz

Don't send him.

However you do need to work on separation anxiety with him, he literally can't be tied to your apron strings for life.
Could you try short sessions where he stays at a friend's or relative, and increasing the sessions gradually until the point of achieving a sleep over.

Not sure what to advise about heights.
Have you been to a GP about his anxiety to see what they suggest?

@HalzTangz ‘for life’?? He’s 10 years old FFS. I also had quite an anxious child who needed me a lot. She’s 14 now and so much better. Children mature and start to become a bit more independent when they’re ready. No ‘should’ be like this by a certain age. All children are different. If parental support and reassurance is given as needed, they WILL cut the apron strings when ready.

It’s not illegal no not let him go and he will be fine if staying at home take him out while they are away.