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School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

416 replies

Monkeybumbum7 · 15/10/2021 15:17

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Silverswirl · 15/10/2021 18:51

@PackedintheUK

IME the ones who least want to go are the ones who benefit most, but they can't make you send him.
Totally agree with this and I have also found it’s often because of the parents fear more than the child’s (although by Y6 parents fears have well and truly infiltrated and altered the child’s perception of fear and homesickness) seen it time and time again.
DeireadhFomhair · 15/10/2021 18:51

I think you're getting a hard time from some, please don't take it to heart. It's easy to tell you you're wrong on an anonymous forum, but you know your child best so need to make the decision in his favour.
Don't be pressured into paying- if he really wants to go closer to the time I'm sure you can pay late. If you can't, then maybe it's a lesson to him that he needs to decide earlier.
He young yet, don't force him to go. But do Start to build his confidence so he can go confidently the next time.

Silverswirl · 15/10/2021 18:52

@Biscuitandacuppa

My DD is year 6 and is currently refusing to go on her residential trip to Cardiff. She has become more anxious since covid and said she doesn’t feel ready to go away. She also said she thought it was over priced, they would be rushed through the activities and she would prefer to visit Cardiff with me.

I have told her the cost is not an issue, it would be a fun experience with her friends, she has missed so much due to covid and would be a lovely experience.

She said no, I’m not going. Her school arrange cover for the kids that don’t go. In the past it’s been a science or art project.

At the end of the day I’m not forcing her to go if she doesn’t want to just because I think she would have fun. I’m listening to what she is telling me and respecting that. OP don’t make him go if he really doesn’t want to.

How on Earth would a 10/11 year old have the knowledge that a school trip was over priced. That’s something she has heard from you or another adult.

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DoraMaude · 15/10/2021 18:55

How would a year 6 child know that a trip is overpriced?

Loudestcat14 · 15/10/2021 18:55

Silverswirl That's such a sweeping generalisation. Knowing an anxious child is very different to living with one, day in day out.

Thecaravan · 15/10/2021 18:57

Ah tough situation. Seems like he is torn so would definitely try to encourage him but ultimately school can absolutely not force him to go. That's ridiculous. As a teacher, there are often kids who can't go for a whole variety of reasons. They were always give fun projects to do and if possible local trips. It's never a child's fault that they're not going and they should never be made to feel like they are being punished for not going.
Having been on many residential trips, cuddly toys are absolutely mandatory for all kids. There are always tears from a few in the evenings but that's normal and staff are there to comfort them. I've never seen a child really miserable the whole time. But you know your child. There will be many more opportunities for residentials at secondary school so it's really not a big deal if he doesn't go.

toomuchlaundry · 15/10/2021 18:59

DS went on a residential in Y4 at an activity centre and 8 out of 10 activities chosen by the school involved heights. At the time DS hated heights (found out at cub camp when they had an activity involving heights!). I spoke to the school and explained the issue. I was told in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t be made to do anything he didn’t want to. Went on the trip, enjoyed it, tried most of the activities apart from abseiling and zip wires as they are an all or nothing activity, whereas something like a climbing wall can be just as high as you want to go. He did venture on the zip wire on his Y6 residential but vowed never again!

Can you talk to the teacher and see if you can get some reassurance from them?

Cubs always includes teddies on the kit list for cub camp

YukoandHiro · 15/10/2021 19:00

I was that child.

Send him. He will hate it for the first 2-3 nights but eventually he will adjust. I cried every day but ultimately I did actually need to go through that as part of a developmental step. I think secondary school would have been far harder without having done it first

Silverswirl · 15/10/2021 19:01

@Loudestcat14

Silverswirl That's such a sweeping generalisation. Knowing an anxious child is very different to living with one, day in day out.
I get that some kids will be anxious by nature from the start but I have a lot of experience with primary kids spanning 30 years and in this experience many anxieties are given via anxious parents (who’s parents in turn were anxious towards them) I have seen lots of kids who I know are capable but parents who stop them trying or achieving something because it’s their own worries coming into play. This parental worry infiltrates hugely even if it’s not intended (and most often it’s not intended) but actions and a way of talking (with worry and fear about many day to day things) have a huge huge impact on a child who may have otherwise not been anxious.
Marmite17 · 15/10/2021 19:01

It's may not be due to any social anxiety, just interests.

ddl1 · 15/10/2021 19:02

Don't make him go. The fact that the headmaster (if you have interpreted his words correctly) is so dismissive and is using rather dishonest tactics to pressurize you would itself make me worried, even if there were no other concerns. Yes, it's rather dishonest, as I am quite sure that others MUST have missed the residential, due to illness, or just not being able to afford it: £550 is a lot of money!

If it was just anxiety about being away from home, I might try to encourage him to go. His anxiety may have been increased by the 20 months that we''ve all had. With all the necessary restrictions, and the emphasis on 'staying at home to save lives', it's a wonder that ALL children aren't scared to go away from home at the moment. A relaxed and enjoyable trip might help to combat some of his fears and anxieties, especially if they were partly induced by Covid and lockdowns.

But this doesn't sound like a relaxed and enjoyable trip. It sounds like a deliberate attempt to force children out of their comfort zones. Maybe OK for some children; though I'm surprised that something so full-on is being expected of Year 6 pupils - it sounds more like the sorts of activities sometimes organized for teenagers. But not for one for whom any trip puts him out of his comfort zone. If he is afraid of heights and climbing, and the trip is based around these, it's likely to make him more anxious about being away from home, not less so.

And the school certainly can't make him go. Especially if this involves you in spending £550! They can't both make an activity compulsory and charge you lots of money for it. Certainly not at a state school, and it would be considered very bad practice even at a private school.

WombatChocolate · 15/10/2021 19:03

The school will not try and force you to send him or force him to choose to go.
They might point out all the positives but it will ultimately be your decision. I'm surprised again by how many posters in this thread have an automatic position to see the school as the enemy and that the chocolate isn't interested in what is best for your child or what you want.

FWIW for any other people reading this, it often helps if kids have a chance to try a sleepover and something low key and local, before it gets to a big trip a long way from home. Kids who have been in Beavers and Rainbows since KS1 or gone to Brownies and Cubs often have a chance to do 1 night sleepovers, often in a local village or church hall. It's very low key and local and just builds up confidence. Other families have people over for a sleepover or their kids stay with grandparents. It's just little steps so a trip away at 11 isn't the first time...and then it doesn't feel like such a big deal.

Op, I'd say, have confidence in your child. I think you were surorised that he even wavered about going. You thought it would be a definite 'no' and clearly he could see aspects he would enjoy and doesn't want to miss out on.....that's more than some can see as positives at this point. It's a real sign, that with 6 months to prepare, he could well be ready, even if he has wobbles, by the time it comes. Year 6 is a big changing time. Kids really are growing up and ready for more and it's all about little opportunities and confidence building and trusting them and giving them opportunities in safe and supported environments. This kind of school trip does exactly that. It is its entire purpose.

I don't think anyone is a 'hater' on here, and no-one is being critical. We can all see it's tricky. No-one likes the idea of their child being thoroughly miserable, or wants the practicality of dealing with that, and lots of people feel the concern about how their child will cope. These are normal responses to children growing up and facing new opportunities. And gut feeling is important. Some people just know categorically that their child won't cope or have a terrible time. Often these are cases where a child has extra needs and it's all part of that. Schools know and understand those issues and are really good at accommodating lots of those issues, but there might be some they can't, or situations where you decide its not right. General, normal nervousness though can usually be overcome given a positive attitude from home and school, and especially if a child feels at least some kind of desire to be part of it.

In the end, I think we all want our kids to have opportunities to grow in confidence and independence in a way which is safe and appropriate. As parents, one of our roles is to provide those graduated opportunities and to help our child as they become available. People do take steps at different times, but the journey is something all young people have to go on and yr6 into yr7 is a key change and growing point. Some parents feel fearful of this and knowingly or not, some hold their kids back...it might be their own fears, or fears for their child or general lack of confidence about all kinds of things. That's where the real pity lies....not in the few who really the opportunites just genuinely aren't suitable for, for whatever reason, but those, for whom those opportunites would make a big difference, but who don't get them. It's the thing that marks out one group of children from another more than anything else....access to and encouragement to take up opportunites. Some face everything opportunity as something exciting and worth trying, but for others, it's seen as some kind of attack or threat. And I know money plays a role in that, because opportunites often cost.

Embroidery · 15/10/2021 19:04

Dont send him.
Schools do not have your childs best interests at heart. They prioritise discipline and conformity.
Honestly, not meant bitterly, its just true and more so in the last few decades.

YukoandHiro · 15/10/2021 19:05

@julieca is bang on about the phone calls. I went away when I was 8 with primary school and my grandparents visited for a day and it set off a massive wave of homesickness. I was basically fine before that

ddl1 · 15/10/2021 19:06

How on Earth would a 10/11 year old have the knowledge that a school trip was over priced.

Children, especially from families that have felt the pinch, may be quite aware of prices and costs and what is and isn't good value, even as young as 10. She may have heard financial discussions about the costs of going on holidays, and extended this knowledge to school trips.

Burnerphone21 · 15/10/2021 19:07

Do don't pay the deposit then what can they do?

Totally unhelpful at this point because the horse has bolted but I find getting a child to year 6 who can't cope with a night away from home more of an issue. But I know nothing of the ins and out of this situation so can't pass judgement and don't.

SE13Mummy · 15/10/2021 19:08

The school can't force you to send him on a residential trip so it's disappointing you've come away with that message. I've been teaching for twenty years and have done plenty of school residentials; they're a knackering highlight of the year, not because there's no marking to do that week but because it's lovely to see children trying all sorts of things they've never done before whether that's sleeping in a dormitory, eating green beans or canoeing.

Over the years I've also taken lots of children who have never stayed away from home before and at least one who had never managed a sleepover with a friend without calling a parent and asking to be collected. The most anxious child I've ever taken was a Y6 boy. He was keen to go but worried he wouldn't cope without his parents so we agreed various strategies including the most important of all; that if the adults running the trip felt he needed to come home because he was miserable, his parents would collect him. Behind the scenes, we took a lot of general photos and shared them with the parents whilst we were there - they showed him throwing himself into everything with gusto, just like everyone else. We contacted his parents by text at least once each day to let them know what he was up to and called them daily. He knew about the texts but not about the phonecalls - this meant he was able to request that we let them know that he'd loved archery/whatever whilst reducing the risk of him spiralling into homesickness by not having him speak direct to them. When he was busy, he had an amazing time and able to recognise this. At bedtime and the less structured times he was more prone to worrying but if he had something to join in with e.g
mass games of Uno, Dobble etc. he was fine. I won't lie, it was hard work to have no down time whatsoever but as the week went on and his worried times became shorter and shorter, he was more and more confident that he'd get through those moments. His peers were great with him too, providing distractions and helping him to review the things he'd really enjoyed as well as talking about the activities he was still looking forward to... and expressing their excitement that he might be up for a sleepover now! For him, the immersion in the setting, and the knowledge that his parents trusted the school adults to make the call on whether or not he needed to go home, was a success for him. A couple of weeks after returning, his mum told me that the experience had completely changed them as a family. Where previously both parents had always sought to immediately reduce any discomfort and 'solve' any anxiety, they now felt more confident at letting him sit with the discomfort for a while so he had the opportunity to prove to himself that he could survive it. They also recognised that previous sleepovers failed because of contact with home, usually in the form of his dad messaging through the Xbox to ask if he was OK.

That's the child your post reminded me of. If I was your DS's teacher, and if you were in a position to pay the £150, I'd encourage you to pay the deposit to keep his options open. I'd suggest not making a big thing of the trip but maybe looking for opportunities for him to have a friend over for a sleepover at yours and maybe some semi-sleepovers at a friend's i.e. pyjama party type set up whereby they watch a film and play games or whatever but he's collected at 10pm or whatever, so there's no expectation of him staying over.

Loudestcat14 · 15/10/2021 19:10

Silverswirl With respect, you are basing your theory on what must be fairly brief interactions with parents while they are with their children. While I absolutely concede there are some parents who will project their own anxieties and hold their DCs back, for many of us it's a case of becoming stressed that our kid is going to flip out again and be that one sitting on the sidelines crying again – it's a vicious cycle. I don't believe kids are made anxious either, I think it's a personality trait in the same way being bossy is, or being loud is. My DD has been anxious since she was tiny and I honestly can't see what me or her dad did to cause that, which is what you're saying must've happened.

I think everyone who is berating OP for making her DC more anxious about the trip should spend a day walking in her shoes. It is exhausting dealing with a child who is timid of everything.

TravelLost · 15/10/2021 19:10

@RedToothBrush

There are some inciteful comments on this thread about the OP's negativity.

My experience of this age group is its a crucial time to break away and form some independence from parents.

What happens is many kids try and match parental experience and expectations - so if they've been afraid of heights, their parents reinforce that and the kids then perform to that expectation

If you take the kid out of that situation, and into a new one with different conditions they find they aren't restricted by the same parental expectation and boundaries and instead have a different set of influences which can get them doing things they wouldn't otherwise attempt around parents.

This provides something of a life revelation for some as they realise they can do things they didn't think they could because they are outside the negative / cotton wool influence of their parents.

Schools will be well aware of how this is an important development milestone, which is why they try and get parents to encourage and almost let go and break their own views of what they think their own kids can do.

I've seen kids be talked up and encouraged to do things they'd said they couldn't with the right support and gentle encouragement on many occasions. And the buzz the kids get is brilliant.

So I think this is probably what the school is trying to do, and if they are going in hard to encourage kids to go, I'd be willing to bet its in part because they see the parents involved as part of a problem of holding a kid back and perpetuating anxiety by reinforcement rather than encouraging independent skills.

I do think this is precisely why Yr6 groups go on residentials.

I think there are a few exceptions who it possibly is still too much for, but I definitely think there are a good number of kids would would really benefit if their parents have some faith in them and let them grow up and give it a go...

Unless you actually have a child that is really scared and wouod really struggle . Not all children develop at the same time. They don’t HAVE TO go to a residential even if for a lot of them this is something really beneficial.

Pressuring the OP in telling her that for most dcs it’s better etc… isn’t helpful Imo.
She knows her child. She knows how they behave. A child that doesn’t want to go away on holiday with their own parents isn’t going to be happy with a residential.

I’d leave that child alone. They will get there, eventually and be independent at their own speed.

TravelLost · 15/10/2021 19:11

Sorry btw that’s not being negative imo

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 15/10/2021 19:11

@ddl1

How on Earth would a 10/11 year old have the knowledge that a school trip was over priced.

Children, especially from families that have felt the pinch, may be quite aware of prices and costs and what is and isn't good value, even as young as 10. She may have heard financial discussions about the costs of going on holidays, and extended this knowledge to school trips.

Plus they can take stuff very very literally

I told ds2 that he and ds1 were planning on spending too much on dds christmas present

When i asked for his Christmas list to send to grandparents, uncles and freinds i got a list of one item….costing £1

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 15/10/2021 19:12

Thats not even a list is it

WombatChocolate · 15/10/2021 19:13

'Don't send him. Schools do not have your child's best interests at heart...'

This makes me sad. And it shows more starkly an attitude which has come across numerous times in this thread,neven if not voiced so strongly.

When parents take the view that the school is the enemy, and all the things they do need to be fought and resisted and everything to be viewed with suspicion, of course a child will develop that same attitude too. When people have the idea that their children are better off inna closed-family centric world and not engaged in anything wider, the their opportunites are so limited, and the consequences seen throughout life. How sad....because some parents really do limit what their children could do.

And I absolutely don't think Op is in this category. I really think she's at that point lots of parents of children this age are....where they feel on a precipice of new things that they are maybe their children don't feel quite comfortable with. It's not about wanting to limit opportunities at all, but wanting to wrap their child up and protect them. And parents do have to each decide what is best and what is the right timing for their child to move on. And it is fine to say 'no' to some things and sometimes right to do so, as long as there is also a strong sense that growing indeoendnece is part of growing up and there are plans for how to help that happen in little steps. The problem is when people aren't prepared to let it happen at all. I don't think Op feels like that.

crossstitchingnana · 15/10/2021 19:15

Send him. My dd was anxious before her year 6 trip. Still talks about it fondly now, she's 22. He'll surprise you, and himself.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 15/10/2021 19:17

I don’t disagree per se wombat

But I wouldn’t of had to go to the year 6 residentials (gotta admit i loved it…was very disappointed when one child refused to let me go) if I could trust the school to look after the first child

They so completely and utterly fucked up with them on the 2 day trip I certainly wasn’t going to let it happen again with the 5 day trip!

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