School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

I've taken hundreds of 7-11 year olds on Brownie holidays. Every year, we get a few who come just for the day, or just for the first night, because they "can't" be away from home. Almost invariably, when the parent comes to collect, the child starts begging to stay with their friends. Often the anxiety beforehand is worse than the anxiety once they're actually there.

And soft toys etc are definitely on the primary school packing list!

I have to say, it's fairly nonsensical to say 'no one ever misses these trips'. I'm a teacher (not KS2, KS1) and we've often had children not go on school trips. The most common reason is because they're JW and their parents won't sign the forms to agree to medical help while we're abroad (think of that what you will). But we've also had anxious children (my own included) who really didn't want to go and wasn't made to go (my DC is now an adult and functions perfectly well with a degree and a professional job!).

OP, you do what you think best right now. It won't affect your DC's future prospects if they don't go.

Of course you know what to do. If he's really that anxious and it will cause him undue distress, then you need to keep him at home. 5 nights is a long time. However, I would also be looking into the cause of his anxiety/difficulty sleeping and also start trying to work on smaller steps building up to a night away at a friend's house down the road and on doing a small climbing wall in a harness with no pressure. Unless he has a specific anxiety issue or has something like autism, then you need to start to build up his confidence and help him to cope before he gets to secondary school otherwise he will start to feel left out and it will knock his confidence all the more. Have you tried the calm app for kids sleep stories?

Only you know your child well enough to make the decision. Ignore the school say tell him he's going and that's it.

When I was a primary school teacher I went away on trips to outdoor centres with children several times (most of the other teachers just refused to go so I ended up going - but them I'm outdoorsy so it didn't bother me).
We had kids every year who really didn't want to go and were very anxious. Usually there would be a few tears before bedtime on the first night and then after that once they got into the activities and all the rest of it, everything was fine. I can't recall anyone ever spending the whole time in tears or even any homesickness tears after the first night. They were very busy all the time and we had evening activities too and then they were so knackered they just fell into bed and fell asleep.
Your son might surprise you by loving it and having a great time if you decide to send him.
In the school I worked in, however, there were 2 or 3 kids every year who didn't go at all - not sure of the reasons for that. So you don't have to send him and they can't make you pay for it and force him to go.

The not being able to phone home thing is pretty standard - the issue with that is that once one starts phoning home they all want to and sometimes talking to the parents makes it worse, especially if a parent (and I am not saying this is you) is anxious themselves about the child being away - the child senses the anxiety and feels anxious themselves.

On the trips I went on, no child was forced to abseil or do high-ropes courses if they didn't want to. I often found myself standing next to a couple of kids watching everyone else doing the activities with the instructors. However, the centres we went to offered a lot of varied activities such as canyoning, canoeing, caving, hiking etc. which meant it wasn't all height focussed. Are you sure the only activities are high-level ones because that sounds a bit crap to be honest!!
Again, he might surprise you and actually begin to overcome his fear of heights (might not too... but you never know). It all depends how the teachers and instructors are going to react - will he be able to sit out of an activity and just watch if he really doesn't want to do it or are they going to "tell him he's doing it" like the head has said about the whole trip?

There's quite a lot to think about. Maybe pay the deposit and take it from there.

My eldest was exactly the same when he was this age. He does have several diagnoses though. He went on the year 5 residential which was two nights away. He managed the. whole trip. However, when I asked him if he enjoyed it he just said "I got through it". He did not go on the year 6 residential due to COVID.

He is now in year 8 and his confidence has grown so much. He will now walk to school with friends, go over to a friend's house, go to Scouts and music lessons and go to sleep without me sitting next to him. Yes, your DS will need to manage new things as he gets older, but he may just need to do it in his own time.

The school may be keen to encourage all of the children to go because of economies of scale. If several children do not go it is not financially viable anymore, so the children who are going will have to pay more, or the trip will have to be cancelled.

How far away from you is the residential, OP? We weren’t sure our child would cope, for similar reasons. And neither did his school, tbh. We worked closely with them, and came up with a plan. We stayed nearby, so he had the option to come back to us each night. We didn’t offer this upfront, but agreed it as a fallback, and our child was aware. Do you know what happened? Our child had the time of their life. A few wobbles, but all handled well by school. We’re so proud at how they’ve coped - literally nobody expected it to be like that.
Can you work with the school, consider alternative options that might provide reassurance to your child, or a way they can participate in part, it not all of the week?

This exact scenario happened to someone I know. The parents were torn because they wanted their DC to want to go but knew he couldn't. The school didn't get it but agreed to him not going, other parents said they should just make him go and he'd be fine. They decided to go with it and keep him home even though they weren't sure they were doing the right thing. He's now a very happy and confident 20 something but he says to this day that no way could he have done those trips back then. I say do what is right for your child. I wouldn't make him go.

I am broadly in the camp of encouraging him to go. It's quite hard to know how much is his worries, and how much is your worry about his worries, but either way, taking a (well supported) big step and doing it could build his confidence enormously. Even if he doesn't love quite every second, but parts of it. Even if he doesn't abseil (they don't push kids off towers against their will on these things).

However, £550. That is an awful lot of money for a trip anyone's feeling iffy about. Well spent if it works out though.

This is a no brainer I think given the cost and the distance. And the school are on a very sticky wicket suggesting it's compulsory. It absolutely cannot be. There is a specific form of wording schools have to use for these things, and the £550 is technically a 'voluntary donation' (assuming it's a state school).

I am pro trying things bur there is no way on this earth I would risk a 10 hour (!) round trip to pick up an upset child.

but

If he’s that anxious I would keep him off school rather than force him on the trip.
BUT this is an extreme amount of anxiety. For a child that age to need such settling at bedtime is unusual. I would seek proper advice over how to deal with that and build confidence going forward.

@dad11122

There is no way that 100 plus children could each phone their parents for 5 minutes and not totally ruin the rest of the trip. My daughter is going away soon with school and other children in the year group won't go for a variety of reasons. It's a real shame though that your son's anxiety is having such a big impact on his life at a time that should be full of excitement and fun.

Where are you getting 100 plus children from? When my DD went away on her year 6 residential there were fewer than 30 children in her class and a handful didn't go for various reasons. Fortunately my DD was allowed to phone home as it was her birthday while she was away, and we wanted to wish her a Happy birthday. (We weren't allowed to ring her) Similarly one of her classmates was allowed to ring home to wish her mother Happy birthday.

Just don't send him...? The school can't force you and if it's going to upset him that much then clearly it's not worth it. You're the parent so if you don't think he'd manage it then let the school know he won't be going. Doesn't matter if no one has ever missed the trip before

@Monkeybumbum7

Some of the responses on here have made me feel like shit.

No I don’t want him tied to my apron strings.

I don’t want to hold him back.

Jesus.

Ignore the haters. My DD is your son to a tee and it's not because I project or coddle her, it's because she's a naturally timid child who overthinks things. I have lost count of the amount of times I have seethed or cried with frustration because she won't try something new or join in with her friends. I watch them flinging themselves around adventure parks etc and have felt desolate that my kid is the one crying on the sidelines. It's so so hard being the parent of that child, don't underestimate how hard it is.

Mine did go to residential because she didn't want to miss out but it was a really mixed bag. She loved some of the activities but cried every evening and hardly ate the entire time. Ask her now and she wishes she hadn't gone. So, you know your son and if he is too anxious to go, don't make him. Sod what the school says.

How much could you afford to lose the deposit? I'm assuming that the residential is probably next summer and when they've had a lot of time to think and talk about it, by then he might feel devastated that he's missing out. I'll be tempted to post deposit and accept that I might end up losing it. The idea of the residential is scary at the moment but once it's been talked about in school and everybody else is going and there's lots of excitement in the air, it could be very disappointing to miss out, and might make him hate himself for not being brave enough.

I've been on three PGL, v outdoorsy residentials with children and no problems at all. Not all the children went though. Not everyone is into getting muddy, trail bikes, heights so in my mind let your child be true to their interests.
Would check for bullying though and try to engage with other trips or extra curricular activities

He doesnt have to go. But it will be hard for him hearing from the other children about the activities they did if he doesn't go. So I would encourage him unless he is adamant. He does not sound adamant.
Also be aware that kids often give a twisted version of what happens,. I worked in an outdoor education centre when young. We were told to make the last day incredibly exciting as that would set the tone for whether they told their parents they enjoyed it or not. We were taught that kids can have a great time for days, but if they have a flat last day, they tell their parents it wasn't good.

I used to work with 7 and 8-year-olds who were away for a week. It was rare to get much homesickness. But we also did not allow children to talk to parents on the phone as again we were told kids can be fine and happy, then after a 10-minute phone call you have to take them home.

Very interesting thread for me op as we've just had a similar decision to take. We've just decided not to send my dd on the school residential - I hope we've made the right decision.
She struggles with school, anxiety and friendships anyway and struggles to cope with school as it is. She was adamant she didn't want to go. We felt the risk of making her go was too high. No doubt some parents will think we are holding her back/we should have pushed her on. It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

I have been in your shoes and had people make judgment on my parenting because I have an anxious child. I have two ds, raised them both in the same way yet one is extremely anxious the other isn’t. It makes me so cross the people who judge, blame, say you’re over protective, mollycoddle etc. Unless you are in it it’s so easy to throw accusations and judgement. I would love my ds to not be anxious, I’d love not to have to deal with it but I do and I will love and support my child so they can feel safe in the world and therefore grow.

You cannot force a child to do something they don’t want to do, I didn’t listen to my gut in regard to something at school and it has been very damaging and as a consequence my ds lost his trust in the school and me for a while. I’m still unravelling it with Camhs help. There is a massive difference between encouraging your child to do something with support and forcing them.

My ds was unable to go on his residential trip, we tried, we talked about it a lot in the run up but I also assured them it was ok not to go.

As adults we know we sometimes have to do stuff we don’t want to but we also have the agency to say no to the big stuff we don’t want to do, you just need to be that adult voice for your child right now.

I'd love to know which areas have a mental health service that accepts referrals for an extended bedtime routine and not being keen to go on a school residential.

It's really not that extreme.

This was me as a child in year 6. They told me no one had ever missed the residential in the history of time. I refused to go and they couldn't make me. I neve regretted it.

I went on the school residential in year 7 - reluctantly (after trying to break my arm so I wouldn't have to) and I did cry the whole time and hated it. Some kids are just like that

@Whatamoraldilema

Very interesting thread for me op as we've just had a similar decision to take. We've just decided not to send my dd on the school residential - I hope we've made the right decision. She struggles with school, anxiety and friendships anyway and struggles to cope with school as it is. She was adamant she didn't want to go. We felt the risk of making her go was too high. No doubt some parents will think we are holding her back/we should have pushed her on. It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

I think your DD made the decision effectively and that is fine. There is a big difference between an anxious child who needs some encouragement, and one who is adamant they do not want to go.

@ArianaDumbledore

I'd love to know which areas have a mental health service that accepts referrals for an extended bedtime routine and not being keen to go on a school residential.

It's really not that extreme.

The mythical MN land where a chicken feeds a family of four for a week.

My DD is year 6 and is currently refusing to go on her residential trip to Cardiff. She has become more anxious since covid and said she doesn’t feel ready to go away.
She also said she thought it was over priced, they would be rushed through the activities and she would prefer to visit Cardiff with me.

I have told her the cost is not an issue, it would be a fun experience with her friends, she has missed so much due to covid and would be a lovely experience.

She said no, I’m not going. Her school arrange cover for the kids that don’t go. In the past it’s been a science or art project.

At the end of the day I’m not forcing her to go if she doesn’t want to just because I think she would have fun. I’m listening to what she is telling me and respecting that. OP don’t make him go if he really doesn’t want to.