School being unsympathetic over year 6 residential

[Monkeybumbum7]

Details of the residential have been sent out and a deposit is due next week. The deposit is non-refundable.

I have a very anxious child who never wants to stay away from home. He gets anxious at bedtime to the point of needing hundreds of cuddles before he will rest for sleep. He is a real homebody who doesn’t want to go on holiday even with us.

I’ve spoken to the school about what to do about the residential. I was told that nobody has ever missed it, and to just tell him he is going and that’s it.

I know he will be in floods of tears every day if he goes and really unhappy. They’re also not allowed to call parents if distressed.

In addition most of the activities involve heights. He hates heights. It’s all zip lines/ abseiling, that sort of thing.

I don’t know what to do.

I haven't got time to read the whole thread, sorry. (I will, later)

But when our schools does the year 6 residential some kids go for a day or they only go during the day and don't sleep over. Where they go is about 45 minutes, an hour in traffic from the school, so the parents that do that must drop and pick them up to enable it.

Is it close enough for you to consider this as a compromise with the school?

And he could possibly stay over just one night or something if he's been enjoying the daytime there?

My Dd was like this. I sent her because it was a face your fear situation.
I planned a sick day in my head in case I needed to drive to collect her, rehearsed the journey etc
In the end she loved it, ate all the food I didn’t think she would eat, did all the activities she’s previously refused to do, and had an amazing time.

My son's school's Year 6 residential is next week. He isn't going - he's on the spectrum and the whole thing would be ridiculously stressful and difficult for him.
School were great - offered an alternative of just visiting for a day or two etc but he didn't want to go and I'm not in the business of forcing him against his will!
The school have an activity week lined up for the children who aren't going (don't know how many that is).
I would be stunned if any school had 100% take up for a resident tbh?

It's not obligatory. I wouldn't send him, if he would hate it. You both will be miserable. The school cannot force your child to go on a residential.

The school require your permission to take him. You don’t require their permission!

I’d just be saying no.

My daughter won’t be going on her year6 residential for similar reasons. School can suck it! 🤣

How much is the deposit, and when is the trip?

@RedToothBrush that is true what you say and I do believe children should be encouraged to do things out of their comfort zone. But it’s also a balance between recognising that some children are not ready for residentials at that age and that’s ok, it’s not going to affect their development or have any long term consequences.

As for brownie leaders saying that nervous children are always ‘fine’, that’s not always true. Some children, especially girls, are good at masking their feelings and might be having a horrible time but not want to admit it.

Just say no!
My child’s class is going next week and she is not going.
She is not interested in that stuff and frankly I can’t afford to pay almost £450 for the trip and another £50-60 for the clothing and sleeping bags, waterproofs etc)
Nobody even questioned it in the school. I just did not pay the deposit and that’s all.

@PetrifriedPumpkin if that is actually what they said then that is illegal.
All school trips are optional and children are entitled, by law, to a full time education. What they’re doing is essentially ableist/elitist exclusions.

At our school there is a close to 100% attendance at the Year 6 residential, it's rare for the whole class not to go, and if someone misses it eg due to injury, it seems very hard for them as the rest of the class seem to talk about it endlessly afterwards. I would generally advise to send him but if you genuinely are sure he would be in floods of tears every day and he wouldn't enjoy it, then it would seem stressful for him and a waste of money for you. However, if he has a good bunch of friends in his class, he may surprise himself and actually love the experience, hopefully there will be walking/kayaking/caving and other non-height based activities on some days? He is of an age where you can discuss it with him and reach the decision together I think. If he decides not to go, there will be other trips in secondary school, it's not a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I was a homebody as a child, I still am. I hated residential trips, I hate being away from home, hate heights, hate being cold and damp, hate sleeping in a different bed etc. I was forced to go on these residentials, I hated every second. It was such a waste of money because I’d cry all week feeling homesick, I’d be really reluctant to take part and I was forced to take part in activities by the teachers. I actually had a panic attack at the top of this mountain that we had to abseil down, the instructor was kind and understood so he strapped me to him and took me down.

Please don’t be this parent. It’s not fun for us.

If little one doesn’t want to go then don’t make them. Spend the money on things they’d enjoy during that week like going to a zoo or a museum etc.

@Monkeybumbum7

So to answer questions: it’s 5 nights away and about 5 hours drive away.

He is an only child which may play a role in his clinginess, who knows.

Erm, maybe? I mean, in the kindest way, if you had another child, or even three children, you wouldn’t have TIME to give him “hundreds of cuddles” every night and would have seen this as a problem that needed a solution long before now.

It sounds like he’d LIKE to be able to be with his friends but due to his current issues, he is incapable. How long before the residential? Long enough for you to go away for a weekend and him to stay with someone (family member, friend)? A situation where you can’t come get him at bed time, the same as it would be at the residential? If you and he are not willing to try that, then don’t spend the money on the residential.

Since he’s saying he wants to be there for the “fun bits,” as a parent, you have to help him develop the tools to get through the rest of it. Most parents do it around age 6. You have to do it age 11. Better now than 18 (and yes, it will be 18 if you don’t help - independence doesn’t just develop by itself with anxious children).

Unfortunately some kids just do not cope well on residentials. If you don't think he will cope do not send him.

Took my daughters school a while to realise that as she is on the spectrum activities they think would be fun for her which involve socialising are actually her idea of hell.

It's highly likely he will be fine. I don't think you're doing him any favours by not sending him to be honest. It sounds harsh but how long do you keep giving in to his anxiety ? Prepare him tell him he is going. Work through ways of coping with the panic. He will regret not going

I find that hard to believe no child has ever missed it, does he want to go? If so, try with the option of coming home? Althoughwill school notify you? If so dont send him!!

He's your kid. Just tell them he's not going. That's what I did.

Year 6 teacher here, I’ve taken children on a residential every year for the last 10. Often those that seem most nervous and anxious about being away from home are the ones that succeed the most – they are the ones that surprise you and get so much from it, it does wonders for their confidence. Similarly there are children who miss these trips each year for the same reasons and I always think it’s such a shame, they can never get that time back. If it helps, they are usually so busy in the day that when it comes to the night time they are absolutely shattered! There’s not usually too much of an issue with bedtime but staff are all well skilled in getting children settled if needs be. Tough decision for you but just giving my input!

Is it possible some of this anxiety is yours? The year six residential is a rite of passage for most children. Ringing home never an option because the children more likely to experience separation worries if they do. Trust the teachers will call you if neeeded. Your son will be just fine and it will do him a lot of good.

But if its all too much just keep him at home with you. He will miss out but its not the end of the world either.

does he want to go, if not then dont send him, not worth stressing him out over it or yourself come to that, my grandsons going to be the same and I'd rather him stay home than cause him stress

@WombatChocolate

Op, I take it as a real encouragement that he’s dithering. This is entirely normal. Loads of kids feel torn about this kind of thing. It’s like feeling torn about whether to jump or not at the top of the zip wire. Parents feel like it too about the early stages of independence.

He’s not categorically refusing to go. It’s not as black and white as you first thought. Dont feel crap about it all. This is your parenting opportunity to help him get there with it and overcome some fears. And it’s not a linear progression. You might sign him up and some days he will be adamant he can’t go and do it and cry. And other days he will feel a bit more positive. And he might cry as he gets in the coach, and he might cry a little bit when there…..and overall have a fab time and be so proud of himself.

All you can do is encourage him. Show him you believe in him and you believe in the school to make it a good time. Loads of positivity. Plus, also that’s else that nothing has to be decided for absolute certain right now (even if you have signed up) because that little glimmer of ‘get-out’ can really help at this early stage. But you don’t make too much of the glimmer, and focus instead on the positives and building him up. Yes, to thinking ahead to a possible sleep over….at yours first, then maybe somewhere else. There’s loads of time to make baby steps.

Don’t feel crap. Both of you are entering a new phase.

Very sensible advice

You don’t have to send him if you think he won’t cope. But it’s certainly not the usual for a child that age to be too anxious to go on holiday even with his parents, and need “hundreds” of cuddles to be able to sleep.

You don’t need to send him somewhere before he’s ready, but you do need to address his anxiety and try to give him the skills that he’s currently lacking to be a bit more robust going forward.

Some people obviously think I’m a wet flannel who is projecting some supposed issues or feelings I have onto him.

Ignore them. Those who think residential are excellent for all kids, forget that all kids aren’t the same. I’d have hated it as a child. It wouldn’t have done me any good. The fact is, residentials are good for a certain type of kid and the rest just endure them.

Don’t send him. Our school always has a few who don’t attend. Your school is either lying, or other kids have been forced in to taking part by putting too much pressure on kids.

Commenting as an adult who, as a 9 yr old child, was put in this exact position and spent the entire first night sobbing my eyes out until the teachers got sick of me at 1am which resulted in my mum and dad (bless their hearts) driving two hours to come and pick me up because I couldn’t sleep / eat / participate in anything. I felt constantly sick all day and night and just wanted to go home. In hindsight that probably explains why I’m such an introvert these days and only go out when I know exactly what’s happening! Stick to your guns OP and keep him at home if you know he’s going to hate it. I’d also advise to work on some breathing techniques and mindfulness with him, as that’s really helped my anxiety and that awful sickly knot in my stomach as an adult. Hope this helps ❤️

I went to Guide camp, hated it and my mum picked me up after two days. Meant that I decided not to go on my year 6 trip, best decision ever as I’d have hated it. I turned out okay, went away to uni and for work.

Just let him stay at home, there’s nothing wrong not wanting to on an overnight trip at that age.