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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 05/10/2021 19:55

Note to self... read thread..

FluffyWhiteBird · 05/10/2021 19:56

She may be nice as pie with it but I think she's trouble. I wouldn't be having any more solo meer ups with her and if you get chatting at a family gathering I'd keep it all non-commital and polite surface-chat because I think she could be the kind to twist anything you say. Why don't your DS and his GF believe you? Because MIL has painted a particular picture of herself to them and then acted seemingly out of character with you? That's the kind of thing difficult people do. I'd screen calls from her, answer by text. Even if she comes to you in future and says directly can you have a word with DS because he's spending too much time there, I'd just pretend you didn't get the text, delete it and do nothing. Your DS is 20 it's not appropriate for you to intervene like that. Her inability to be assertive in her own home or unwillingness to be seen as the "bad guy" isn't your problem.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 20:00

Yes, I'm going to have one last conversation with DS along the line of "look I really do think she's saying she wants you there less and doesn't want to be the bad guy, but you're a grown up and you'll make your own judgement. You know you're both welcome here".

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SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 20:06

Daughter is just 18, still in sixth form. I think you can?

You can’t tell an 18 year old where they are expected to be at Xmas, at least you shouldn’t. It’s really controlling.

ChristmasPlanning · 05/10/2021 20:12

Well handled

Whattheflecker · 05/10/2021 20:15

I don't think this is about DS and GF at all. I think she's worried about you not having DS around when you've lost your DH recently. (Not worried enough to give up Xmas with her DD mind but telling that she mentioned that specifically).

NettleTea · 05/10/2021 20:15

if she is in 6th form, has she got exams coming up? If he is there half the time is that impacting on her study, and is she planning, or rather WAS she planning to go to university, and if so, where does that leave your DS?

Solainbows · 05/10/2021 20:21

@NettleTea

if she is in 6th form, has she got exams coming up? If he is there half the time is that impacting on her study, and is she planning, or rather WAS she planning to go to university, and if so, where does that leave your DS?
Very good questions.
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 20:21

@NettleTea

if she is in 6th form, has she got exams coming up? If he is there half the time is that impacting on her study, and is she planning, or rather WAS she planning to go to university, and if so, where does that leave your DS?
Actually I've muddied the waters bit because she's not actually in sixth form, but she is that age. She has big plans to travel the world working in the field for which she's currently in college. They don't seem to have changed. She's got another 3 years on her course.
OP posts:
DameMaureen · 05/10/2021 20:30

The Mum is worrying that her daughter is going to put her plans on hold so that she can be with your son . She's trying to couch it in other terms but it is that I bet.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 20:33

@DameMaureen

The Mum is worrying that her daughter is going to put her plans on hold so that she can be with your son . She's trying to couch it in other terms but it is that I bet.
Maybe so but that's for her and her daughter and possibly DS to resolve. It's not for me to deal with surely?

DS is very supportive of her course. Really proud of her.

OP posts:
SuperstoreFan · 05/10/2021 20:36

She sounds like she's trying to cause trouble.

NumberTheory · 05/10/2021 20:37

@AndOtherStories

Yes, I'm going to have one last conversation with DS along the line of "look I really do think she's saying she wants you there less and doesn't want to be the bad guy, but you're a grown up and you'll make your own judgement. You know you're both welcome here".
If you are going to say something more, this is a good way to go. But honestly, this is just not your problem. If this is definitely what GF’s mum means then she is trying to use you so she doesn’t have to communicate her own needs to either your DS or her own DD. She wants you to be the one to say no while she gets to smile and “be nice”.

She started playing games by asking you not to mention you were meeting up - but told her own DD anyway. Yet another way she makes you look sneaky and underhand while she plays perfect mum.

If she doesn’t want to be so hospitable it is well within her power to change that. She doesn’t actually need you to do it for he and it’s pretty rude to your DS (and her own DD) for her to constantly pretend she loves it when she doesn’t, then try and have you tell them they’ve been inconsiderate and pushy.

You would be better off giving the - “They’re both welcome here. Your a grown up, you don’t need me to deliver your messages for you” speech to the GF’s mom.

NettleTea · 05/10/2021 20:37

its one thing to be proud of someone doing a course and a total other thing when they say 'right, Im off to South America for 6 months as I told you at the start'
Or when they say 'oh never mind those plans I had, I will find something local'
relationships at this age are lovely, but your brain does a hell of a lot of growing up between 18 and 26 and its unusual for those relationships to last, and they shouldnt be putting any dampers on future plans, on either side.

Does your son want to travel - has he got the kind of job that could see him useful in a different country?

DameMaureen · 05/10/2021 20:39

@AndOtherStories you are right - it isn't for you to deal with but she's trying to get you to think and maybe say to son - " you do know that Becca has years of study ahead of her and she will probably up and leave" .... she's trying for a two pronged attack.

HotSauceCommittee · 05/10/2021 20:41

@Nannyamc

Had a bit of this when ds and girlfriend were 18 shortly after meeting. Mum tried to tell me she was not a nice girl and started to tell me a few home truths about her daughter. Told her to leave as the girl i knew was nowhere near what she was saying. 20 yrs later they are very happy together married with 2 children and i really get on with her. At the weekend there was a party for dgs and she started on it all again. Did not respond. She is a wonderful wife and mother and my son is very happy.I could never tell them this.
You are ace xxx
Bimblybomeyelash · 05/10/2021 21:00

Well if I was the mother ringing you, I’d be doing it out of concern for you.
She knows that you have lost your husband this year and maybe she is genuinely concerned that you might be feeling like they have ‘stolen’ your son. She might have been fretting thinking about ‘poor otherstories, sad and alone’ and feeling guilty that your son spends more time at theirs than at yours. I think mostly she was just looking for you to say ‘it’s fine’ so that she wouldn’t have to feel bad about it.

me4real · 05/10/2021 21:04

Maybe she is genuine. I mean it's not like if she said this to a person who hasn't just suffered a loss of their life partner. She might genuinely be thinking of you and that you might be lonely and missing your DH and feel better if you had people around you.

They do seem a bit odd though. Maybe it's because the DD has had some issues that they've been trying to push along the relationship, in the hope it'll keep her well.

Fourinaroomboredmn · 05/10/2021 21:05

Hmm 🤔 no idea what angle she’s coming from here!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/10/2021 21:10

I think you’re right to not play the game. Just say-I think she doesn’t want you there every night and you need to spend some time at home, but you are a man and should be able to think this through yourself. I wouldn’t be wanting you both here full time either. You need to consider the fact you are imposing but she’s too polite to tell you.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/10/2021 21:26

I'm watching and learning. She's trying to Be Nice and should Be Direct. Your son is love brained and not taking the hint. They don't want to upset their daughter who is doing exams.

What she is saying is "please point out to your adult son that our daughter's priorities need to be things other than his body".

SHe's doing it REALLY badly, but, she has a point.

Famousinlove · 05/10/2021 21:30

@Bimblybomeyelash

Well if I was the mother ringing you, I’d be doing it out of concern for you. She knows that you have lost your husband this year and maybe she is genuinely concerned that you might be feeling like they have ‘stolen’ your son. She might have been fretting thinking about ‘poor otherstories, sad and alone’ and feeling guilty that your son spends more time at theirs than at yours. I think mostly she was just looking for you to say ‘it’s fine’ so that she wouldn’t have to feel bad about it.
this is exactly what i got from your posts
ElizaDarcysDeeds · 05/10/2021 21:44

I don't understand why you think it's her role to speak to her DD and to speak to your DS. You're taking a very hands-off approach. It can't and shouldn't be her responsibility to speak to everyone.

It's clear she doesn't want to upset your DS because she's aware you're all recovering from a loss but it's equally clear that she thinks your DS is there too much. From the comment about her DH, I think it also sounds as though she's worrying that your DS' relationship with him may prove a pressure on their DD.

Your DS may be 20 but if this is his first serious relationship with someone younger then you do need to help give him parameters. It's not his gf's DM's job to do that.

KatySun · 05/10/2021 21:49

How utterly bizarre. It’s also insensitive, I feel, the comment about her DH taking a fatherly role when you have been so recently bereaved.

The Christmas comment is premature (it’s only October!) and possessive.

I am useless at reading situations and I don’t like being drawn into other people’s drama so I would be backing away, and leaving them to it. Your DS is an adult and if this woman has something to say, she should say it directly.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/10/2021 21:49

Tricky. As others said she said not to mention it to ds but she told her dd

Sorry to hear about dh 💐

Maybe she is truely concerned about you being alone lots - what she is other ds. Does he live with you

As your first Xmas without dh I think should be spent as a family but maybe with gf popping in