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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:08

Weren't going to cause trouble....

OP posts:
JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 19:11

Hehe yeh

HalzTangz · 05/10/2021 19:16

It's not dishonest at all, you are free to meet who you want without your son knowing.

Just go meet, find out what she wants. Might be something, might be nothing.
But if it is something (such as pregnancy) I'm sure you'd want to know than be in the dark

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Families
Embroidery · 05/10/2021 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:18

I don't think there's any risk DS is imposing too much on the DH. Mum said DH tends to get a bit pushy and over involved.. I doubt very much if DS is asking for help, that just wouldn't be like him.

I'm tempted to text and say "look if you want him there less you're going to have to tell your DD what the rules are" but that will undo all my playing nice effort Grin

OP posts:
SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 19:18

HalzTangz

You need to read the thread.

Embroidery · 05/10/2021 19:18

Pregnancy, drugs, moving abroad, moving out, spending a lot of money. Sex under her roof shes not v comfortable with. Abortion.
Shes done the right thing contacting you.

SunshineCake1 · 05/10/2021 19:22

I think the comment about her husband playing too much of a fatherly role was a bit ouch tbh. Sorry for your loss Flowers.

HalzTangz · 05/10/2021 19:27

She doesn't want to be the bad mother stopping her daughter's bf coming over so much.
I would tell your son to split the time and bring her to yours half the week

HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2021 19:27

DS's response to the night off thing was "she only has to ask" and GF insists that's not what she wants at all. It might well be what her mum wants for her and I get that but....

I feel sorry for her - she’s trying to convey, as gently and as sensitively as she can, to tell you all that she wants her own home to herself and family sometimes, without upsetting anyone.

“She only has to ask” is obtuse. She obviously doesn’t want to reject him to his face.

You all need to listen to what she’s trying to tell you.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:30

@HeddaGarbled

DS's response to the night off thing was "she only has to ask" and GF insists that's not what she wants at all. It might well be what her mum wants for her and I get that but....

I feel sorry for her - she’s trying to convey, as gently and as sensitively as she can, to tell you all that she wants her own home to herself and family sometimes, without upsetting anyone.

“She only has to ask” is obtuse. She obviously doesn’t want to reject him to his face.

You all need to listen to what she’s trying to tell you.

I agree but she's not only not saying that to her DD she's insisting the exact opposite. So you have me (clingy, jealous mum) insisting that he shoud spend more time at home and both GF and her mum saying it's absolutely fine for him to be there as much as he/they want.

I will talk to him again on his own, but she needs to at least tell her daughter straight, even if she doesn't want to say it to him.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 05/10/2021 19:31

She sounds like a shit-stirring bitch.

So, she tells you she wants to have this conversation in secret but tells her DD that she’s having the conversation.

Then she drops into conversation with you that she thinks DS spends too much time there, but no she doesn’t say it directly, she implies it. And because she’s expected you to keep this secret, she probably was hoping that you would start to tell DS you want him there more, because obviously you can’t tell him that GF’s mum has had enough of him being there because it’s all a secret, y’know?

So that then leaves your DS and his GF feeling like you’re the one who is possessive and controlling because you’re starting to demand your DS home, and they don’t know the reason for that is the fact that the mother would rather he not spend so much time there.

And she will then probably feed to her DD that you’ve said you don’t see enough of DS.

Honestly? While I know this will make her the winner, given the DD still lives at home, I would encourage your DS to run a mile from this relationship. No good can come of him being in his GF’s life, IMO. Not while her mother is on the scene.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:33

Yes @AlternativePerspective, I was glad to have the opportunity to tell them both together what had been said. I'm not sure they believed me though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:34

I'm really not going to "encourage" my 20yo son to break up with what he sees as the love of his life though.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2021 19:37

She sounds like a shit-stirring bitch

Or someone trying (and failing) to handle a tricky situation without upsetting anyone.

Not everyone has perfect communication skills and the confidence to be assertive.

rrhuth · 05/10/2021 19:41

would put it back in her court and stop worrying about 'playing nice' - just be open and honest.

So text her and say something that conveys 'I told them both you wanted more space, they said you said it was OK for them to stay, I am not sure they are clear about how you feel'. And leave it with her.

She should never have roped you in to her issues.

Comedycook · 05/10/2021 19:42

Actually the more I think about it...I can't decide whether she sounds absolutely lovely or she's an absolute horror. Could be either

Ouchmyback · 05/10/2021 19:47

@Comedycook

Actually the more I think about it...I can't decide whether she sounds absolutely lovely or she's an absolute horror. Could be either
She is a horror.

I have spent too much time round passive aggressive people to know when that shit is being pulled Grin

BubbleCoffee · 05/10/2021 19:48

Very odd. Your DS and his GF are adults. The GF's mother can talk to them herself if she wants to discuss the frequency of visits etc. She sounds very controlling. Also, you don't tell an adult that you 'expect' them to be somewhere particular at Christmas 

Tulipomania · 05/10/2021 19:48

MY DS is about the same age and has been in a LTR with his GF for 2 years!

There have never been any issues abut Xmas - they each spend it with their own family.

rrhuth · 05/10/2021 19:49

@BubbleCoffee

Very odd. Your DS and his GF are adults. The GF's mother can talk to them herself if she wants to discuss the frequency of visits etc. She sounds very controlling. Also, you don't tell an adult that you 'expect' them to be somewhere particular at Christmas 
Yes this - she can be where she wants at Christmas surely?
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:50

@BubbleCoffee

Very odd. Your DS and his GF are adults. The GF's mother can talk to them herself if she wants to discuss the frequency of visits etc. She sounds very controlling. Also, you don't tell an adult that you 'expect' them to be somewhere particular at Christmas 
Daughter is just 18, still in sixth form. I think you can? I wouldn't for DS now but I would have when he was still at school.

Whatever, I don't think there's much I can do except not be like her.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 05/10/2021 19:50

Or someone trying (and failing) to handle a tricky situation without upsetting anyone. nope. the fact she told the OP to keep this meeting/call secret from her DS while she, the stirrer told her DD about it says everything we need to know.

HalzTangz · 05/10/2021 19:52

@SuperstarDog

HalzTangz

You need to read the thread.

I comment as I read !!
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 05/10/2021 19:54

"But I don't understand why she doesn't want me to tell them."

Maybe her daughter is one of those "omg mum you're so embarrassing, please don't get friendly with his Mum" ever embarrassed teenagers.

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