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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
mytortoiseisill · 05/10/2021 21:54

Only safe course is to tell your son that this woman has approached you but you are far from sure you actually understand the message.

PenguinLove1 · 05/10/2021 21:58

I dont think you have understood what she meant at all, i think it sounds like they are enjoying having your son there , however are aware that you have lost your husband recently and will maybe also be feeling that they are taking your son away from you too.

I think she was just checking you were ok and not annoyed you dont see him as much as the moment.

From a DIL of a MIL who only has sons your attitude is amazing and your future DILs will love you for it. And sorry for your loss x

GrandeTerrasse · 05/10/2021 22:08

The first red flag was the meeting up without telling DS.

I would be very wary of anyone trying to get me to do anything behind my own DC’s back.

Agree that she is totally manipulating the situation and playing silly schoolgirl games.

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JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 22:10

@Comedycook

Actually the more I think about it...I can't decide whether she sounds absolutely lovely or she's an absolute horror. Could be either
It really could The only thing that makes me think negatively about it, is the fact she brought up Christmas....
RumblyMumbly · 05/10/2021 22:17

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I'm watching and learning. She's trying to Be Nice and should Be Direct. Your son is love brained and not taking the hint. They don't want to upset their daughter who is doing exams.

What she is saying is "please point out to your adult son that our daughter's priorities need to be things other than his body".

SHe's doing it REALLY badly, but, she has a point.

I agree she's trying not to upset anybody and this is new territory for her having her teenage DD in an adult relationship.

She wanted to let you know in advance she wants a nuclear family Christmas. She's also probably mindful that it won't be an easy Christmas for you and that you may want your sons with you. Sorry for your loss @AndOtherStories

Freddiefox · 05/10/2021 22:29

@HeddaGarbled

DS's response to the night off thing was "she only has to ask" and GF insists that's not what she wants at all. It might well be what her mum wants for her and I get that but....

I feel sorry for her - she’s trying to convey, as gently and as sensitively as she can, to tell you all that she wants her own home to herself and family sometimes, without upsetting anyone.

“She only has to ask” is obtuse. She obviously doesn’t want to reject him to his face.

You all need to listen to what she’s trying to tell you.

Why is it on the op to break up the fun. The mum can’t expect to be the cool mum and op gets to be the fun police.

Op is step away from her a bit. Your children are grown ups, Particularly your son. Make them welcome at yours. And leave it at that.

HannaHanna · 05/10/2021 22:33

@SuperstoreFan

She sounds like she's trying to cause trouble.
I wonder about this. It all seems dramatic.
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 22:38

Well no wonder I'm confused when views here range from it absolutely is your job to sort this and not put it all on other mum, to how dare any parent ever take an interest in their adult child's relationship Grin

I have spoken to DS about not getting in the way of GF's dreams. I think he gets it, whether she does I'm not so sure, but again I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. Even if I was minded to interfere, the only effect that would have would be to push them closer together.

OP posts:
FreshFancyFrogglette · 05/10/2021 22:49

That is very undermining and controlling behaviour. I do feel for ds's gf if she's always like this. The sort of person who likes to pull the strings from behind, whilst giving the illusion of independence. Often done with the pretence of having their best interests at heart, but really is in order to maintain control for herself.
I hope I'm wrong.. But be weary. I wonder if she'd be so friendly if it was the other way around, and ds and gf were always at yours...

LlamaTime · 05/10/2021 22:51

I see it differently. With your DH having recently passed away I think she's worried about you, checking in on you and making sure that DS is home enough in case you're struggling.

Totally agree with your approach though. If she is trying to be cool mum, don't play her game. She can explain to daughter.

RantyAunty · 05/10/2021 23:05

I can't believe people calling the girl's mum a shit stirring bitch?! Really.

OP she is trying to tell you that your DS is over their far too much and he needs to have a life besides her DD.

Is you DS working or in school? Does he have other friends to do things with?

People are saying the DD is an adult but really she just only turned 18. She has her entire life ahead of her.
School, working, travel, friends, etc.

I wouldn't want my DD tied down to someone at the age of 18.

Bobsyer · 05/10/2021 23:05

Is she still in school?

I ask because I was the same age when my dad had a 'serious chat' with then-boyf who was at college. Told him to basically cool his jets as I was in the final year of A levels. I can see a different parent might approach the other parent to say something similar!

(FWIW we did not cool our jets Grin)

Could be something, could be nothing. I wouldn't say anything to DS until you've spoken to her - it could be something completely mundane like she just wants to get to know you better as a friend as she likes your son.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 23:08

@RantyAunty

I can't believe people calling the girl's mum a shit stirring bitch?! Really.

OP she is trying to tell you that your DS is over their far too much and he needs to have a life besides her DD.

Is you DS working or in school? Does he have other friends to do things with?

People are saying the DD is an adult but really she just only turned 18. She has her entire life ahead of her.
School, working, travel, friends, etc.

I wouldn't want my DD tied down to someone at the age of 18.

I agree with all of that, but I don't think I can make a 20yo do anything about it. The only result if I try will be damage to our relationship.

He does have other friends which he sees with her. He also sees her friends with her.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 05/10/2021 23:10

Daughter is just 18, still in sixth form. I think you can? I wouldn't for DS now but I would have when he was still at school.

It's this OP - GF's parents want her to study. They've probably suggested to their daughter that she sees your DS less, but she's probably talked them into thinking that so long as she's at home, she's still studying, if your DS is there or not. Probably why they're not round yours as often.

Maybe suggest to DS that he invites her over and see how she reacts.

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 05/10/2021 23:15

@PenguinLove1

I dont think you have understood what she meant at all, i think it sounds like they are enjoying having your son there , however are aware that you have lost your husband recently and will maybe also be feeling that they are taking your son away from you too.

I think she was just checking you were ok and not annoyed you dont see him as much as the moment.

From a DIL of a MIL who only has sons your attitude is amazing and your future DILs will love you for it. And sorry for your loss x

This!
Kite22 · 05/10/2021 23:15

She sounds very over invested.
If she has concerns about how much time they are spending together then she needs to address them with her dd and with him. this is nothing to do with you and it is very weird to have contacted you.

RantyAunty · 05/10/2021 23:16

OP no you can't control him but does your DS get that being with her pretty much 247 isn't healthy?

Does your son understand what is being asked of him?

And what did he have to say about her mum's request for him not to be there all the time?

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 23:19

@RantyAunty

OP no you can't control him but does your DS get that being with her pretty much 247 isn't healthy?

Does your son understand what is being asked of him?

And what did he have to say about her mum's request for him not to be there all the time?

This is the thing. Mum hasn't requested that he's not there all the time. She's telling them both he's welcome all the time.

So, he has his mum saying he should consider spending less time there, but both GF and GF's mum telling him it's all good.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 05/10/2021 23:23

@RantyAunty

I can't believe people calling the girl's mum a shit stirring bitch?! Really.

OP she is trying to tell you that your DS is over their far too much and he needs to have a life besides her DD.

Is you DS working or in school? Does he have other friends to do things with?

People are saying the DD is an adult but really she just only turned 18. She has her entire life ahead of her.
School, working, travel, friends, etc.

I wouldn't want my DD tied down to someone at the age of 18.

So why out the onus on op. If mum isn’t happy then she needs to tell the ds that he can stay x times a week and no more.

Why did she tell op not to tell ds, but tell her dd that she was calling op there is certainly something there that’s a bit strange.

If she’s unhappy with the way her dds schooling is going then she needs to tell the bf to go home.

Why should the op get the son to come home, and the mum gets to wring her hands and say how welcome he is, it’s such a shame your mum wants you home.

It’s weird, if the mum is extending friendship why the need to be secretive.

HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2021 23:24

He does have other friends which he sees with her. He also sees her friends with her

There is a problem here. I can see that you don’t appreciate the problem being dumped in your lap, but at least she’s noticed there’s a problem.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 23:28

FWIW, I don't think it's DS pushing the everyday contact, I think that comes from GF. Quite often he doesn't have plans to see her and he'll get a message almost summonsing him. Obviously I don't see these messages but that's how it seems I do worry thay he no longer knows his own mind and that he's at her beck and call, but again I can't stop that, he has to find his own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 23:30

@HeddaGarbled

He does have other friends which he sees with her. He also sees her friends with her

There is a problem here. I can see that you don’t appreciate the problem being dumped in your lap, but at least she’s noticed there’s a problem.

I can see there may be a problem, I just don't think his mum trying to intervene is going to help. If anything it will make it worse.

My sister had a BF our parents disapproved of and I know for a fact they would have broken up much sooner if it weren't for the fact DSis needed to prove parents wrong.

OP posts:
RumblyMumbly · 05/10/2021 23:47

No-one is suggesting they split up but its sensible & healthy to have breathing space in a relationship & it's good for them both to realise this. Their friends are probably getting pissed off with the GF/BF tagging along all the time too!

RantyAunty · 05/10/2021 23:51

Is your son currently working or in school?

Nondescriptname · 05/10/2021 23:57

GF's mum sounds like the sort of annoying person who is stunningly polite while actually hoping to convey the exact opposite of what they're saying.

I'd ignore the whole situation.
If the mum says anything to you again, tell her there's no need to worry about you and if she has any concerns about her daughter's relationship with your son, she needs to tell them about it, not you.