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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
Siepie · 05/10/2021 14:34

I met my now-wife when I was 20. I would have been seriously upset with my mum if she’d started having secret conversations with my MIL about us.

That said, this is possibly where their ages are relevant. There’s nothing wrong with the age gap, but I’d think it less weird for a 17 year old’s parents to be invested in their relationship than a 20 year old’s parents.

I’d meet or phone her, but tell her you don’t feel comfortable keeping it a secret from your DS.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/10/2021 14:56

Maybe the ds doesn't know or maybe he does but doesn't want to tell his mum but the gf mum thinks she needs to know?

In secret? Nope. How much damage would it do if the OP heard GF was pregnant at a meeting DS doesn't even know about, instead of hearing it directly from DS? I can understand "tell your family or I will" but that doesn't explain the secrecy.

I’d think it less weird for a 17 year old’s parents to be invested

18 year old, the girl is not underage. There is "being invested" and then there is "overstepping boundaries".

bedroomnc · 05/10/2021 15:39

How strange. Do update!

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Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 17:45

Well that was the strangest thing.

They love him, they're delighted to have him at their house whenever the couple want, they have a summer house they can use for privacy, they were grateful he stayed with her when they were away this weekend, but am I sure I don't miss him when he's there so much? Which I took to mean she was trying to tell me they'd like to see less of him, but she insists that's not the case they're only worried about me....

I've told her I will tell him we've had the conversation and she said she'd already told GF she was going to call despite asking me not to tell them Confused

They're also concerned that GF's father is taking too much of a fatherly role for DS (DH died this year, just after they met). Which I admit did bother me a bit to begin with, but now I think if DS needs help (eg with his car) and there's someone who wants to help, that's good.

Anyway I've told her that DS is always keen to please so just tell him if they want him to spend less time there, but she insisted that's not the case. I've also said they're welcome here.

I do miss him when he's not here but I was very clear when DH died that neither of my sons should see it as their duty to look after me or make life choices that mean they stay close to home, that's not their role.

She did mention she's told GF she expects her to spend Christmas with them, but I decided to deal with that when it happens, I've no idea what well do for Christmas this year.

So all in, I suspect she'll be an annoying MIL but it's all based in kindness Grin

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 05/10/2021 17:57

Awwww, sounds like the sort of vaguely batty but ultimately kind thing my mum would do. 😆
Sounds like she's built up a bit of a picture of you the Abandoned Widow in her mind, and in the absence of all the brilliant balanced rounded outlook you (admirably) express here she thought she'd better check in and make sure you didn't need things to be changed around some. Which is kind of sweet if risking accidentally patronising you. Luckily you are taking it in the spirit of her motives, even though she's gone about things in a bit of a dotty way. Grin

Comedycook · 05/10/2021 18:00

Oh I think you posted before ages ago...I recognize your back story. Ah well, she sounds like her hearts in the right place

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 18:00

I said I'd tell DS but I actually have no idea what the message is Grin

OP posts:
SueSaid · 05/10/2021 18:18

@AndOtherStories

I said I'd tell DS but I actually have no idea what the message is Grin
Well the message is you met up with his gf's mum for some utterly bizarre reason to discuss your adults dc's relationship, without telling him you were going to.

So be prepared for him to say wtaf.

SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 18:23

I said I'd tell DS but I actually have no idea what the message is

I think it was to warn you that you’re not ‘getting them’ for Xmas. 🙄 What a control freak.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 18:30

I think her heart is in the right place.
I definitely think it is a thinly (or thickly?!) Veiled "he's spending too much time here" type thing though.

Did she mean she expects her daughter be alone at Xmas with just their family? I.e. your son is not to go at Xmas?

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 18:31

@SuperstarDog I don't know if it's about "them" both at Xmas but definitely the girl.
She did mention she's told GF she expects her to spend Christmas

Fenelladepompom · 05/10/2021 18:38

I predict fun times ahead with her OP. Good luck.

SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 18:38

I don't know if it's about "them" both at Xmas but definitely the girl.

But it sounds like where she is, he is so....😬 I’d just leave them all to it and not get involved. I think most 20 year olds would find it a bit suffocating to be around the in-laws so much and them being so involved.

WandaVision2 · 05/10/2021 18:39

She very politely and kindly trying to tell you that your ds is spending too much time there

Evesgarden · 05/10/2021 18:43

She is going to be a fucking nightmare OP.

The faux concern about you missing him as he is at her house so much..(poor little you)

'Dont tell him' - but then tells her DD about the clandestine meet up that was supposed to be a secret but wasn't. I would actually be really bemused at that.

Also she was setting out her stall for Christmas - she is a dick OP dont be fooled.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 18:45

@WandaVision2

She very politely and kindly trying to tell you that your ds is spending too much time there
Yes, I realise this but all the time she's telling her DD and DS it's all good, what I say isn't going to change anything. I'll just be the old bat spoiling their fun while she gets to be cool mum. I'm not playing that game.
OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2021 18:49

She very politely and kindly trying to tell you that your ds is spending too much time there

Yep, and that he may be expecting too much of his girlfriend’s dad.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 18:50

Yeh I think that's the right thing. Just don't say anything.

I imagine your ds will want to stay with you for Xmas anyway. Though I do remember having xmases with my exes families and I really regret that now.

Are you going to say to your son you had a conversation?

SarahBop · 05/10/2021 18:52

Honestly, from you latest update, it seems she is actually checking that YOU'RE OKAY.
Given the loss of your DH and her concerns about your Sons FIL stepping into father figure mode, I'd actually say it's really considerate of her to have checked in that you're happy they're not treading on your toes.

I wouldn't even mention it to your DS to be honest and if anything comes up, you could just casually say MIL wanted to check you were okay with him spending time away from home when you're grieving hard.

Regarding Christmas, I really hope you have your boys around you and any other family you hope for. Take care Flowers

Imatwinmum · 05/10/2021 18:53

If your Dh died less than a year ago, I don’t find it weird that she called I think it sounds like a kind thing to do.

Obviously I could be wrong but maybe she is genuinely concerned that you’re by yourself and struggling without DH there.

Imatwinmum · 05/10/2021 18:55

*without DS there.

Really sorry for your loss OP, it sounds like you’re being a great MiL btw.

Flowers
Comedycook · 05/10/2021 18:57

@HeddaGarbled

She very politely and kindly trying to tell you that your ds is spending too much time there

Yep, and that he may be expecting too much of his girlfriend’s dad.

I wonder if she's concerned about what will happen if they break up seeing as her husband has become a fatherly figure to your ds
JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 18:59

Could be extra kind. It's true.

I'm sure you'll find out soon enough the true intentions!

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:06

So, as it happens, they've both just been here on their way somewhere else and I told them both that mum was very nice about it, but I think she's saying DS spends too much time there and that GF needs a night off from DS once in a while (she did say that exactly)

GF's response was that her mum really doesn't mind. She's sure of that.

DS's response to the night off thing was "she only has to ask" and GF insists that's not what she wants at all. It might well be what her mum wants for her and I get that but....

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 19:08

I'm not going to worry about Christmas. DH and I always said, as parents of boys, we we're going to cause trouble over Christmas like MIL did

OP posts: