DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

[AndOtherStories]

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

I personally think if it’s the case that she really thinks he’s there too much that you should leave alone until she’s man enough to have the conversation herself.

Not fair leaving the recently widowed mother in law to be the bad guy!

@UnitedRoad

I think you have a million people commenting who don’t have older teens/early 20s children.

You’ve done exactly what I would have done. I have a 20 year old daughter and if she was in your sons position I’d be encouraging a night a week with just her mates, or at home, but not expecting it. I remember my first ‘proper’ love. Nothing else existed for us really. It’s wonderful, but it rarely lasts.

Carry on doing what you’re doing. You’re doing great.

This is also spot on.

I've read all OP posts but not all the comments. I've seen a lot of them suggesting that GF's mum is politely trying to ask OP to get her son to spend less time over there. That is not my take so I thought I'd chip in.

I get the impression GF's mum is still at that stage of wanting to sculpt her child's relationship and feel she has a role/control. She perhaps is just in the mindset of forming a relationship with the mother of her child's BF in order to keep tabs/gain emotional intel/generally network. So this behaviour comes from her personality needs. That would chime in with the GF "summonsing" the son and being a bit more demanding of his time than OP would like. There is a pattern of emotional control in the family if that is so. It may be unimportant, it may be toxic, OP can't know yet.
In her shoes I would stop liaising with my son or feeling responsible for any of them, and watch carefully as to what GF's mum does next to reach out. I am certain she will later, perhaps even requiring secrecy once again. That is the point at which OP will be able to see whether this is an unpleasant pattern or whether she actually is happy with continuing to be "friends" with this woman.

One of my brothers had a g/f at 17. She was 16 and only the second g/f he'd had and that first girl was only within a group setting.
She was an only child of strict Catholic parents. He was working for a haulage firm and she worked as back office for another company.
She became pregnant. Her parents met my mum (dad died year before) and weren't happy
Suffice to say they married, he changed jobs as company he worked for wouldn't raise his wages, they are still married, 58 years and four children later. Brother has retired after 38years with the job he changed to and now has his own company.
They are very happy.

I have 3 sons, youngest is 21- I have (due to circumstances) had varying degrees of ‘say’,attitude and concern in many of their relationships and as I’ve grown older and more worn down by it - this is what I’ve come to realise, you allow what the rules in your home are (some parents allow sleepovers in same bed etc - I did albeit reluctantly starting with the eldest) and just let them be - they will find their own ways and if you try and become a part of what is a 2 person relationship you end up playing part in the relationship and that’s not healthy.

Leave them be let them get on with it and just give them chance to become responsible adults.

Hmm. She's giving you the bullets for you to fire. And so far you are doing her work for her. She is deliberately painting herself to her DD and your ds as the welcoming one, while asking you to be the voice of caution/bearer of bad news. She wants you to tell ds to back off, which is what she wants but is unwilling to risk fallout with her daughter. But it's okay for you to risk fallout with your son or come across as interfering.
If she really cared about how you were doing she would not have made that cruel barb about your ds leaning on her husband too much and she would be actively encouraging them both to spend Christmas with you. But she isn't willing to give up what she wants, which is her DD at Christmas, preferably without your son.
She wants you to do her dirty work.

I used to have a flatmate who everyone thought was lovely, but it's only when I looked back that I saw how she did only what was good for her and quite often at other people's expense, but it was do wrapped up in her lovely manner that it was difficult to see the manipulation.

A quick text back to say - sure, call me when youre free tmrw and we can arrange. That way you get her over the phone to work out where you'd like this to go and make your decision.

@FrozenoutofCostco

Getting/having the hump is a common British term for being grumpy/annoyed. Its only relationship to camels being that camels are notoriously grumpy.

I reckon mnet should automatically ban people for 24 hours if they comment on a thread based purely on the OP and without reading the updates

@Aderyn21

Hmm. She's giving you the bullets for you to fire. And so far you are doing her work for her. She is deliberately painting herself to her DD and your ds as the welcoming one, while asking you to be the voice of caution/bearer of bad news. She wants you to tell ds to back off, which is what she wants but is unwilling to risk fallout with her daughter. But it's okay for you to risk fallout with your son or come across as interfering. If she really cared about how you were doing she would not have made that cruel barb about your ds leaning on her husband too much and she would be actively encouraging them both to spend Christmas with you. But she isn't willing to give up what she wants, which is her DD at Christmas, preferably without your son. She wants you to do her dirty work.

I used to have a flatmate who everyone thought was lovely, but it's only when I looked back that I saw how she did only what was good for her and quite often at other people's expense, but it was do wrapped up in her lovely manner that it was difficult to see the manipulation.

This is so perceptive.

To me this doesn’t sound like she has a problem with him being there but that she is maybe overly thinking on your situation and projecting how she would feel. I think she is concerned that you him spending so much time at theirs and her accommodating she may be making things harder for you given your recent loss. I do think this is all coming from a nice place and maybe the way forward is to get them both to yours one night a week for dinner so you set up a regular night of quality time with them. This could well last in the event your son moves out or marries in future. The fact she is concerned about her husband taking more of a role also speaks to this projection. You both sound nice although maybe communication is tricky.

Why is it a dead end relationship?
Why is DS "chipping away at her ambition"? So far as I can tell he's excited for her. He has ambitions too. DD doesn't have any plans for Uni.
What would you expect to happen after you'd "thrown cold water" on the relationship?

Your DS isn't the boy the GF's parents want for her at this point of her life, with the end of secondary education on the horizon. Her parents do not want her to make significant life choices - job, university, to move away from home and if so where to and for what purpose - based on the relationship.

The GF's mother has noted, as you have, how serious this relationship has become and how quickly.
She has noted, as you have, that he spends much more time at her house than at home with you.
She has noted that DS's father died around the start of the relationship and she is very likely concerned that DS is leaning on her for support or using her to distract from grief.

She presumably knows her daughter well, and you don't. She has very likely seen a change in her since the relationship began, and she is concerned.

She wants to apply the brakes without having a big confrontation with her over the intensity, the frequency of visits, the sleeping over, which would drive a wedge between her daughter and herself.

She wants you to know that this relationship is too intense and moving forward at too fast a pace, and she wants her daughter out of it.

I would want my daughter out of it too, tbh.
Too much intensity too soon is rightly seen as a big red flag.

I would keep on talking to my DD about her future, her plans, what she feels life holds for her and how she's going to get it.

If I had any whiff of the words 'we' or 'us' replacing the words 'I' or 'me' I would be getting my bucket of cold water and a little spray bottle ready, and I would be planning the demise of the relationship.

@AndOtherStories I think you have and are, handling things very well (despite some on comments from some on the thread). You are using a light touch which, IMV is always the best way.

I’m sorry to read that you have lost your husband. I hope you have the support you need.

Well when I was 18 and boyfriend same age his parents asked to meet my parents whilst he and I were on a trip overseas together. His mum was trying to plan our wedding!!! I kid you not. My parents laughed!! 🙈🙈🙈

If I had any whiff of the words 'we' or 'us' replacing the words 'I' or 'me' I would be getting my bucket of cold water and a little spray bottle ready, and I would be planning the demise of the relationship.

This is the bit I don't get. How do you go about "planning the demise" of any relationship that's important to your adult child without pushing them closer together and destroying your own relationship?

I understand there are reasons to be concerned, I don't see what my intervention would achieve.

Its strange actually becuase I was only 19 when I met DH and we were happy (mostly!) for more than 30 years. I still think it's too young for thisnintense relationship tough, but I know enough to know that my interference isn't going to help anyone.

@mathanxiety

Why is it a dead end relationship? Why is DS "chipping away at her ambition"? So far as I can tell he's excited for her. He has ambitions too. DD doesn't have any plans for Uni. What would you expect to happen after you'd "thrown cold water" on the relationship?

Your DS isn't the boy the GF's parents want for her at this point of her life, with the end of secondary education on the horizon. Her parents do not want her to make significant life choices - job, university, to move away from home and if so where to and for what purpose - based on the relationship.

The GF's mother has noted, as you have, how serious this relationship has become and how quickly.
She has noted, as you have, that he spends much more time at her house than at home with you.
She has noted that DS's father died around the start of the relationship and she is very likely concerned that DS is leaning on her for support or using her to distract from grief.

She presumably knows her daughter well, and you don't. She has very likely seen a change in her since the relationship began, and she is concerned.

She wants to apply the brakes without having a big confrontation with her over the intensity, the frequency of visits, the sleeping over, which would drive a wedge between her daughter and herself.

She wants you to know that this relationship is too intense and moving forward at too fast a pace, and she wants her daughter out of it.

I would want my daughter out of it too, tbh.
Too much intensity too soon is rightly seen as a big red flag.

I would keep on talking to my DD about her future, her plans, what she feels life holds for her and how she's going to get it.

If I had any whiff of the words 'we' or 'us' replacing the words 'I' or 'me' I would be getting my bucket of cold water and a little spray bottle ready, and I would be planning the demise of the relationship.

This is a massive reach. She didn’t say, or even imply, any of this. If she does think it, she needs to use her words and say it.

I completely agree with ADERYN21's comment.

Apologies for capitals. No bold font
on mobile.

Having read all this I’m still confused why the parents are so involved in two adults relationships.

Back off and leave them to it. If her parents want to micromanage it, let them.

@mathanxiety
It's plain that you haven't read the posts. The g/f is of 6th form age but already at college which she enjoys and OP's son is 'supporting' her choices. She has a plan for her future. It's HER plan, maybe not her parent's plan but it's not their life it's hers.

I agree with BoredZelda. Her parents seem very intense, maybe naturally so since she is a couple of years younger.

However, your son sounds lovely and supportive, a nice boyfriend. You also sound like a lovely mum too. I would leave it to the young couple to sort out where they spend their time, whilst ensuring (as you already have done) that they know they are welcome at yours. Perhaps gently encourage your son to continue to keep up with his other friendships too, again as you already are doing.

Why is everyone guessing at motives, the 'real' reason for the request, what the gf's mum is hinting at? Why not just believe what she said, that she's concerned OP might be feeling she'd like her son at home more following the death of her husband and wanted to check that OP was OK?

he's been telling her she needs to stick it out with college.

And is he supporting that by making time for her to study, with him not being there?

Also 'stick it out' doesn't sound good when she's got 3 years to go on her course.
Did DS use that actual phrase? If so, I wouldn't be surprised if she's thinking of chucking college.

Totally get this... you're sound with your thinking here. Mum of teens 😀😬

You've done absolutely the right thing

Just got to take it a day at a time.., your son n sounds lovely and just keep doing what your are doing xx

@Feedingthebirds1

Why is everyone guessing at motives, the 'real' reason for the request, what the gf's mum is hinting at? Why not just believe what she said, that she's concerned OP might be feeling she'd like her son at home more following the death of her husband and wanted to check that OP was OK?

Exactly. And if she means something else… well she’s going to have to come out and actually say it! She’s an adult, she needs to communicate like one. The OP has done her bit and spoken to her son 🤷🏻‍♀️