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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
FrozenoutofCostco · 06/10/2021 17:07

@seaandsandcastles

YABU. You need to back off and not engage.

They’re both consenting adults; stay out of their relationship.

Wow! How anti social and frankly, bloody rude!
MissMatty2hats · 06/10/2021 17:13

I can’t believe some of the posts on here! Hoping that you’re not the mother of a teenage girl! I think you’d be a fabulous mum to anybody, you sound like you’re handling this really well and have a great relationship with your son. It’s hardly your dream scenario either, your twenty year old son settling down in a serious relationship but as you’ve said what can you do about it? My son has been with his girlfriend for about six years and he’s only 23. Is it what I hoped his life would be like? No. Is he really happy and loves his life? Yes. He moved in with her family by stealth and I was quite jealous that he seemed to be the perfect son with them. The boy who grew penicillin in his room here was happy to Hoover and help with diy and became a neat freak for them. I was constantly saying that her parents would want some space and he should be there less, but they genuinely seemed delighted that he made her so happy. My mum was always telling me they were too young to be so serious, what did she expect me to do? You have to just let them find their own way and if they make mistakes you’ll be there to mop up the tears. You’re doing a great job OP, ignore the judgy posters.

FrozenoutofCostco · 06/10/2021 17:19

@AlternativePerspective

She sounds like a shit-stirring bitch.

So, she tells you she wants to have this conversation in secret but tells her DD that she’s having the conversation.

Then she drops into conversation with you that she thinks DS spends too much time there, but no she doesn’t say it directly, she implies it. And because she’s expected you to keep this secret, she probably was hoping that you would start to tell DS you want him there more, because obviously you can’t tell him that GF’s mum has had enough of him being there because it’s all a secret, y’know?

So that then leaves your DS and his GF feeling like you’re the one who is possessive and controlling because you’re starting to demand your DS home, and they don’t know the reason for that is the fact that the mother would rather he not spend so much time there.

And she will then probably feed to her DD that you’ve said you don’t see enough of DS.

Honestly? While I know this will make her the winner, given the DD still lives at home, I would encourage your DS to run a mile from this relationship. No good can come of him being in his GF’s life, IMO. Not while her mother is on the scene.

Wow you've SPECTACULARLY twisted that to fit some random hostile narrative which you've completely fabricated yourselfConfused

The woman was showing genuine concern for another mother who's just lost her husband and now doesn't see her son much either....

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Shedbuilder · 06/10/2021 17:21

And I'm not sure where you've got the idea that DS is some wastrel. He's doing a degree apprenticeship with a large multinational.

Thanks for clarifying. I wasn't implying he was some kind of wastrel but you've described him as living at home with you and working shifts and that, frankly, didn't shriek HE and career.

FrozenoutofCostco · 06/10/2021 17:27

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

I don't understand why you think it's her role to speak to her DD and to speak to your DS. You're taking a very hands-off approach. It can't and shouldn't be her responsibility to speak to everyone.

It's clear she doesn't want to upset your DS because she's aware you're all recovering from a loss but it's equally clear that she thinks your DS is there too much. From the comment about her DH, I think it also sounds as though she's worrying that your DS' relationship with him may prove a pressure on their DD.

Your DS may be 20 but if this is his first serious relationship with someone younger then you do need to help give him parameters. It's not his gf's DM's job to do that.

OP's son is a 20yr old man! At 20 I had already been a homeowner for a year and had lived alone for 4 years!
Bugbabe1970 · 06/10/2021 17:36

Just leave it there now then
She's interfering
And no you don't need to meet with the parents of your sons GF!
My son is married and I've met my the in laws a handful of times
My DD has been with her BF 4 years and I've met his parents twice
I can see this going tits up to be honest and the kids won't appreciate you talking behind their backs
It's weird!

Yogalola · 06/10/2021 17:44

Yes definitely agree to meet and discuss, it could be anything. May even be down to finances if you’re son is eating them out of house and home if he’s there a lot. Youngsters don’t seem to comprehend the cost of living, whatever the problem stay calm and talk through as caring parents.

panauchocolat · 06/10/2021 17:48

Why the fuss ?
What is so wrong about she wanting to talk to your meeting you ?
I don’t understand what is so hard about this or if is just the normal excessive “I don’t want contact with any human being” thing overly seen in the UK ?
No engage, no eye contact, each one to your own …. Confused boring !

Eddielzzard · 06/10/2021 17:50

I would ignore the whole thing. If she's got a problem she needs to address it and not go round the houses and try and get you to do it under some weird false pretence. I have a friend, well, not a friend, who does this sort of shit. Won't ever take responsibility and will try and get others to do her dirty work by dressing it up to be for their benefit. Can't stand it.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 06/10/2021 17:54

@panauchocolat

Why the fuss ? What is so wrong about she wanting to talk to your meeting you ? I don’t understand what is so hard about this or if is just the normal excessive “I don’t want contact with any human being” thing overly seen in the UK ? No engage, no eye contact, each one to your own …. Confused boring !
I never said I didn't want to meet her. I said I wasn't prepared to it secretly.
OP posts:
cherish123 · 06/10/2021 17:59

I'd give her a call and say not happy about not telling DS. Sounds as though she might have concerns.

Madamum18 · 06/10/2021 18:01

Andotherstories| I think you are trying very hard to do the best thing and to be open ...and are getting a pretty hard time from some posters which is unfair

The cause of this entire situation is GFs mother who is being disingenuous, secretive ...both of which scream "manipulative in order to avoid all responsibility and get other people to take the flack!! to me

As you have now met with her, been confused by her waffle, spoken to your DS and GF, and to DS alone I would now:

  • stop joining in the woman's guess what I am saying/thinking muddle. Ignore it. Let them all sort it out. *stick to being supportive with DS and being available. If he brings something up respond accordingly *if she contacts again, dont meet her, invite her. GF and DS over and get it all out in the open together.
LoisLane66 · 06/10/2021 18:10

I think. It's best if the OP has a f2f meeting with son, his g/f and her mother. That way the couple can call her mum out for giving mixed messages. Everything needs to be said in front of everyone as people here are assuming that mum is trying to keep in with the couple while telling the OP, directly or indirectly, that her son is spending too much time with her daughter and at her house. It all needs airing together, not he said, she said, I said.

Lolabray · 06/10/2021 18:15

Perhaps there is a reason she needs to meet you secretly.

Thighdentitycrisis · 06/10/2021 18:18

I think if someone says X , eg they don’t mind him being there, then you have to take them at their word. It’s an absolutely massive waste of time and energy trying to second guess and read in between the lines - maybe she meant Y ? Or Z?
She said X - accept it and move on
If she changes her mind later and says something different, deal that at the time. Otherwise you are creating a problem that isn’t there

mathanxiety · 06/10/2021 18:19

She doesn't want your DS and her DD to continue this frankly dead end relationship which your DS is possibly getting a lot more out of than her DD.

She has likely seen her DD wavering in her plans to travel and go to university.

She doesn't want to break them up or forbid overnight stays, and end up with some Romeo and Juliet situation, with secret meetings, etc.

But she is hinting very strongly at you that she wants cold water thrown at the relationship, in a subtle way. This won't happen if DS and the GF are involved in the discussion.

As the mother of four adult DDs myself, I would be doing the same myself if I saw any sign of a relationship beginning to chip away at a girl's ambition.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 06/10/2021 18:25

@mathanxiety

She doesn't want your DS and her DD to continue this frankly dead end relationship which your DS is possibly getting a lot more out of than her DD.

She has likely seen her DD wavering in her plans to travel and go to university.

She doesn't want to break them up or forbid overnight stays, and end up with some Romeo and Juliet situation, with secret meetings, etc.

But she is hinting very strongly at you that she wants cold water thrown at the relationship, in a subtle way. This won't happen if DS and the GF are involved in the discussion.

As the mother of four adult DDs myself, I would be doing the same myself if I saw any sign of a relationship beginning to chip away at a girl's ambition.

Why is it a dead end relationship? Why is DS "chipping away at her ambition"? So far as I can tell he's excited for her. He has ambitions too. DD doesn't have any plans for Uni. What would you expect to happen after you'd "thrown cold water" on the relationship?
OP posts:
1forAll74 · 06/10/2021 18:30

Maybe this Mother, is one of those Mothers, who has issues with lots of things regarding her daughter, the nit picking type, who has problems with things in life. I would not be meeting up with her, regarding offsprings of this age.

Hmm1234 · 06/10/2021 18:32

She’s pregnant stop avoiding the conversation

Bugbabe1970 · 06/10/2021 18:32

@Lolabray

Perhaps there is a reason she needs to meet you secretly.
Read the thread!
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 06/10/2021 18:33

@Hmm1234

She’s pregnant stop avoiding the conversation
You might like to read the thread
OP posts:
BingBongToTheMoon · 06/10/2021 18:37

The other mother sees her DD as her “best friend” and doesn’t want to upset her DD by telling your DS to back off……so she’s getting you to do it so she can claim that your jealous or whatever and her DDwill still be her “bestie” at the end if it.

That’s my view anyway.

UnitedRoad · 06/10/2021 18:41

I think you have a million people commenting who don’t have older teens/early 20s children.

You’ve done exactly what I would have done. I have a 20 year old daughter and if she was in your sons position I’d be encouraging a night a week with just her mates, or at home, but not expecting it. I remember my first ‘proper’ love. Nothing else existed for us really. It’s wonderful, but it rarely lasts.

Carry on doing what you’re doing. You’re doing great.

Justanothergirl19 · 06/10/2021 18:44

For all the talk of “these are consenting adults etc”, the two young people still live at home and so there’s bound to be feelings about how much time is spent where etc, especially if the mum feels that the relationship is too intense for her liking. In my experience, 18-20 year olds aren’t always that good at thinking “do you know what, maybe GFs parents need a night off from guests”. If they are in love, they will want to spend every second together.
What should OP do, honestly? Absolutely nothing. There is nothing to do.
GFs mum needs to be clearer with her boundaries, if that’s what she is trying to communicate.

Phoebesgift · 06/10/2021 18:45

I think the DD is pregnant too.