DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

[AndOtherStories]

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

Dancing moon light has it I'm sure.

If there was no issue the mum would not have asked to meet you... This is the crux of the whole thing.

People don't ask to meet other parents like this, that was hers motivation and she's trying to be kind.

Aderyn, agree as well

@Autumngoldleaf

Dancing moon light has it I'm sure.

If there was no issue the mum would not have asked to meet you... This is the crux of the whole thing.

People don't ask to meet other parents like this, that was hers motivation and she's trying to be kind.

She needs to learn to communicate more clearly then. Telling everyone there’s no problem when there is a problem isn’t going to get you anywhere, is it?

Omg young people love is intense!

How many people can't actually forget that blazing first love!

Op your doing the right thing, what will be will be.. You can't force them apart, you can't do anything.

The grumpy I agree.

I prefer people to to call a spade a spade myself I hate having to read between lines.

@Feedingthebirds1

Why is everyone guessing at motives, the 'real' reason for the request, what the gf's mum is hinting at? Why not just believe what she said, that she's concerned OP might be feeling she'd like her son at home more following the death of her husband and wanted to check that OP was OK?

I think it's partly down to the nature of MN. Even on Chat there's a tendency for piling on sometimes, especially when a thread gets onto the Active" list, and it would be impossible to pile on to the OP if people took the message at face value because there is nothing in the stuff the OP has given with which to criticize her. And some posters on here just can't seem to conceive of not ripping an OP to shreds or, at the very least, telling her she has to jump through 80 hoops to be a "decent" person when no one else in the scenario is expected to do anything at all.

There also seems to be a huge number of posters on MN who are physically incapable of saying what they actually mean if it contains a hint of a direct request or criticism. So many posters hide their cowardice behind claims that they are "conflict averse", or "too well mannered" and instead expect everyone else to twist themselves in knots and walk on eggshells trying to work out what they really want and then give it to them, without any opportunity to discuss or negotiate. Presumably they just assume there is a hidden message to everything.

More reasonably, I think the request for secrecy, when there was no reason for any secrecy at all for the content of the message as it was given, may also lead posters to wonder if there was another point to the meeting.

In any case, it's unreasonable to expect the OP to second guess at what the other mum "really" wanted. Taking it at face value is by far the best way to respond.

Just putting another angle out there.
Your daughter is seeing a young man, he’s recently lost his dad and spends the majority of his time at your house. Would you wonder if his mother is alright? Lonely after losing her husband?
The “MIL” may just be reaching out to see how you are and check their family aren’t stepping on toes and that you’ve got a support network after losing your DH. Hence saying your son is absolutely welcome but also worrying he might be away from you if you need him?

I was thinking the same as @some0advice0please

She sounds so lovely OP, your son is lucky to have such a lovely Mum in Law x

Yeh I think poohaloo’s right. You’re both doing your best. And it’s good to have a relationship with gfs mum. Trust her.

@Eddielzzard

I reckon mnet should automatically ban people for 24 hours if they comment on a thread based purely on the OP and without reading the updates

Amen!

I'll vote for that 😀

Teenagers can be funny about mums getting together. It will be nothing except she thinks they will disapprove...or ahe ia planning a party for her daughter? Definately mo pregnancy....of that I am certain...or I wil eat a hat!

This is the bit I don't get. How do you go about "planning the demise" of any relationship that's important to your adult child without pushing them closer together and destroying your own relationship?

You do it by hinting to the mother of the boyfriend that the relationship needs to cool off significantly.

She has done this.

Now she wants you to get your DS to pull back, give everyone some space. She isn't being unreasonable. She is trying to protect her daughter.

All that talk about your DS spending more time at her house than at yours, don't you miss him, etc - she doesn't want to see her DD getting caught up in a relationship that you have described as becoming serious very quickly.

I am a mother of 4 DDs (and one DS), all adults now, and I would have the same concerns, having been involved in a relationship that became serious far too soon (now divorced after many years of misery). I see red flags here.

................
Also, please don't let your DS use this relationship as a way to avoid dealing with grief over the loss of his dad .

...he's been telling her she needs to stick it out with college

@AndOtherStories
Why has the topic of sticking it out with college even come up?

Has she been talking about chucking it in?

@mathanxiety

This is the bit I don't get. How do you go about "planning the demise" of any relationship that's important to your adult child without pushing them closer together and destroying your own relationship?

You do it by hinting to the mother of the boyfriend that the relationship needs to cool off significantly.

She has done this.

Now she wants you to get your DS to pull back, give everyone some space. She isn't being unreasonable. She is trying to protect her daughter.

All that talk about your DS spending more time at her house than at yours, don't you miss him, etc - she doesn't want to see her DD getting caught up in a relationship that you have described as becoming serious very quickly.

I am a mother of 4 DDs (and one DS), all adults now, and I would have the same concerns, having been involved in a relationship that became serious far too soon (now divorced after many years of misery). I see red flags here.

................
Also, please don't let your DS use this relationship as a way to avoid dealing with grief over the loss of his dad .

That is a seriously lazy, cowardly and cheeky way of trying to protect her daughter. You’re saying she protects her daughter by overtly signalling to her daughter and BF that she loves the way their relationship is going and then tries to manipulate the BF’s mother into putting the boot in (and taking all the risk in terms of destroying her relationship with her son). And she does this by showing faux concern for the OP’s loss so, especially since she’s giving the exact opposite message to the two of them to their face, she can wash her hands of any responsibility down the line.

That is just plain nasty and screwed up and OP would be a fool to play along.

@mathanxiety

I'm reading your posts 😳 I can't actually believe what you are typing.

No-one on their right mind would think an appropriate way to address a relationship you have concerns about (if that's the case) would be to speak in code to the mother of (in this situation) the boyfriend, while going through other way to your own child, telling them all is fine.

You are drawing interpretations based on nothing.

If this mother has concerns, she expresses them to her own DD. She doesn't look for OP to pick up on some vague cues & take action instead. And that doesn't appear to be what she's doing anyway.

Some of your comments are really offensive (this frankly dead end relationship which your DS is possibly getting a lot more out of than her DD), face zero basis in fact & OP has shown incredible forbearance in her response.

This comment, notwithstanding your use of 💐 at the end, is a disgrace Also, please don't let your DS use this relationship as a way to avoid dealing with grief over the loss of his dad

OP I think you sound great. Level-headed & kind. You've handled this perfectly, in terms of your conversations with DS & GF. I hope you are doing ok yourself, as you grieve for your DH. 💕

face zero basis in fact

Should be have zero basis in fact

Maybe ring her up and ask what she was getting at as you weren't sure what she meant?

Are you afraid to give your son guidance?
Just because he is 20 doesn't mean he doesn't need some guidance.

@EarringsandLipstick

They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

I interpret this to mean exactly what the OP stated, and she herself isn't completely happy about it.

I'd like to know why it's necessary for the DS to keep on encouraging the GF to stick with college. Is she thinking of dropping out? There would be no need to keep on with the encouragement if the GF wasn't expressing ambivalence.

^^ The words of the OP.

And your point is what? @mathanxiety

OP isn't expressing much more than ambivalence about the seriousness of the relationship.

She's spoken to the couple. The girl's mum gas said to her own DD that she's ok with the relationship. Why does OP need to do more?

Why is it anything to do with DS if the girl is expressing ambivalence about her course? He's encouraging her to stay - how is it his fault?

Your posts make little sense but also, are inventing a narrative & being offensive to OP.

I think I agree with Aderyn.

The mum has told her DD that she's happy with the situation because they DO have a lot of fallings out, and she doesn't want another one, or to risk pushing her further into your DS's arms.

She's told YOU that she thinks your DS should spend less time at their home - now either my first thought (that she was concerned for you) is her motivation, OR Aderyn is correct, that she's manipulating the situation so that YOU become the one to "call time" on the intensity of teh relationhip, and effectively be the "bad guy".

Hard to tell at this stage - but if you do nothing and let it be known that you, too, are completely fine with how things are panning out, then she will know that you are not going to do any dirty work for her (if that's her endgame), and she will have to think of a new plan.

Maybe it’s all things.

Maybe she is concerned for op.
Maybe she does want there to be a bit more space for her daughter.
Maybe she just doesn’t want the son at her house so much?

As an introvert I would hate someone around all the time. I think to jump to a conclusion that this is some manipulative plan is very strange. (Not you OP, other posters).

In an ideal world one would only have to deal with offspring's partners' parents at the wedding itself (and any subsequent christenings and, eventually, weddings of grandchildren).

@AndOtherStories you sound like a fantastic mum: considerate, respectful but still nurturing. Trust your own instincts as you seem really insightful.

I seem to have interpreted the conversation very differently to most, I think she's a bit interfering but kind and worried about you because you are on your own. Some people can't help themselves, I'm a bit the same!