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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
Miliao · 05/10/2021 23:57

I think she just means that she’s happy with him spending time at their house, but is worried that you might be upset about it. That’s why she wanted to speak in private and didn’t want to involve the children. I think it’s coming from a place of kindness. If you’re not bothered, I don’t think she’s bothered, she was just checking in to see you're ok. If you are ok, then I wouldn’t worry about it!

spotcheck · 06/10/2021 00:00

I reckon they are showing you pity/ concern.

I don't read it as they want him there less.

Pallisers · 06/10/2021 00:05

My sister had a BF our parents disapproved of and I know for a fact they would have broken up much sooner if it weren't for the fact DSis needed to prove parents wrong.

Yes. My sister had a similar boyfriend and my parents were utterly welcoming. And I'm only guessing they disapproved as they would never have said anything to any of us. it ended quite quickly.

I have children late teens/early 20s. No way would I get involved strategising with the mother of the boyfriend/girlfriend to sort out their relationship. And NO way would I meet her promising not to tell my son.

if she has a problem with how often her daughter is seeing your son (and I probably would too), then she needs to address that with her dd. Expecting you to fix it is pointless.

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Families
Dancingonmoonlight · 06/10/2021 00:14

The GF's mum is trying to tell you that your DS is spending far too much time there. She doesn't want him there at Christmas either. She is giving very mixed messages because she is trying to say it kindly.

I would think she HAS had this conversation with her daughter but its falling on deaf ears. People tend to hear what they want to hear.

To avoid falling out with anyone, she is trying to enlist your help and hopes that by her talking to her daughter and you talking to your son, that it will sink in that everyone needs some breathing space.
She is at pains to point out that this hasn't anything to do with your son's personality and she likes him but she doesn't want him at her house all the time and doesn't want him spending so much of his time with her daughter either.

You don't want to fall out with your son by saying any of the above but she doesn't want to fall out with her daughter either. She wants to split the load. Thats fair enough surely?
The woman obviously wants to say this to your DS and her daughter but indirectly so nobody falls out with anybody. She's asking for your help here but you're too concerned with not appearing like the bad cop which you don't have to be. She just wants you to try and get through to your DS as she has obviously failed to get through to her DD.

MuthaFunka61 · 06/10/2021 00:19

TBH,I think the waters are becoming very muddy.

It sounds like GF's DM is aware you've lost your husband recently and that your son is now busy with GF and she was simply offering you friendship, some time to talk and support if needed.

Maybe consider if this has a sense of what the meet up was about?
I'd certainly not over think it as it'd be unusual to ask to meet up to talk about a problem and then not raise or discuss it

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2021 03:17

I read your re-telling of the conversation as GF's mum being concerned that they're taking your DS away from you too much. She sounds like a really lovely person who knows that you've lost your DH and is worrying that he's absorbing himself into their family too much, and leaving you on your own too much.

I could be a bit "rosy glasses" about it, but that was my first take on her situation, especially as she kept saying that she didn't want him to be there less.

However, there is the possibility that she also doesn't want her DD or your DS to be so overly involved with each other that they spend all their time together, instead of seeing their friends separately from each other.

I think that, while your DS can make his own mind up, it might be good to say that you would like to have at least one evening a week with him to catch up on his life and how he's doing - I don't think that would be a bad compromise!

ladycardamom · 06/10/2021 07:02

Maybe just take what she said at face value. I think she is being kind and checking in on you after you lost your husband. Trying to second guess and read between the lines is a recipe for miscommunication. It's absolutely her job to enforce her rules in her house, I agree on you not playing the bad guy if that's what she is trying to do (but I don't).

SarahBellam · 06/10/2021 07:11

What a palaver over nothing. Seriously, he's a grown man. Let him manage his own business. Tell the mum to talk to him, not you, if she has a problem.

ivykaty44 · 06/10/2021 07:16

It all sounds like hard work to me

the girlfriends mothers wanting a secret chat with you and telling you not to et ds know then telling her own dc

telling her dc she expects her to be home at xmas

you've lost your dh and I take it its your first or second xmas afterward

the mother is all a bit to concerned about herself than you and your lad

take care of yourself and your ds and put your family first

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 06/10/2021 07:23

@Dancingonmoonlight

The GF's mum is trying to tell you that your DS is spending far too much time there. She doesn't want him there at Christmas either. She is giving very mixed messages because she is trying to say it kindly.

I would think she HAS had this conversation with her daughter but its falling on deaf ears. People tend to hear what they want to hear.

To avoid falling out with anyone, she is trying to enlist your help and hopes that by her talking to her daughter and you talking to your son, that it will sink in that everyone needs some breathing space.
She is at pains to point out that this hasn't anything to do with your son's personality and she likes him but she doesn't want him at her house all the time and doesn't want him spending so much of his time with her daughter either.

You don't want to fall out with your son by saying any of the above but she doesn't want to fall out with her daughter either. She wants to split the load. Thats fair enough surely?
The woman obviously wants to say this to your DS and her daughter but indirectly so nobody falls out with anybody. She's asking for your help here but you're too concerned with not appearing like the bad cop which you don't have to be. She just wants you to try and get through to your DS as she has obviously failed to get through to her DD.

I have said all of this to my son and GF. They disagree that's what mum is says because she's saying the exact opposite to them. It would be perfectly possible for her to say we like you but we don't want you here so much without upsetting him, but perhaps DD has never been told no?
OP posts:
xmash · 06/10/2021 07:25

When I was younger, this is the sort of thing I'd try: I wasn't assertive and (in honest retrospect) was quite manipulative, martyr-like or passive-aggressive to try and get my own way. I learned this from my mum, who I am sure learned it from hers and so on.

These patterns of communication get handed down, and it doesn't mean the people who do them are evil or bitches or whatever, it just means they don't know how to directly confront issues and skirt around them.

So my only concern for you OP would be that this is an ongoing pattern in future from your son's girlfriend too, which will impact him. Not that there's a thing you can do about it of course!

In terms of dealing with her, whatever her motives, I find that being politely direct and unequivocal is the best way of dealing with my mum. She reacts better to it too funnily enough.

diddl · 06/10/2021 07:46

@AndOtherStories

FWIW, I don't think it's DS pushing the everyday contact, I think that comes from GF. Quite often he doesn't have plans to see her and he'll get a message almost summonsing him. Obviously I don't see these messages but that's how it seems I do worry thay he no longer knows his own mind and that he's at her beck and call, but again I can't stop that, he has to find his own way.
Perhaps he needs to not go every time?

Do their still see their own friends without each other?

Polkadots2021 · 06/10/2021 07:56

@Nannyamc

Had a bit of this when ds and girlfriend were 18 shortly after meeting. Mum tried to tell me she was not a nice girl and started to tell me a few home truths about her daughter. Told her to leave as the girl i knew was nowhere near what she was saying. 20 yrs later they are very happy together married with 2 children and i really get on with her. At the weekend there was a party for dgs and she started on it all again. Did not respond. She is a wonderful wife and mother and my son is very happy.I could never tell them this.
Can I just say you are a wonderful person. I'm familiar with how this feels and I know having a nice person in the family who sees through the nastiness is priceless. Thanks for being awesome.
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 06/10/2021 08:04

Perhaps he needs to not go every time?

Yes, but he's young and inexperienced, smitten with the girl and wants to do everything she asks of him. Me telling him otherwise isn't going to stop it.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 06/10/2021 08:13

So he sees her every day. Either just the two of them. Or with her friends. Or with his friends

Yes a day or two without seeing each other a week could be good

Thinking back when met my first husband I was 18

We saw each other mon wed fri/weekend

Had tue Thur off. Seeing friends. At home etx

TheGrumpyGoat · 06/10/2021 08:56

So the GF’s mother has told the OP that she doesn’t want him there less, she’s told the GF that she’s happy for him to he there, and has told the OP’s son that she’s happy to have him there, but loads on here are insisting that she is lying to all of them and the OP needs to be responsible for making her adult son spend less time there?
If the GF’s mother has an issue, she needs to use her words (as I say to my 2 year old). And she needs to speak to her adult daughter and her adult boyfriend about it.
However to me it sounds like the mother was just a bit concerned that the OP is lonely/upset about the time her son spends with their family, knowing the circumstances about the OP’s husband, and wanted to check she was ok.
OP I don’t think you have any responsibilities to make sure your son spends less time there. You’ve had a chat, everyone has insisted it’s not a problem. What else can you do?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/10/2021 09:32

She seems to be saying different things to different people. So the only way to handle this from now on is (a) to back out of your involvement in the whole scenario and leave your son and his girlfriend to decide how often they want to meet up and where. As his mother you can advise your son about what's best for himself and what works foir your family but otherwise if the youngsters want your advice they can ask for it themselves And (b) from now on keep all communication between you and GF's mother polite, surface and in front of the children. If she has anything to say to you then she says it to them too. No more trying to use you as a backchannel to the children, no more secrecy and no more mixed messages.

Nondescriptname · 06/10/2021 09:51

From Dancingonmoonlight :
The GF's mum is trying to tell you that your DS is spending far too much time there. She doesn't want him there at Christmas either. She is giving very mixed messages because she is trying to say it kindly.
And a whole lot more of convoluted strangeness.

It's far too difficult to try to divine the mum's message like this so just disregard.
If she raises it again, tell her you're okay and if she has any issue with DS & GF she needs to tell them what it is.

Dancingonmoonlight · 06/10/2021 10:19

Nondescriptname You’re right.

There is a big chance this is her daughter’s first proper relationship. The mum is probably trying to find her feet too.

I wouldn’t be happy if my daughter was spending a lot of time with her older boyfriend tbh. I’d prefer that time divided with her friends and college.

TheGrumpyGoat · 06/10/2021 10:20

@Dancingonmoonlight

Nondescriptname You’re right.

There is a big chance this is her daughter’s first proper relationship. The mum is probably trying to find her feet too.

I wouldn’t be happy if my daughter was spending a lot of time with her older boyfriend tbh. I’d prefer that time divided with her friends and college.

Well if that’s her issue she needs to actually tell someone, rather than telling every party involved that it’s fine and expecting them to read between the lines. Preferably, the person she needs to tell is her daughter.
SparkyBlue · 06/10/2021 10:52

OP I had gone on one date with now DH when his dad died. I know my parents were always concerned about mil and how she was . I'd say this is a similar type of thing.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/10/2021 11:13

know my parents were always concerned about mil and how she was . I'd say this is a similar type of thing.

Except that this mother's practical "concern" consists of telling the widow that she expects her DD to spend Christmas with her, and the widow and her son can like it or lump it. Crocodile tears.

Shedbuilder · 06/10/2021 12:23

A couple of huge drip-feeds, OP: first that your son isn't spending most of his time there because he's on shifts and that's why you rarely see him (not because he's practically living with the GF) and secondly about your husband's death — for which condolences. I imagine it must have been tough seeing him move straight from bereavement into this relationship.

I know after my dad died while I was young I sometimes found it easier to talk about it and my feelings about it to people outside the family. Sounds to me as if the GF's DM is actually quite sensitive to the fact that you are fairly newly widowed and your son is still grieving and has, in her own roundabout way, been trying to express that and has been anticipating potential issues around Christmas. It's a pity she isn't able to communicate as directly as you are, but I suspect many of us in her position would want to take a softly-softly approach. Not everyone can take straight-talking clarity.

For those saying just 18 and 20 are adults, there's lots of evidence that the brain doesn't fully mature until as late as 25.Many of did thoughtless things that felt absolutely right when we were 18 and 20. Some of us had concerned adults who at least tried to intervene and looking back I'm grateful that they did.

Evesgarden · 06/10/2021 12:43

OP, I wouldn't tie yourself up in knots about what she said. I wouldn't trust her far as I could throw her though.

She may have told her dd she is wants her there at xmas but its up to her dd where she wants to go. She maybe assuming that your ds will spend it with you because his dad has died and she is getting in their first with her expectations of where her dd will be.

But who knows what she means as she is saying different things to different people - and that causes trouble whilst she glides above it all.

I would drop it with mentioning it to your ds.

SueSaid · 06/10/2021 12:48

'For those saying just 18 and 20 are adults, there's lots of evidence that the brain doesn't fully mature until as late as 25.Many of did thoughtless things that felt absolutely right when we were 18 and 20. Some of us had concerned adults who at least tried to intervene and looking back I'm grateful that they did.'

Oh of course, I'm all for being concerned and offering advice and support. My point about them being adults was it isn't up to parents to meet up or discuss them secretly without their knowledge and consent at that age.