Polite ideas for ways to get out of this hen weekend please?

[helpmewithdrawgracefully]

A work colleague is getting married next winter and has invited me to her hen weekend in a big city a couple of miles from here.

I expressed an interest as it was nice to be invited, I like her and it's a city I've not visited before.

I didn't expect it to be too expensive as I (clearly naively) assumed traditional hen weekends might have died out post covid, plus she's early 60 and it's her second marriage.

She's been asking for deposits here and there, hotel money etc.

But she's now sent a spreadsheet round and expects: us all to take a day's annual leave. I have small children and annual leave is really precious to us as DH and I share it so we can both manage childcare in holidays but I think we can just about manage this part.

It's going to be 3 x evening meals, ok I understand that we're going to be eating out. But she's now booked a cocktail making class, an expensive nightclub and an afternoon tea.

She's now messaged to say that she wants us all to purchase (at our expense, not hers) matching t shirts.

I don't want to go.

I'm not asking in AIBU because I know I don't want to go and I'm not going to waste time and money doing stuff I hate.

But I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I realise I've been naive to assume that this might be a nice little mini break as it's clearly something I would never have signed up to in the first place if I've realised. But I think it would be hurtful to sat that. Any suggestions (p.s she's already had £150 off me in deposits).

Sorry HUGE error in the OP. The weekend is a couple HOURS from me. So 3 x nights in a hotel required.

Sorry, and not to dripfeed but my concern has really grown with the way the T shirts were brought up. There was no "please don't feel any pressure to do this but if anyone would like one I've seen these T shirts that look fun".

Its literally "We need these for the nightclub".

She's quite controlling at work and I am just picturing her marching her around this city dictating that we fork out (what in my case is family) money on stuff that she has decided we need.

Just tell her "I'm so embarrassed but your hen celebrations are way out of my budget. I realise it was me who asked to come along in the first place but I won't be able to join you. Really sorry, blah blah blah, (and can I have my deposits back please."

Job done.

How close are you with her?

Personally I'd just say - I'm so sorry but I'm not going to be able to make it anymore. Put my deposit money down for some drinks on me.

No need to give a specific reason

Decline and offer to buy her dinner one night either just before or after the wedding so she can just have a pleasant evening chatting about her wedding.

"Sorry I cant afford it and I dont want to take AL for xxxx reason"

Ive said that before and its always worked. It IS a bit awks but it makes the bride realise they're being a bit unreasonable with the requests, and they tend not try harder to invite you.

FYI you need to be prepared not to be invited to the wedding because some brides take it a bit personally.

Can you get the deposits back? Hard as it is, I think you need to say that it's unaffordable to you and you're going to struggle for childcare and you can't use any of your annual leave on it. If it's a couple of hours away and you want to show your face, can't you just go for one night?

‘Thanks again for the invitation, unfortunately I’m no longer able to make it. I hope you have a wonderful time and look forward to hearing all about it’

No explanation needed. Will you lose your deposit? Maybe just write it off as a loss. If she persists you can say you’re not able to take annual leave that day or something or just be honest and say it’s more than you budgeted for. Not really much she can do about it!

Good suggestions, thank you!

I have actually already mooted the one night thing and she said it's not the same and also the only night I could go and it not have an impact on childcare is the one involving the t shirts, the nightclub and one of the dinners so it will still cost me a lot.

I hadn't thought of her disinviting me but I work with the groom also and we get along really well too so that will be awkward!

Shit, I keep thinking maybe just suck it up and go.

Thank you, I think I will lose deposit, or most of it, but I'm thinking along sunk costs lines here and forking out another (probably) £300 on a weekend that isn't my thing doesn't seem to make sense.

"Its more than I budgeted for" is perfect! Another reason I was worried about talking money is because her DH knows how much I earn and it's a decent amount. But that doesn't mean I want to spend money on this.

I would personally avoid what @ChippyTea16 has said, although it is polite it does sound like you have potentially just gone off the idea or (worse still) sacked her off in favour of a better offer.

I think it’s better to be honest and say something like “I’m so sorry but DH and I have been going through our outgoings for next year and I’m just not going to be able to afford the hen do. I’m really sorry to let you down I was so looking forward to it”

If you know the date you could say your leave request was refused (as long as you don’t think she’d reschedule).

@MovingSchmoving

I would personally avoid what *@ChippyTea16* has said, although it is polite it does sound like you have potentially just gone off the idea or (worse still) sacked her off in favour of a better offer.

I think it’s better to be honest and say something like “I’m so sorry but DH and I have been going through our outgoings for next year and I’m just not going to be able to afford the hen do. I’m really sorry to let you down I was so looking forward to it”

Thank you, that's really helpful.

This probably sounds really silly but one of the issues with it for me is that I have ADHD and part of it (for me) involves making it very hard to picture and plan for the future, anything that is not immediate feels very far away to me (like the cows in father ted).

So I said oh yes, lovely, thinking well over a year away and the next minute I've been bombarded with requests for money and it's all really overwhelmed me.

Some really good ideas on here already, not sure I can better them, but I wouldn't be inviting her out for a meal seperately if I was losing £150 on deposits though.

So if I pull out for financial reasons is it ok to do it now? Or wait until closer to the time and say something unexpected has come up?

Yes definitely tell her now. You don't want it hanging over you a minute longer

I think generally it's better to be honest. If nothing else, saves you from having to remember exactly what you said and never to accidentally contradict something you claimed earlier. And personally, I'd rather someone told me the truth, even if I found that a bit upsetting, rather than find out later that they were lying to me.

So say that, unfortunately, it is turning out to be much more expensive than anticipated and you can't really afford it. Thanks for the invite, and hope she has a lovely time.

Yes defo do it sooner rather than later. If anything to let her plan correctly.

Agree, better to tell her sooner rather than later. Maybe she could invite someone else in your place? In any case, you can stop worrying about it all.

Do it as soon as possible otherwise you'll either need excuses not to pay for more things or you'll cave and pay with no intention of going. You're more likely to be able to recover some of your money with more notice or she may find someone else to take your place.

Prepare yourself for her asking you to come along for one night, etc so you can have responses ready.

Thank you everyone.

She's a bit stressed with life stuff(extended family bereavement and other stuff) at the moment so I won't do it right, right this instance. But that's good advice to do it sooner rather than later.

I feel embarassed having to site financial reasons when we are not badly off, but I am the only person going who has children and I just have to factor in things that others don't, e.g. yes I could find the money for this but it would mean sacrificing taking my DC away over half term which I usually try to do. And the annual leave thing, too.

But I'm being an arse about not wanting to say it and I really need to (if anything else it might make her think twice about the fact that this is other people's money as someone previously said).

The only things I had come up with so far were being ill and pretending I was on Jury Service to get out of it! Ridiculous!! I am really sensitive about being 'shamed' over things (related to my ADHD) and end up putting in these avoidant strategies when really I need to be confident about setting boundaries.

It really is best to just be honest. Don't lie because you have to elaborate on it and remember the lie. It's far better just to text and say 'I've had a look at the costs of your hen and it's a bit of a financial stretch for me so I won't be coming. I hope you have the best time though and let's do dinner another time'.

Job done.

Good for you getting out of it OP. I got manipulated into one of these things and paid little by little for different parts of the event at different times, and it wasn’t until it was all over I realised I’d spent £700! And had a crap time with people I hardly knew!

Learn from my mistake and just say no 😬

Gosh, that is horrible Sky! I get that people want to celebrate but considering it ok to spend that amount of other people's money I just find so weird.

I agree you are well within rights to say I can’t come due to money or AL- totally reasonable. I’m my experience of hen do’s some people also pull out for various reasons so it’s not uncommon at all, especially if she’s invited everyone she knows. I’ve found some huge hen dos start off with 30 people but by the time it comes around those who aren’t really close to the bride often pull out- no one minds! Don’t feel bad. If I was her, I’d want girlfriends to come in celebration of our friendship & my upcoming marriage; it doesn’t sound to me like you were going for those reasons anyway so honestly I wouldn’t feel bad about it! Agree you can say keep the £150 and have a drink on me Xox