Polite ideas for ways to get out of this hen weekend please?

[helpmewithdrawgracefully]

A work colleague is getting married next winter and has invited me to her hen weekend in a big city a couple of miles from here.

I expressed an interest as it was nice to be invited, I like her and it's a city I've not visited before.

I didn't expect it to be too expensive as I (clearly naively) assumed traditional hen weekends might have died out post covid, plus she's early 60 and it's her second marriage.

She's been asking for deposits here and there, hotel money etc.

But she's now sent a spreadsheet round and expects: us all to take a day's annual leave. I have small children and annual leave is really precious to us as DH and I share it so we can both manage childcare in holidays but I think we can just about manage this part.

It's going to be 3 x evening meals, ok I understand that we're going to be eating out. But she's now booked a cocktail making class, an expensive nightclub and an afternoon tea.

She's now messaged to say that she wants us all to purchase (at our expense, not hers) matching t shirts.

I don't want to go.

I'm not asking in AIBU because I know I don't want to go and I'm not going to waste time and money doing stuff I hate.

But I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I realise I've been naive to assume that this might be a nice little mini break as it's clearly something I would never have signed up to in the first place if I've realised. But I think it would be hurtful to sat that. Any suggestions (p.s she's already had £150 off me in deposits).

@GU24Mum

Personally I'd be a bit vaguer about the reasons, make sure she can't take it as a criticism of her plans, be upbeat but crystal clear:

"Sorry X, the hen weekend plans sound great and I'm sure it will be a fun weekend but we just can't make the logistics work for us so I'm going to have to say I can't come."

I like this. "Logistics" is vague enough to cover everything.

@PersonaNonGarter

OP, I think you need to be clearer about the deposit - are you asking for it back?

Personally, I wouldn’t. That’s kind of the point of the deposit - and no one made you pay it. Much better to look at it the way you already were, as sunk costs. In that case, just leap to the conclusion that you won’t be getting it back and say something charming as pp suggested ‘have a drink on me’.

I missed a flight to a hen do once and lost all my deposits. It’s just part of how it rolls.

No, I'm not asking for it back I think that's pretty clear from what I've written?

If it's just the cost of the hotel room, then of course you can get it back. Hotel rooms are almost always refundable until day of arrival. Let go of the cocktail class deposit, as you've already said you will.

Just say you have another commitment. You don't have to tell them that you've committed to for example, having a quiet weekend at home reading a book

If she or the fiancé push you for an answer as to why you don't want to go, just repeat that you can't make it. Sorry and let's do something else to celebrate.

she sent me a very miserable photo of her and the other hens dressed up as Snow White's dwarves on an open-top bus

Oh good grief, there's a bride who was laughing herself silly at what she'd got them to do!! You can just imagine the awfulness of trying to grin and bear it.

helpmewithdrawgracefully I read this with interest as, when I was younger, I was like you, and very avoidant and found it almost impossible to say 'no' to people. To get out of things I'd come up with fantastical excuses and reasons and tie myself in knots.
With age has come the slow realisation that it's perfectly reasonable and ok to say 'no thanks'. The relief is wonderful.
So I hope that tackling this head on, being direct, polite and truthful will see the start of you letting go of your avoidance tactics too.

but we just can't make the logistics work for us so I'm going to have to say I can't come."
I like this. If you go into details about half term and childcare and annual leave she'll either have a solution for each reason or she'll get the hump because it sounds as though you're scrabbling round for excuses. Only ever give one reason "can't make the logistics etc" and then leave the group. If she talks about it at work be regretful but firm, say it all sounds great and hope they have a ball! Perhaps send her some flowers the day after they get back?

Thank you so much for including me in your hen weekend plans. I know I've put down deposits but hadn't really had a chance to think about next year. It's looking very tricky for me to take time off because I need the annual leave for childcare throughout the year. Also, I know what you've arranged isn't hugely expensive but in my case it would have to come out of family money and would mean that I couldn't take the DC away over half term as I usually do, which would be a real shame after not being able to take them away all through covid. It looks like a really fun weekend and I hope you all have a lovely time. Would be great to take you out for coffee soon.

I wouldn't even go into it this deep OP, I'd just send something like:

"Hey, so sorry to do this but I'm not going to be able to make it to your hen. I hadn't anticipated how much it would be and I just can't afford it, and don't want to put a downer on the weekend for everyone else. Don't worry about what I've already paid for the cocktails etc, use it to have a drink on me. Hope you all have a lovely time and can't wait to hear about it when you're back".

The thing is, it doesn't sound like you're a particularly close friend so I'm sure she won't mind you pulling out. It's far better if you do it now than continue to let her keep booking your place on things etc etc.

I am trying to plan a (very budget-conscious!) hen at the moment and one person is stringing us along, saying they'll come then then not paying and it's so difficult to get anything booked not knowing if she's turning up or not. She is not a massively close friend of the bride so there is no need for her to stress about it if she can't come, and it would be so much easier and no hard feelings at all if she just backed out.

Not at all saying you're doing this as you're not, but the longer you leave it to back out the more the hen might be liable for charges for no shows etc.

The least you say the better. Be firm and final.

Keep it vague and don’t get drawn on details - because anything you say (her DF and her) sounds like they will try to work around (money, days off etc).

Logistics is great - as is something like “a prior commitment that you had overlooked / double booked” - if pushed just say it’s a family thing (no details).

The resentment is building for you - so just get it done. Will be such a relief.

Sounds like the WKD from hell!

So sorry, but due to childcare logistics and other family commitments I'm afraid I will have to back out of the hen do after all.

New strategy for the future is when someone invites you to something and you feel you can’t say No in the moment - DONT say Yes - just buy some time and say - “will come back to you on that - need to check diaries / logistics.”

Also if you know you don’t want to go - doesn’t matter if you have the time or the money (you get to spend your time and your money how you like!!! No obligation to others) - just say Sorry not available / No thanks sooner rather than later. I did this with a hideously themed birthday party immediately - whilst my mate squirmed for 6 weeks before pulling out the week before. No need to suffer and it pisses people off doing it last minute.

I have sympathy for your happily signing up because it seemed a long way off thing, OP. Fwiw, something that helped me work out if I was genuinely keen was pausing and imagining any event was happening tomorrow to see how I really felt about it.

Tell her you've been invited to a wedding of a close friend that weekend, rescheduled from last year.

I genuinely had to miss the hen do of a good friend because another good friend was getting married (actually in that case I'd much rather have gone to the hen do - gutted).

Don’t say that you can’t afford it. Just say that this is turning out to be much more expensive than anticipated, so you need to opt out. Which is the truth. No excuses, it will only give her ammunition to question you.

I have been in similar circs and just said that I was really sorry but the total for the hen do had got to a point where it was outside my budget. Wish them a lovely time. And stick at that.

When she sent me a very miserable photo of her and the other hens dressed up as Snow White's dwarves on an open-top bus I think she wished she'd been honest at the start.

@RomainingCalm crying with laughter 😂

I'm sorry friend, I am not able to come to your hen weekend. I'm sure you will have a brilliant time and I can't wait to hear all about it. Could you let me know how to get the deposits back? Sorry to be a pain. Really looking forward to the wedding. Let's catch up soon.

@2bazookas

"Dear Susie, thanks for the invite to your lovely hen party. I'm really sorry to duck out, but due to a family commitment I won't be able to attend. Hope you all have a great time!"

This makes most sense to me

New strategy for the future is when someone invites you to something and you feel you can’t say No in the moment - DONT say Yes - just buy some time and say - “will come back to you on that - need to check diaries / logistics.”

Definitely. I posted on another hen do/wedding thread that all invitees/bridesmaids should always ask up front "how much is this going to cost me?"

And please do not send that essay of a response. It needs to be brief and to the point. Godmum's response is a good one. Also, add on a bit about logistics as well if you want.

So sorry, but due to childcare logistics and other family commitments, I'm afraid I will have to back out of the hen do after all.

That. Your draft is far too wordy and woolly. You sound too grovelly, and she'll just try to change your mind.

The only edit I'd make is "So sorry, but due to childcare logistics, budget restraints and other family commitments..."

In future make it clear from the outset you hate big nights out. Even if you do, pretend you don’t. It’s easy for me because it’s literally my idea of hell “you need a night out! You’d love it” I do not and I’ve already decided I’m not going to enjoy it.

It’s one thing earning good money but people live up to their incomes so how are they not to know you’ve not got a massive mortgage or a huge cocaine habit?

The relief is wonderful.

//// This is so true. I've recently handed my notice in for a job that was making me feel utterly miserable and quite unwell. I felt bad about doing it as we're heading for a busy time - though in reality there was never going to be a good time - and tied myself in knots building up to telling my manager. I won't lie ... I had butterflies, felt sick and got that horrid rash thing on my neck and probably stumbled my words (I wasn't totally honest about all the reasons I was leaving for, I cited a personal reason which whilst not my main driver was still true).

The relief after was like a cold shower on a hot day. And now it's done so I can look forward.

You can do this OP

This all sounds fairly typical to me. The weird part is that it’s the poor bride organising her own hen do! Usually it would be a maid of honour or bridesmaid - which naturally puts a bit of distance in the decision making. So yes you’ll have to tell her and be honest. I would imagine that you’re not the only person who feels the same way so if enough of you say something then maybe she’ll tone it down. I wouldn’t expect to get your deposit back though I’m afraid. I went on one hen do when people who dropped out demanded them back and it all did was put up the cost even more for all the other poor sods.

Good luck saying it to her. You need to be firm in the fact that days off and costs are the issue. You don't need to start explaining what you need your money for - therefore no need to go on about bringing dc away on holiday.

Be straight and to the point - Hi Jean, it seems the costs seem to have escalated and I have to save annual leave for childcare so I won't be able to make your hen after all.

If she mentions going for one night just say no, it's best to just leave it. Don't get sucked in to listening to her trying to come up with solutions.

Make your message short and sweet op.

I'd have lost all interest at the matching tshirt in the night club. So tacky

@Notaroadrunner

Good luck saying it to her. You need to be firm in the fact that days off and costs are the issue. You don't need to start explaining what you need your money for - therefore no need to go on about bringing dc away on holiday.

Be straight and to the point - Hi Jean, it seems the costs seem to have escalated and I have to save annual leave for childcare so I won't be able to make your hen after all.

If she mentions going for one night just say no, it's best to just leave it. Don't get sucked in to listening to her trying to come up with solutions.

Yep. That message is even better, and the advice good.