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Original poster

Polite ideas for ways to get out of this hen weekend please?

166 replies

helpmewithdrawgracefully · 27/09/2021 19:36

A work colleague is getting married next winter and has invited me to her hen weekend in a big city a couple of miles from here.

I expressed an interest as it was nice to be invited, I like her and it's a city I've not visited before.

I didn't expect it to be too expensive as I (clearly naively) assumed traditional hen weekends might have died out post covid, plus she's early 60 and it's her second marriage.

She's been asking for deposits here and there, hotel money etc.

But she's now sent a spreadsheet round and expects: us all to take a day's annual leave. I have small children and annual leave is really precious to us as DH and I share it so we can both manage childcare in holidays but I think we can just about manage this part.

It's going to be 3 x evening meals, ok I understand that we're going to be eating out. But she's now booked a cocktail making class, an expensive nightclub and an afternoon tea.

She's now messaged to say that she wants us all to purchase (at our expense, not hers) matching t shirts.

I don't want to go.

I'm not asking in AIBU because I know I don't want to go and I'm not going to waste time and money doing stuff I hate.

But I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I realise I've been naive to assume that this might be a nice little mini break as it's clearly something I would never have signed up to in the first place if I've realised. But I think it would be hurtful to sat that. Any suggestions (p.s she's already had £150 off me in deposits).

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 27/09/2021 20:56

Just say all your annual leave is spoken for next year unfortunately.You don't have to say its financial.

PeaceLily2000 · 27/09/2021 21:07

@SouthOfFrance

Some really good ideas on here already, not sure I can better them, but I wouldn't be inviting her out for a meal seperately if I was losing £150 on deposits though.
I agree on about not arranging to do something separately. Personally, if I arrange something and someone can't attend I hate then doing loads of small separate things to make up for it! More faff and money (maybe I'm just miserable) Grin But as everyone else has said, let her know it's too much and move on. It's very entitled in my opinion for brides to expect so much from people. I'm a bride to be and I'd never take the piss asking for annual leave and hundreds of pounds - and I'd certainly not fall out with someone who couldn't make the hen party!
Chloemol · 27/09/2021 21:15

Just tell her the truth

Sorry but annual leave of required to cover childcare or family holidays, I cant manage the extra day, but also it’s now getting far too expensive for me with meals and experiences and family outgoings come first

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Weddings
Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 27/09/2021 21:16

Thank you all.

I hope this isn't a dripfeed but the wedding is also mid-week on a working day so that's another day's AL.

I'm going backwards and forwards because I COULD find the money AND the annual leave. But the cost will be paid by my DC and she seems ignorant that it could be a sacrifice for anyone and I'm worried she'll not see my POV.

OP posts:
Velvetoverground · 27/09/2021 21:21

Tada

Polite ideas for ways to get out of this hen weekend please?
Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 27/09/2021 21:27

@Velvetoverground

Tada
LOVE THIS
OP posts:
GU24Mum · 27/09/2021 21:28

Personally I'd be a bit vaguer about the reasons, make sure she can't take it as a
criticism of her plans, be upbeat but crystal clear:

"Sorry X, the hen weekend plans sound great and I'm sure it will be a fun weekend but we just can't make the logistics work for us so I'm going to have to say I can't come."

ImInStealthMode · 27/09/2021 21:31

Do it sooner rather than later and just be honest as PPs have said. 'Really sorry but it's turning out to be a lot more than I budgeted for and I'm going to have to back out'. Then you never have to be worried about being caught out in a lie. Do NOT allow her to guilt-trip you into changing your mind.

I know it's each to their own but I'm getting married for the second time next year and fuck doing all that 3 day weekend / cocktail making / matching t-shirts / dick straws / hysterical squealing nonsense again.

Sounds exhausting, not to mention insanely expensive.

Cherrysoup · 27/09/2021 21:32

Will work let you all have the same day off?

I would go with the ‘It’s out of my budget, didn’t realise it was going to be so much’ plus ‘My DH would need to take annual leave to look after the dc and he has none left.’

Notaroadrunner · 27/09/2021 21:42

"Having seen your spreadsheet I'm afraid I will have to back out of the hen weekend. I hadn't budgeted for all you have planned to do and hadn't expected I'd need to take annual leave (which needs to be kept for childcare)"

Don't leave it much longer to tell her. Your reason for not going is because of the cost, which you have just learned is escalating. So now is the time to tell her.

FictionalCharacter · 27/09/2021 22:15

Just be honest. “Sorry Colleague, I would have liked to come but this is getting way too expensive for me and having to take a day’s annual leave is a problem too. Hope you have a lovely time”.

There’s no reason that would hurt her feelings and you don’t owe her a meal out, your deposit as a gift or anything else. She’s been really selfish tbh.

thehairyhog · 27/09/2021 22:40

@GU24Mum

Personally I'd be a bit vaguer about the reasons, make sure she can't take it as a criticism of her plans, be upbeat but crystal clear:

"Sorry X, the hen weekend plans sound great and I'm sure it will be a fun weekend but we just can't make the logistics work for us so I'm going to have to say I can't come."

Completely agree. Some of these other suggestions are highly likely to put her on the defensive.
Susannahmoody · 28/09/2021 01:48

Why on earth is it three nights?

Susannahmoody · 28/09/2021 01:48

Can't believe there's a spreadsheet 😱😱😱😱

PennyWus · 28/09/2021 03:03

I would definitely mention that you have realised that you haven't got enough free cash or AL for the weekend as you can, don't be avoidant about that too!

She may be having a bad time and bereaved but it obviously isn't stopping her planning a huge weekend away so don't let it stop you telling her you can't go. Just say you've looked at your finances and chatted with your DH and it has just become an awful lot bigger than you assumed it would be at the outset. Apologise profusely and say you hope she has a wonderful time, and maybe there is still time for her to find someone to replace you.

simitra · 28/09/2021 03:27

Im thinking of my own experiences in the past when I invited various managers and heads of the department to events and nights out. They would thank me for the invitation and decline graciously and I never thought the worse of them. Something like:

"Thank you for inviting me. I do appreciate it. But Im not really into XXX so I will decline politely and wish you an enjoyable evening."

They never felt the need to make an excuse about a previous engagement or somesuch, just told it how it was. I would do the same using some of the words suggested by other posters - or your own words. You dont have to feel ashamed because you dont enjoy these occasions any more than my bosses felt ashamed.

We dont all enjoy the same kinds of events.

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 28/09/2021 03:31

Is this communication via a group chat? I wouldn't be surprised if your message then prompts others to speak up about unanticipated costs etc. Its like a buffet - it takes one person to go for it before everyone else feels able to!

1forAll74 · 28/09/2021 03:55

I wouldn't be making any excuses at all. You have already stated that you would rather not attend. Just get your money back. You should not worry about what people may think, your own personal view is the most important thing, so let any comments just roll away.

Bigballer · 28/09/2021 03:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 28/09/2021 04:07

Tell her ASAP

It's rude to leave it if you know you're not going

Innovationstandard · 28/09/2021 11:30

I wouldn't go into detail either, just a very polite afraid I can no longer attend have a great time type answer.

RampantIvy · 28/09/2021 11:40

I really think that telling her that the escalating costs and AL requirement being the reason you can't go is the best one. It may prevent others dropping out if costs continue to escalate.

starfish4 · 28/09/2021 11:46

I'd just say I really appreciate being included, but it's too much for my budget. Perhaps, also say you'd like to go out for a drink nearer the time with her or buy her a bottle of something.

FlorallyBankrupt · 28/09/2021 11:48

Watching with interest - I'm lined up for a hen do next year which I have NO INTENTION OF GOING TO but which I am still paying monthly payments for, because if I don't it will all kick off. Long story, family ties and dramas and I can't say I'm not going.

My plan is to be ill when it comes around. I've written off the money.

RampantIvy · 28/09/2021 12:44

If your family are so unpleasant @FlorallyBankrupt wouldn't it be worth the fall out to not see them again?