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Original poster

Polite ideas for ways to get out of this hen weekend please?

166 replies

helpmewithdrawgracefully · 27/09/2021 19:36

A work colleague is getting married next winter and has invited me to her hen weekend in a big city a couple of miles from here.

I expressed an interest as it was nice to be invited, I like her and it's a city I've not visited before.

I didn't expect it to be too expensive as I (clearly naively) assumed traditional hen weekends might have died out post covid, plus she's early 60 and it's her second marriage.

She's been asking for deposits here and there, hotel money etc.

But she's now sent a spreadsheet round and expects: us all to take a day's annual leave. I have small children and annual leave is really precious to us as DH and I share it so we can both manage childcare in holidays but I think we can just about manage this part.

It's going to be 3 x evening meals, ok I understand that we're going to be eating out. But she's now booked a cocktail making class, an expensive nightclub and an afternoon tea.

She's now messaged to say that she wants us all to purchase (at our expense, not hers) matching t shirts.

I don't want to go.

I'm not asking in AIBU because I know I don't want to go and I'm not going to waste time and money doing stuff I hate.

But I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I realise I've been naive to assume that this might be a nice little mini break as it's clearly something I would never have signed up to in the first place if I've realised. But I think it would be hurtful to sat that. Any suggestions (p.s she's already had £150 off me in deposits).

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsAPenguin · 28/09/2021 16:20

I also like the childcare logistics and other family commitments. You need to be vague. If you are too specific she'll start trying to come up with ways round it for you!!

mcmooberry · 28/09/2021 16:26

Yep keep it brief but firm, due to rising costs and childcare difficulties you are going to have to pull out. The nightclub and tee shirt plan makes me want to lie down! A couple of nights away with good food, wine and conversation with new and old friends would have been fine, this sounds like hell, stop it right now!

shinynewapple21 · 28/09/2021 16:31

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to prioritise your annual leave and your money on your own family. I would be surprised that anyone with a young family didn't do that .

I think if it was me I would probably attend for the one night. even if that was the night with the club and T shirts. But I wouldn't go at all if the person was funny about the fact that I couldn't attend the whole lot. I think it's an unreasonable ask.

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Weddings
user1471538283 · 28/09/2021 16:53

Tell her as soon as you can. Also try to get the deposit back. I've been guilt tripped into bachelorette parties and they are ridiculously expensive. I couldnt do it to my friends.

I would tell her flatly that it is too expensive and you need your deposit back. It doesn't matter what you earn, it is of no concern to her.

selflove · 28/09/2021 17:03

Why is it that if you only go one night, it has to be the nightclub and T-shirt's night?

Presumably you have sorted childcare and the arrangements made to be away for all three? So why is it that you can either go for all three nights OR only the T-shirt's night? Surely you could pick any one of the three nights, as you have your childcare sorted for all three, no?

Herecomesthesun70 · 28/09/2021 17:23

I'd avoid the money and AL excuse and just say.
The hen do is not what I expected and I don't do clubs so I won't come. Let me know if you have a local one though and I I'll fo that instead

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 28/09/2021 17:28

Tbh I don't think you need to go into all the detail of not being able to take DC away just mention cost and AL and the rest of the message is fine

She's probably not going to care that much but it would be rude to pull out at short notice so do it now

Her partner is not going to care

I think you're overthinking it tbh

Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 28/09/2021 17:38

@selflove

Why is it that if you only go one night, it has to be the nightclub and T-shirt's night?

Presumably you have sorted childcare and the arrangements made to be away for all three? So why is it that you can either go for all three nights OR only the T-shirt's night? Surely you could pick any one of the three nights, as you have your childcare sorted for all three, no?

Because it's travelling up Friday morning (using a day's leave), Saturday night T shirt night (no leave as the next day is Sunday) Sunday night have to then book a day off to travel back on Monday.
OP posts:
Charley50 · 28/09/2021 17:40

Just tell her ASAP, because if other people start dropping out before you, she'll try and guilt trip you to go. Also don't tell her on the group chat, as you'll put the idea of dropping out into other people's heads.

Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 28/09/2021 17:45

Ok.

"Sorry to drop this on you but when the hen plans were made we were all in isolation with covid (this is true) and it was a bit of a stressful time and I wasn't really in the right place to think through things happening next year. I've now had a look at our budget for next year and it doesn't stretch to me going away on my own, even for one night, so I'm going to have to withdraw from the weekend. I know you'll all have an amazing time, maybe we could go out for coffee sometime soon?"

I know you'll all say that's too much detail but she is a -real plan ahead type and struggles to put herself in other people's shoes. She won't understand why I found it hard to think through something that's over a year ago (she doesn't know I have ADHD and a shit ton of excecutive functioning issues that go with that).

She will want to know why I said yes and am now saying now and I'm going to have to own the not thinking it through bit without disclosing what is actually the problem with my brain, and planning etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 28/09/2021 17:49

Or maybe I'll just change it to "when the plans came through it was at a really stressful time and I wasn't in a good position to be working through plans and finances for next year."

OP posts:
VerveClique · 28/09/2021 17:52

Good lord don't say that!

Just say:

"Hi Jean, I'm really sorry but I've decided that I'm not going to come with you on your hen weekend after all. It sounds fantastic but it's all just a bit more than I'd anticipated in terms of time, cost etc.

"I'm sure you'll have a fab time. Obviously it would be great if you are able to get any of my deposits back to me, but I understand that some of it may be non-refundable.

"Shall we have a quick chat about it one evening? It'd be great to catch up. I'll look forward to seeing you soon, and of course hearing all about it afterwards!"

Do NOT let yourself be talked out of it! Just say - it's all a bit much - time, distance, all the activities etc. and that's that.

As PPs have said, she may be a bit cool with you about things.

(Also on another note, it's FINE to spend family money on stuff like this if you and DP agree, and FINE to have to make other arrangements for childcare e.g. an extra day of holiday club if needed - if you can afford these things - your friendships need to be nurtured throughout your life and sometimes this involves things that aren't 100% your cup of tea because the friendship means a lot to you overall.)

Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 28/09/2021 17:58

@VerveClique

Good lord don't say that!

Just say:

"Hi Jean, I'm really sorry but I've decided that I'm not going to come with you on your hen weekend after all. It sounds fantastic but it's all just a bit more than I'd anticipated in terms of time, cost etc.

"I'm sure you'll have a fab time. Obviously it would be great if you are able to get any of my deposits back to me, but I understand that some of it may be non-refundable.

"Shall we have a quick chat about it one evening? It'd be great to catch up. I'll look forward to seeing you soon, and of course hearing all about it afterwards!"

Do NOT let yourself be talked out of it! Just say - it's all a bit much - time, distance, all the activities etc. and that's that.

As PPs have said, she may be a bit cool with you about things.

(Also on another note, it's FINE to spend family money on stuff like this if you and DP agree, and FINE to have to make other arrangements for childcare e.g. an extra day of holiday club if needed - if you can afford these things - your friendships need to be nurtured throughout your life and sometimes this involves things that aren't 100% your cup of tea because the friendship means a lot to you overall.)

Thank you.

I didn't need the last paragraph, however well intentioned you thought it was. I already do those things, I'm not a doormat with no life of my own I just don't enjoy wearing matching hen t shirts to nightclubs.

OP posts:
ScumbagDave · 28/09/2021 18:00

You're saying too much in either of those responses. Apologise profusely if needs be, but you do not owe her your life story for pulling out of a hen do with decent notice. Just say, look, I'm sorry about this, but I can't make it to your hen. Have a fantastic time and I'd love to take you out for dinner some time (or whatever).

If she asks why just say you have some family commitments which you can't get out of. If she asks for more information, just say, sorry, I really can't make it but thanks again for the invitation. If she keeps asking at this point she is awful anyway, so ignore. Tell her you can't make it. She doesn't need anything other than that tbh, and would be rude and weird to keep asking.

Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 28/09/2021 18:06

Ok...

Hi Bride,

I'm so sorry but I'm going to have to pull out of the hen weekend. I've looked at it and even though I hoped to be able to I can make it work with family logistics and budget. It looks like it's going to be a great weekend, I hope you take lots of pictures so I can see them. Would love to catch up for coffee with you soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmewithdrawgracefully · 28/09/2021 18:06

can't

OP posts:
blacksax · 28/09/2021 18:07

The more waffly excuses you make, the more she will come back at you with ways to get round them.

Be brief. Short and to the point.

RampantIvy · 28/09/2021 18:07

Please do not give a wordy excuse. You need to be brief and to the point. The more words you use the lamer your excuses will sound, and it will give her more opportunity to talk you out of it.

Come on now. Put your big girl pants on and just tell her you aren't going. Then just remove yourself from the group chat.

mumwon · 28/09/2021 18:11

this is where I tell dh that he has forbidden me to do something & remind him a few times.
He always does what I ask him Grin
Than you can say your dh has said you can't go (I am joking but if she doesn't know your partner...)

MyFavouritePlace · 28/09/2021 18:14

I'd say something like..

Hi Bride,

Really sorry but I won't be able to come on the hen weekend (just can't make the finances and time off work). I'm sure you'll all have a blast. Look forward to hearing all about it...

roses2 · 28/09/2021 18:17

@AmandaHoldensLips

Just tell her "I'm so embarrassed but your hen celebrations are way out of my budget. I realise it was me who asked to come along in the first place but I won't be able to join you. Really sorry, blah blah blah, (and can I have my deposits back please."

Job done.

This is perfect- no come back from her and you'd come across as apologetic
Ozberry · 28/09/2021 18:17

I've been in this situation. I just said 'thanks so much for the invite. It sounds like loads of fun but it's a bit beyond my budget. I'd love to join you for dinner one night though'

The do was fairly local so I went along for a meal, but if it's a few hours away I like the idea of offering your deposit for a round of drinks

Ozberry · 28/09/2021 18:19

Another good line is: 'take loads of pictures so I can see what I'm missing out on!'

Basically make it seem like you are dead keen, but just can't stretch to it - which I think is pretty much true

ScumbagDave · 28/09/2021 18:21

@helpmewithdrawgracefully

Ok...

Hi Bride,

I'm so sorry but I'm going to have to pull out of the hen weekend. I've looked at it and even though I hoped to be able to I can make it work with family logistics and budget. It looks like it's going to be a great weekend, I hope you take lots of pictures so I can see them. Would love to catch up for coffee with you soon.

Definitely your best one so far imo! But I'd probably simplify it more.
ScumbagDave · 28/09/2021 18:22

But then, if your natural writing / texting style is more wordy then keep it to what you've just suggested