Polite ideas for ways to get out of this hen weekend please?

[helpmewithdrawgracefully]

A work colleague is getting married next winter and has invited me to her hen weekend in a big city a couple of miles from here.

I expressed an interest as it was nice to be invited, I like her and it's a city I've not visited before.

I didn't expect it to be too expensive as I (clearly naively) assumed traditional hen weekends might have died out post covid, plus she's early 60 and it's her second marriage.

She's been asking for deposits here and there, hotel money etc.

But she's now sent a spreadsheet round and expects: us all to take a day's annual leave. I have small children and annual leave is really precious to us as DH and I share it so we can both manage childcare in holidays but I think we can just about manage this part.

It's going to be 3 x evening meals, ok I understand that we're going to be eating out. But she's now booked a cocktail making class, an expensive nightclub and an afternoon tea.

She's now messaged to say that she wants us all to purchase (at our expense, not hers) matching t shirts.

I don't want to go.

I'm not asking in AIBU because I know I don't want to go and I'm not going to waste time and money doing stuff I hate.

But I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I realise I've been naive to assume that this might be a nice little mini break as it's clearly something I would never have signed up to in the first place if I've realised. But I think it would be hurtful to sat that. Any suggestions (p.s she's already had £150 off me in deposits).

@Bigballer

She is in her 60s and wants matching t-shirts to go to a night club. I would be to embarrassed to take part in that.

I feel like a bitch but that's what tipped me over the edge.

I don't want to wear matching T shirts (I declined buying one, I'm the only one who did!)

Yes it's on a group whatsapp. The thing that worried me about the T shirt is that it wasn't made in a "no pressure at all but I'm ordering one of these would anyone like one, too?" question, it was "I've seen these for us to wear for the nightclub" there was no self-awareness that maybe people wouldn't want to spend 20 odd quid on something that will be worn once.

I've seen her be quite controlling at work, it's actually the reason she's very good at her job as she's great at focusing on details, pulling projects together and making people accoutnable.

But I'm worried it will spill over to the weekend and like the T shirt I'll be expected to buy a cocktail here, a coffee and a cake there, this place for dinner 'let's all have three courses' kind of stuff and I think it will spiral because she doesn't seem to be concsious that this is other people's money and her hen night is not the big event of the year for others that it is for us.

@FlorallyBankrupt

Watching with interest - I'm lined up for a hen do next year which I have NO INTENTION OF GOING TO but which I am still paying monthly payments for, because if I don't it will all kick off. Long story, family ties and dramas and I can't say I'm not going.

My plan is to be ill when it comes around. I've written off the money.

Wow, florally, good luck. This was exactly my plan until I started this thread. What a crappy position :(

Oh, @helpmewithdrawgracefully a spreadsheet and matching t shirts 🤣

Just tell her now, with the can’t make the logistics work reply suggested above. And repeat if other suggestions are made. Then message the group saying you’re bowing out, have a great time, and leave the group

TBH I don't understand why people are too embarrassed to say "I'm sorry but this is beyond my budget".

I would not judge and have not judged anyone who said they couldn't come out because they can't afford it.

This needs to be said to bridezillas and MOHzillas to stop the ridiculous spiralling costs. Be politely assertive, and do it now, not later.

I think generally it's better to be honest. If nothing else, saves you from having to remember exactly what you said and never to accidentally contradict something you claimed earlier. And personally, I'd rather someone told me the truth, even if I found that a bit upsetting, rather than find out later that they were lying to me.

So say that, unfortunately, it is turning out to be much more expensive than anticipated and you can't really afford it. Thanks for the invite, and hope she has a lovely time.

/// excellent suggestion corona

It really pisses me off when others happily spend my £ to plan a big evening which then turns into a weekend with all manner of additional spends required before you even go, just to celebrate their wedding. People should be totally up front about the costs and commitment involved before inviting. And then be gracious enjoy to accept people won't always be able to manage it.

OP look out as I Predict you'll soon have a chirpy group message from chief bridesmaid/bestie cheerfully suggesting you all pay all the brides share

I had a wicked night away in Leeds for mine about 15 years ago - train, hotel, afternoon activity, night out and club with a few bars - I researched and itemised everything so people could decide. And those that couldn't make it we did local drinks a few weeks later.

Hope it goes ok when you tell her OP.

@Bigballer

She is in her 60s and wants matching t-shirts to go to a night club. I would be to embarrassed to take part in that.

I was thinking this. I didn't do this at 25.

Could you go just for one day and night, somewhere you've paid the deposit

I went away for one night with a few friends for mine years ago. I lied and said the rooms were cheaper than they really were so no one was pushed. And a cheap Italian meal and drinks 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly the longer you leave it to do the worse you'll feel in the lead up. It's like a plaster, best ripped off quickly.

Just go fir less time OP. Say you’re running out of leave. That way you have one less meal and hopefully one less activity
It doesn’t sound like an overly onerous hen weekend to me (although 3 days is a bit long).

@underneaththeash

Just go fir less time OP. Say you’re running out of leave. That way you have one less meal and hopefully one less activity It doesn’t sound like an overly onerous hen weekend to me (although 3 days is a bit long).

I've thought about this but as I said upthread the only single night I could go to is the matching t shirts nightclub one and that's the activity I really don't want to do.

I really think you need to be honest and give your real reason - it just isn't within your budget. Make sure you don't make any of it a criticism of her as that will rattle and it sounds as though you need to tread carefully. To avoid any drama, I would just blame myself for not being realistic about what I could commit to (logistically) and afford. You must be from a different age group and I assume that she and (most of) her friends aren't bringing children up...hopefully she will remember the struggles if she has lived this life.

And try to get your deposit back. Honestly, it's only last minute that you shouldn't expect this as the company would keep it and it would be in their cancellation policies. Most things are refundable this far out and if she says this isn't the case then ask her if you can see the policies. What have you already paid up for?

OP you need to read “the Life changing magic of not giving a fuck”.

Ok, thank you everybody this has been really helpful. I've paid for hotel which it the main of it and it looks like I can get that back.

The cocktail thing is also paid for, I'm not sure if it's refundable but I can live with losing that.

I'm thinking about what to say, I've written it down although saying it face to face I think will be more polite but basically....

Thank you so much for including me in your hen weekend plans. I know I've put down deposits but hadn't really had a chance to think about next year. It's looking very tricky for me to take time off because I need the annual leave for childcare throughout the year. Also, I know what you've arranged isn't hugely expensive but in my case it would have to come out of family money and would mean that I couldn't take the DC away over half term as I usually do, which would be a real shame after not being able to take them away all through covid. It looks like a really fun weekend and I hope you all have a lovely time. Would be great to take you out for coffee soon.

@helpmewithdrawgracefully I get what you are saying about stuff going on for the hen right now, etc etc - but really I doubt she will actually care that much. She will be much more p*ssed off if you pull out further down the road. Time to put on your big girl pants and rip off that plaster (to give you a fully mixed metaphor). It sounds dire and you well within your rights to prioritise your time and finances for your family. Don’t explain - just say that financially and logistically this won’t work for me - but hope you have an amazing time. You’ll feel great when it’s done 😊

You’re a work colleague and over thinking it, I posted recently on a separate thread about people going nuts over their celebrations and people not being able to afford them (physically and financially) and here we go again. Just make an excuse, you’ve got kids, plenty of excuses there, or it clashes with something and you forgot.
It’s sweet that you feel bad but you’re investing too much energy and feelings into this, you’re not a long time close friend or relative. Don’t go, she’ll live and can carry on with her diva weekend.

Also surprise surprise there a printed f*cking t shirt involved. No robe this time! Hope these things die a death in the next few years...

I would go with the first response on the thread tbh. Your plans are too spendy for my budget basically!

But what you're saying is fine too op.

Once you've sent it, it will be done and dusted. She probably won't care that much.

I hate elaborate hen dos! Unless it's someone I adore (close, close friend) I don't go.

"Dear Susie, thanks for the invite to your lovely hen party.
I'm really sorry to duck out, but due to a family commitment I won't be able to attend. Hope you all have a great time!"

No need to give chapter and verse, sorry I can no longer afford this, I understand my deposit is non refundable- have a wonderful time.

A few years ago I was in a similar situation, but it wasn't really about money - just what I thought was going to be a quiet but fun weekend with 5 or so women turned into 12 women and plans turned out to be nightclub partying with inflatable genitals, as opposed to the good restaurants and gallery hopping which were originally discussed.

Anyway I said I couldn't take the day off and that my budget had changed instead of telling the truth - that it wasn't my idea of fun. The bride (who worked with me) proceeded to donate one of her days off to cover me and paid for my plane ticket (without asking me) with her fiancés air miles. So at that point I had no choice. It was one of the most miserable weekends of my life.

@Wroxie

A few years ago I was in a similar situation, but it wasn't really about money - just what I thought was going to be a quiet but fun weekend with 5 or so women turned into 12 women and plans turned out to be nightclub partying with inflatable genitals, as opposed to the good restaurants and gallery hopping which were originally discussed.

Anyway I said I couldn't take the day off and that my budget had changed instead of telling the truth - that it wasn't my idea of fun. The bride (who worked with me) proceeded to donate one of her days off to cover me and paid for my plane ticket (without asking me) with her fiancés air miles. So at that point I had no choice. It was one of the most miserable weekends of my life.

Oh God, that's so sweet, but also awful.

One really good friend's hen do did bgo from quiet weekend in the UK to mad long weekend abroad with loads of people. I actually was able to say no to that and I was honest that I would be miserable company on that sort of weekend. I took the bride out separately and we're still really good friends and godmothers to each others children.

Depends on the relationship, but sometimes honesty is better!

Maybe something about family commitments or just say you can't make it anymore and sorry. Let's go out for a drink instead etc.

@Wroxie

A few years ago I was in a similar situation, but it wasn't really about money - just what I thought was going to be a quiet but fun weekend with 5 or so women turned into 12 women and plans turned out to be nightclub partying with inflatable genitals, as opposed to the good restaurants and gallery hopping which were originally discussed.

Anyway I said I couldn't take the day off and that my budget had changed instead of telling the truth - that it wasn't my idea of fun. The bride (who worked with me) proceeded to donate one of her days off to cover me and paid for my plane ticket (without asking me) with her fiancés air miles. So at that point I had no choice. It was one of the most miserable weekends of my life.

Oh my god this sounds hellish!! Sympathies!

I will rip off the plaster and do it and report back. I mentioned upthread that I work with her husband, also, we get along but he's a lot more senior than me and when I faffed about at the beginning I wasn't sure I could make the whole weekend he actually engaged me separately wanting to know why I wasn't interested in X part of the weekend.

Awkward.

A lack of awareness of other people's limits from both of them I think. But at least now I'm prepared that he might get involved and try to facilitate something .What if I end up in a situation like Wroxie did? Maybe I should say I have a child commitment instead.

OP, I think you need to be clearer about the deposit - are you asking for it back?

Personally, I wouldn’t. That’s kind of the point of the deposit - and no one made you pay it. Much better to look at it the way you already were, as sunk costs. In that case, just leap to the conclusion that you won’t be getting it back and say something charming as pp suggested ‘have a drink on me’.

I missed a flight to a hen do once and lost all my deposits. It’s just part of how it rolls.

Just be honest OP and deal with it this week. The longer you leave it the harder it gets. Be brief in your explanation (whatever you choose to say) and don't get drawn into a debate about it.

My friend once went with the 'too much hassle to change/don't want to upset their feelings/it'll be fine when I get there' approach. When she sent me a very miserable photo of her and the other hens dressed up as Snow White's dwarves on an open-top bus I think she wished she'd been honest at the start.