What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

You could rent out your house potentially as a temporary solution until either you are not in a negative equity situation or you can afford to move back in

@Dartfordwarblerautumn Not necessarily. Many mortgages prohibit renting out unless it's a Buy to Let mortgage.

Lots of good advice here.

OP is in a tailspin. Her DH is further ahead in terms shock. She needs to gather her thoughts and not panic.

so why get pregnant again if you begrudge “doing almost all the parenting of our toddler” you knew his working hours both times you chose to get pregnant. What did you expect?

I know you're just on the wind up and looking for a reaction but seriously DFO with this

@NoSquirrels

You can’t have a sensible discussion when you’re both in shock. Trust me, I have been there with my DH losing his job when I was pregnant with DC2 and it was terrifying and I was angry with him and yet I still needed to support him and deal with his emotions too - it was horrible. So I absolutely fully sympathise.

But you can’t have a sensible discussion when you’re both in shock.

You need to look at your absolutely non-negotiable outgoings and then go from there, calmly in the morning or on Monday, even. There will be a way through it. But don’t be at loggerheads now. You really need to understand why and how he lost his job - if they managed him out properly, why he was underperforming in the first place - and he can’t open up to you about that if you’re angry and telling him life is ruined. Even if that’s how you feel right now, you’ll have to suppress that.

Vent here, or to a trusted friend, but you’ll only get through this as a team so try to pull together not apart.

This.

Sorry I haven't read all the post @Darkestdays but please take a few days to calm down before you do anything.

Have a look on the Money Saving Expert website. So much help and advice there on how to look at your budget and make savings. Lots of people there who have great experience who will offer support too.

Apply for benefits as soon as you can, it takes a while.

Don't be so negative about your husbands chances of a new job, there are many more roles offering remote of hybrid hours now then ever. I job hunt all the time and the number of vacancies at the moment is high.

If your husband was feeling too stressed in his last job be realistic about what level his next job should be. If he dropped down a level and was on 40-45K plan for how you live on that. Being practical and not punative will help.

Op, I mean this gently, but disciplinary and then dismissal is highly unlikely to be due to performance and more likely a gross misconduct issue. This maybe why he’s looking for lower paid jobs, as they will not give him a reference, or his reference maybe very damaging.

How long has he been there, has it been th six years?

It seems like he’s still trying to hide what’s occured, and is in denial of the impacts of it, particularly if it’s a sudden thing Ie the last three weeks it’s come up

I think you need to gently try to get to the bottom of it, because the reality of what occured may well dictate your future.

@Autumndays123

For those suggesting OP rents her house out - you can't do this when you have a help to buy loan. It must be paid off in full first

That makes sense.

I'm sorry OP, that's beyond rubbish. Your OH may not see it now that things will need to change, but reality is going to hit home sooner rather than later. If he's not realistic about that, please just make sure that he doesn't take on debt to try and cope with this, as that will land you with even more problems. You need to plan together, he'll come round to that eventually. If he's determined you'll stay in your home, and you don't think he'll find employment where you are, could he work away to earn a better salary? It sounds like you're not already in London, so could he work away in London (or anywhere there's well paying jobs) to earn enough to pay your bills and rent a mid-week room somewhere (that's what my father did for many years)? London wages can be significantly higher than the rest of the UK, I'm sure you know that. Whilst doing that, could he retrain to do something where he can WFH, if he can't do that already? You're likely going to need to cut all unnecessary expenses. Ditch the leased car if that's at all reasonably possible, and buy a very cheap car for cash. Go through bills with a fine tooth comb, cut all subscriptions etc. Shop at the cheapest available supermarket near you, meal plan so there's 0 waste, and eat lots of cheap meals (rice and beans, as Dave Ramsey would say). You've probably already thought of all those things, but if not, they're going to be necessary, at least in the short term. Good luck!

Seems like he kept it quite for good reason. You can’t earn more but he possibly must.

Hopefully this is an overreaction on your part because your shocked

It’s all very well feeling crap and down about losing your job but those self indulgent feelings have to be pushed aside when you have children to support.

He needs to buck himself out and be pro active in finding a job or even two jobs and be prepared to work over time until your finances are in a better position.

Years ago people didn’t sit around feeling sorry for themselves citing stress and depression, that sucked it up, got on with it and did what had to be done to make ends meet.

Up not out

@JinglingHellsBells

You could rent out your house potentially as a temporary solution until either you are not in a negative equity situation or you can afford to move back in

@Dartfordwarblerautumn Not necessarily. Many mortgages prohibit renting out unless it's a Buy to Let mortgage.

Fair point- but potentially switching mortgage and discussion about this as option is needed before ruling out entirely. Many people have to rent out their houses when relocating with a company for instance.

At £65k he’s paying a lot of tax - if you both had jobs around the £25k mark then you’re take home pay wouldn’t be that far off what you have now.
So longer term you both need to get jobs that pay a similar amount. If he’s miserable working like that then something needs to change and you need to step up.

He's going on about not wanting the stress anymore and saying he just wants an easy job, looking at things online that scrape £20k. Im saying to him you can't work jobs like that and expect to keep this house

Have to admit I’d be furious with that comment.
Working very few hours for little money when in means another has to bare the brunt of stress and everything else financially to pay for the dream lifestyle doesn’t sound like a partnership to me or very supportive. I’d not settle for that personally

Sell the house, own the negative equity, go full time and he can then find a less stressful job covering normal bills rather than a giant mortgage etc.

@Darkestdays
Get rid of the lease car.

@JinglingHellsBells
the expensive lease car can go...

No it can't.

This is a much bigger problem than the mortgage, in my opinion!

A car lease is a full term contract. You can't get out of it without extremely punitive charges.

For example, if it's a 3 year £5,000 per year payment, if you give it back after 6 months they 'may' let you off 10% of the outstanding £12.5k. So you'd have to pay them ~£11k to get out of it.

A lease is not PCP or finance. It's very different and you need to be extremely careful if you're living beyond (or to the limit of) your means when you go into it.

Not read the entire thread but he DH having a breakdown?

What sector is he in?

Could you rent out your house to cover the mortgage?

Not had time to read all PPs’ posts, but you could consider renting out your house and relocating if your DH can find a new job elsewhere. You would then have tge option of moving back to it in the future if and when circumstances allow.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

I'd want to know exactly what he had been sacked for first, before deciding if I even wanted to stay in the relationship. Then deal with finances.

Seriously? For better and for worse doesn’t mean much these days.

You’re getting some excellent advice here @Darkestdays. The job market is very buoyant at the moment which is very helpful. The lease car has to go and all other outgoing will need to be cut to the bone. Hopefully your mortgage company will give you a few months holiday. You’ll get through this if you stick together. You’re a team, this is the time you need one another’s support the most.

@ToadstoolBubbleMaker

No one is dead

This is relevant how exactly?

Absolutely. There are some spectacularly unsympathetic and unhelpful posts on this thread.

Someone is having a very rough time. Why do people feel this is a good time to judge, debate past choices, minimise, and generally give the impression that there's no point complaining because "it could be worse"?

You've had some horrible responses. Ignore them.
We've been in a similar situation with unexpected redundancies. Try not to worry and try not to don't dwell on what has happened and why. You just need to focus on your small family unit and the future.
Give yourselves a break until you work it out.
For now, do 3 things only:

1. Cut all expenses to the absolute minimum you need to survive. Get rid of the car if you can. You can always get another later. Get rid of expensive phones. Work out an absolute minimal spending budget. Spend nothing unless you absolutely have to to survive.
2. Both of you polish up your CVs and start to look for work. I know that you can't work right now but the baby will be here soon. I worked when my first baby was 6 weeks old. Don't be too proud to take jobs that are "beneath" your skills or current job. Any job is good especially when you are in a crisis.
3. See what other help you can get. Can family help? Can you get any benefits?

Very best wishes. You can do this!

OP I know you are in shock but you are also panicking.

One thing no one here knows is if you have any savings OR if you have family who could help tide you over.

I have DCs who are probably your age or older.

If this happened to them I am lucky enough to be able to loan them several months cash to pay the mortgage and essential outgoings.

Have you spoken to your family?

You are talking as if this is the end of the world. It's not.

In the short term your DH has to get work.
Maybe he needs to accept that some types of career are not for him if he didn't perform in his last role.
If it was 'sales' of some kind maybe that isn't for his personality.

But you also need to step up, not so much to earn money but to be responsible for your choices.
You said that you are pretty clueless over the set-up with buy to let and what you would need to repay.

Honestly, you do need to start being more interested in and responsible for joint financial decisions. One major flaw in all of this is you stretched yourselves for this house but had no savings for a rainy day.

If you had understand the risks of a huge mortgage and no mortgage protection, you all might not be where you are now.

Start talking to your families, the lenders of your mortgage and see where that leaves you.

buy to let- I meant help to buy!

It depends on the sector as to whether it was likely to be gross misconduct and therefore make it harder to secure other work at a similar level. If it's target based such as recruitment it could be he's been falling below numbers, only he knows, but hopefully he is being honest with OP.