What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

“Can you get a promotion?”

Some people live in an imaginary world. As if it’s that simple

[quote Lockdownbear]@DaphneDeloresMoorhead
@RussianSpy101

Kick a girl while she is down. Why not?

You don't know what made them make the choice to buy that particular house. But "I told you so" "you shouldn't have bought a big house" just isn't really helpful.

Op speak with the lender and see what they'll do to reduce payments etc.

Good luck you'll get there.[/quote]
^This.

Posters so gleefully jumping on the OP that the delight has apparently blinded them and prevented them from reading the OP posts.

There are rocks in my garden with more empathy than some of the posters on this thread.

@Teeheehee1579

The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross

Agreed. I understand it's a shock to the system but I actually felt bad for your DH in this post. My husband would be devastated if this happened to him, he works full time, providing most of our finances, he comes home helps with the house and does his fair share of parenting. I'd be really worried that you being so angry with your DH is going to push him further into despair, when really he just needs the support right now. I do understand you have a lot going on too, pregnant, toddler, part time work is a LOT. But I think in this case, your DH needs you to look past the initial panic and not telling you, and pull together to sort it out.

Firstly try and take a breath. You are in shock andstress. You want to get a solution ASAP but it takes time. Nothing happens that quickly and worse thing to do is to rush decisions that are so big. Spend time cultivating different options/scenarios.

I was in a similar position a few years ago. We'd relocated 3 months before my husband got made redundant. Our savings were spent on the house (which had bills twice what we'd been paying before). I was on maternity leave. We'd intended for me to quit my job and only go back for a short time to keep my enhanced maternity pay (as we were now over 1hr 30 from my job and had 2 small children). My husband earns more than twice my full time salary so definitely the breadwinner.

It was scary. Firstly we cut all unnecessary expenditure. Secondly we worked out how long we could stay on top of bills using the money in the bank and his redundancy payout (he also had a notice period).
Then we worked out if we could borrow money from our parents and how much (as it happened we owed some money to my dad so we discussed with him not paying it back as planned for the time being).
I then spoke to my job and told them what had happened and asked about returning early for Mat leave/upping my hours (even though it would have been a bitch of a commute) - they were happy to help where they could but in the end we realised it wasn't going to help. Even me working full time wouldn't cover our costs and childcare could get in the way of my husband getting a job.
Husband immediately got on the job hunt. Updated his CV, sent to friends in the same industry, updated LinkedIn, contacted recruiters etc.
We also modelled different scenarios- selling, renting, relocating etc

Luckily after 2-3 months he found a job within his organisation (its a big place). Which it turns out was for the best- he had been doing ridiculous hours in his old job, lots of pressure and wasn't enjoying it all. His new job wasn't something he would have necessarily chosen to do but turned out to be a good fit with a better work life balance.
It was a very stressful time and we were ultimately lucky. I was never angry with him though and he still felt so terrible and very responsible. I can completely understand being mad he didn't tell you immediately but try and let that go and start afresh. Work the problem together.

I’m not sure this is about the “poor guy being shocked and stressed” , but maybe I’m cynical. This seems to habe arisen in the last three weeks, a disciplinary and then instant dismissal, particularly if he’s been there a few years would indicate to me gross misconduct.

And if that’s the case he may well struggle to get another role like he had and that’s why he’s looking at lower paid jobs.

I get that you were worried but you sounded very selfish and hopefully you’ve had time to think on it and calm down a bit. He obviously didn’t choose to lose his job and would prefer to live a fancy lifestyle.

For now you are just going to have to cut back a bit.
If he earned so much I’m sure you would also have savings you could put towards the mortgage for the next few months until you get back on your feet.
You could think about downsizing or if you have a spare room you could rent it out.

You are only working 16 hours so your nursery bills shouldn’t be too high. You could do the math and see if you would be better off working more hours and paying more nursery bills or working less.

I would also look to see if there is any way of getting rid of the leased car or exchanging it for a cheaper one. You could look at getting a cheaper one on finance if you can afford one outright.

It’s obviously a big worry but I think it’s an eye opener that you’ll need to get a better paid job if you want to live a certain lifestyle, it is too risky and unfair to pin your whole families lifestyle on one person/job as anything could happen.

Can he get a job delivering fuel?

@CoronaLightSweet

Can he get a job delivering fuel?

There's just the small matter of not being trained or qualified in any way

As someone above said, you cannot just return a lease car so please stop saying that.

Ditto with renting out the house. You cannot do that under help to buy.

You could look at getting a cheaper one on finance if you can afford one outright.

How is someone with no job going to get finance?

I think you’re overly cynical @Bluntness100. Regardless of the circumstances of the job loss, he must be at his wits’ end right now, especially since he’s been keeping it to himself for a couple of weeks. At least now it’s out in the open they can start to formulate a plan.

@CoronaLightSweet

Can he get a job delivering fuel?

To do that you need qualifications. To do the qualifications, you need to pass the test for DVLA. There is a massive backlog with DVLA. Round in circles which is why there is a shortage of drivers.

@escapeyou

As someone above said, you cannot just return a lease car so please stop saying that.

Ditto with renting out the house. You cannot do that under help to buy.

You can return a lease car. In fact, if you can’t pay for it, they come and take it away.

Oh my goodness sorry! 💐 First of all, if he was sacked he can claim benefits. Secondly, work out what you can cut from your budget. Please support him through this rime- he must be feeling awful. There are thousands of jobs going so he can find lower paid work immediately while he applies for something better.

Sometimes it is not what happens in life that matters but how you handle it. So try to stay strong and supportive - you will get through it and he will get another job. Meanwhile he has time with you and your child- let this be a time your marriage grows stronger and happier. Having even one person if life to say”I’ve got your back whatever happens “ if the difference between coming back stronger and breaking. All the best to you both.

This happened to us a few weeks ago. In the short-term, we have done the following:

-Increased my hours to full-time (not sure how long you have until maternity leave or if your workplace has extra work available)

• We took our kids out of childcare so DH could look after them while applying for jobs - often at night or at the weekend as he was too busy in the day with the DC. Family stepped in if he had an interview.
• DH worked out the minimum he needed to bring in to keep our house rather than the optimum. He applied for stuff on that basis, prioritising the better-paid jobs where possible. There were more flexible working options around post-covid which opened up jobs further afield.
• The nursery didn't make us pay a long notice period which was kind of them. When your eldest is 3, you should get free hours if your husband is working by then - evening shifts if necessary.
• We claimed CB for the first time. You can claim other benefits unless you have a certain amount of savings.
• We used savings.
• We didn't ask for a mortgage break but that could have been an option.
• We started shopping at Aldi, which has been brilliant.
• We stopped spending on anything that was not essential - food and bills only.
• We tried to see it as an opportunity for DH to spend more time with the DCs for a bit.
• I thought about local babysitting in the evening but you're probably too tired if you're pregnant.

Long-term, the plan is to return to a half way house with less job responsibility for DH, afforded by being more careful with money/ me working more or in a better paid role.

Sorry you're going through this. x

How long until 2 year old is three and gets free nursery hours?
On a practical note, call the mortgage company and ask if they will consider a mortgage holiday. It's worth asking, they can only say no. That would give you breathing space.
Council tax- with a very low income, you might be able to get a reduction. Check online with your council website: eg "County name council tax assistance".

Imagine how he must feel.
This will make it break your marriage. You need to calm down and work together to get through this. It is a family catastrophe, not just your catastrophe.

I can’t believe how many nasty comments you’re getting. Try and stay calm, because its going to be impossible to discuss anything if you’re both angry/upset.

Call the car lease company and tell them you can’t afford it. I’m sure there are ways of handing the car back early.
Call the mortgage company and arrange a mortgage holiday.
See what your outgoings are that you can stop immediately, if you’re out of contract (Sky, Netflix, Disney type things)
If you’re paying any debts or credit cards, call the companies and tell them your situation.
Agree with a PP about calling to find out what benefits you will be able to claim in the meantime.

All of these financial stresses are usually made better by telling the company that you’re currently struggling. It won’t be forever, but the more they know, the more you can see what your options are.

I hope everything works out for you OP.

The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross

Oh do bugger off with this. You don’t go from being happily employed to wanting to “quit the rat race” in 8 months. You don’t go from doing brilliantly at work to being fired for non performance in that time either. 8 months ago he moved house and maximised his mortgage, apparently to be near where he worked, and not at the behest of OP pushing him. His decisions are what put them where they are today, and even if we generously ascribe some sort of epiphany about life changes to him, you don’t batter on with life, get fired then decide you’re giving it all up. You sit and have a discussion with your partner, how can we survive if…?

If the OP has been working P/T to avoid nursery fees and that was the agreement, changing it now just because he feels like it is a really shitty thing to do. What would be the reaction if OP said “see these kids we’ve had, I’m too tired and stressed out to deal with them so I’m just going to quit looking after them and work in Tesco, you can change your life completely to deal with the fall out”?

It is important that a calm discussion now takes place and if he is experiencing some kind of mental health issue that should be resolved. But OP is allowed to be angry that her husband has turned her life upside down, without telling her, and with no real plan for what comes next.

Also, without being dramatic or too blunt, the most important thing is that your husband doesn’t commit suicide. You need to make sure he is ok, as he will be shocked and embarrassed and be feeling guilty.

You can come back from everything else.

Morning op hope this morning you are ok.

There’s so much in this thread and I hope you can step away from any of the personal attacks as none of us know your story etc.

The way I would approach today is to take some practical steps.

1. Can anyone have your toddler to give you some adult time to talk?
2. What happened at work. Was he missing targets? Was it misconduct? That is important for later steps.
3. Have you got any insurances / income protection (depends on 2) and if the dismissal seems unfair week advice
4. Call your mortgage company and ask for a holiday.
5. Find out what benefits you are entitled to and apply
6. Get his cv together
7. Start applications looking for remote or Homebased roles including contract work. Some of those roles pay more because they are short term.
8. Keep looking after yourself

But OP is allowed to be angry that her husband has turned her life upside down, without telling her, and with no real plan for what comes next.

His life’s been turned upside down. That’s extremely harsh.

First find out your options. Call a real estate company and find out what you would get for your house if it was sold or if it was rented out. Find out if your bank would let you rent out your property, often banks will let you without changing to a buy to let loan as long as you are not buying another property and just renting elsewhere. Renting out your house might be a good option if you think it's your forever home and would like to move back in the future.

Then BOTH of you start applying for full time jobs EVERYWHERE. Whoever gets a decent paying job first, that's where you move to. If you have to move again because the other one gets better job, so be it.

But OP is allowed to be angry that her husband has turned her life upside down, without telling her, and with no real plan for what comes next.

This. ^

@Darkestdays I'm sorry for your shit situation - and I can't add anything helpful to what people have said really.

Your posts are living proof though, that it is a dreadful idea to 'max' yourself out with mortgage and debts and loans. This was a popular thing some 25 ish years ago. I know so many people who lost their home and their car, and even their livelihood in some cases. I saw many people file for bankruptcy and lose their home, but they got through it...

Some rented a house privately for a few years and then went into social housing, and a few of them bought again later. But a much cheaper house, with less outgoings. Once bitten etc..........

I think the mortgage lenders have a lot to answer for tbh. Lending people outlandish amounts of money that totally depend on TWO full time salaries, or one very high one! Because there's so much risk of for job loss, and one parent going part time - or finishing work - when they have kids, and extra costs because of those kids!

Not a helpful post sorry OP! I hope you manage to sort this next week. As pps have said, contact DWP and citizens advice bureau, and claim all you are entitled to . Sadly, as you are a homeowner/ mortgage owner, you won't get as much help as if you were renting a property. Unless your DH gets another job soon you are going to go under and will lose your home.

Ignore the shitty comments like 'it's OK for you sailing along on £7K a year' whilst your DH does all the graft. (Fucking cheek!) And ignore people saying 'why don't YOU work more hours?!' You are mother to a 2 year old, and pregnant with your second child. It's fucking ludicrous to suggest you go out and earn more, and anyone saying that to you is taking the piss.

You do have a right to be furious at how your life has been turned upside down, but do try to be a bit more supportive of your DH though, as there must be a reason why all this has happened to him at work. You both need to work together on this...