What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

Can you really be in negative equity with the way house prices are going up ?
Also it may take two of your to work full time on less money , which I know difficult now as your pregnant
Like others have said see what your entitled to , maybe get an estate agent round so you know where you stand

No one is dead.

I really feel for you. It sounds stressful

I think you need to try and get a mortgage holiday and look into benefits

The good news is that job vacancies are at an all time high. Your husband will get something else fairly soon

I think he needs time to process everything but then hopefully he can find the strength to put himself out there again. His pride and confidence have taken a battering

So many jobs are remote so if you live rurally, maybe he can look at roles in cities with a commute 1-2 days per-week?

@Darkestdays so why get pregnant again if you begrudge “doing almost all the parenting of our toddler” you knew his working hours both times you chose to get pregnant. What did you expect?

I've read most of the other replies.

I'm reminded of something JK Rowling said
'I reached rock bottom and so I made rock bottom the foundation of my life'.

This is a big shock for you both. However I would gently suggest you are nowhere near rock bottom, thouigh you may think you are.

The first priority should be your mental and physical health.

It sounds like your partner was very close to a mental breakdown. So if you ask me it is a really good thing that this has happened. Perhaps after you get some sleep you will say this to him. And tell him you love him, if you still do.

Second, I know this is difficult for you, but really you are nowhere near rock bottom here. Take that in. There are millions of families across the country who are making choices between heating and eating here. Not least the millions of refugees who aren't even allowed to work, even if they could. And the millions of kids who can't access mental health services. And the hundreds who commit suicide because their benefits have suddenly been cut and they can't deal with it.

Yes, this is true.

So I may sound very harsh, but compared to that, you are actually very, very priviledged.

Change your mindset and begin to value what you actually have.
Today. And everyday.

You are going to have to do what millions of us have always been doing for years.

Check your bank account everyday.
Do a budget as others have said.
Cut your outgoings.

There is enough information out there to do this.

It is tough being pregnant and experiencing these changes.

But there are far worse things. Believe me.

You are not a single parent, and you have a partner who can help you.
I would say again, it sounds like your partner was in a toxic work environment and for all the money on the planet that is not worth it if like someone has already said, it was driving him to tears and worse.

There is another saying

'A criis is also an opportunity'.

You are not on the breadline. You have resources, an education, and a telephone. As well as a supportive family.

As someone said, you are millionaires.

Change your values. Sounds like your lifestyle was not sustainable any which way you look at it.

@Jaguar77

No one is dead.

This.

I guess all you can do to see what you need to earn is a spreadhsheet of all your expenses and likely future ones
And then what you need to earn so he can see
But like others have said some wfh jobs now so you can be employed further away from a company base
Do you have any family nearby to help you at all

It was a big gamble to move to the location of the job which you say there arnt any more jobs ! No ones job is that secure that you can base your life on it being there forever ! You have overstretched yourself instead of getting something that you could afford if it did go wrong.

Could he retrain ?

Talk to your families if at all possible.

No one is dead

This is relevant how exactly?

@Darkestdays it looks as though he would need to get a job at around +£42k alongside yours that would pay the bills plus food.

Online might be the best option, lots of posts, what line of work is he in.

I haven't read 8 pages OP but what strikes me is that your DH has either had

1 a series of verbal warnings ending in a formal dismissal

2 gross misconduct resulting in instant dismissal

And I assume he is entitled to at least a month's pay or maybe redundancy (but depends on the terms of the 'sacking' and if it's just poor performance or he's done something as a sackable offence.)

Looking quickly at your outgoings- the expensive lease car can go and you could buy a perfectly useable car for not a lot of money.

He needs time to process this experience, then he should register with agencies or make use of his networking contacts to explain he's looking for work.

Do you have any savings to fall back on?

Longer term, I think you both need some financial advice.

Taking on a huge mortgage when he was in a career that was cut-throat, was not the best move.

I know you are angry with him but if you are in this jointly, you both made bad decisions.

Huge mortgage
few savings
cut-throat employer depending on performance
your limited work
2nd baby on the way

Altogether, it adds up to a lot of risk.

A FA would advise you to have at least 6 months' savings to tide you over redundancy and ideally a year of savings.

@tootiredtospeak

Your upset I get it but please he is shouldering all that. Having to support everybody he probably panicked. You dont want to make him feel there is no way out. Be calm and kind say your upset he didnt feel he could share but that's done. Now it's time to be practical and follow all advice above. But that you still love him your a team you will get through it together.

Very good advice. Our dad many years ago got the 'Sack' from a sales job, but it enabled him to go self employed which was a blessing in disguise.

It must be terrifying for anyone to be supporting a wife and two children plus a big new mortgage.

Both need to pull together and help each other.
Men have ended their lives over things like this, because they can't beat the ''Shame'' of having to tell their wife.

Surely someone capable of earning £65k is no slouch, and will be able to find another job quite soon.
Re negative equity... no one knows what way the chips will fall.

house prices in the last year have been so artificially inflated that one wonders if they will dip...but downsizing IS an option.
As is mortgage 'Holiday'.

Im sorry this is happening to you and can emphasise as I was in a similar position, pg, oh lost job mum dying etc

I can give you practice advice on your position and its going to be slightly different priorities for a reason

council tax, as you mentioned this is your priority as its a demand for tax and this will escalate to a larger debt very quickly with court costs and bailiffs costs - but you can prevent this from happening,

Search your council or district council website for council tax relief There should be an online form - enter all the details and there should be a box at the end for further details - in that box just put your Poh has lost his job and you are applying for U.C apply today as then the form and relief will eventually be back dated to today - ignorance of not applying or delaying applying will cost you money

make sure you upload or take into the office all the evidences they ask you for - obviously you can't give the U.C until that arrives.

Then contact council tax office and tell them that you are struggling due to job loss and you have applied for council tax relief but are waiting and so can you lower the payments due for a couple of months until this is in place and you are getting U.C

remember that council tax and council tax relief will not talk to each other - until the reels is added on - so you need to sort both sides

in a couple of months you may need to speak to both again - any money you have set aside, keep safely to pay the council tax

as others have said your mortgage is a priority to keep a roof over your head - but in actual fact not paying your mortgage will not result in court summons and bailiffs charges in the same way not paying the council tax will.

Do apply for U.C

Also contact citiszen advice and see if they can give you other maternity benefits you may be able to apply for

car boots old stuff and selling on gum tree etc will help to keep you busy and proactive

there are plenty of jobs in hospitality in the evening, this isn't going to pay real money will though put food on the table each week and allow the daytime for job hunting

good luck and remember your stronger than you think

I will just add

your OH has had time to know whats happening, he knew this was on the cards and has had time to prepare himself - for you this is a stack dropped on you and you are in shock and both mentally and physically coming to terms with this. Do tell your dh that its a shock and give you a couple of days to digest whats happening and then you can face this together.

@beigebrownblue

I've read most of the other replies.

I'm reminded of something JK Rowling said
'I reached rock bottom and so I made rock bottom the foundation of my life'.

This is a big shock for you both. However I would gently suggest you are nowhere near rock bottom, thouigh you may think you are.

The first priority should be your mental and physical health.

It sounds like your partner was very close to a mental breakdown. So if you ask me it is a really good thing that this has happened. Perhaps after you get some sleep you will say this to him. And tell him you love him, if you still do.

Second, I know this is difficult for you, but really you are nowhere near rock bottom here. Take that in. There are millions of families across the country who are making choices between heating and eating here. Not least the millions of refugees who aren't even allowed to work, even if they could. And the millions of kids who can't access mental health services. And the hundreds who commit suicide because their benefits have suddenly been cut and they can't deal with it.

Yes, this is true.

So I may sound very harsh, but compared to that, you are actually very, very priviledged.

Change your mindset and begin to value what you actually have.
Today. And everyday.

You are going to have to do what millions of us have always been doing for years.

Check your bank account everyday.
Do a budget as others have said.
Cut your outgoings.

There is enough information out there to do this.

It is tough being pregnant and experiencing these changes.

But there are far worse things. Believe me.

You are not a single parent, and you have a partner who can help you.
I would say again, it sounds like your partner was in a toxic work environment and for all the money on the planet that is not worth it if like someone has already said, it was driving him to tears and worse.

There is another saying

'A criis is also an opportunity'.

You are not on the breadline. You have resources, an education, and a telephone. As well as a supportive family.

As someone said, you are millionaires.

Change your values. Sounds like your lifestyle was not sustainable any which way you look at it.

How are they not on the breadline with outgoings £2,500 and income £7000?

Your post is incredibly patronising!

I’ve been in the OPs position. Not sure how you are helping.

You need to calm down. There is loads of remote work at the moment. I’ve just taken a job paying more than your husband on a fully wfh basis and I haven’t worked at all for 10 years.

He needs to update his linked in profile immediately. The recruiters will find him then. There is a massive skill shortage at the moment and I was told repeatedly that it’s a candidates market. That is probably the case for your husband too.

He has 3 months to put in an employment tribunal claim and his dismissal could well be technically unfair even if justified in reality. Check home legal expenses insurance.

I would take this as a wake up call that you need to earn more too as you are living hand to mouth if you can’t survive a couple of months. I’ve been there too by the way and it is a shit stressful way to live..

Honestly wtf is wrong with people on here. Man loses his job but wants to keep all the nice thing they have because his previous job paid so well, but doesn't want to put the effort into finding a similar paid job because he doesn't want the stress. Everyone completely ignores this and berates the pregnant, unwell OP demanding she ups her hours to full time so the poor man isn't so stressed. I mean ffs! It's just a fucking joke sometimes!

It could be a mortgage early repayment charge, so not strictly interest but a similar-feeling fee to him. They can be high (5%?) but the mortgage may also be portable to another house if you move area. Small print needs reading, basically.

There are two or three timescales here: keep your heads above water right now, maybe make it a bit more comfortable, and find something that works for you all longer term. That’s both financial and mental health. I’d echo the advice of others of not rushing (expensive) decisions if you can help it and taking the time to figure out what’s next, even if that means a lower paid local job initially.

Have either of you considered getting an HGV license?

Has the OP said they have no money?

They both need to work as a team on this.

This situation is sadly, the result of fairly reckless planning (or rather no planning) where huge debts (mortgage) were being paid by one person.

That's fine if they had a nest egg of 6 months' savings to pay out in the event of him losing his job.

OP- do you have parents who could help you out with a loan?

I would get the house valued and take it from there.

I was in this exact situation 2 weeks ago. Although he told me straight away. My husband applied for a lot of jobs just to get some money coming in and has managed to get a 28k one which will help tide us over until he can get more money again. You are in shock right now and I'll be honest there are going to so many emotions to work through. I still had a little cry last night. We were meant to be buying a house next year and we'll that's not going to happen now. We also have 15k of debt which would have been payed off. The first thing I did was sob down the phone to my mum and tried not to do that in front of my husband. I am now trying to see the positives that he will get another job that is better hours and yes may not pay as much but he will be happier for it. You may need to look for a job too. For some luck I had actually started working full time only 3 weeks ago Although I only earn 21k it'll be enough to see us through. I haven't read any other replies yet but I just know how you are feeling right now. In 3 weeks you are going to OK.

You could rent out your house potentially as a temporary solution until either you are not in a negative equity situation or you can afford to move back in
Unfortunately you should request immediately to return full time to work. Your husband can look after the elder DC. You will then have the advantage of being on maternity pay at a full time rate. Act now on that. You cannot expect you husband to automatically default as the massive breadwinner vs you continuing as a low wage part time in these circumstances. It broke my heart to do that myself, and leave the little one with him, but it was the quickest and most straightforward way to ensure we could pay bills.
He then needs to get jobs- any jobs to tide you over . Set an expectation that he gets some work, even PT by 4 weeks time. There are jobs - vacancies are at all time highs. He may need to do 2 lower paid jobs at less stress but lower wage to bring in enough,
Then you need a frank discussion about his long term prospects and goals. People don’t get dismissed overnight for being in cut throat business and suddenly not performing in comparison to others. He will almost certainly have been on a performance improvement program, and this will have been an ongoing discussion for months or years. If it genuinely isn’t then get a solicitor quick. He needs to be honest with himself and you about his performance issues and why he could not meet their expectations- identify his genuine strengths and true weaknesses. Then carefully decide what work he is really suited and qualified for. Look at potential for retraining. It is not unlikely that his inability to do the job has contributed to his stress and then it becomes a viscous circle. He has to be realistic and you need to understand what the implication of that are as a couple. You then need to do your part- what then could you do to increase your earnings and how can you put a plan in place now to achieve that say within 2-5 years. It became very clear 8 years into our marriage that I was far better at achieving high salary than my partner- and that my ability to stay in work was easier for me. I ended up doing that for 20 plus years. I didn’t like it, I was stressed a lot, becuase unfortunately I was still doing the emotional labour in the family, and a demanding job, and was occasionally resentful, ( I expect more men than let on feel the same as main breadwinners), but I had to suck it up for the sake of my marriage and family.
Whenever my husband lost his job in our early marriage I felt panic, anger and sick. Waking up each morning to the dread and fear. It is awful. Part of that is the fear - of not knowing what will happen and how bills will be paid and where you will live. The only way to get rid of those emotions is to start to regain some control over events by putting actions into place. The sooner you do that the sooner you will get back on a stable footing. It will get better- you are essentially going through a grieving process because of the loss of your dreams and expectations. You have to build new dreams and expectations and that will take a little while
Good luck

Good point re LinkedIn, it’s really easy to make connections to the right people, he can make himself ‘open to work’ and start making himself known.