What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

I get it OP. He has had weeks to process this and you've only just found out. Of course you are panicked.

He wants a less stressful job so is looking at those at £20k but not getting it that he cannot afford to take a job like this and keep the house.

I came out of my mortgage early and paid £4k. Or could perhaps port it over to the new place. Or some lenders give you 6 months grace between paying early and taking out another one.

Oh OP I’m so sorry.

So many people have offered some really good advice.

We went through the exact same thing - except it was my wife who at the time was the higher earner was unfairly let go. She was pregnant, mother dying of cancer, my business was on the verge of collapse and we had just literally bought a house and mortgaged up to the eyeballs.

But just as horrible, awful and world shattering things happen - so do amazing wonderful things. Right when you least expect it.

Please don’t make any knee jerk decisions based on thinking you are f*cked. You are so far from it. Just take a moment to breathe so you can calmly and strategically plan your next move.

As for taking a Mortgage break - please think carefully about this. We were in the exact same situation and almost took one - but thankfully decided against it. If you need to move or get your mortgage ported it can make life difficult. Things will improve quicker than you think.

Your Husband will find work, you will have a beautiful new baby and this horrible seaming situation will end up bringing you closer together and stronger.

I know things may seem dark - but all you need is enough light for the step you are on xxx

He needs to start applying for jobs ASAP, apply for contribution based job seekers allowance as well as universal credit ASAP. It won’t be much but every little helps. Increasing your hours to only 16 can make a big difference to to universal credit. Here’s a calculator: entitledto.org.uk
Ring the mortgage provider and ask for a payment holiday ASAP.

If he was earning £65k he can earn

If he is at home,

Almost exactly 9 years ago this happened to me. I was pregnant, suffering from HG and looking after a toddler. My DH was “managed” out of his job by his new boss and our whole world came crashing down. My DH was not on the same type of money and our mortgage was not as big but relatively it was around the same. It was a pretty shit couple of years but it did get better. We became as thrifty as possible and went back to basics on everything. Not ideal when you have a newborn at all but it is doable.

It is a massive shock for both him and you but to get through this you need to both work together. Go through every outgoing with a fine toothcomb, set a food budget and if you need to reduce childcare then look at that too. Apply for benefits and start job hunting. It is a candidate market at the moment and recruiters are gagging for people so he has that on his side.
Good luck and there will be light at the end of the tunnel - you just need to go through a bit more of the tunnel.

She's pregnant with HG and a toddler and won't be able to work 16 hours, or any hours, for some time to come. The answer is not "increasing her hours".

I have not read the whole thread, but a few points stand out

1. he did not choose this, he is not to blame

2. you are not earning anything like enough yourself, op, you need to step up massively

3. 65K is a huge amount, most families manage very happily on well under half of that

4. You probably have mortgage insurance, if not, then you are as culpable for that as your husband

5. You can sell the house and downsize, if you are in a house you can no longer afford, then that is what people do. The house is still there! It can be sold. Its not like the house has fallen down or something

6. There are more jobs available now than ever before

7. Your life has not fallen apart. Unless your whole life was based on the monatory value of your husband, in which case it wasn't much of a life anyway, was it?

8. If you have a healthy family you are a millionaire

I don't care if this is an unpopular opinion, but basically, other than it might be a bit of a shock, what you need to be doing is supporting and comforting your husband, and asking yourself why he couldn't tell you.

And planning for the future together

and I am sure the future is going to be great

As well as speaking to your mortgage provider, get on the phone to all your other providers, eg insurance too. They will often do something to help (eg life assurance may be willing to reduce your cover and associated premiums, but with the ability to reinstate them later at the same price - which is worth considering)

Definitely look at stopping nursery too. Again, worth speaking to them to see what they can do - depending on what you need. Maybe they would waive the notice period if they can fill the place. Maybe they will keep the place open for you for a month (if you need to cut costs now but hope DH will get another job soon). Maybe not, but worth asking.

If you stop nursery and your DH does get a job, are you far enough along that you can take early maternity leave?

By the time you found a buyer and somewhere to buy you could easily make completion date after the 12 months do not have a penalty to pay.

Gives you both time to make a calmer decision and him to find a new job.

OP we bought a house (all be it 20 years ago now) and ended up getting out the mortgage (by paying a fee) and selling it a year later and made 50 grand. That's all down to the housing market moving so fast at the time but you'll not necessarily be in negative equity or huge debt for years if you sell the house. What deposit did you put down on the house? Did you pay over the odds for the house? What are the terms of your mortgage? What are house prices doing in your area? Do you have any savings?

My advice would be to cancel any subscriptions and anything that costs you money that you can. Tell your OH to get in a positive frame of mind and start looking for new jobs, people lose high pressure jobs all the time and find new ones especially in sales (don't know if he's in sales) - people also commute an hour or two all the time, my OH did for years, living rurally is not an excuse. If he's been in a highly paid. high stress job he probably has a lot of skills that will be transferable even if he's been working in a niche role.

It might be worth talking to someone like stepchange they're a gov debt charity that I've heard a lot of good things about - I know you're not in debt but they might be able to give you advice to stop you ending up in debt. They might be able to organise interest holidays, or tell you when to talk to the bank about your situation and help you make a plan.

budget planner

Use this budget planner to work out your finances. You’ll be able to see where your money is going, and maybe work out realistically how much you need to earn between you to afford your lifestyle (or a scaled down version)..

I appreciate that you are in shock now, whilst your dh has had time to come to dp term with it.

I’m a bit sceptical that they let him go so easily, in this day and age, it’s not that easy to get rid of people. He would have had to have several meetings before the final one. Has he kept this from you? You have to do something really outrageous to be sacked on the spot.

dismissing staff guidelines

Taking in a lodger will bring in £100-£200 a week depending on location.

Ditch nursery - hubby can look after toddler.

Ah I'm sorry op, I think you are quite rightly very shocked and panicking. He's known longer than you and that is very frustrating when you could have spent this time making a plan together. But what's done is done, you know now so you can't start actioning.
I would firstly take a mortgag holiday for a couple of months to give yourself a breather.
See if there's a possibility to up your hours temporarily while you're not at the far end of your pregnancy.
Support your DHs attempts to find a less stressful job but keep reiterating that a 20k career is not going to afford your lifestyle. Either you sell your home and buy a cheaper one or he looks for things with a higher salary.
He must be doing something pretty high level at 65k so even taking into account a probable pay cut he could be looking at jobs around the 40k mark.
Your life hasn't fallen apart - it's going to be a hurdle for a few months certainly, but there are options.
Hang on in there and try and be supportive rather than angry because it's more productive.

A couple of people have mentioned it, but it bears repeating - are you insured for loss of income?

Usually there are only two routes to dismissal after you have been employed for 2 years. Conduct or Capability.

Conduct can be a fast dismissal.
Capability is a much longer process involving personal improvement plans, performance targets and regular meetings to monitor. In my industry this can take months. It certainly can't happen after one meeting. If it has you will have a case for unfair dismissal. Please investigate this. Find out his company's capability process.

If his company have taken him correctly through the capability process then it's highly likely that his performance was below standard.

If he was working 6 days a week and evenings and still not performing then he may not be in the right role for him, but it could be that he just didn't fit into that company or culture.

I imagine he will also be highly stressed. Hopefully everything is out in the open. Take an honest look at your finances. Examine your outgoings and your debts. Read your mortgage paperwork to understand your debt and early repayment fees. I would avoid talking to them until you know if you definitely need a repayment holiday. This should be a last choice. Have you any savings? Income protection insurance? Family who could help?

He needs to update his LinkedIn profile.

There are lots of roles that are WFH, so your location is not necessarily a show-stopper.

I'm surprised at some of the harsh replies on here OP because I don't think you deserve them.
You've had a huge shock thrown at you on top of your sickness and exhaustion etc and of course you wouldn't take it calmly, give him a cheery hug and say, 'Don't worry love, of course you can get a lower paid job and still have this current lifestyle!' Madness!
He's had a few weeks to try to process what's happened, you haven't. You've literally just had it thrown at you last night!

I hope you managed to sleep a bit and are able to try to sort out this mess with him soon. Firstly though, he needs to be honest about why he had the disciplinary in the first place. Best of luck

When did you ever see each other if he worked all evening and weekends? Is he a chef?

Your DH sounds (understandably) stressed about losing his job. It also sounds like the job itself stressed him out and he’d benefit from being in a different role. You need to support him rather than sneering at him getting a job that pays £20k and not £65k.

Can you breakdown the £2500 outgoings per month? If you get rid of the “expensive lease car” and nursery fees, what are you left with? You’re only on £7k a year so it’s probably more cost effective for you to be a SAHM for the time being.

Their is such a terrible shock - much more for you than for him, as it sounds like there might have been a warning shot with the disciplinary. Your DH has got to give you tat to catch up. He’s had at least a few weeks to get used to it and you’ve got to deal with the fact he didn’t tell you immediately. This would be tough at any time, but must be beyond awful when pregnant.

I would get a fresh notebook and start writing lists. It always helps me feel more in control. I’d have lists of outgoings, outgoings that can be reassessed, outgoings that can be cancelled. List of immediate things you can do to save money. List of things you can sell to make money. List of options to explore (sell house / get out of car contract / unfair dismissal).

I know he’s saying he wants new salary / same lifestyle, but that’s presumably a defensive position. He’s desperately trying to say it doesn’t have to change anything. But of course it does.

Also, although it sounded harsh, a PP was sadly right. Don’t go in too hard for too long at him. People can do awful things in moments like this that the can’t change. And nothing is worth that.

Best of luck.

Loads of good advice on here. Check employment law and make sure his company followed due process. Are they offering him a redundancy payment etc? That can tide you over for a bit.
Separately and not urgent right now, but your name should be on the mortgage. It doesn’t ring true what you said about your inclusion affecting the mortgage repayment rates. Your situation is not dissimilar to thousands of SAHPs all over the country, but I’ve never heard of the SAHP being advised not to have their name on the mortgage. You’ve received poor advice. Make sure you get your name on it.

As many PP have said you have a few avenues to explore

I would put your notice in the nursery. Get rid of that expense

Try and calmly understand what has happened at work . Speak to a lawyer. Some places do the first 30 mins free. Depending on what he has done, pay out might be on the cards. Did they follow all the procedures?

Remote working. Loads of those jobs nowadays. Needs to start looking. Doesn't need to be high flying for now as he sounds mentally on the edge.

Ask for break on the mortgage .

Get an evaluation on the house

@captainpillows

A couple in my neighbourhood, they had it all, huge fantastic house, he had his own business, living the dream 4 weeks ago he killed himself. While I understand the house, the lifestyle, the lease car, nursery fees etc are all that's on your mind.... put yourself in his shoes and cut him some slack Male depression is a truly dreadful thing, you're talking like there are no solutions at all There are, and whatever you do, support him.

I really agree with this. And with the other posters saying similar. Remember to support him. This will make all the difference to him. He must feel dreadful. Also remember- you will get through this. This will be resolved somehow. So try to be kind and loving despite your shock. You will work this out.

I wouldn’t ditch nursery if you can manage m. You need the stable childcare if you want your husband to pick up a job quickly. That will be much harder if you lose your place and can’t get another.

OP you've had some massively harsh responses on here, totally unjustified.

It's completely normal for one partner to be a high earner and one partner to earn much less and work PT, especially when she is busy being pregnant and looking after a toddler. It's not as easy as 'increase your income' or 'increase your hours'. I work PT and couldn't just phone up tomorrow tomorrow to say 'I'll work full time from now on, thanks!' OP likes her job, she's about to go on mat leave, she has childcare responsibilities and HG. 'Just go FT' is really not gonna be easy and doesn't solve the overall problem.

£65k was a good salary there's no doubt but the fact is it's not the household income any more, and it's not so much that they were living some wildly OTT lifestyle. They bought a house within their means at the time, with help that was available to them at the time. Their situation has changed.

Higher incomes bring out the worst of the jealous on MN. So what if many families survive on much less? That's not in any way relevant as they are not the OP, with the OPs committments and outgoings. Our household income is much higher than the OPs but it's irrelevant, I'd still be absolutely bricking it and super stressed in her position, just as I would be on minimum wage or anywhere in between.

Anyway - OP you are not in any way to blame for this, it's a shitty situation. That said his previous job sounds stressful and time consuming and maybe this is the forced fresh start he needs to shake up his working life and start something new. He does need to be realistic though.

Try to pull together as a team and calmly figure out some options. You can get through this together.