What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

I am stunned at how fucking vile some people are on this thread.

all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to)

Sure. Choosing to look after a toddler because they can’t afford childcare is exactly the same as choosing to quit “the rat race”.

The father enabled the mother to look after their child. That’s a new one on me. How magnanimous of him. Was he offering to do it if she hadn’t?

JinglingHellsBells I looked at the Help To Buy rules and it is possible in some situations. However, if it wasn't, then it also says that lodgers are not allowed either.

It makes sense that it is not allowed as the scheme is meant to help you buy your own home, not buy one and let it out.

I did say that they might not pass referencing , but some agents might take a view and accept them on the rental income from their own property. I work for an EA and we have done it several times and it has always worked out OK, but yes, you have a point that it might not.

I was thinking that hopefully the DH would have some sort of employment by the time they rented.

[quote Derbee]@Blossomtoes you either think partners should be honest with each other or you think that lying to “protect” is admirable.[/quote]
Life isn’t that black and white. There are a lot of shades of grey between those two extremes. Clearly you live in a completely unnuanced world.

Gazelda
TheFormidableMrsC

Well said.

Take a breath.

Be thankful nobody's died or has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.

Plan a way forward together and stop putting all the blame on him.

You wanted to live in your beautiful rural dream-home too and you both obviously didn't think it through properly in terms of potential job loss and contingency planning etc.

Oh come on.
Yes the DH kept the fact he was losing and then had lost his job from the OP, but that’s hardly on the scale of adultery! No one has said he was right to do this, or that lying is “normal”

No one is saying to admire him. All anyone has expressed is concern for both him and OP. He’s showing several red flags indicating poor mental health and OP is rightly in shock and upset with him.

Saying to the OP that they need to be a team and support each other to get through their financial crisis is pragmatic and good advice. It’s largely coming from people who have lived through similar situations, I know I have. My DH lost his job at the start of the pandemic due to racism. He was out of work for 11 months. So I don’t for a second assume that because a person has been disciplined and lost their job that that means they have definitely done anything wrong.

And even if he did underperform, OP said it was a cut throat industry so it’s going to shed numerous people who tried their hardest but just could not compete. Again, that doesn’t make the DH lazy or having “pissed away his job”.

@Blossomtoes such nonsense from you. Lying by omission is lying. There’s no excuse for OP’s husband going through a disciplinary procedure and being sacked WITHOUT her knowledge. You think there is, and he lied to protect her. I think it’s
disgraceful and has put them into a more difficult position because OP is 3 weeks behind, and STILL doesn’t know the full story. But I guess that’s fine, as the noble guy is protecting her. What a hero.

Won’t be responding to you again, because clearly we won’t agree.

Saying to the OP that they need to be a team and support each other to get through their financial crisis is pragmatic and good advice. It’s largely coming from people who have lived through similar situations,

This. We had a very similar situation a few years ago occasioned by a full blown nervous breakdown. Slinging blame about would have made it a million times worse.

He hasn’t lied to her, he’s attempted to protect her by not telling her.

Lmao no he hasn't, he was protecting himself from having to take responsibility for his situation. If he was protecting OP he would have either been honest straight away so they could talk it through together, or tried to find another job as soon as he had a whiff that his was going south. He's been a coward.

PlanDeRaccordement

HE WAS SACKED THROUGH A Disciplinary

Places dont sack someone after 6 years for no reason.
Hes had months to tell the op,as he had countless warnings.
Also he might have got the mortgage knowing all this.

@Darkestdays
needs help and understanding not a big fucking pile on from people who are bored on a Saturday.

@BoredZelda

I’m not surprised he is upset.

You’re not surprised he is upset that the OP is angry that it took him 3 weeks (presumably of him going out and pretending to go to work) to tell her he has lost his job and wants to give it all up to do a low wage job but still wants to keep the big house and nice car? Really?

Quite! I can't understand why the OP has been given a hard time on here!

There’s no excuse for OP’s husband going through a disciplinary procedure and being sacked WITHOUT her knowledge.

Agree, but focusing on anger and who’s at blame for the situation doesn’t help the OP. She asked for advice on what to do to handle the crisis. Telling her to rage at her DH is counterproductive and will hurt their ability to come through this. It is evident that the DH realises he made a very bad mistake not telling the OP. Anger and blame won’t keep a roof over their heads or put food on the table. Working together will.

That's a very balanced assessment PlanDeRaccordement

@BorderlineHappy

PlanDeRaccordement

HE WAS SACKED THROUGH A Disciplinary

Places dont sack someone after 6 years for no reason.
Hes had months to tell the op,as he had countless warnings.
Also he might have got the mortgage knowing all this.

@Darkestdays
needs help and understanding not a big fucking pile on from people who are bored on a Saturday.

YES THEY FUCKING DO. I have seen it happen. Due to racism, ageism, xenophobia, being pregnant, being a woman. It happens. And enforcement against such illegal discrimination is a joke. You are very naive if you think that no employer ever abuses the disciplinary process

@GatoradeMeBitch

And the vipers strike again. I hope some of you (especially with the female names) aren't actually women, because that's a really depressing thought.

She explained several times that her DH is the materialistic one and that her main problem was that he fully intended to keep their big house and luxe lifestyle without an accompanying career. (And with that mindset I can begin to guess why he might have lost his career once he achieved the house.)

Vile trolls - "Wow, where is your support for you poor husband? Merrily sailing along on your 7k, only worried about your hair and nails, while your poor poor husband works himself into the grave."

Strawman arguments to attack a sick and heavily pregnant woman who has just had a horrible shock. But fuck her, right? There's a man to be supported!

A couple of threads I've read in the last few days have made me wonder if some of the increasingly anti-women posts are really written by women. I hope not.

@PlanDeRaccordement I haven’t told the OP to rage at her husband. I’ve offered practical advice and told her the main thing is that her husband doesn’t commit suicide. Everything else they will be able to come back from.

What is irritating is the number of posters acting as though this man is just a victim, and has been protecting his wife by pretending to go out to work for 3 bloody weeks

The rampant misogyny on this thread is really alarming. People who are feeling sorry for the husband who (a) did something that got him fired, (b) lied about it and now (c) won't face facts, rather than the wife who is working, looking after a toddler and is pregnant while puking her guts up multiple times a day for weeks on end... I don't get it. I have zero sympathy for him. People don't just get fired for no reason. It must have been gross misconduct. His whole family will now be paying the price.

Hi. This is a shock.

Firstly, if you've been in your house 8 months, it will likely have gone up in value. Have it valued by an estate agent to rent out or sell.
Speak to a (free) mortgage advisor about your options for selling and renting.
Look at your current capital and work out how many months you have saved to live off. Plan from there when you need to move/downsize etc.
Can you rent your house out and move to rent something a lot cheaper?
Personally like you I'd rather plan a scaled back lifestyle ASAP rather than face mortgage non-payments and repossession.

[quote Derbee]@PlanDeRaccordement I haven’t told the OP to rage at her husband. I’ve offered practical advice and told her the main thing is that her husband doesn’t commit suicide. Everything else they will be able to come back from.

What is irritating is the number of posters acting as though this man is just a victim, and has been protecting his wife by pretending to go out to work for 3 bloody weeks[/quote]
No you haven’t. That’s why I did not address my post to you specifically. I know I did repeat a lot of what you did say as well, so I apologise I should have made it more clear my post was a general “come on everyone” it wasn’t meant to be directed at you personally.

People don't just get fired for no reason.

They really do. Why do you think people win employment tribunals?

OP: "I'm the primary carer for a young child, pregnant with a second, and I work part time earning 7k"

Mumsnet: "lazy cow. Just go and get one of those 65k jobs for yourself. Yesterday" 🤔😕🤷‍♀️🤣🤣🤣

Afternoon,

Just a little empathy and reassurance.
My husband was made redundant end of July and my DD was born October. We had moved into a bigger, more expensive house at the beginning of July. I could almost have written your post.

I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the worry about how we were going to keep a roof over our heads and feed our kids. The injustice of losing the maternity leave I'd invisioned. It's SO hard and I'm sorry you're going through this.

My husband was able to start his own business and is now on a better salary, contracting remotely. I never thought I'd say it but it's honestly one of the best things that ever happened to us. He's home most days, has an amazing bond with the kids, it's less stressful and better paid.

If starting a business or going self employed is an option for him - do it!!

I was hauled right into a disciplinary for gross misconduct/criminal offences and was told I would lose my job.

I stopped the meeting until I could get a rep.

Bullying colleague came up with something so ruddy outlandish and they believed him.

I kept my job because he backed down in another meeting (and I could catalogue his bullying) but I lost my reputation and any chance of promotion. I know I’m thought of as ‘trouble’.

It can and does happen without much of anything.

That is why he has to be completely honest with OP. If it has been a series of meetings or gross misconduct, it might affect a job in the same field.

Or he might have some recourse.

Even OP won’t know that until he tells her.