What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

Hey hun, hope you're okay! Don't listen to these internet bullies that have nothing better to do with their miserable lives! It sounds like you're going through a tough time and you both need to sit down and have a chat about what you need to do once he gets over the initial shock of being fired. In the meantime, see if you can up your hours or get a second job, so that he can stay at home until he gets another job and you can potentially save on childcare if he's home and keep the house for now. Also maybe see if you can get a mortgage holiday, since you're pregnant and your circumstances have changed. That will give you a little time to get your affairs in order xx

OP I'm really sorry that you have been given such a hard time by some posters. This must be a lot to take in and you haven't had a lot of time to process it. If it were me I would immediately do the following,

Find out if DH is going to receive any pay out at all
Contact your mortgage company and apply for a mortgage holiday if you're able
Apply for Child Benefit and Universal Credit
Increase your hours if you're able to
Work out all your outgoings and see what you can cut
Look at returning the lease car
Work out how long your savings (if you have any) will last

Moneysavingexpert.com is a really good website and has a great forum where you will get some good advice.

@Darkestdays you are getting a really hard time on this thread by people who have probably not rtft.

Hes had probably months knowing this was going to happen.
And he kept his head buried in the sand.Just as hes doing now.

Theres 2 things i would do.
[1] Find out why he was sacked.
You need to before you can move on.

[2].Go through all your financials really carefully.
You have been too trusting but know you need to know the whole truth.

I really hope it works out for you.

What a shock OP, & some shocking unsupportive responses. As you've said, once you've both processed the shock, there are some practical things you can do such as contacting mortgage provider, considering a lodger or renting your house out, & agree next steps. The important thing as that it's out in the open now, & you can tackle it together

Some of you nasty bullies on here need to take a long hard look at yourselves. Someone panicking, pregnant, ill and worried is being picked at by a bunch of vicious vultures. You are a disgrace and the reason Mumsnet has a shitty reputation.

OP, I hope you are feeling better today. You have had some good advice amongst the nasty replies so make note of that. Sending a big hug and if you need to vent feel free to message me.

@GatoradeMeBitch

And the vipers strike again. I hope some of you (especially with the female names) aren't actually women, because that's a really depressing thought.

She explained several times that her DH is the materialistic one and that her main problem was that he fully intended to keep their big house and luxe lifestyle without an accompanying career. (And with that mindset I can begin to guess why he might have lost his career once he achieved the house.)

Vile trolls - "Wow, where is your support for you poor husband? Merrily sailing along on your 7k, only worried about your hair and nails, while your poor poor husband works himself into the grave."

Strawman arguments to attack a sick and heavily pregnant woman who has just had a horrible shock. But fuck her, right? There's a man to be supported!

No this is your interpretation.

OP said and I quote:

"He's going on about not wanting the stress anymore and saying he just wants an easy job, looking at things online that scrape £20k."

Gosh how dare a man expect to scrape by

"We had our dream home, we're living comfortably and we're expanding our family and now it's all fucked."

This doesn't sound like he's the one wanting a luxe life

@Thedishwasherstacker. Sorry if the HGV suggestion sounded flippant, it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve just been seeing in the media that there’s a chronic shortage of HGV drivers and thought it could be an option for her DH. It’s a skilled job and of course he may not get his license- but it’s worth looking into, IYSWIM.

Can some of the money experts here help me out?

The OP says they used Help to Buy and they have shared ownership of the house.

(I assume this means it cannot be rented out as 20% isn't theirs anyway.)

There are various HTB schemes, the most recent of which came into effect in April 2021.

That can't be the OP as they bought 8 months ago, which would be earlier.

I thought HTB had a cap of £250K and was only available for first time buyers, not anyone moving up from their own home.

This is quite an important point here, and would cast a whole new light on their outgoings and size of mortgage v income.

Anyone up to date on this? (The OP says she doesn't understand either.)

@cricketmum84

I too wonder how he supported you to work part time and not being in much money yet now the tables have turned you are angry at him and not supporting him.

I get that you are worrying about your lifestyle, I mean you won't be able to get your hair and nails done anymore will you. But do you know what if your husband has left a high stress, high pressure job that doesn't bring as much money in you could be ya know a little bit happy for him? Support him? Understand that this is maybe what he needs? Just like only working 15 hours a week is what you needed.

(My DH was utterly miserable in his high paid job. He changed careers and earned a lot less and I upped my hours and luckily secured a promotion. He is a million times happier now)

It's a two way partnership. And your family's happiness comes before material possessions.

Have you actually read the op’s posts?? I hope that if you ever find yourself in her position you get more support and empathy than you have given her…..actually I don’t, you don’t deserve any. Her dh hasn’t just chosen to leave his job, which you would know if you had read her posts, he has had a disciplinary and lost it through something he has/hasn’t done.

You are a nasty, cruel and ignorant person. You have tried to twist (UNFAIRLY) everything she has said round so you can criticise her. If you can’t say anything kind and supportive to the op, in the awful position she has suddenly found herself in, please just piss off.

"Who mentioned keeping the lifestyle and the car? Not me!! Not FUCKING ONCE!!!"

Erm...
"We had our dream home, we're living comfortably"

he is losing his job following a disciplinary process

You made that up @thedancingbear. OP has never mentioned a disciplinary process.

@Blossomtoes

he is losing his job following a disciplinary process

You made that up @thedancingbear. OP has never mentioned a disciplinary process.

Er, it’s in the OP He had a formal disciplinary a week ago.

Exactly

I didn’t have a pcp. I had a lease agreement from the manufacturers finance arm. We sold to a third party and pocketed the difference between the termination payment and the amount the third party paid.

The finance company didn’t want to let us do this by the way and wanted the car to go to auction or direct to their dealer. I pointed out this was both inequitable and unfair and once I got past their first line of support to their legal dept they conceded.

I’m sure your agreement does call for huge payments to be made but there is probably also a set off clause somewhere else in the agreement and even if their isn’t finance companies are under a general obligation to act fairly.

@Darkestdays.

Does he have insurance i.e. Income protection insurance and mortgage protection insurance.. This will tide you over for the first year.

@Blossomtoes

he is losing his job following a disciplinary process

You made that up @thedancingbear. OP has never mentioned a disciplinary process.

From the OP:

He had a formal disciplinary a week ago

I await your apology.

Teacher training for September in a shortage subject with a bursary

Or any other on the job paid training

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary?

im not surprised he is upset.

Please don’t leave because of a few hurtful comments, ignore it, there has been really helpful advice too.

Please come back. None of this is your fault at all, you have been deceived and I’m on your side 100%.

Your husband is deluded.

It is a nasty one isn't it

Ever noticed how the nasty “you SAHMs are just lazy and entitled” seem to happen more at a weekend. I wonder who is less likely to be working with more time on their hands at the weekend?🤔

I’m not surprised he is upset.

You’re not surprised he is upset that the OP is angry that it took him 3 weeks (presumably of him going out and pretending to go to work) to tell her he has lost his job and wants to give it all up to do a low wage job but still wants to keep the big house and nice car? Really?

There’s an enormous middle ground between £20k and £65k. If he’s been used to working 6 days in a cutthroat industry, a £40k job in something more middle of the road will probably immediately feel more manageable. Equally, for you there’s a middle ground between 15 hours a week and full time. You won’t need nursery while on maternity leave, so that’s a bill that can drop off for a while in the medium term. And I’d be trying to get out of the car lease immediately, before the house.

It’s an enormous amount of pressure being, effectively, the sole breadwinner. Thinking about a longer term plan where childcare and earning are split more equally in future may help.

We sold to a third party and pocketed the difference between the termination payment and the amount the third party paid.

The finance company didn’t want to let us do this by the way and wanted the car to go to auction or direct to their dealer. I pointed out this was both inequitable and unfair and once I got past their first line of support to their legal dept they conceded.

How did you sell a car you never owned and never had documentation for?

It's exactly the same as hiring a car and then selling it. You have absolutely no equity in, or ownership of, a vehicle on PCH lease. It belongs fully to the lease co' you're renting it from at all times.

So to do what you're saying they did, they must have transferred ownership to you before receiving their money. Otherwise you couldn't have sold it.

Whatever you did it wasn't a termination of a standard PCH lease.

I know you've said you're rural. Can you take in a lodger? Income from that isn't taxed, don't know if it would affect your benefits or house insurance etc.

I think you need to have an open and honest conversation about the kind of life he actually wants. It sounds to me like it would be better to downsize and have him in a job where he earns significantly less but isnt out of his depth.