What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

I've had HG, I think a very high percentage of women who have it are left with lifelong PTSD. Most people have no clue whatsoever how hard it is.
It sounds to me like you have every right to be angry. People are allowed to get angry when someone parks in their parking space, but you are out of order?
Mumsnet is so strange. I don't blame you for not coming back.

@nomoneytreehere

You got £5k back? On a lease? For what?

If it was a genuine, standard PCH lease, there wouldn't be £5k 'surplus' with the lease co' to give back. No chance. It's not how it works. It's a hire car.

Are you talking about PCP, which loads of other people on here also seem to think is leasing?

I've just read our lease agreements - we currently have 3 (with DD's that we pay) and have had over a dozen over the years.

We had one that was 95% of all payments, another 90%. Current ones are between 50% and 75%.

This, from carlease.uk.com explains it:

Ending Contract Hire Early...

If you have a contract hire vehicle, this will be a fixed term agreement which is usually based on 24, 36 or 48 months.

The nature of contract hire is that it is a fixed agreement and you are expected to fulfil the contract; consider that the monthly rental you are paying has been calculated using the term you required. In instances where you wish to end the term early (known as “early termination”), you will normally have to pay a minimum of 50% (half) of the remaining rentals. With some finance companies you will have to pay all of the remaining rentals in order to early terminate the vehicle.

Carwow

If you have a personal contract hire (PCH) agreement, or a car lease, it’s much more difficult to get out of the agreement before the end.

In some cases you may have to pay off your whole leasing agreement – even if you return the car early.

If you truly had some very specific, non-standard PCH contract (which I can't imagine) then that's not helpful to the OP.

Hi haven't RTFT just all your posts so sorry if already suggested but could you take in 1 or 2 lodgers? I know you said you live rurally but maybe there would still be a market for it. We had a couple of lodgers for a while, I thought I would hate it but they largely kept themselves to themselves and it was fine. Our DS was around 2 then too.

Sounds terrifying though. My DH rang me (at work) to tell me he had been made redundant when I was around 12 weeks pregnant with twins, it was horrible, I thought, we'll have 3 children, we can't even downsize. He sprang into action though and found another job contracting and did get redundancy pay as well so it worked out - but I didn't know it would at the time.

Definitely ensure due process has been followed getting rid of him as he might be entitled to something to buy you a bit of time.

Good luck, I absolutely understand how awful this is for you. xx

@thedancingbear

He hasn't lost his job though. He has pissed it away through an act or acts of gross misconduct, whilst his wife is unwell and pregnant.

I deal with HR stuff for work and I know just how difficult it is to move someone on who is not cutting the mustard. Gross misconduct is a really high bar.

He's a grade a cunt.

Wow, a bit harsh. I mean I agree with a pp that he can't have just been pulled in and sacked for nothing, but cut the guy some slack!

And gross misconduct is not a 'really high bar.' I have known people sacked for nicking a PEN from work, or writing a critical post on facebook! Just coz you work for HR (allegedly,) that doesn't make your version of the truth 'total gospel.'

MN is always vicious to SAHMs or women who earn less than their husbands. Nowhere did the OP come off as a spoilt princess. She is just in shock and needed to vent. Unfortunately AIBU is a terrible place to vent.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@thedancingbear

He hasn't lost his job though. He has pissed it away through an act or acts of gross misconduct, whilst his wife is unwell and pregnant.

I deal with HR stuff for work and I know just how difficult it is to move someone on who is not cutting the mustard. Gross misconduct is a really high bar.

He's a grade a cunt.

Wow, a bit harsh. I mean I agree with a pp that he can't have just been pulled in and sacked for nothing, but cut the guy some slack!

And gross misconduct is not a 'really high bar.' I have known people sacked for nicking a PEN from work, or writing a critical post on facebook! Just coz you work for HR (allegedly,) that doesn't make your version of the truth 'total gospel.'[/quote]
Completely agree. The most unpleasant post on the thread with plenty to choose from.

It is a nasty one isn't it @Blossomtoes

@Darkestdays I hope you get some answers about his departure soon. I don't think you can move forward until he is completely honest with you.

For whatever reason he is in total denial. Lots of unravelling to do ontop of the bombshell, so you have my sympathies.

What is DH doing today to address it or is he burying his head?

As a pp said break it all down into chunks so it's not so overwhelming.

Part time work of two days is a luxury though, the pregnancy sickness is a side point as it has nothing to do with your working hours.

You need to work together now, perhaps it will have to be a very short maternity leave and you both find full time jobs even if it means working around each other’s hours.

@Darkestdays

Despite how much I'm fucking struggling one of the FIRST things I said to him is if I have to quit my job and find one with more hours, higher pay I would that. If any of you read the thread before attacking you'd see that. I didn't post in AIBU because I didn't fucking want this pile on him or me when all I wanted was some advice. Nasty internet bullies with nothing better to do. Not coming back.

Awww this is such a horrible situation, but look into:

1. Mortgage payment holiday

1. Renting out house and moving to smaller place temporarily

1. Look into his redundancy pay / notice period pay

1. He should look for remote / freelance jobs if possible while he job hunts. Lots of remote jobs coming up now that you could also do depending on your industry

1. Withdraw little one from nursery if possible while husband is home

1. If feasible rent a room out in your home for extra cash

1. Sell off clothes and stuff you don't wear for extra cushion cash

1. Look into selling car if you have an expensive one and replace it with a cheaper model

1. Cancel expensive subscriptions temporarily

Some of the comments have been nastier than needed 😞 but defo the danger of max mortagge on one salary.

Hope you work it out & he may get lucky and find something new quicker than expected. Trying to be optimistic around him will have a better impact on his confidence for finding new jobs than conveying that everything us screwed etc.

Best of luck!

Hi Op, lots of people not reading what you wrote. I have and I can see that he wants the lifestyle but at the moment cant fund it. You work and look after a toddler and (I'm guessing here) pretty much run the house.

It's awful and you are both in a panic. It was wrong of him not to have told you but sometimes people revert to hiding from problems because it's easier than facing them. Understandable that you are in shock. I definitely would be.

I would suggest making a list of outgoings, debts and assists. I don't understand what he means by still owing for the house when it has been sold. I think get the facts together and then address one by one. Certainly he may prefer a less high powered role and if he accepts the reduced lifestyle that goes with it its probably an option (eg manage to keep the house but forgo holidays or nice cars) as you have said several times it has been him that wants the external displays of wealth.

I know that you are sick wi the pg but if you could up your hours if possible it may be that that gives you a greater sense of being in control of the situation. I know you won't live on your salary long term but even short term you may feel better for being busy. Small steps can help when the problem is big.

So wish people had read what you wrote, you got such silly responses mentioning "hair and nails"

Stay strong and take good care of yourself

@Darkestdays I’m sorry people haven’t actually bothered to read your posts.

I think what your husband may be talking about is not negative equity as such (your house is unlikely to have lost value this year; perhaps if it’s a new build) but to do with early redemption penalties on your mortgage. That’s probably a good sign over all as it suggests your mortgage rate is fixed for some time so you know exactly how much money you need to cover it for x amount of time.

It could be hefty tho, I’m sure some are 5% upwards in year one, so a £300k mortgage (absolutely top of what I’d think he could borrow) would be a £15k charge.

I think you really need to focus on:

1. ignoring all the unhelpful posts
2. finding out what’s actually happened
3. finding a way to get to £2.5k income per month.

Effectively he only needs a job paying £2k to get you there - short term? So around £30k job stops you having to panic til the baby is here if he can find something. Anything.

I mean I agree with a pp that he can't have just been pulled in and sacked for nothing, but cut the guy some slack!

Why does he deserve slack cutting? He's the main breadwinner, he's got a really unwell partner who is pregnant with his child, and he is losing his job following a disciplinary process. And then concealing it from the OP for weeks.

You carry on sticking up for the poor men who behave like this. Some of us set higher standards.

And the vipers strike again. I hope some of you (especially with the female names) aren't actually women, because that's a really depressing thought.

She explained several times that her DH is the materialistic one and that her main problem was that he fully intended to keep their big house and luxe lifestyle without an accompanying career. (And with that mindset I can begin to guess why he might have lost his career once he achieved the house.)

Vile trolls - "Wow, where is your support for you poor husband? Merrily sailing along on your 7k, only worried about your hair and nails, while your poor poor husband works himself into the grave."

Strawman arguments to attack a sick and heavily pregnant woman who has just had a horrible shock. But fuck her, right? There's a man to be supported!

@TheWoleb

If he has been sacked after a disciplinary then it needs to have been gross misconduct. If he had been working there for more than 2 years of course.

Are you sure you have the full truth? If it was gross misconduct then that may be why he doesnt want to look for jobs in the same industry.

If it wasn't gross misconduct but they've tried o make it look that way, could he claim unfair dismissal? Even if they just didnt follow proper procedure then he could get a pay out. That takes a long time though and he needs to tell you the dill truth so you know what can happen next.

No. No it doesn't. Employees can be performance managed, given targets for improvement, review dates, verbal warnings, first written warnings and final written warnings and eventually sacked without being found guilty of gross misconduct.

@purpleneon great post. Practical and sensible.

Really sorry for you OP. Try give yourselves a couple of days to process the shock and then try to pull you husband into action with you. I can totally understand your anger at him - his choices have left you vulnerable. But ultimately, when your married, those choices become both of yours if you choose to stay together. I am married to a serial spender on nice, shiny things. Also one who believes he’s entitled to things because he works hard and earns well. It’s not easy, but anger is such a useless emotion at this point. You need a game plan and then to make a decision about whether you stay with him long term. Your life is far far from over, though it may need to change.

Write a list and work through it. Think through all your job options, house options (lodger, rental etc). One to consider is the term on your mortgage - you might be able to negotiate with the mortgage company to extend the term and lower the payments. Look at all your outgoings and see what you can do. Ditto with benefits. Speak to the lease company and understand their position. Do you have family you can borrow from? Go through it all. I’m so sorry and wish you every bit of luck. X

PS (sorry this shouldn’t be a footnote) my best friend had HG and wanted to die (in the most literal sense). It is absolutely traumatising and I have no idea how you look after a toddler and work through it. X

You don't need £65k to survive. Plenty of families survive on far less, you would invi. Not every man is cut out for a very stressful cut throat job that brings in loads of money. As a family you need to work out how to survive on.

No. No it doesn't. Employees can be performance managed, given targets for improvement, review dates, verbal warnings, first written warnings and final written warnings and eventually sacked without being found guilty of gross misconduct.

That's true. But the OP had no inkling that there was anything wrong at all until he lost his job (in fact, not 'til several weeks after that).

That means he's either concealed the fact that he's been put on capability from the OP for many months, or done something utterly crass leading to instant dismissal. In either instance, he's behaved fucking appallingly towards the OP, irrespective of what his cheerleaders think.

@felulageller

Can he claim unfair dismissal? Surely they can't just immediately sack him with no pay??

Exactly unless dismissed for a gross misconduct offence he is entitled to contractual pay.

@thedancingbear

I mean I agree with a pp that he can't have just been pulled in and sacked for nothing, but cut the guy some slack!

Why does he deserve slack cutting? He's the main breadwinner, he's got a really unwell partner who is pregnant with his child, and he is losing his job following a disciplinary process. And then concealing it from the OP for weeks.

You carry on sticking up for the poor men who behave like this. Some of us set higher standards.

Just because he lost his job through disciplinary process, it doesn’t mean he necessarily did anything wrong. Supervisors abuse the disciplinary process all the time. A friend of mine was disciplined because his supervisor had told him not to use his sat nav to go to job sites. The boss thought he should learn the region by heart. My friend wasn’t local like the rest of the team. He couldn’t get to job sites on time without using his sat nav, so he kept using it. He was disciplined and sacked for using s sat nav! How ridiculous is that, but it’s a true story. Another friend was sacked for gross misconduct when a co worker called her a racial slur, and she called her a cunt back only no one “heard” her being insulted, but they all “heard” her call the racist coworker a cunt.

His hiding it and his bursting into tears for first time ever the OP has seen indicates to me that he did everything he could to not lose his job and part of him could not believe he’d actually lose his job over whatever failing he is perceived to have had. There is zero indication that he deliberately lost his job or did so through laziness. Yes he should have told OP as it was developing, but people make mistakes.

I'm not sure he's being completely transparent about any of this - what he's saying about the mortgage situation is slightly dubious and your name being on the mortgage shouldn't make any difference to the interest rate. There are a lot of contracting jobs around at the moment, if he was in a financial role, many remote working too. Maybe he can pick up one of those in the short term? Pay rates tend to be £200 a day minimum.

He hasn't lost his job though. He has pissed it away through an act or acts of gross misconduct, whilst his wife is unwell and pregnant.

I deal with HR stuff for work and I know just how difficult it is to move someone on who is not cutting the mustard. Gross misconduct is a really high bar.

She did say it was performance not misconduct.

Could be something as simple as failing to meet sales targets. As long as they follow the procedures its actually not that difficult.

I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

It happens, man near us used to 'go to work' each morning and was actually going to the library to sit and apply for jobs as he couldn't bring himself to tell his wife. For someone who sees themselves as a high achiever failure can be a big blow.

Did you take a out a 'big' mortgage to re-mortgage or did you upsize?

If you upsized it may be worth trying to downsize ASAP, Instead of hoping for a new high salaried job to maintain your current lifestyle. I have a friend who did that and it did not go well at all. They now work a regular job on 1/3 of what they used to earn but at least they are working.

The waiting game may cost you dearly. It's better to be proactive to protect yourself NOW. The job market is saturated with high quality job seekers so competition is strong. If he can get any job in the meantime it would be good but it is probably a good idea to evaluate you income and expenditure and see how you can reduce your outgoings.

Just wanted to add my support Darkestdays. I’m quite shocked at some of the responses you have got on here. Why can’t people read the thread before commenting?

Get him to ring a few recruitment agencies on Monday. You may find that there are a lot more job opportunities that allow you to work from home. I work for a large organisation and most of us wfh at the moment. Was he happy doing what he was doing before? If not this could be an opportunity for him retrain and take a side step into something else.

Depending on the circumstances it might be worth seeking legal advice. I think some solicitors offer the first hour or half hour free? Claim everything you are entitled too,

I can’t imagine how stressful and worrying this must be for you, especially when you are expecting a baby. Be kind to yourself and try to forget the nasty judgemental comments. Try to look forward and take things one step at a time.

I really hope things work out ok and are looking more hopeful for you soon