What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

And @Derbee It's not clear which HTB scheme the OP is on.
The old one or the new one? Of which there are 3 options.

And being able to rent your own home out is not a qualification for being able to rent another one.

Even if they could rent it out, the risks are huge.
A tenant has a lot of rights and even when their lease comes to an end, they can stay for 6 months and then the landlord may need to take them to court (big backlog at the moment) to get them out.

It can take 2 years to evict a tenant who refuses to move or can't afford to pay the rent.

I too wonder how he supported you to work part time and not being in much money yet now the tables have turned you are angry at him and not supporting him.

I get that you are worrying about your lifestyle, I mean you won't be able to get your hair and nails done anymore will you. But do you know what if your husband has left a high stress, high pressure job that doesn't bring as much money in you could be ya know a little bit happy for him? Support him? Understand that this is maybe what he needs? Just like only working 15 hours a week is what you needed.

(My DH was utterly miserable in his high paid job. He changed careers and earned a lot less and I upped my hours and luckily secured a promotion. He is a million times happier now)

It's a two way partnership. And your family's happiness comes before material possessions.

For those blaming the husband, I nearly lost my job and it was horrific. I had nothing wrong but was bullied. I know how awful this poor man is feeling.

@Blossomtoes

I'm aware that the prevalence of suicides is higher in men. But the prevalance of depression (self reported) is higher in women. You can slice and dice the data to fit your argument.

I have no problem acknowledging that men are at higher risk of suicide.

But I take issue with the idea that there is something called "male suicide" and that this is a reason for the OP to pussyfoot around her DH and handle him with kid gloves as if "supporting him" needs to take priority over everything else in her life.

When in fact she has a lot of fairly urgent needs of her own, not least the fact that she's pregnant, unwell and facing the loss of her house.

I do wish people would read the thread before coming on to make suggestions that have been made dozens of time before. I know everyone is trying to help, but this must make it very difficult for the OP - assuming she's still reading.

Well you might sell for more than you bought.

Did he not have unemployment insurance?

The way I see it, there are three options

1. Your DH manages to find another, similarly paid job and all is fine

2. sell the house

3. in the event 1&2 aren't possible, your DH needs to take any job he can, and so do you. I appreciate you're pregnant and unwell, but if you do not want to sell your house, you have limited other option. I've been there OP and I get it, I had to work during my cancer treatment and it was gruelling. It was either that or lose my job though and my house. I made the decision to keep my house and that meant doing what I had to do

As a side note, I too think you're placing a lot of blame on your husband, when you willingly participated in a risky lifestyle. Personally, I never, ever think it is wise to take out a large mortgage on one salary, things can and often go wrong and then what are you left with? You chose to have large mortgage on this basis, chose to have a child, chose to have another and chose not to work full time. It is a combination of those decisions both you and your DH have made that has landed you in the current position

@JinglingHellsBells I have done so further up thread. Included a link straight from govt website

@JinglingHellsBells they bought 8 months ago, so it’s pretty clear which scheme they’ll have bought under.

Also, I haven’t said OP should rent her house out

Anyway, no point having a back and forth. Just think people should stick to facts

@ToadstoolBubbleMaker

No one is dead

This is relevant how exactly?

Perspective is a good thing.

I too wonder how he supported you to work part time and not being in much money yet now the tables have turned you are angry at him and not supporting him.
I get that you are worrying about your lifestyle, I mean you won't be able to get your hair and nails done anymore will you. But do you know what if your husband has left a high stress, high pressure job that doesn't bring as much money in you could be ya know a little bit happy for him? Support him? Understand that this is maybe what he needs? Just like only working 15 hours a week is what you needed.

All of this. And I'd think about why he felt he couldn't tell you.

I have read all the posts back as I don't have time but also just as a short term thing... If your husband had annual leave left then he should be paid for that too.
And on his last pay he could ask for his pension contribution to stop so that also gets added to his pay.
Does he have any shares in the company?

The thing about not paying the house off for years and years due to interest, isn't correct.
You maybe have to pay a penalty for ending your mortgage sooner than agreed though.

@Blossomtoes

I’ve seen that kind of corporate behaviour too *@RedskyThisNight* and the more highly paid the job, the more likely it is. Especially in an industry known to be cut throat.

I've seen it too, also seen people 'managed out the business' set impossible targets or targets that are impossible to measure.

Incredibly stressful.

I am really sorry this happened, OP. I do feel he needs to be fully open with you, about what happened in work that caused him to lose his job, and about what your actual financial situation is.

It sounds as if, due to his high earnings and being the sole person on the mortgage, he may have been more in charge of the financial side of things, and now is your time to take an active interest and go into the nitty-gritty of your mortgage agreement, ISAs, etc., and figure out your exact position. His argument on why selling the house would leave you with tens of thousands in debt, I would want to double-check in your place.

Perhaps suggest a conversation where you promise up front not to get upset at anything he discloses in it? You really need the full story.

Also, don't let him make any big life decisions right this instance, until both of you have calmed down a bit. As PPs suggested, take a day or two as a breather and to realise that despite everything, you two are still you two.

On the basis OP doesn't know how he lost his job, I don't know how on earth you can so confidently make that statement.

You don’t take 3 weeks to tell your wife you are being made redundant. Or that the company has downsized you using statistics. You take 3 weeks when you have fucked up and lost your job.

@Thedishwasherstacker

For all the people suggesting op’s dh just pops out and gets himself an HGV job, it’s not that simple? My dh is an HGV driver. Firstly, it’s around £4K for the lessons/tests and secondly because of the huge demand there is now a very long waiting list for lessons and tests. And driving a massive lorry isn’t as simple as it seems, many people fail the test every year. Why do some people think that just because a job doesn’t require a university degree it’s something that people can simply slide into when the shit hits the pan from there perfect lives. Jobs that none of these people would look at twice when things are going well in said lives!

This ☝🏾

Despite how much I'm fucking struggling one of the FIRST things I said to him is if I have to quit my job and find one with more hours, higher pay I would that. If any of you read the thread before attacking you'd see that. I didn't post in AIBU because I didn't fucking want this pile on him or me when all I wanted was some advice. Nasty internet bullies with nothing better to do. Not coming back.

@cricketmum84

I too wonder how he supported you to work part time and not being in much money yet now the tables have turned you are angry at him and not supporting him.

I get that you are worrying about your lifestyle, I mean you won't be able to get your hair and nails done anymore will you. But do you know what if your husband has left a high stress, high pressure job that doesn't bring as much money in you could be ya know a little bit happy for him? Support him? Understand that this is maybe what he needs? Just like only working 15 hours a week is what you needed.

(My DH was utterly miserable in his high paid job. He changed careers and earned a lot less and I upped my hours and luckily secured a promotion. He is a million times happier now)

It's a two way partnership. And your family's happiness comes before material possessions.

The OP never mentioned "hair and nails". This is pure projection and says more about you than it does about her.

The OP is pregnant with a small child and a very low income. She's entirely reasonable to be concerned about how they will keep the house.

Also she's been very clear that the issue is not particularly that she wants to maintain their high standard of living, but that she wants him to face up to reality. The reality is he either needs to find another job on equivalent income sharpish or they need to sell or rent out the house. And he's in denial about this.

Darkestdays I’d there anyone in real life you can speak to? You’ve had an enormous shock and if this thread is making things worse then ask for it to be deleted. There are some bits of helpful advice in there as well. I’d also think about posting on MSE forum. You’ll likely get more practical help.

What is your husband’s plan for looking for work now and are you any the wise as to why he has been let go? Reference will make quite a difference to his chances of securing other well paid employment quickly.

I agree there is absolutely nowhere the op gives off the vibe of a spoilt princess a d she really needed help and advice not a pile on for literally no reason.

You can see she part about the house selling wasn't to keep a certain lifestyle it was her husband's misinformation that he thinks they won't be able to pay off the mortgage.

Fucking hell people are dim on here.

Op I hope you are ok.

OP - my sympathies. You will get through this. My personal way of dealing with these things is to take charge of a small step. Then once this is done, deal with the next.

Start with trying to cut expenditure to basics. Book an appointment with a debt charity. Once you have things in the pipeline you will start feeling better. Small steps.

@Darkestdays Don't let those making assumptions distract you from the good advice on this thread.

As a couple, you made decisions on what would work for your family. Presumably both of you agreed. End of.

The situation has changed big time, and the most important thing is total openness and honesty between you. That may not be easy for your DH but is critical. You then work out a way forward together.

Remember, it's things like this that will make or break you - working together you will come out of this stronger.

@Blossomtoes

Get an HGV license has become the new take in ironing.

LOL, so true! ^