What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

I just wanted to say I have been here multiple times with my ex.
I was pregnant too with my second one time and ended up going to court with a 10 day old baby to stop our home being repossessed.
You will get through this one way or another, just do what you can and take one step at a time.
Citizens advice may be able to offer advice and support.
Take care x

@Viviennemary

You need to be more supportive. You could get a job that pays more. It sounds like he's been shouldering a huge burden of financial responsibility and stress while you've been happily sailing along on your 7k a year part-time job. And now its gone pear shaped. Of course he should be able to get a job which pays less and is less stressful. If you are a massive amount short every month you will need to downsize.

There are a lot of bitchy comments in this thread, but this is probably the bitchiest. I really think a lot of you need to brush up on your reading and comprehension skills...

@SofiaMichelle I’m sorry but you are wrong. Of course you don’t have to pay all lease payments as well as hand back the car. It would be totally inequitable for a finance company to enforce such terms against a consumer customer. The lease agreement will deal with early termination and it wouldn’t be enforceable if it contained such an unfair term. There may be money to pay certainly but it won’t be as awful as you are insinuating.

Without going into too much detail I know this to be the case first hand. We actually received the surplus of around £5k despite terminating the lease agreement over a year early.

His life’s been turned upside down. That’s extremely harsh.

That A) suggests he had no part in losing his job, which is unclear at this stage and B) ignores that fact that his solution at this point is to opt out of the role he agreed to have which was to have a job that financially provides for the family and C) ignores the fact that he upped and moved his family in order to have that job.

It isn’t harsh to point out actual facts.

My sympathies OP I've been in a similar situation and its very very stressful.

You've been given some very sensible advice here on the practicalities which I can't really improve on. And you will get through it.

I think its worth saying, though, that while in principle I think you and your husband need to work together as a team, I do think there's more to this than meets the eye.

As others have pointed out, this is either gross misconduct or the result of underperformance. In the second scenario its highly highly unlikely this would have come out of the blue. There would have been a process in place and he would have had several verbal and written warnings. He must have known this on the cards and should have flagged it to you.

In either scenario he does owe you more of an explanation on this than you are currently getting and he does need to step up and engage with the reality of what you're looking at rather than just deluding himself with the idea that he can keep the house by taking a 2/3 salary cut. That isn't going to happen, no matter how many economies you make.

I think those people saying that the OP's priority should be supporting her husband above all else are missing this. You do need to get to the bottom of what's happened here. Whether by incompetence or just sheer bad luck, he has left you and your family in a very vulnerable position.

It may not have been his fault but at the very least he owes it to you a) to be honest about what has happened and b) to face up to it and start planning in a clear-headed way.

For all the people suggesting op’s dh just pops out and gets himself an HGV job, it’s not that simple?
My dh is an HGV driver. Firstly, it’s around £4K for the lessons/tests and secondly because of the huge demand there is now a very long waiting list for lessons and tests. And driving a massive lorry isn’t as simple as it seems, many people fail the test every year.
Why do some people think that just because a job doesn’t require a university degree it’s something that people can simply slide into when the shit hits the pan from there perfect lives. Jobs that none of these people would look at twice when things are going well in said lives!

Op has had some good advice and some really shit advice one here. Some posters seem to think you can just move house at the drop of a hat with no cost involved.

The house is mortgaged and has a help to buy loan - they can't just let it out they need to pay of the help to buy loan.

Do people really think moving house while heavily pregnant and a toddler is a good idea - with an already stressed out husband?

Letting out a room, Airbnb, really extra people and pressure while having a toddler and soon to be newborn. She'll get great reviews newborn baby screamed half the night-avoid!

The good advice is reduce bills as much as possible, get rid of as many subscriptions as possible.
Consider if you really need nursery.

Claim all benefits that you can.
Get him working doing something - he'll get bored quickly and need a change. But he must have gone through the works and confidence shot to pieces. He needs to build confidence.

He hasn't lost his job though. He has pissed it away through an act or acts of gross misconduct, whilst his wife is unwell and pregnant.

On the basis OP doesn't know how he lost his job, I don't know how on earth you can so confidently make that statement.

I used to work for a company that periodically decided that they were going to reduce staff. So basically they decided to target certain groups and they picked the 10% in each group of who they deemed lowest performers and they were out. Of course officially it was jobs being made redundant but in practice it worked out that you were notified your group was being considered for redundancies, and then a week later, you'd be called in and told you were in the bottom 10% and to clear your desk. They did it so many times that the chances of being picked increased and increased to the point they losing people who were perfectly good employees - just not deemed as good as the others.

Could easily be something like that, that's happened to OP's DH.

Oh OP that must be such a terrible shock

If you can't sell your house could you maybe rent it out to cover the mortgage, and rent a smaller property with cheaper rent in the meantime? At least until you can sell your home for a profit or everything else works out enough for you to take it over again. It might buy you some time if your DH can't walk into another high earning job and for you to have your mat leave and look into your options job wise.

Not read the whole thread, but OP you are not fucked. Your life may change from what you expected. Your H needs to come to terms with this change, sounds like he is not there yet. You will get through this.

My life got fucked in a much worse, much more permanent way. You do find a way to build a new life, even if its not what your life was or what you thought it would be. You do need to focus hard on doing that though.

I was looking up leasing conditions and they do look punitive but I found an article suggesting there are lease swap websites. That might be your best option if you can make it work.

@Thedishwasherstacker exactly if it was that easy to be an HGV driver there wouldn't be a shortage.

It's another bonkers suggestion that people are coming out with!

But OPs DH hasn't been made redundant.

And he hasn't been dismissed due to poor performance.

He has been dismissed via his employers Disciplinary process. This means there is some form of misconduct. This makes getting a new job a lot harder so it is relevant.

It's really common for men to hide these things. Loss of status and respect is a killer for them. They put their head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. Same thing happened here to me.

It's very dicey for a while but you will get past this. If he's panicing you have to be the calm one and spread the information net very wide.

Look at ALL the options.

Even if you were to sell for less than you bought, if it meant you could relocate somewhere nicer and in a smaller place with more help for DH this could all be for the best.

Try and search for silver linings. There's nearly always one.

I’ve seen that kind of corporate behaviour too @RedskyThisNight and the more highly paid the job, the more likely it is. Especially in an industry known to be cut throat.

@NamechangeApril21

Oh OP that must be such a terrible shock

If you can't sell your house could you maybe rent it out to cover the mortgage, and rent a smaller property with cheaper rent in the meantime? At least until you can sell your home for a profit or everything else works out enough for you to take it over again. It might buy you some time if your DH can't walk into another high earning job and for you to have your mat leave and look into your options job wise.

Please read the thread !

This house was mortgaged with the help of Help to Buy. It can't be rented out.

Additionally, the OP's income currently is £7K.

How could they possibly get a rental on that income?
You need bank statements, a deposit and proof of income to rent.

If I was a landlord I'd not lease to them even on the theoretical basis of their home being rented out.

Why would you be in negative equity? Prices are still high. Does he work in a job that he would be able to pick up a contracting role? Most are still predominantly remote working and IT/project management jobs etc are paying £500 a day plus. Is his linked in profile and cv up to date? How good is his network?

@RedskyThisNight

It's entirely possible that something like that has happened to the OP's DH but there would have been some signs that this was on the horizon. Redundancy programmes have to be pre-announced and employees get a whiff of trouble long before it impacts them personally.

You don't go from functioning employee in a thriving company to being fired overnight without there being some straws in the wind.

The fact that this has come as a total shock to the OP suggests that he hasn't been entirely transparent with her.

It's possible that he was struggling mentally and there are many mitigating factors. But people urging her to put his needs before her own unquestioningly are missing this.

Also this business about "male depression" and "male suicide" is daft. There isn't a particular form of depression that only affects men. Sure, there is pressure on them as breadwinners, which is exacerbated by their general reluctance to discuss their mental health. But painting it as some chronic biological affliction which the OP has to pander to at the expense of her own mental health is not helpful.

They both have financial and emotional needs.

[quote Derbee]@Autumndays123 you CAN get consent to let on Help To Buy, if it’s short term, and for reasons such as work. It’s all available to read

www.gov.uk/guidance/how-to-sublet-your-help-to-buy-home#when-well-allow-you-to-sublet-your-entire-home

@JinglingHellsBells I know that as a fact. For personal circumstances like the majority of mortgage lenders will grant short term consent to let. If you read my post though, you’d know I had already agreed that it wasn’t practical in OP’s case.[/quote]
For 12 months only in certain circumstances. So what if the tenant doesn't want to move out after 12 months? What I the OPs husband can only get a 20k job? What do they do for the other 24 years?

@JinglingHellsBells for the potential benefit of other people reading this thread, it’s really stupid to keep saying that Help to Buy homes can’t be rented out, with consent to let. It may be something that people need to do, and it’s simply not true for you to keep saying it can’t be done!

Fair enough, the OP shouldnt let her house in her specific circumstances, but that doesn’t mean that others can’t if they need to. People should stick to FACTS

@Blossomtoes

Pure supposition *@thedancingbear*. Based on zero facts because OP hasn’t given us any. If you’re an example of what HR departments are employing these days, we’re fucked.

It always mystifies me how some people can't interact on this forum without insulting the other posters. Hey ho.

. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years?

Unless you are not allowed to sell i under a year with Help to Buy, then surely you can?

And unless prices have fallen, how would you be in negative equity?

There are several Help to Buy schemes, OP, and it's not clear which you are on.

This is from the Gov website for people taking out HTB from April 2021. I assu,e this isn't you as it's less than 8 months ago.

But the advice is the same...

As with all mortgages, you should talk to your lender as soon as your circumstances change. If you fall into financial difficulties, you should speak to your lender. You may also wish to seek, independent advice as soon as possible.

You are able to get free and impartial information and advice on money matters from the Money Advice Service. Their advice is available online, face-to-face, or by calling the Money Advice Service helpline on 0300 500 5000.

You will not be treated differently by your lender if you have a mortgage which is included in the mortgage guarantee scheme. If the lender must repossess the property, you will be responsible for repaying any shortfall between the amount you owe to the lender and the amount recovered once the property is sold.

@Derbee If you are so sure, please post excerpts from the Gov websites where it says they can rent out.

Otherwise you are just assuming.

There are also a million other reasons why the OP couldn't rent, namely being unable to provide a deposit, bank references and pay slips proving they can afford it!

Also this business about "male depression" and "male suicide" is daft. There isn't a particular form of depression that only affects men.

So daft that three quarters of suicides are men. The thing that’s daft is to minimise this, it’s a real problem.

www.theguardian.com/society/2020/sep/01/male-suicide-rate-england-wales-covid-19