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Original poster

What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

585 replies

Darkestdays · 24/09/2021 22:39

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

OP posts:
ejhhhhh · 25/09/2021 10:17

[quote SofiaMichelle]@Darkestdays
Get rid of the lease car.

@JinglingHellsBells
the expensive lease car can go...

No it can't.

This is a much bigger problem than the mortgage, in my opinion!

A car lease is a full term contract. You can't get out of it without extremely punitive charges.

For example, if it's a 3 year £5,000 per year payment, if you give it back after 6 months they 'may' let you off 10% of the outstanding £12.5k. So you'd have to pay them ~£11k to get out of it.

A lease is not PCP or finance. It's very different and you need to be extremely careful if you're living beyond (or to the limit of) your means when you go into it.[/quote]
Well that's a bummer. There's a lesson here then (I wasn't aware of this, but then I've only ever paid cash for cars), that to lease a car is a terrible financial decision. What happens if they sell the car? Would they be allowed to do that? Then at least they'd have some money to put towards the money they owe the lease company. It sounds like they're going to be on the hook for repayments regardless, and they can't afford the repayments, so what happens in that scenario?

Derbee · 25/09/2021 10:17

@Blossomtoes his life has been turned upside down, but he caused it, and he’s known about it for a lot longer than the OP, as he’s been hiding it. He’s in the wrong

Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 10:24

[quote Derbee]@Blossomtoes his life has been turned upside down, but he caused it, and he’s known about it for a lot longer than the OP, as he’s been hiding it. He’s in the wrong[/quote]
There’s no right or wrong. A catastrophic thing has happened to both of them. They’re both in an awful place because they’re a team. A situation like this needs any idea of fault to be put swiftly to one side so they can work together to salvage it.

peachesarenom · 25/09/2021 10:24

I know it's a shock but a happy family unit is more important than keeping the dream house. If you both had a 20/25k job you could still live pretty comfortably. He does need your emotional support. He must have been through quite a lot at work recently. Good luck op.

Holshicup · 25/09/2021 10:27

Apologies if anyone has previously suggested this but would your mortgage provider allow you to rent out your house? Even temporarily until you are back on your feet.

toocold54 · 25/09/2021 10:29

How is someone with no job going to get finance?

OP works and she could try and increase her hours. Most people can get finance on a low wage still as if you can’t afford it they’ll just repossess the car.

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2021 10:32

@Blossomtoes

But OP is allowed to be angry that her husband has turned her life upside down, without telling her, and with no real plan for what comes next.

His life’s been turned upside down. That’s extremely harsh.

You don’t k ow why he was fired. It’s very clearly unlikely to do with performance. It’s hugely possible his life’s been turned upside down due to his own behaviour.
Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 10:33

It’s hugely possible his life’s been turned upside down due to his own behaviour.

And that makes it less traumatic?

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2021 10:34

@Blossomtoes

It’s hugely possible his life’s been turned upside down due to his own behaviour.

And that makes it less traumatic?

Seriously?
Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 10:35

Yes seriously.

JinglingHellsBells · 25/09/2021 10:36

@Holshicup

Apologies if anyone has previously suggested this but would your mortgage provider allow you to rent out your house? Even temporarily until you are back on your feet.
I wish people would stop suggesting this.

MOST mortgages do not allow you to rent out your home. Many people do but they are breaking the contract.

Also, even if it WAS possible, it would only work if they rented a house for less than they are paying for their mortgage.

They would also be paying two lots of insurance (house insurance and contents for houses 1 and 2) and if they tenant didn't pay the rent (which some do- they do a runner) they would have TWO lots of outgoings- rent AND a mortgage.

Derbee · 25/09/2021 10:36

@Blossomtoes when he’s lied to OP about losing his job, there is wrong. Lying is wrong. They’ve lost almost a month of time to start sorting things out, because he’s been lying about losing his job 3 WEEKS ago. That is appalling

Viviennemary · 25/09/2021 10:38

Always the man's fault on here. Nothing changes.

Derbee · 25/09/2021 10:38

@JinglingHellsBells it’s fairly easy to get short term consent to let from most mortgage lenders. It doesn’t seem a sensible option for OP, but I’ve never heard of a mortgage lender not giving at least 6 months consent to let

toocold54 · 25/09/2021 10:39

But OP is allowed to be angry that her husband has turned her life upside down, without telling her, and with no real plan for what comes next.

This is why men have such high suicide rates.

He lost his job - something that any of us would find extremely difficult to cope with.
He was worried about telling his partner because he knew she would be angry and worried as their lifestyle depends on his wage.

Yes he should have told her straight away but I can see why he waited as he couldn’t cope with OPs reaction as well as losing his job.

Yes she can be secretly angry he didn’t tell her sooner but to him she needs to be supportive and tell him that everything will be ok and that she’ll work extra hours to help out etc.

If a man posted about being angry that his wife has lost her job then a lot of the replies would be very different.
Yes I have sympathy for OP but I have more sympathy for him as he’s loosing out just as much as her but he’s got the added pressure of losing his job and his wife being angry at him on top.

Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 10:40

@Viviennemary

Always the man's fault on here. Nothing changes.
Do you know what? This is something I never, ever thought would happen but I agree with you.
ejhhhhh · 25/09/2021 10:40

I've just done a Google and you're right @SofiaMichelle, the car is a potentially huge problem. The OP can't sell the car, it doesn't belong to them. They'll owe the repayments whether they hand it back or not, and a repossession of the car would be disastrous for their credit record. As a homeowner with a tight mortgage, the ability to remortgage at the end of the term is essential. The standard variable payments would likely be unaffordable. If your OP really wants to keep the house, your household income needs to be as high as it is now, there's no other option. Negotiating payment holidays on the mortgage and the car are the best bet, to give you time to get jobs that would give you that income.

BigFatLiar · 25/09/2021 10:41

It’s very clearly unlikely to do with performance.

There are some jobs where it's all about performance.

What happens if they sell the car?

If it's a lease car it's not theirs to sell, the company will simply take it away.

toocold54 · 25/09/2021 10:43

You don’t k ow why he was fired. It’s very clearly unlikely to do with performance.

It may well be but people lose their jobs every day and it’s nothing to do with performance or behaviour, it’s simply because the firm has gone bust or are downsizing.

Viviennemary · 25/09/2021 10:44

Wow thanks blossomtoes. I thought I was getting another telling off.

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2021 10:44

@Viviennemary

Always the man's fault on here. Nothing changes.
But if he was disciples and fired it was his fault. It’s hardly his wife’s fault?
nomoneytreehere · 25/09/2021 10:44

They won’t take the car back until you have missed 3 payments. Then they will terminate. You need to be very strong with them and insist it is sold privately and not at auction or to their dealer (as dealer will know situation and take advantage). A secondary market dealer will give you the best value and you may not be under water or very far under water. Use the time between now and then wisely. Do not just hand the car back as you will be miles underwater and the debt will remain. You need to be proactive so that you can show them how to minimise their (and therefore your) losses.

Depending on your upfront lease payment you may not be underwater at all. check your lease contract carefully - it will deal with early termination and there probably is a way out even if the finance company is resistant.

Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 10:47

It’s not about fault @Bluntness100. Put fault out of the picture. Slinging blame about will just make it worse. They are where they are, they just need to put focus, energy and time into working out how to salvage the situation.

Autumndays123 · 25/09/2021 10:52

[quote Derbee]@JinglingHellsBells it’s fairly easy to get short term consent to let from most mortgage lenders. It doesn’t seem a sensible option for OP, but I’ve never heard of a mortgage lender not giving at least 6 months consent to let[/quote]
OP cannot rent her house out. She has a help to buy loan and you cannot do this until it is repaid in full, which is 20% of the OPs house cost

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2021 10:53

@Blossomtoes

It’s not about fault *@Bluntness100*. Put fault out of the picture. Slinging blame about will just make it worse. They are where they are, they just need to put focus, energy and time into working out how to salvage the situation.
Nah, too right it’s about fault. If he’s been fired for gross misconduct snd won’t be able to get a similar job because of it, then the op has a right to know,