Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Thought I was doing something nice but now it feels like a stealth brag

143 replies

JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:15

What to do?

Mum's 60th coming up. I've booked for me, mum, sister & niece to go to New York for 5 nights. Sister has paid for niece but I've paid the rest & will pay spending money for all as well. I've not yet told mum, birthday is in a couple of weeks.

I'm now worried that I've just done something I thought would be nice but now I'm worried about how my 3 brothers will feel. I'm not taking sole credit - sister is being equally credited (and my DH as he's contributing from the family pot). My brother's have no chance of buying something similar, DH and I are considerably financially better off (mainly because we're much older). And now I'm worried I'll look like I'm trying to steal the glory.

What do I do? All presents are being given at the family party (all siblings and OHs only).

I don't want to look like a loon but just wanted to do something nice for mum.

OP posts:
Shamoo · 23/09/2021 18:16

Say it’s from the whole family, but just take a very small contribution from your brothers. If you really aren’t doing it for glory.

RandomMess · 23/09/2021 18:18

Can you think of something sentimental or other that your DB could buy between them?

Howshouldibehave · 23/09/2021 18:20

So are you paying for your sister to go but not your brothers? Do you think they will be upset?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 23/09/2021 18:20

Talk to your brothers beforehand and say let it be a gift from all of us.

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:22

@Howshouldibehave

So are you paying for your sister to go but not your brothers? Do you think they will be upset?
Yes, like a girls trip.
OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:24

For clarity, I haven't invited my brother's. I was thinking a) a girls trip and b) that would be 7 people which is a bit Kuch to organise on a sightseeing holiday.

I'm happy to say it's from us all but think it's odd that they then aren't coming. I wouldn't take money as that would feel like they're subsiding my trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:25

*much not kuch.

And yes, think talking to them before hand is a good idea.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 23/09/2021 18:25

Offer your brothers in on the gift if they want to contribute, you don't need the contribution but it will be nice to say from all if your gift will obliterate their gifts.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/09/2021 18:26

If this were me, I would have suggested that my brothers give her dollars for her spending money on the trip, as their birthday gift to her. Then it really is a family New York gift to her. The cost difference wouldn't make any difference to how I thougth of it as everyone has different levels of disposable income.

Aren't you close to your brothers? I don't have any, just a sister, but it's the sort of thing we discuss, what each of us is going to get, so we don't duplicate.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2021 18:27

I think it's great to have a girls' trip. It's not as though you could pay for everyone, is it?

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:29

@Howshouldibehave

So are you paying for your sister to go but not your brothers? Do you think they will be upset?
I don't think they'll be upset about me not taking them, they'd understand that would be a significantly bigger financial commitment, harder to organise with all our annual leaves and other commitments etc.

It was spur of the moment idea, and I know my mum will absolutely love it, she's always wanted to go and her partner doesn't want to/ they can't afford it.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/09/2021 18:30

Yes, a girls' trip is understandable especially if you're going to be doing lots of shopping. However, your brothers may get jealous that not only are you paying for your mum but also your sister too.

AndWhat · 23/09/2021 18:30

Could your brothers buy gifts that she can use for the trip? Maybe some luggage or the like?

hangsangwitch · 23/09/2021 18:30

The brothers could gift dollars for the trip, or buy tickets to a Broadway show or a pay for a fancy meal in NY. That way they are contributing.

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2021 18:31

I'm having trouble understanding the problem.

You're considerably financially better off than your brothers, and your gift reflects that, so what?

Also I don't understand why your sister is being equally credited? What has she actually bought your mum?

CorrBlimeyGG · 23/09/2021 18:31

It's a bit Harry Enfield-style dickish.

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:32

@CurlyhairedAssassin

If this were me, I would have suggested that my brothers give her dollars for her spending money on the trip, as their birthday gift to her. Then it really is a family New York gift to her. The cost difference wouldn't make any difference to how I thougth of it as everyone has different levels of disposable income.

Aren't you close to your brothers? I don't have any, just a sister, but it's the sort of thing we discuss, what each of us is going to get, so we don't duplicate.

No we aren't close. It's fine when we're together but they were preschoolers when I moved out, so I didn't really get to know them. There's no bad blood, just lack of contact.

I love the idea of them getting her dollers, or something New York based.

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 23/09/2021 18:32

Could the brothers get a gift for her when she's there, like chocolates and champagne in the room or pay for her dinner one evening?

Porridgealert · 23/09/2021 18:33

Just say it's from all of you and get your brothers to back that up by saying it's just a girls trip and they didn't fancy shopping. I think it's a lovely idea and if your brothers are decent people, they will too.

Akire · 23/09/2021 18:33

I don’t see it as problem your mum doesnt judge who loves her most by who spends the most. It’s a lovely expensive gift but does not take away from any gift they give her which could be equally lovely.

WorriedGiraffe · 23/09/2021 18:34

Do your brothers already no you’ve booked it?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/09/2021 18:39

It's really hard to plan something like this when people have different levels of income. We got married abroad, and originally planned for just DH and me to go, because we knew half of DH's family wouldn't have been able to afford it, and we couldn't afford to pay for them as we saved long and hard to pay for ourselves! So we just booked to go on our own, and were happy with that until the inlaws (MIL and PIL) dropped hints about cheap flights there, obviously hoping to be asked to come! So we relented and invited them and our parents too, for their sake really. My parents are financially comfortable so then announced they'd like to pay for my sister and her husband to go too. Hmm That immediately ruined everything because she got mightly pissed off when I said "it's fairer to stick with no siblings at all, because not all siblings from both sides of the family can afford to go, or have their parents pay for them, and it's not fair on DH to be's siblings if I have all my family there and he only has his parents." She still goes on about it years later about how I "didn't allow her to see her sister getting married." Hmm Quite frankly put a downer on the whole thing, it's really tained my memories of it all, and I regret deciding on inviting our parents now because of it, because if we'd just gone on our own as planned, no-one could have argued about unfairness!

It's the financial inequality that's difficult for a big spend like this. You do run the risk of putting someone's nose out of joint. Open discussion is the best way forward. But be prepared for your brothers to say they don't mind, then quietly seethe behind your back and slag you off to all and sundry whenever they've had too much wine - years later!

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:41

@CorrBlimeyGG

It's a bit Harry Enfield-style dickish.
I'm sorry, I don't understand the reference
OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:41

@WorriedGiraffe

Do your brothers already no you’ve booked it?
No
OP posts:
DoucheCanoe · 23/09/2021 18:43

I don't see the issue with booking time away unless you have a weird family dynamic with a lot of sibling rivalry?

I do find it odd that you've paid for your sister/neice and not even discussed it with your brother's though to give them the opportunity to chip in. I'd be pretty gutted at being deliberately left out.