Thought I was doing something nice but now it feels like a stealth brag

[JoborPlay]

What to do?

Mum's 60th coming up. I've booked for me, mum, sister & niece to go to New York for 5 nights. Sister has paid for niece but I've paid the rest & will pay spending money for all as well. I've not yet told mum, birthday is in a couple of weeks.

I'm now worried that I've just done something I thought would be nice but now I'm worried about how my 3 brothers will feel. I'm not taking sole credit - sister is being equally credited (and my DH as he's contributing from the family pot). My brother's have no chance of buying something similar, DH and I are considerably financially better off (mainly because we're much older). And now I'm worried I'll look like I'm trying to steal the glory.

What do I do? All presents are being given at the family party (all siblings and OHs only).

I don't want to look like a loon but just wanted to do something nice for mum.

I would tell brothers in advance. Other than that I wouldn't worry about it, your mum will know circumstances are different and not judge, I think my brother would be glad to have the option to buy dollars as an easy present idea.
Have a lovely time, sounds like a brilliant present!

Not to derail the thread but this is EXACTLY why DH & I got married abroad & didn't tell anyone until.we got back.

I don't really understand why the sister has contributed nothing and doesn't even need her own spending money but it's being passed off as a joint present from you and her.

But your brothers (much younger, less cash) will have to then get their own presents and try to match a trip to New York.

So really they now have a much bigger outlay than your sister who gets credit for a great present but hasn't spent a penny (apart from paying for her own daughter)

Why not just say the present is from all of you - seems fairer.

I love the idea of them getting her a guide book for NY, and a gift card for a fancy department store or some such, so the surprise is revealed slowly.

Not at all. I wouldn't think of it as a stealth brag.

Your brothers aren't going to be able to get anything that fancy for your mum, so that will probably be awkward for them.

I wouldn’t do anything - it’s your gift to your mum. Your brothers don’t need to know you’ve paid for your sister

@twinmum2007

Not to derail the thread but this is EXACTLY why DH & I got married abroad & didn't tell anyone until.we got back.

That is quite the derail - the OP is doing this for her mother's birthday. So not sure why it's relevant

It's a girls trip and not up to you to ensure your brothers (who I assume are adults?), get your mum a birthday present... if they want involvement, suggest they gift your mum some spending money.
And just as a total aside, this whole post sounds like a stealth brag 🤣🤷‍♀️

The present aside, this sends out a very clear message to your brothers that you very much have an “us and them” dynamic.

So you’re going on holiday with your mum, fair enough, but you’re paying for your sister but so as not to embarrass her presumably she’s sharing the credit for the present with you. Meanwhile your brothers are totally in the dark about all of this and depending on how the presents are given out they are going to be shown up by your gesture.

Or alternatively they’re going to be told that they’re not important enough to you to be included in this trip, and while your sister is getting the credit by spending no money, if they want to share in the credit they should put their hands in their pockets to provide a broadway show/spending money/.

I don’t think that buying someone an expensive present is wrong if it’s within your financial means. But I do think the way you’re going about it is pretty off.

Just tell your Brothers that you have booked a girlie sightseeing trip to NY, maybe suggest they give your Mum some dollars as a present if they haven’t already bought her something, NY is very expensive you will needs lots of spending money.

Why did you pay for Sister? Hopefully Sister and Niece have spending money saved?

You have made a huge gesture because you can afford it. Personally I think that paying for your sister is a shitty thing to do, from the point of view of your brothers.

It's quite an odd thing to do and I can guarantee your brothers are going to feel bad

But mum and brothers don’t need to know what financial contribution the sister has made.

Surely it will just be “this is from both of us” when the gift is given to her?

She isn’t going to expect a breakdown of who has bought what!

It would have been better to take her on your own as your sister and niece are benefitting and taking the credit as well.

Please don't suggest that they get dollars or whatever - that's patronising.

Of course it's a lovely, generous thing to do for your mum. I'd feel like a real shit though, wanting my sister to take credit for it but not my brothers, when none of them thought of the trip or contributed to it.

I'd give my brothers the chance to put something towards to the trip so it's more of a 'Here mum, we all chipped in for you' sort of thing. Presumably they're not at all interested in going to NY so will just be happy to see your mum happy and know they played a part.

@Roxy69

Don't tell them at the family party, get some perfume or something then the trip can be given later; quietly and without fanfare. Simples.

This is exactly what I thought

@Zenithbear

"I don’t see it as problem your mum doesnt judge who loves her most by who spends the most"

Some mothers do though.
They are narcissistic and absolutely love their dc to compete with each other in
"who can buy their mother the best gift"
I have first hand experience of this but I don't play anymore.
However if this is not the case in this instance then I would just get on and treat your mum but expect brothers to sort out their own presents.

This isn't the case at all. She's the sort who prefers the homemade Christmas decorations to the £££ ones from the fancy garden centre!

It's definitely not an "I love you more" present, simply a "you've always wanted to go and unlikely to do so on your own so here" gift.

@Gilly12345

Why did you pay for Sister? Hopefully Sister and Niece have spending money saved?

Because I didn't want to go alone with mum and my sister is not at all well off. It was pay for her or she not go, and I really wanted to do it for mum.

LukeEvansWife it wouldn't have been better to take her on my own, trust me!

Why do you have to tell her publicly at a present giving? Just give her a small sentimental gift at the party and arrange a nice surprise reveal with the chosen few.

Getting them to pay for a restaurant is a terrible
Idea - the two sisters buy the trip to New York and the brothers pay for dinner somewhere - patronising much.

You definitely have to talk to the rest of the family in advance of your mums birthday

@Georgewontsleepnow

Why do you have to tell her publicly at a present giving? Just give her a small sentimental gift at the party and arrange a nice surprise reveal with the chosen few.

We love far away, so if I don't tell her at her do then I'll have to tell her on the phone.