Thought I was doing something nice but now it feels like a stealth brag

[JoborPlay]

What to do?

Mum's 60th coming up. I've booked for me, mum, sister & niece to go to New York for 5 nights. Sister has paid for niece but I've paid the rest & will pay spending money for all as well. I've not yet told mum, birthday is in a couple of weeks.

I'm now worried that I've just done something I thought would be nice but now I'm worried about how my 3 brothers will feel. I'm not taking sole credit - sister is being equally credited (and my DH as he's contributing from the family pot). My brother's have no chance of buying something similar, DH and I are considerably financially better off (mainly because we're much older). And now I'm worried I'll look like I'm trying to steal the glory.

What do I do? All presents are being given at the family party (all siblings and OHs only).

I don't want to look like a loon but just wanted to do something nice for mum.

My DH is one of four siblings. We are the 'poor relations' because we have more kids, and a bit of financial baggage (previous divorces etc) and his siblings all have quite 'big' jobs.

It's never even occurred to us to bother about the gifts the siblings give their parents. I assume that they are much more costly that the ones we give, but his parents aren't stupid and know that we have less money so won't be able to splash out on fancy gifts. Nobody has ever made any kind of issue about it and it hadn't even crossed my mind until reading this thread. I am certain it's never crossed my DH's!

I don't think this is a big deal, especially in light of the big age gap between you and the brothers. Your mum will be well aware that you are better off than them and I'm sure (if she's nice, which I imagine she must be seeing as you want to take her to New York!) she will appreciate whatever they get her.

I think this isn't an issue really, but totally get why you are thinking about it. It sounds an awesome present and I don't think anyone would begrudge her that experience just because they couldn't afford to pay for it.

I think your brothers will be thrilled that mum is having a nice treat. Just say “mum I didn’t get you a present because we’re going on a girly City break instead”.
I can’t see the problem but then my brother is very chilled.

Honestly I think you ate overthinking this.

I would give your mum the gift from you and your sister if that’s what you want to do.

It’s not a stealth boast. I love treating people and would love to be able to afford to give such a wonderful gift to a loved one. If I could afford to do it I would. And I wouldn’t worry about what other people think. I’m sure your mum will enjoy and appreciate all gifts given to her. But there is no doubt that this will be a huge treat and an amazing surprise. Don’t get worked up about your brothers etc and ruin it. I know giving gifts should be selfless, but I love seeing people’s faces when I get them a gift I know they will love. Give it to your mum and stop worrying - and enjoy the moment.

You have a different relationship with your mum and sister than you do with your brothers and that’s ok.

Just to say - I wouldn’t feel the need to mention to your mum or brothers that you have paid for your sister. It’s irrelevant. You’ve partly done it because it will make it a more enjoyable experience for you all.

Haven’t read all the posts but you do what you want and everyone else does what they want. It’s not a competition and your mum will be delighted I’m sure by whatever her family give her. As far as suggesting that other uninvited siblings give a present like show tickets or champagne in room in NY - no. It’s a girls trip, so keep it that way unless they offer otherwise. If I was your brother and it was suggested I buy something to add to my sister’s trip which she is going on, I’d be a little put out. He may have a lovely idea of his own anyway. Nobody needs permission from anyone else or should be told what to do. Enjoy NY - your mum is a lucky lady!

Tell your brothers, give them the option of contributing whatever they wish or buy their own gift, give the present to your mum.
All financial contributions don’t have to be equal especially if incomes aren’t similar but the desire for you mother to have a lovely present that she will enjoy may be equal and it’s the thought behind the gift that counts.

When have you booked the trip for? The US government has said they will legit travel restrictions on fully vaccinated travellers in November but haven't set a date.

I assume you've taken into consideration the possible requirement to quarantine on return?

@glowfrog

When have you booked the trip for? The US government has said they will legit travel restrictions on fully vaccinated travellers in November but haven't set a date.

I assume you've taken into consideration the possible requirement to quarantine on return?

It's for late 2022. Who knows what'll be going on then.

Would have worked better with your siblings if the trip was just yourself and your mother. They could have all then done their own things with her plus the family party when you are all together.
I find it strange that you didn't clear it with your siblings first. Very offensive towards your brothers.

The present is from you to your mum. Not from anyone else.
Don't give this gift at the party, give something smaller (like a vintage tea at a small tea room) and when as said tea room, give her the actual gift.
You don't need to justify or ask permission and tbh, my sister used to do stuff like this and my SIL still does but when they expect us all to pay for something they are benefitting from it kind of takes the piss.
My SIL wanted £500 from the 5 siblings to pay for a trip to Ireland. No way does it cost £2.5k for 2 people for a week. Transpires she was going and her husband and they were hiring a car. I told my DH they could fuck right off. We have £250 in the end as DH was bullied into it. He is the youngest and the other siblings all have grown up children were ours were all little and still at home.
You want to give the gift, you pay for it but if don't make a big show of it.

@Sk8ermum3000

Haven’t read all the posts but you do what you want and everyone else does what they want. It’s not a competition and your mum will be delighted I’m sure by whatever her family give her. As far as suggesting that other uninvited siblings give a present like show tickets or champagne in room in NY - no. It’s a girls trip, so keep it that way unless they offer otherwise. If I was your brother and it was suggested I buy something to add to my sister’s trip which she is going on, I’d be a little put out. He may have a lovely idea of his own anyway. Nobody needs permission from anyone else or should be told what to do. Enjoy NY - your mum is a lucky lady!

This.

It's no one's business who gives what

I think you are over thinking this - unless you intend to outline to her how much you are paying and what you are paying for and what your sister is paying etc - you just say mum we are taking you to new york for your birthday. We pay for my in'law's all the time we don't spell out costs.

One of my siblings has loads of money and buys my parents very expensive gifts. I tend to just give them thoughtful presents under £20. They love the expensive presents (obviously, who wouldn't?!) but I've never been made to feel bad that we only give small things, my parents like all presents! It depends what the individuals in your family are like, I suppose. Are they attention seekers who want it to be all about them or can they just enjoy seeing your mother have a lovely celebration and receiving lots of gifts?

As far as suggesting that other uninvited siblings give a present like show tickets or champagne in room in NY - no. It’s a girls trip, so keep it that way unless they offer otherwise. If I was your brother and it was suggested I buy something to add to my sister’s trip which she is going on, I’d be a little put out.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting that they contribute towards show tickets etc for their sister, are they? Champagne is different as I’m sure OP’s mum would be sharing that. But the DB could pay for their mum’s ticket while the sisters pay for their own. Or they could give her spending money with the agreement from all the siblings that it is not to be spent on a group activity or meal etc - so perhaps their mum could use it while shopping to buy something nice for herself that she wouldn’t otherwise have bought. A piece of jewellery or new handbag or something while shopping in Macy’s or wherever.

Just don’t worry and give the present. You sound like you’re much older than the brothers. Just make an executive big sister decision about it. I’m sure brothers won’t be pissed off you gave your mum a nice present. I’d be really excited for my mum if someone did that for her.

Don’t listen to these people who are overthinking it. Don’t overthink it yourself. Life is too short to start worrying about every little niggle.

Personally I would want to give the gift from all siblings, maybe ask them to buy some dollars or a sightseeing voucher for something she'll like and give the whole thing trip/dollars/voucher as the gift from you all. If your brothers are happy with that.

I think with the big age gap, it all sounds fine. It's not like you're leaving only 1 sibling out. I agree to tell younger brothers about the trip. They can take Mum out to diner or something.

My brother is single and has more dispossible income than me and always spends loads on my parents. Big days out, or weekends away, he's also local and can do all the driving too.
I spend loads less and they are happy with what I choose. They also get handmade cards from the grandkids which cost nothing but are loved so much.
It's not a competition and I don't feel like my brother is bragging.

Enjoy your NY trip!