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Original poster

Thought I was doing something nice but now it feels like a stealth brag

143 replies

JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:15

What to do?

Mum's 60th coming up. I've booked for me, mum, sister & niece to go to New York for 5 nights. Sister has paid for niece but I've paid the rest & will pay spending money for all as well. I've not yet told mum, birthday is in a couple of weeks.

I'm now worried that I've just done something I thought would be nice but now I'm worried about how my 3 brothers will feel. I'm not taking sole credit - sister is being equally credited (and my DH as he's contributing from the family pot). My brother's have no chance of buying something similar, DH and I are considerably financially better off (mainly because we're much older). And now I'm worried I'll look like I'm trying to steal the glory.

What do I do? All presents are being given at the family party (all siblings and OHs only).

I don't want to look like a loon but just wanted to do something nice for mum.

OP posts:
5zeds · 23/09/2021 20:31

Your brothers could drive you or get a limousine to take you to or from the airport? Or get her tickets in NY to a show?

SirGawain · 23/09/2021 20:33

If you haven't told her how did she get an ESTA card which is needed for admission to the USA?

BoredZelda · 23/09/2021 20:34

Yes, telling people you have done this is a stealth brag.

AlanisMorningShed · 23/09/2021 20:38

I would involve the brothers and see if they want to contribute to something, like others have suggested, maybe a gift of dollars or something to do in New York.

I'm probably being a bit precious as a mum of boys, but they're often an afterthought and get left out of stuff because it's presumed they wouldn't be interested in trips/shops/experiences. And they've missed out on a few things with family.

I get they're much younger and probably not interested, but it's be nice to ask or maybe involve them somehow?

Dasher789 · 23/09/2021 21:01

Could your brothers get your mum dollars, lunch at the plaza, tickets to a show or something?

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 21:19

@Viviennemary

I think it was a bit sneaky not to tell anyone. They will now all feel bad. And your Mum might not even want to go.
Mum definitely wants to go. And I've told my sister, who agreed mum will love it. I have absolutely no doubt mum will love it. And it wasn't sneaky, that suggests some forward planning to be mean, which it wasn't.
OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 21:20

@BoredZelda

Yes, telling people you have done this is a stealth brag.
So you think don't tell my brother's in advance that this is what we've got mum?
OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 21:21

@SirGawain

If you haven't told her how did she get an ESTA card which is needed for admission to the USA?
We aren't going until next year (coz you know, covid) so no ESTA required yet.
OP posts:
AmyDeirdre · 23/09/2021 21:24

I wouldn't overthink it...they can do something thoughtful if they want, without spending a fortune. Your mum will love it, that's the main thing.

sunflower198 · 23/09/2021 21:26

I'd tell your brothers beforehand.
They may want to contribute towards an outing/activity for your mum whilst you are in NY - or dollars for her?

BoredZelda · 23/09/2021 21:34

So you think don't tell my brother's in advance that this is what we've got mum?

I think talking about it with a pretend problem is a stealth brag. In fact, there isn’t actually anything stealth about it.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2021 21:40

You made it sound like it was soon-just tell them thats what youre getting her they can decide whther to give her money for the trip or something else

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 21:42

@BoredZelda

So you think don't tell my brother's in advance that this is what we've got mum?

I think talking about it with a pretend problem is a stealth brag. In fact, there isn’t actually anything stealth about it.

Eh? It's not a pretend problem. And lots of people on this thread can understand why I'm concerned and have offered useful advice. I don't really understand how anyone can actually brag on an anonymous forum anyway.
OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 21:43

@whynotwhatknot

You made it sound like it was soon-just tell them thats what youre getting her they can decide whther to give her money for the trip or something else
It's already booked & paid for. We're giving it to her soon, as it's her birthday. And it would have been sooner if it weren't for covid!
OP posts:
FWBNC · 23/09/2021 21:48

@Viviennemary

I think it was a bit sneaky not to tell anyone. They will now all feel bad. And your Mum might not even want to go.
Is there anything, ever, that you can't find fault with?
RahRahRa · 23/09/2021 22:03

I think it’s a lovely idea and if you can afford it why not? It’s a treat for your mum after all - would your brothers really be that bothered? You are still having a family party.

nzeire · 23/09/2021 22:06

How amazing!!! What a lovely and generous thing to do!
Different but samey, when I bought my husband a trip to an island for his 50th, everyone but him knew… so present time, first a pair of jandals… second some sun screen, then a hat… he was like, oooh, getting ready for summer… then a kid gave him the lonely planet book for Rarotonga… then I gave him the tickets! It was so much fun!
Everyone involved, everyone excited, birthday boy being absolutely blown away!
Tell your brothers, get them on board, it will be brilliant!

Mymapuddlington · 23/09/2021 22:09

I would say it’s a birthday present for your mum and sister rather than paying out all that money and sister getting the credit.

Then sister can get her some nice luggage.
Brothers can get other bits to support a holiday theme, a camera or guidebook or travel journal.

I don’t think anyone should be upset, some people can afford to spend more and shouldn’t feel bad that they can and want to. Gifts of any cost should be thoughtful and this one obviously is. Hope you have fun!

CorianderAndCream · 23/09/2021 22:28

Meh. It's a gift to her not them. Warn them ahead of time and suggest the dollars.

Roxy69 · 24/09/2021 17:47

Don't tell them at the family party, get some perfume or something then the trip can be given later; quietly and without fanfare. Simples.

leavesthataregreen · 24/09/2021 17:51

If they like the idea, they could contribute to something you do while you are there. Not sure if this is still a thing but when we went to NYC a couple of years ago, a lot of Michelin starred restaurants did lunch at a hugely reduced price. We went to a place on the Upper East Side near the guggenheim and had an amazing lunch for about £25pp. Or they could get her a gift card from one of the main stores.

Insanelysilver · 24/09/2021 17:54

I’d try not to over think. You’ve done a really lovely thing. A lot of people in a similar position to you, who could pay, wouidnt!
I’d just tell your mum that ‘we’re all taking you to New York. And if your brothers mention you’ve paid just say, it doesn’t t matter who paid you’re all part of making mums trip by being there for her big birthday. Have a wonderful time !

Ckzoaa · 24/09/2021 17:55

I wish you were my daughter Grin What a great present, don't feel bad about it at all! Have a great time.

Zenithbear · 24/09/2021 17:59

"I don’t see it as problem your mum doesnt judge who loves her most by who spends the most"

Some mothers do though.
They are narcissistic and absolutely love their dc to compete with each other in
"who can buy their mother the best gift"
I have first hand experience of this but I don't play anymore.
However if this is not the case in this instance then I would just get on and treat your mum but expect brothers to sort out their own presents.

Floralnomad · 24/09/2021 18:07

I’d tell them ahead of time , work out the flight / hotel cost per person and see if they want to contribute to the 1/4 share for your mum , who pays for the rest of you is irrelevant . Doing it this way you can genuinely say it’s a present from the whole family and your brothers won’t be contributing to the cost of your / your sisters holiday .

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