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Original poster

Thought I was doing something nice but now it feels like a stealth brag

143 replies

JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:15

What to do?

Mum's 60th coming up. I've booked for me, mum, sister & niece to go to New York for 5 nights. Sister has paid for niece but I've paid the rest & will pay spending money for all as well. I've not yet told mum, birthday is in a couple of weeks.

I'm now worried that I've just done something I thought would be nice but now I'm worried about how my 3 brothers will feel. I'm not taking sole credit - sister is being equally credited (and my DH as he's contributing from the family pot). My brother's have no chance of buying something similar, DH and I are considerably financially better off (mainly because we're much older). And now I'm worried I'll look like I'm trying to steal the glory.

What do I do? All presents are being given at the family party (all siblings and OHs only).

I don't want to look like a loon but just wanted to do something nice for mum.

OP posts:
Mariell · 23/09/2021 18:45

The poster was being nasty. Jealous probably.

Mariell · 23/09/2021 18:46

It’s a girls Only trip. No need for the brothers to contribute.

Let them decide what they what to buy her weighing their own budgets.

RandomMess · 23/09/2021 18:47

I too thought of them giving her dollars to buy a gift from NY or pay for a particular experience she wants to do there.

Chloemol · 23/09/2021 18:49

Why would it be odd? Your brothers can contribute to your mums flights etc so it’s still a girls weekend but your mums bit is from everyone

Suzi888 · 23/09/2021 18:51

Could your brothers pay for something like flowers /chocolates delivered to your mum’s room for her birthday?

Goldbar · 23/09/2021 18:51

Talk to your brothers. Tell them you and sister are jointly paying for a girls trip to NY for your mum (no need to discuss your respective contributions) and would they like to contribute to the trip by giving some spending money or would they prefer to do their own thing for gifts?

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:51

@DoucheCanoe

I don't see the issue with booking time away unless you have a weird family dynamic with a lot of sibling rivalry?

I do find it odd that you've paid for your sister/neice and not even discussed it with your brother's though to give them the opportunity to chip in. I'd be pretty gutted at being deliberately left out.

My sister, mum and I do girly things together from time to time - theatre, afternoon tea, shopping etc. My brother's are early 20s, sis & I early & late 30s
OP posts:
WorriedGiraffe · 23/09/2021 18:59

Just tell them now and then work out what to do with them? Not much point deciding it’d be nice for them to get dollars before they no, they might really not be bothered what you get your mum and have their own thing planned. Equally they may be glad of the suggestion. But planning ahead for them to fit their gift around yours could end up making it look like everyone’s trying to please you. There’s nothing wrong with what you have gotten your mum, I think you are over thinking it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/09/2021 19:02

will pay spending money for all as well
Probably not relevant, but why? You're actually going to fund your sister/niece's spending money as well?

worrybutterfly · 23/09/2021 19:02

Is there something specific and special you intend to do while you're there? Broadway show? Boat trip? Nice restaurant?

Could your brothers buy tickets for that as their contribution to the trip? Obviously you, DS & DN should pay for your other tickets but they could cover your mums ticket.

Then you could 'package' it all together and present it as one trip from all of you.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2021 19:04

Cant you just tell them your plans and say do you want to give mum dollars or something

when is it ?

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 19:05

@GreyhoundG1rl

will pay spending money for all as well Probably not relevant, but why? You're actually going to fund your sister/niece's spending money as well?
Yes. Not relevant really, but it's because I've asked my sister to come as mum and I don't do well in each others company for prolonged periods (neither does my sis & mum, but all 3 together is fine). But my sis couldn't have even considered coming funding it herself.
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 23/09/2021 19:10

Oh, I see. Well, that sounds like fun...

CharlotteRose90 · 23/09/2021 19:11

Definitely not a stealth brag and anyone that takes it as one is jealous. I take my mum on holidays abroad Atleast once or twice a year and pay for us both. If you can afford it do it. My brother prefers the uk so I wouldn’t let him take the credit at all.

Hawkins001 · 23/09/2021 19:11

It's a kind gesture op, all the best

PastelGiraffe · 23/09/2021 19:18

This seems really obvious to me but why don’t you just say that you and your sister have decided that your mum would like a girls’ trip you got a great deal to NY.

You can say you’re happy to pay for all of it but since it’s sometimes difficult to come up with good present ideas, if your sister and brothers want to make a small contribution to your mum’s flight / hotel, you can say you’re all gifting her the holiday (according to what they can afford) and that means it’s a joint effort. No need to mention that you’re paying for your sister or spending money - that’s no one else’s business.

RavingAnnie · 23/09/2021 19:58

I wouldn't worry about it. It's fine. People get what they can afford. I'm sure your mum will appreciate all the presents whatever they are.

Faevern · 23/09/2021 20:03

Do they need to know that you have paid for your sister. Can you not say you and sister have paid for mum to go to NY and they can contribute to her trip, if they wish, like dollars or luggage as pp suggested?

Peggytheredhen · 23/09/2021 20:08

I am the youngest and when I was in ny early twenties, I would not have minded a much older relative giving a better present.

My siblings have remained considerably better off than me and I still don't feel bad if my present isn't as flash.

Flowers2020bloom · 23/09/2021 20:08

What about them paying for something for your mum to do while you're there - if you've already got things in mind they can pay your mums portion but would involve you having to tell them now. My brothers would not mind in the least not going and would be perfectly happy for a present idea given to them on a plate too!

Original poster
JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 20:15

@Faevern

Do they need to know that you have paid for your sister. Can you not say you and sister have paid for mum to go to NY and they can contribute to her trip, if they wish, like dollars or luggage as pp suggested?
They'll know my sister couldn't have paid, but I wouldn't specifically say who had paid what - the gift is coming equally from me & sister.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/09/2021 20:18

I think it was a bit sneaky not to tell anyone. They will now all feel bad. And your Mum might not even want to go.

LookieLikie · 23/09/2021 20:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

tanstaafl · 23/09/2021 20:30

Are you in the USA OP?

If not , you say her bday is in a few weeks but when is the trip?
Uk to USA travel for fully vaccinated people isn’t allowed till Nov 6 (ish)

Nesbo · 23/09/2021 20:30

I’m not sure why the sister gets credit for the present just by turning up to enjoy something that you’re funding, but the brothers’ don’t get to go and also don’t get any credit.

All sounds a bit of a confusing set up but it’s your family, I’m sure you know them best.