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Original poster

Thought I was doing something nice but now it feels like a stealth brag

143 replies

JoborPlay · 23/09/2021 18:15

What to do?

Mum's 60th coming up. I've booked for me, mum, sister & niece to go to New York for 5 nights. Sister has paid for niece but I've paid the rest & will pay spending money for all as well. I've not yet told mum, birthday is in a couple of weeks.

I'm now worried that I've just done something I thought would be nice but now I'm worried about how my 3 brothers will feel. I'm not taking sole credit - sister is being equally credited (and my DH as he's contributing from the family pot). My brother's have no chance of buying something similar, DH and I are considerably financially better off (mainly because we're much older). And now I'm worried I'll look like I'm trying to steal the glory.

What do I do? All presents are being given at the family party (all siblings and OHs only).

I don't want to look like a loon but just wanted to do something nice for mum.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 24/09/2021 19:56

Get your brothers to contribute a little and say the presents from all of you regardless of contribution. Everyone is giving what they can afford and it's about your mum then, not what you each individually give.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/09/2021 19:58

Personally I would give it to your mum before the party and not with a big presentation in front of your brothers, or with full info about payment etc.. It would avoid any sense of shoving it in their face.

Also. I wouldn't make any suggestion at all to them about paying for her spending money or the flight.

Its up to them what they give her and they may already have thought of something.

Nandocushion · 24/09/2021 20:01

I would let your brothers know in advance, and make the message along the lines of "this is what we've decided to do for Mum, if you aren't sure what to get for her then you could get some tickets/a tour/something else NYC related". Then they are forewarned, and able to be a part of that big gift if they want, but even if not then they are aware of it.

MrsMaizel · 24/09/2021 20:04

Not relevant really, but it's because I've asked my sister to come as mum and I don't do well in each others company for prolonged periods

I have no idea why you are spending all this money on someone you don't get along with ?

Original poster
JoborPlay · 24/09/2021 20:06

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Personally I would give it to your mum before the party and not with a big presentation in front of your brothers, or with full info about payment etc.. It would avoid any sense of shoving it in their face.

Also. I wouldn't make any suggestion at all to them about paying for her spending money or the flight.

Its up to them what they give her and they may already have thought of something.

They haven't. Them discussing ideas for presents is what caused me to write this thread
OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 24/09/2021 20:08

@MrsMaizel

Not relevant really, but it's because I've asked my sister to come as mum and I don't do well in each others company for prolonged periods

I have no idea why you are spending all this money on someone you don't get along with ?

Because she's a great mum and wonderful grandmother. We just manage better small doses!
OP posts:
33goingon64 · 24/09/2021 20:10

Sorry, I feel surprised you didn't consider this before you booked. Either do it and don't fret, or think of another approach that won't come across as lording it over your less wealthy/male siblings

Confusedandshaken · 24/09/2021 20:16

@hangsangwitch

The brothers could gift dollars for the trip, or buy tickets to a Broadway show or a pay for a fancy meal in NY. That way they are contributing.
This is a lovely idea. 👍🏻
CharityDingle · 24/09/2021 20:18

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Personally I would give it to your mum before the party and not with a big presentation in front of your brothers, or with full info about payment etc.. It would avoid any sense of shoving it in their face.

Also. I wouldn't make any suggestion at all to them about paying for her spending money or the flight.

Its up to them what they give her and they may already have thought of something.

I agree. I also think it would be unfair to ask them for a contribution. I also think that they will probably be more than happy that your mother is getting to have a nice holiday with you, your sister and your niece.
BoredZelda · 24/09/2021 20:18

It's not a pretend problem. And lots of people on this thread can understand why I'm concerned and have offered useful advice.

It isn’t a real problem. You have made an issue where there isn’t one.

I don't really understand how anyone can actually brag on an anonymous forum anyway.

Yeah, that never happens on MN 😂

THisbackwithavengeance · 24/09/2021 20:32

I dont see why you should have to say that the trip is from all of you when it's not.

As people have said, your present is more expensive and you are a higher earner and have more money to spend.

Your siblings I'm sure can but their own present at a budget to suit them.

Shona52 · 24/09/2021 20:38

Get them to add to spending money pot then they are included in the gift.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2021 20:44

I think you're massively over thinking it op.

You and your sister have brought her something. The lads can presumably buy what they want too. Your mother loved you all and understands you're in different life places.

Whatever each of you have bought her will be special to her

saraclara · 24/09/2021 20:47

Personally I would give it to your mum before the party and not with a big presentation in front of your brothers,

Yep. I don't think your gift is bragging. But it will make whatever your brothers have bought her seem really insigificant. If she's going to be blown away with yours after they've just given her something normal, it's going to be a bit rubbish for them.

Is it possible to let her know about your gift before the event? Then just give her something to unwrap in front of everyone?

NursieBernard · 24/09/2021 20:48

I don't know why but I feel sad for your brothers, It creates a real 'us and them' mentally.

MyMabel · 24/09/2021 20:48

I would say it’s from your brothers too; whether they contribute or not. It’s easier to write they’re name in the card than sit with an elephant in the room.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2021 20:49

Them discussing ideas for presents is what caused me to write this thread well that's sorted then.
Hey guys, re presents, Sam and I are taking Mom away next year for her birthday with Jenny. Didn't think a girls trip to NY would be your thing.

Done.

NursieBernard · 24/09/2021 20:49

*mentality

MyMabel · 24/09/2021 20:49

I wish I learnt how to use the correct grammar as a child. Their*

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2021 20:51

@MyMabel

I would say it’s from your brothers too; whether they contribute or not. It’s easier to write they’re name in the card than sit with an elephant in the room.
As the brothers, I'd feel really uncomfortable having the 'grown up siblings" deciding to put my name onto a present I'd not contributed to nor am involved in, just so i don't feel bad that I only got her a shit present
MyMabel · 24/09/2021 20:52

Also if your brothers were discussing present ideas which made you write the thread.. did you and DSister now think then to mention it and ask them if they want to contribute and take credit with you?

Does sound a bit like you don’t want them to be involved.. and therefore a bit bright from the girls side.

MyMabel · 24/09/2021 20:57

@SleepingStandingUp
I guess that could happen. It’s just a shame it wasn’t discussed before in that case. OP is well aware her DB’s can’t afford anything that lives up to a trip to NY.

I’m finically better off than my DB and his family, I brought my mum some pretty expensive tickets to a show one year and asked DB if they had got her anything yet and that I had got her these tickets and if they were stuck for ideas I could write their name in too from all of us, which they said was a good idea, and I wouldn’t think anything of it if DB did the same in return (we probably have done at some point) - So I think it just depends on the person perhaps.

Original poster
JoborPlay · 24/09/2021 21:01

@MyMabel

Also if your brothers were discussing present ideas which made you write the thread.. did you and DSister now think then to mention it and ask them if they want to contribute and take credit with you?

Does sound a bit like you don’t want them to be involved.. and therefore a bit bright from the girls side.

I have no issue with them being part of it. I just genuinely didn't think to mention it - we don't normally converse about gifts or much at all really.

Now adding them seems an after thought, but similarly, I can't not mention it either.

I'd prefer not to give her the present over the phone, but it's that or in front of everyone, there's not another option (there's not going to be opportunity to get her alone at the do, I'm already arriving late and leaving early because of travel times.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoborPlay · 24/09/2021 21:03

I'm not sure if asking them now seems a bit patronising.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2021 21:04

It's not a competition op. You and your sister give her the present. . MEntion to the brothers IN whatever medium they discussed presents in case they want to add anything to it.