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Original poster

Was I over reacting feeling uncomfortable with this

175 replies

Yamaya · 12/09/2021 09:00

My DD is 5 and went to another childs birthday party recently. Not a child we know well, a classmate, whose mum I was meeting for the first time.
It was all in the garden with a bouncy castle. Another guest, a little girl, had her mum and dad at the party and straight away I got creepy vibes from the man but couldn't put my finger on it, brushed it to one side.
When all the little girls sat in a circle for pass the parcel he pretended to fall into the circle and rolled all over them, which they (mostly all of them) found funny but I was thinking get up you prat!
Then towards the end of the party he got on the bouncy castle and started playing chasing and tickling games with my daughter and another child. This is when I started to feel really uncomfortable with the situation. My DD loves when adults play silly so was loving it but I just felt it wasn't appropriate for a grown man to be playing like this with children you only just met and aren't related to?
I called my DD away to have cake but she went straight back to him to keep playing. Then he started "falling over" again and my DD and another child would tickle him. One time my DD laid on him tickling him and he made no attempt to get up or stop it which seemed totally inappropriate and I called my DD that it was time for us to leave which she did quickly. Whilst saying goodbye to the host I looked over again and he was off the bouncy castle and sat down again, glaring at me with maybe a smirk? Or could have just been his horrible face!
DD had no problem with any of this but didn't seem right to me. But I am overly anxious and listen to a lot of true crime etc.
No other parents at the party seemed concerned or even seemed to notice!

What do you think, was I over reacting?
I would rather over react than under react in these situations tbh.

OP posts:
ThatSunnyCorner · 12/09/2021 14:37

@SaturdaySpread

I actually think all this trust your gut business can be a bit risky. The most accomplished abusers are thoroughly charming and wouldn't trouble your gut.
That's so true. I'm afraid all the 'trust your gut' stuff is extremely misleading. One of our clients, a man, came into our office a number of times and interacted with all of us. We all liked him, he was pleasant and charming and there was nothing any of us picked up in the way of a gut feeling.

He was arrested a few months later and was convicted of child abuse which had been going on for decades. He was one of the most prolific paedophiles this country has ever known.

barskits · 12/09/2021 14:41

@BoredZelda

Completely different situations, one you are being inappropriate, the other you are being responsible.

In your opinion. Some might think it is inappropriate to be over protective of a 12 year old who isn’t mine. Some might think a 12 year old and her parents are entirely capable and asking “do they know where you are” is patronising and assumes their kid disappears places without them knowing. I actually do know of adults who will approach others and be overly familiar, touchy feely in a way that looks awkward to me.

What is “appropriate” is different to different people, but it is also the case that things we do as a matter of course with children would not be seen as acceptable with adults. It is ridiculous to use ‘would you do that to an adult’ is a bullshit argument. The question here is, should you do that with children. I’m not sure a line has been crossed there.

The paedophile I know (in jail now as mentioned above), was also very much a 'ladies man', ever so friendly, big hugs, endless compliments, jolly and happy-go-lucky, you name it, with all the females present at an event, not just the little girls. Everyone knew he was like it, and nobody paid much attention. We just used to back off a bit and keep him at arms-length. Now I know he's a pervert, thinking about how much he got away with makes me shudder.

Like I said before, hiding in plain sight.

Always trust your gut.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 14:47

Stop with the gut thing. Yes we've all got examples of when we didn't like someone on sight and turned out to be right, but how many times has someone you did like turned out not to be who you thought they were?

Gut basically means this man is a bit socially inept and looks funny, must be dodgy, but this one, a good looking expert manipulator is OK. All the serial abusers you've heard of "succeeded" precisely because people liked them and no one thought them odd, despite their actual behaviour not adding up.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families
Pikamoo · 12/09/2021 14:52

@SaturdaySpread

Stop with the gut thing. Yes we've all got examples of when we didn't like someone on sight and turned out to be right, but how many times has someone you did like turned out not to be who you thought they were?

Gut basically means this man is a bit socially inept and looks funny, must be dodgy, but this one, a good looking expert manipulator is OK. All the serial abusers you've heard of "succeeded" precisely because people liked them and no one thought them odd, despite their actual behaviour not adding up.

See, what I get from that is actually we should trust our guts even more. If the behaviour is off don't be swayed by external factors like "oh, he's handsome and charming, everybody likes him and respects him, he couldn't possibly be like that." That's exactly how men get away with this crap. Inappropriate behaviour should always be noticed/the child removed (as OP did). To call it out publicly is obviously a harder call but I think OPs reaction was totally appropriate. He was probably fine but maybe not..
Pikamoo · 12/09/2021 14:53

*Whether to call it out publicly

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 15:01

My point is that like you like/trust the man, your gut won't be ringing alarm bells.

In this example, OP is naturally stressed because it's someone she doesn't know acting inappropriately in public, but actually her child is at greater risk from someone she's known for ages, believes to be "nice" and would trust to take DC for icecream.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 15:24

That's exactly how grooming works. Obviously you're going to be uncomfortable with the man who's over friendly with DD the first time you meet, but the neighbour who always says good morning in the newsagent, makes your mum laugh, helped you when your car broke down and offers to take DD to school when you're stuck...

Pikamoo · 12/09/2021 15:25

Yes but often people will have concerns but they don't trust their gut because of the behaviour of others. Like with Jimmy Saville. Loads of people had their suspicions about him but because of who he was and how lots of people treated him they didn't trust that they were right.

Of course gut instinct isn't enough to label someone a paedophile, it's as good a reason as any to be on your guard though. What would your comment have been if OP had said he was handsome and charming but x, y, z?

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 15:30

@Pikamoo

Yes but often people will have concerns but they don't trust their gut because of the behaviour of others. Like with Jimmy Saville. Loads of people had their suspicions about him but because of who he was and how lots of people treated him they didn't trust that they were right.

Of course gut instinct isn't enough to label someone a paedophile, it's as good a reason as any to be on your guard though. What would your comment have been if OP had said he was handsome and charming but x, y, z?

That's my point exactly. If you rely on gut, OP wouldn't have made this post if she'd found him handsome and charming. He would have been cute chasing the kids and helping them have fun.

Jimmy Saville was nothing to do with people not following their gut, it was friends in high places

OhDearMuriel · 12/09/2021 15:48

No you were definitely not over-reacting.
Paedophiles come in all different shapes, sizes and approaches.

Original poster
Yamaya · 12/09/2021 15:50

Actually he was youngish (30s) what people might call good looking, fashionable etc. I just didn't like something about him. Creepy and obviously the way he was acting.

OP posts:
SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 15:51

@Yamaya

Actually he was youngish (30s) what people might call good looking, fashionable etc. I just didn't like something about him. Creepy and obviously the way he was acting.
You said he had a horrible face in your OP Grin
Pikamoo · 12/09/2021 15:53

@SaturdaySpread not sure how you know OP wouldn't have made this post if he was handsome and charming as I don't think much was mentioned about his looks but ok. I think you're going too far in the other direction - not all predators are going to be slick and charming.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 15:54

[quote Pikamoo]@SaturdaySpread not sure how you know OP wouldn't have made this post if he was handsome and charming as I don't think much was mentioned about his looks but ok. I think you're going too far in the other direction - not all predators are going to be slick and charming.[/quote]
Maybe not but the best ones are

BillyJoe111 · 12/09/2021 15:55

You said he had a horrible face in your OP

You can be very good looking but look horrible or sinister though. I’ve met a few very beautiful people time who often give me the creeps with a sinister looking smirk etc.

Pikamoo · 12/09/2021 15:59

@SaturdaySpread are you for real? So we only need to worry about the "best" paedophiles? Everyone who doesn't fit that description, their dodgy behaviour can be allowed to slide? Ok...

thelastgoldeneagle · 12/09/2021 16:00

@Soapflower

Would you be feeling the same if it was mum playing with the kids? How very sad this thread is
No. Women are much less likely to be abusers and paedophiles than men.
thelastgoldeneagle · 12/09/2021 16:03

Op, yanbu. I'd have felt just as uncomfortable.

Playing with kids - fine. Tickling your own kids - fine. Tickling, falling over on and allowing unknown kids to straddle him??? - not fine at all.

Yuk. At best, an attention-seeking twat. At worst, seriously dodgy.

FreeBritnee · 12/09/2021 16:05

I have no idea if you were right to judge him but your priority is your daughter and keeping her out of harms way. I don’t like one of the fathers of a child in my sons class. I see him watching me sometimes as he knows i make a point of having as little to do with him as possible and he is one of those guys who has to be seen as ‘the good guy’. I just find him creepy and that’s enough for me.

likearoomwithoutaroof · 12/09/2021 16:05

I wouldn't like this and tbh I'd have intervened before you did and said something to him. Nothing rude but I'd have picked her up and said 'we don't play like that with people we don't know, come and do X'. If he's have said anything I'd have told him I like my child to understand appropriate boundaries, thank you.

We have a Dad at the school a bit like this. He's always saying inappropriate things - nothing sexual but just a bit weird. He gives me the total heebies, whilst all the other parents are lining up nicely with their children he's bombing around the playground with them trying to join in their games. My child would not be going on a play date to that house unattended, luckily they don't really get on anyway.

Original poster
Yamaya · 12/09/2021 16:06

He was traditionally good looking but for me he had a horrible face because of his expression (glaring at me smirking) and his general vibe. Literally can't say anything on this website without it being dissected and misinterpreted

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 12/09/2021 16:41

It's impossible to validate or criticise your judgement OP because we weren't there. You had to make a judgement in the moment and you did. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, then definitely don't go against your instincts. But equally, it's fair to acknowledge that instincts can be wrong, and you can't convict someone on the basis of you feeling a bit uncomfortable around them. You can only do your best in the moment. That's what you did, no need to second guess yourself.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 16:51

@Yamaya

He was traditionally good looking but for me he had a horrible face because of his expression (glaring at me smirking) and his general vibe. Literally can't say anything on this website without it being dissected and misinterpreted
My comment about "gut" aren't directed at you, I just think it's important to recognise what causes a gut reaction and that it's just as likely to be wrong when it decides someone's OK as it is right when it decides they're not.

The "best" groomers are good at tricking people's gut. That's what grooming is.

EishetChayil · 12/09/2021 16:51

It's not paranoia to be wary of men acting like this. There are perverts absolutely everywhere. Even the slightest whiff of a perve and I remove my daughter from the situation. Call me extreme and over-cautious but it's just not worth the risk.

EishetChayil · 12/09/2021 16:52

@opalescent

I'm struggling to imagine a situation where my dd would 'straddle' a man for more than 5 seconds before I went over and picked her up, in a way that made it crystal clear that I didn't appreciate it

Same.