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Original poster

Was I over reacting feeling uncomfortable with this

175 replies

Yamaya · 12/09/2021 09:00

My DD is 5 and went to another childs birthday party recently. Not a child we know well, a classmate, whose mum I was meeting for the first time.
It was all in the garden with a bouncy castle. Another guest, a little girl, had her mum and dad at the party and straight away I got creepy vibes from the man but couldn't put my finger on it, brushed it to one side.
When all the little girls sat in a circle for pass the parcel he pretended to fall into the circle and rolled all over them, which they (mostly all of them) found funny but I was thinking get up you prat!
Then towards the end of the party he got on the bouncy castle and started playing chasing and tickling games with my daughter and another child. This is when I started to feel really uncomfortable with the situation. My DD loves when adults play silly so was loving it but I just felt it wasn't appropriate for a grown man to be playing like this with children you only just met and aren't related to?
I called my DD away to have cake but she went straight back to him to keep playing. Then he started "falling over" again and my DD and another child would tickle him. One time my DD laid on him tickling him and he made no attempt to get up or stop it which seemed totally inappropriate and I called my DD that it was time for us to leave which she did quickly. Whilst saying goodbye to the host I looked over again and he was off the bouncy castle and sat down again, glaring at me with maybe a smirk? Or could have just been his horrible face!
DD had no problem with any of this but didn't seem right to me. But I am overly anxious and listen to a lot of true crime etc.
No other parents at the party seemed concerned or even seemed to notice!

What do you think, was I over reacting?
I would rather over react than under react in these situations tbh.

OP posts:
bigvig · 12/09/2021 12:26

@Yaya26

Always listen to your gut. I was abused as a child by two different men. . Both of them started with seemingly friendly touching horseplay/tickles. I hate anyone tickling me now even my own children. I feel overwhelmed/powerless.
Thanks for sharing Yaya. I don't think you over reacted Yamaya. I also had a stepfather who liked tickling children and seemed to be a good man. He was an abuser and the friendly tickling was a calculated act.
powershowerforanhour · 12/09/2021 12:32

*I think it's awful that this man was labelled a paedophile by the OP and other people on the thread.

do think it's very sad that thoughts automatically turn to Men who interact with children being creeps though*

Too bad that the significant minority of bad men have fucked it up for the nice majority of men.
I'll reserve my isn't-it-sad and isn't-it-awful for the anount of victims of rape, torture "porn" and all the rest of it, child sexual abuse that has existed from the dawn of time. The perpatrators of this are reason why nice men can't have nice things, like tickling happy children on a bouncy castle. Fucking diddums. They'll survive without.

Rugsofhonour · 12/09/2021 12:33

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5 year olds Families
OrlandointheWilderness · 12/09/2021 12:41

I have an uncle who is the life and soul and adores playing with the kids. He is very much on their level and initially I was thinking maybe it was something like that - than I gave it serious thought and realised I'd NEVER seen him interact like this with the kids, even my DD who he had known for years and if I had I'd be bloody unsettled.
Playing, yes. Lying there allowing a child you don't know to straddle you is completely and utterly inappropriate.

TheVolturi · 12/09/2021 12:51

To be honest I don't know why anyone, man or woman would feel the need to engage in such involved horseplay like this with other people's kids. Would they run up to another adult and tickle them or even touch them at all? The people saying oh my dh/db/df etc is a kid magnet and loves playing with them like this, why? Someone said their dh plays rough and holds them by the ankles 🙄 wtf?

lollipoprainbow · 12/09/2021 12:52

@TheVolturi it's called having fun and kids love it, I think we need to lighten up a bit.

Tailendofsummer · 12/09/2021 12:57

Ie “oh he is my brother - adores children, don’t worry
Or
“Never met him before in my life. Husband of an acquaintance”
You know either of these could equally be an abuser?

TheVolturi · 12/09/2021 13:01

[quote lollipoprainbow]@TheVolturi it's called having fun and kids love it, I think we need to lighten up a bit. [/quote]
With your own kids - fine. With other people's kids that you do not know - not fine.

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 13:11

Would you be okay with a complete male stranger tickling your DD?!

Bloke in the street, sure. Child friend’s father at their birthday party? Not so much. Well, except that I hate anyone ticking any child as I hated it when I was a child.

This essentially boils down to “man was making kids laugh at a birthday party” I couldn’t get too worked up about it. But if I had an odd feeling, I’d just make sure my child wasn’t left alone with him. What else would you do?

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 13:14

Would they run up to another adult and tickle them or even touch them at all?

I hate these kind of strawman arguments. Are you saying you don’t treat children (your own or others) any different to adults? When DD has friends over, I ask them if their mum knows they are here and what time do they need to be home. I’d never ask that of an adult, am I wrong in doing it to children?

TheVolturi · 12/09/2021 13:19

@BoredZelda

Would they run up to another adult and tickle them or even touch them at all?

I hate these kind of strawman arguments. Are you saying you don’t treat children (your own or others) any different to adults? When DD has friends over, I ask them if their mum knows they are here and what time do they need to be home. I’d never ask that of an adult, am I wrong in doing it to children?

Completely different situations, one you are being inappropriate, the other you are being responsible.
BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 13:25

Completely different situations, one you are being inappropriate, the other you are being responsible.

In your opinion. Some might think it is inappropriate to be over protective of a 12 year old who isn’t mine. Some might think a 12 year old and her parents are entirely capable and asking “do they know where you are” is patronising and assumes their kid disappears places without them knowing. I actually do know of adults who will approach others and be overly familiar, touchy feely in a way that looks awkward to me.

What is “appropriate” is different to different people, but it is also the case that things we do as a matter of course with children would not be seen as acceptable with adults. It is ridiculous to use ‘would you do that to an adult’ is a bullshit argument. The question here is, should you do that with children. I’m not sure a line has been crossed there.

Tiramiwho · 12/09/2021 13:41

@Yamaya

The tickling was the warm up, the bit that really made me feel like it was time to leave was when DD laid on top of him. Basically straddling him and he made no attempt to move. It was about a minute or two, while I watched thinking surely he is going to get up now but I knew I had to do something. Who does that?!

This makes me feel really uncomfortable too and I can completely understand where you are coming from. I also know what you mean about that 'Glaring Smirk' Op. It's weird, but I completely get it.

Almost as though he's saying, "Yeah you know the score, but I got away with it didn't I and who would believe you anyway?"

Hiding in plain sight.

BookFiend4Life · 12/09/2021 13:47

I think you did the right thing op, I'm not sure what I would have done in your shoes. Maybe said to the party host "that man's behavior is making me a little uncomfortable is it OK if I ask him to leave the bounce house?" But I don't know if I would have been brave enough. I do think I might have been able to say "please stop tickling my daughter, we don't play that way at our house" but again that is hard to do. It's very hard to get everything right in a stressful situation like that, I think k you did well.

Soapflower · 12/09/2021 14:05

Would you be feeling the same if it was mum playing with the kids? How very sad this thread is

Why2why · 12/09/2021 14:12

Funny thing is that a lot of abusers are those known to your child rather than strangers and women can also be abusers.

Trust your gut is a dangerous approach.

Mariell · 12/09/2021 14:12

When I was a child 60s/70s men didn’t behave like that and this was way before all the ‘every man is a potential child molester’ world we now live in and it was the same when my children born in the 90s so even who is quite relaxed about adult/child friendliness would have found his behaviour rather odd given that he wasn’t the host of the party, a hired entertainer and hadn’t met your daughter previously nor was he a friend of yours.

However, I disagree with how you handled it as you didn’t say anything at the time.

But then again I am a very confident person and have to understand that not everyone is able to blow their foghorn in front of others.

Pikamoo · 12/09/2021 14:12

@Soapflower

Would you be feeling the same if it was mum playing with the kids? How very sad this thread is
No, because "mum" is much, much less likely to be a predator than "dad" is.
opalescent · 12/09/2021 14:17

@Yamaya

People saying I under reacted in this situation - what would you have done? Give me some options to use in future. I genuinely would like to know this so I can make sure that I react properly next time.
I would have intervened well before it got to 'straddling' and called my daughter away from the tickling. I would have started a game with her myself, so that she was engaged away from this man, and similarly blocked any further attempts of his to start games with her.

In the very unlikely event that my dd ended up lying on him, I would have physically picked her up off him, and walked away.

If I had been challenged by him or anyone else (which I think is highly unlikely ), I would have said that I found it uncomfortable and didn't want my daughter to play that way with a man she doesn't know.

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 14:18

I think your instinct about him was probably spot on- he repeatedly engineered to have the front of his body in Close contact with children. Who does that?

opalescent · 12/09/2021 14:20

@Soapflower

Would you be feeling the same if it was mum playing with the kids? How very sad this thread is
To say that this thread is sad, is to be naive to the point of obtuse.

Of course a man can show affection to a child, play and entertain.

An adult man should not be playing 'tickling games' with unknown 4 year old girls, should not be 'pretending to fall on them' and under no circumstances anytime anywhere, be 'straddled' by one.

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 14:20

I think you should have told him to leave the children alone. All adults no not to instigate physical contact with random children.

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 14:21

Lots of men sexually abuse children. Sometimes in plain sight.

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 14:21

Know not no

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 12/09/2021 14:23

Absolutely I would’ve stopped that, you were right to take your child home. That’s not appropriate at all. I have good reason to really worry about this kind of behaviour and you were absolutely right to be unnerved tbh.

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