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Original poster

Was I over reacting feeling uncomfortable with this

175 replies

Yamaya · 12/09/2021 09:00

My DD is 5 and went to another childs birthday party recently. Not a child we know well, a classmate, whose mum I was meeting for the first time.
It was all in the garden with a bouncy castle. Another guest, a little girl, had her mum and dad at the party and straight away I got creepy vibes from the man but couldn't put my finger on it, brushed it to one side.
When all the little girls sat in a circle for pass the parcel he pretended to fall into the circle and rolled all over them, which they (mostly all of them) found funny but I was thinking get up you prat!
Then towards the end of the party he got on the bouncy castle and started playing chasing and tickling games with my daughter and another child. This is when I started to feel really uncomfortable with the situation. My DD loves when adults play silly so was loving it but I just felt it wasn't appropriate for a grown man to be playing like this with children you only just met and aren't related to?
I called my DD away to have cake but she went straight back to him to keep playing. Then he started "falling over" again and my DD and another child would tickle him. One time my DD laid on him tickling him and he made no attempt to get up or stop it which seemed totally inappropriate and I called my DD that it was time for us to leave which she did quickly. Whilst saying goodbye to the host I looked over again and he was off the bouncy castle and sat down again, glaring at me with maybe a smirk? Or could have just been his horrible face!
DD had no problem with any of this but didn't seem right to me. But I am overly anxious and listen to a lot of true crime etc.
No other parents at the party seemed concerned or even seemed to notice!

What do you think, was I over reacting?
I would rather over react than under react in these situations tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yamaya · 12/09/2021 11:08

People saying I under reacted in this situation - what would you have done? Give me some options to use in future. I genuinely would like to know this so I can make sure that I react properly next time.

OP posts:

BillyJoe111 · 12/09/2021 11:11

@Yamaya

I would have walked over, removed my child immediately and said to him “this is making me uncomfortable, you should stop”.

I would have then asked the host to have a word.

I know it’s hard though.

BillyJoe111 · 12/09/2021 11:11

I would have then gone on to explain to the child why that wasn’t appropriate.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families

Original poster

Yamaya · 12/09/2021 11:14

I spoke to her afterwards about we don't play like that with people we don't know. She said why not? So I said not every adult is nice, so we don't play like that with them. She said but he was nice.

OP posts:

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 11:18

@Yamaya

Removed my daughter

Asked to speak with the host privately and said

“Look, I am possibly over reacting here but I am not comfortable with a stranger behaving like that with my daughter. Do you know him?”

And go from there

Ie “oh he is my brother - adores children, don’t worry

“Never met him before in my life. Husband of an acquaintance”

I’d respond and react accordingly

But you did… nothing

Original poster

Yamaya · 12/09/2021 11:20

I did do something. I got my daughter away from him. And we left. How is that doing nothing.

OP posts:

Goldenbear · 12/09/2021 11:25

I find all that behaviour embarrassing and I'm sure it is more the adult that loves it than the children. I find the childish joker types play out this title in every context though, even with adults and yes, there is something about the behaviour that is not right in my mind. I felt like that as a child with those types and I am in my early 40s so it is not to do with being influenced by the media and labelling as a result. It is hard to know what to do though as you are acting on instinct and like others say that may be wrong.

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2021 11:25

I wouldn't have been comfortable with that either.
When my children were at primary school, there was a similar dad and he used to chase children round the playground, swing them round, tickle them etc. Also used to invite children round to the pool in their garden.
He was probably completely harmless and just didn't appreciate appropriate boundaries but it didn't sit right with me , so my DD stayed firmly by my side!
Acting in plain sight and all that

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 11:30

@Yamaya

I spoke to her afterwards about we don't play like that with people we don't know. She said why not? So I said not every adult is nice, so we don't play like that with them. She said but he was nice.

Hmm. So how many time does she meet him before he becomes someone she "knows"?

In any case the vast majority of crimes against children are committed by someone they do know. Teaching stranger danger is as dangerous as relying on gut.

BillyJoe111 · 12/09/2021 11:35

@Yamaya

I spoke to her afterwards about we don't play like that with people we don't know. She said why not? So I said not every adult is nice, so we don't play like that with them. She said but he was nice.

From my point of view, it starts from when they archery young. Like I’ve said, I’ve instilled it in my children since they could understand that you are in charge of your body and that no one can touch you, or kiss you or play with you closely apart from mummy and daddy. Some people have said i’m terrible for that, but I never wanted my children to feel uncomfortable for the sake of being polite or having blurred boundaries.

In your shoes, I would tell dd that a stranger, a friend, any other adult or another child who makes you feel in shouldn’t roll around with your or tickle you, or touch you.

Make her feel safe to be “rude” and say stop.

BillyJoe111 · 12/09/2021 11:36

Archery young?! I think
i meant very young.

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 11:41

Make her feel safe to be “rude” and say stop.

But she didn't want it to stop? I'm not saying it shouldn't have been stopped but the child wasn't uncomfortable.

lollipoprainbow · 12/09/2021 11:42

@Rugsofhonour agree with you I think it's awful that this man was labelled a paedophile by the OP and other people on the thread.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/09/2021 11:42

He does sound creepy. Even if it was all innocent and he had no bad intentions, surely any adult would know you don’t have other people’s children lying on you! The thought makes me feel ill. I also think the tickling was inappropriate. I’ve seen dads chase children (including ones they don’t know) but rarely do they touch them, and even then it’s a brief ‘caught you’ tap on the shoulder.

InnPain · 12/09/2021 11:45

Personally I’d have taken my child aside and had a quiet word about staying away from this man and not getting physical with him tickling etc as he is a stranger. Kids is a diff story but not a grown ass man! I’m also not getting good vibes from this story, especially the rolling all over the kids and the lying there loving getting tickled by youngsters.

BillyJoe111 · 12/09/2021 11:46

@SaturdaySpread

Make her feel safe to be “rude” and say stop.

But she didn't want it to stop? I'm not saying it shouldn't have been stopped but the child wasn't uncomfortable.

That’s why I said if you want to instill those boundaries it has to start young.

It’s difficult when they child does like it. My daughter wouldn’t have joined in because she has different boundaries in place (i’ve seen her walk away from that sort of play with relatives and cousins for example).

So it’s a hard one.

I’m not saying he was probably a pedophile. But it would make me uncomfortable and I do think it’s in appropriate behaviour.

(I do work with offenders though and I do tend to see the bad in most people, we are all coloured by our life experiences).

barskits · 12/09/2021 11:48

Hiding in plain sight. That's how they get away with so much.

And yes, I am someone who felt uncomfortable about somebody I know who was behaving in an overly friendly 'cuddly grandad' way with kids for years. He has turned out to be a pervert and was recently sent to prison for child sexual abuse. At the sentencing it came out that he'd been accused of it before, years ago, and got away with it.

BillyJoe111 · 12/09/2021 11:48

I’ve also see far too many people who have been the victims of crime as they didn’t want to be “rude” by leaving a situation, or telling someone outright to fuck off, so again, I’m clouded by that and I work to make sure my children know that to do those things are fine.

Not the point of this, but just to say where i’m coming from with my posts.

PaperDolphin · 12/09/2021 11:48

OP I wouldn't discuss it with your dd again. She did nothing wrong so doesn't need to alter her behaviour. It's done now and you reacted appropriately, I would report to school DSL just in case. Give it a little while then show her the pants talk video by NSPCC but leave long enough so she doesn't associate the two. Aside from that, try to put it out of your head now.

Clymene · 12/09/2021 11:56

This is why the message that CSA is being touched in a way you don't like is an absolute gift to paedophiles. Often sexual abuse is physically enjoyable for the child.

I would also have felt uncomfortable and agree that you should report your concerns to the safeguarding lead at school

VladmirsPoutine · 12/09/2021 11:59

@BlackeyedSusan

Report to school safeguarding lead. Totally inappropriate.

Really?

ImInStealthMode · 12/09/2021 12:01

I can't say how I'd have reacted in the situation, probably the same as you OP.

I do think it's very sad that thoughts automatically turn to Men who interact with children being creeps though. My ex-husband was a magnet for kids, loved playing the clown and had worked in a nursery and as a play worker in the past so very comfortable interacting with kids he did and didn't know personally. At the parties of our friend's children he was often the star guest as far as the kids were concerned, and he didn't even have his own kids. Christ knows what people must have thought, reading this thread

AnnaSW1 · 12/09/2021 12:02

I'm with you @Yamaya. I would have put a stop to this.

lollipoprainbow · 12/09/2021 12:03

Report to the school safeguarding lead? Why ? Talk about overreacting.

Yaya26 · 12/09/2021 12:03

Always listen to your gut. I was abused as a child by two different men. . Both of them started with seemingly friendly touching horseplay/tickles. I hate anyone tickling me now even my own children. I feel overwhelmed/powerless.

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