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Original poster

Moral dilemma what would you do

148 replies

Stokesm · 04/09/2021 14:59

Name changed as lots of posts under my old name.

DD 6. No contact with her father since she was 3. CMS is utterly useless, they occasionally get a bit of money out of him every now and then - he’s in arrears of 3k at the moment.

He’s contacted me out of the blue. He’s selling his house and moving with his partner, he wants to pay me 10k for DD as “full and final payment” (his words not mine) if I agree to call off the CMS and leave him alone.

Would you take it? Or say fuck you and double down?

He’s supposed to pay around £380 a month for her. I probably get around £1000 a year at the most.

OP posts:
Wapawapa · 04/09/2021 15:01

Nope I'd say F. U.
How dare he?

HollowTalk · 04/09/2021 15:02

Well I've just worked it out that if you got £380 per month from now until she's 18, that would be £54,720. Add on the £3K arrears and that's £57,720. So my answer would be no.

AuditAngel · 04/09/2021 15:03

If he’s meant to pay £380 a month, that is £4,560 a year, so he wants to pay 2 years of payments, none of the back payments and be done with it?

I know what my answer would be

britnay · 04/09/2021 15:04

Full and final payment?! What is she, a chair?!

over2021 · 04/09/2021 15:04

Hahaha, nope not a chance but given he has some cash free might be worth reming CMS of his arrears....

Original poster
Stokesm · 04/09/2021 15:04

But I will never get the £380 a month. I’ll get it occasionally and only with a fuck ton of effort and hassling and chasing him around the country. I’ve had to hire a private investigator TWICE to track him down and give his address to CMS. He’s obviously now moving again so I won’t get fuck all for the next 6 months.

But also yes, maybe it’s worth it just to fuck him over for the next 12 years

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 04/09/2021 15:05

I would refuse, why does he get to call the shots, let cms continue to chase

Original poster
Stokesm · 04/09/2021 15:06

CMS won’t go after his arrears this year. They are only allowed to attempt a money grab ONCE A YEAR and they’ve already tried this year.

I could literally tell them the money is in his bank (which it won’t be, he’ll have moved it) and they still wouldn’t do jack shit

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 04/09/2021 15:09

Take the money for the back payment and however long it will cover and then carry on chasing him via CMS.

Mariell · 04/09/2021 15:10

My children’s father never gave me a penny for either of them. CMS never got a penny out of him either as he was a complete snake with his finances.

Given that he is unlikely to pay it’s up to you to take that lump sum and use it for your daughter but personally I would refused and leave it with CMS even it means you get nothing as at least you will have your pride.

Justilou1 · 04/09/2021 15:11

Tell CMS to take the money he owes from the sale of his house. Then you will at least have 3 grand. Then ensure they follow him to the ends of the earth to keep bleeding him.

RossIsTheBestFriend · 04/09/2021 15:12

@Stokesm He sounds delightful OP! Sounds like he’s haggling at a bloody market 😓

I wouldn’t take it. Imagine the situation where your DD decides to track him down herself when he’s older and he turns it into “Your mum took £10k so that I wouldn’t contact you”.

By all means send proof of his offer to CMS and let them know he’s feeling a bit flush with the cash just now though. Double down and don’t let him get out of his responsibilities!

HollowTalk · 04/09/2021 15:12

It's a disgrace that payments don't automatically come out of someone's wages. It's completely unfair that men treat their children like this - it should be a criminal offence.

illuyankas · 04/09/2021 15:12

I would negotiate for more than 10k, but I do think it could be better to take it and be done with him, rather than constantly chasing after him for money he won't pay.
But I don't know how the system works in UK, so my view is skewed.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 15:13

Unless you are literally unable to feed yourselves some days I dont think you should. You don't want to have to tell your DD someday that you took a "lump sum" from daddy because you knew he wanted sweet FA to do with her and that you'd only get this money if you took it now as "full and final payment".

SirChenjins · 04/09/2021 15:14

I presume his ‘full and final’ wouldn’t stand up in court? If that’s the case I’d say ‘yes I will take £10k’ and would carry on pursuing him through the CMS as per normal.

Arsehole. Quite why the UK is so soft on parents like him I do not know.

JacquelineCarlyle · 04/09/2021 15:14

I'd take it and then use CMS to go after him again next year - presumably he can't make you sign a legally binding agreement, so he'll be taking you at your word. He sounds vile so I wouldn't think twice about doing this.

JacquelineCarlyle · 04/09/2021 15:15

@SirChenjins - great minds Grin

kitkatsky · 04/09/2021 15:15

Ignore the message. What an insult. Even if you never get the 10k surely there must be a bit of satisfaction in knowing he's having to be reminded what a shit human being he is regularly by the CMS for the next few years. I wonder if he's scared about his new partner finding out

Original poster
Stokesm · 04/09/2021 15:16

They do take money automatically from wages. But if they don’t get it they ask nicely and then just add it to the arrears. There is a million weird and wonderful ways to not pay for your children if you are so inclined.

I would keep the message he has sent me as proof for DD.

I’m trying to work out how much of my own time I spend on this and how much I get paid an hour at work. Not sure it isn’t better to cut my losses and run.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stokesm · 04/09/2021 15:17

His partner fully facilitates him not paying for his child. She walked out on 3 of her own. They are well suited

OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 04/09/2021 15:18

Don’t reward him for avoiding you and not paying his share. I get it’s a hassle but he should pay what he owes.

Soubriquet · 04/09/2021 15:19

Take the money

It’s all well and good saying what he should be paying but if you know he won’t pay take what you can and leave it at that.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 04/09/2021 15:19

I presume his ‘full and final’ wouldn’t stand up in court? If that’s the case I’d say ‘yes I will take £10k’ and would carry on pursuing him through the CMS as per normal.

This

Mummamama · 04/09/2021 15:20

If the house being sold is his can CMS not put a charge on the property for the arrears? Can you go through court for the arrears and ongoing maintenance to get enforcement with a charging order on the property and attachment of earnings so maintenance comes directly out of his earnings? I've seen it done before but dont know how it goes from CMS to county court

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