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Original poster

Moral dilemma what would you do

148 replies

Stokesm · 04/09/2021 14:59

Name changed as lots of posts under my old name.

DD 6. No contact with her father since she was 3. CMS is utterly useless, they occasionally get a bit of money out of him every now and then - he’s in arrears of 3k at the moment.

He’s contacted me out of the blue. He’s selling his house and moving with his partner, he wants to pay me 10k for DD as “full and final payment” (his words not mine) if I agree to call off the CMS and leave him alone.

Would you take it? Or say fuck you and double down?

He’s supposed to pay around £380 a month for her. I probably get around £1000 a year at the most.

OP posts:
Boombadoom · 04/09/2021 18:55

Say yes. Then carry on with CMS.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/09/2021 18:57

The CMS was bloody useless back in the 1980's and has never improved. I never got a penny.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/09/2021 18:58

i would refuse the payment and say £30,000 or I go back to CMS. You don't have to settle for the figure he's given you.

diddl · 04/09/2021 19:02

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

i would refuse the payment and say £30,000 or I go back to CMS. You don't have to settle for the figure he's given you.
Why £30,000?
Plumtree391 · 04/09/2021 19:03

I'm so annoyed with your ex, Stokes. I can't help wondering what his new partner thinks about it all. A mature person would wonder what sort of man would treat their offspring so shabbily.

diddl · 04/09/2021 19:06

@Plumtree391

I'm so annoyed with your ex, Stokes. I can't help wondering what his new partner thinks about it all. A mature person would wonder what sort of man would treat their offspring so shabbily.
According to Op- "His partner fully facilitates him not paying for his child. She walked out on 3 of her own. They are well suited"
Plumtree391 · 04/09/2021 19:14

Gosh, I missed that one. They are welcome to each other. I could murder the pair of them assuming they aren't teenagers.

EduardoImagined · 05/09/2021 01:20

So many people here giving advice who have clearly never been through the system when absent parents refuse to pay. The stuff you read or get told is how things will be calculated and paid isn't the reality by a million miles. I don't condone settling for an unfair payment but please don't rely on the government to get you what they say you are legally owed.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2021 01:27

I agree with those saying take the money and pursue him anyway.

I would actually try and bump it up a bit more by negotiating.

I would also get a cheap phone and sim, tell him you changed your number, conduct all conversations over that, and then get rid of it and deny all knowledge of the conversation.

You get the lump sum and any dribs and drabs of money CMS can get out fo him anyway.

I don't know the legal stance on this at all though.

Missmonkeypenny · 05/09/2021 01:59

I would personally say you'll take the money but you want him to relinquish his parental rights and sign the necessary paperwork so he can't ever crawl out of the woodwork .

bumblingbovine49 · 05/09/2021 08:04

@Stokesm

Name changed as lots of posts under my old name.

DD 6. No contact with her father since she was 3. CMS is utterly useless, they occasionally get a bit of money out of him every now and then - he’s in arrears of 3k at the moment.

He’s contacted me out of the blue. He’s selling his house and moving with his partner, he wants to pay me 10k for DD as “full and final payment” (his words not mine) if I agree to call off the CMS and leave him alone.

Would you take it? Or say fuck you and double down?

He’s supposed to pay around £380 a month for her. I probably get around £1000 a year at the most.

Could.you ask the CMS about this ? What effect will his paying you this much have on what he owes you in say 2-3 years?. Will they go back to chasing him after that if you ask? If they will I'd tell him yes to the money but lie about accepting it as final payment. I'd use it to cover his arrears and then on the day the ' advance payment ' runs out chase again. I would not sign anything just say I agree with it being a final payment but it would be a lie . It might not work but it may and you'd have some of the money at least
DifficultBloodyWoman · 05/09/2021 09:33

I’d say ok.

Even if he pays up, I would continue with the CMS claim. You cannot make full and final payment for a child or for child support. He is being a dickhead.

UrgentHelpforFriend · 05/09/2021 09:47

I understand op, in this situation maybe it's better but.. I would present what he owes and what he should give by age 18..ie around 50 grand?

I would therefore haggle up and ask for at least 20 to be left alone...

Then invest a few thousand in a stocks and shares isa for your dd to grow it for when she is 18.

UrgentHelpforFriend · 05/09/2021 09:49

The people say persue him, it's the emotional contact that will drain op, the endless disappointment that he won't pay up and endless hurt..

UrgentHelpforFriend · 05/09/2021 09:52

"imagine not wanting to pay for your own child"

Actually, people have sex and produce children and don't bond with them, probably have no idea what healthy relationships are, the are selfish and egotistical, there is no concept of putting the dc first and especially not if they havant bonded.
It's very very common sadly.

CliffsofMohair · 05/09/2021 09:57

@SirChenjins

I presume his ‘full and final’ wouldn’t stand up in court? If that’s the case I’d say ‘yes I will take £10k’ and would carry on pursuing him through the CMS as per normal.

Arsehole. Quite why the UK is so soft on parents like him I do not know.

Look at the man currently in charge.
AnneElliott · 05/09/2021 10:05

Is take the money and then not withdraw the CMS claim. I do t think there's a legal way he can get you to sign in full and final settlement.

What a shower of Shite the CMS is. This is something the US does much better. We should be taking a lead out of their book.

Nosferatussidebit · 05/09/2021 10:21

Take it. It wouldn't be legally binding so once the £10k is passed in payment terms go back to the CMS.

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/09/2021 10:51

I think you need some legal advice OP. I'm not convinced that either you or he have the power to contract out of CM. I'm not sure to whom the legal obligation is - is this money that your child is entitled to, rather than you, and therefore you do not have the authority to end the obligation for him to pay? I don't know the legalities.

I think you have to weigh up the impact of the decision on you and your daughter, rather than a sense of what is right and just. Obviously he should bloody well pay for his child and £10k is an insult, but if the reality of the situation is that you need the guaranteed (not that he sounds reliable) £10k and chasing him is causing you distress and affecting you and DD then it may be worth considering to have him out of your lives. Worth considering also that he may still decide at some point in the future to seek contact with his DD so this "deal" is no guarantee that you are done with him unfortunately.

If you seek legal advice and the "full and final payment" is not legally enforceable, I'd be tempted to send him a message via a separate method of communication (e.g. don't respond directly to his email, send a separate text) so that he has no proof that his message was received by you. You could claim your response was based on a verbal conversation that went differently. "Dear ex, I'm delighted that you've decided to make a payment towards your daughter. Here are my bank details to transfer the £10k...". Don't sign anything. Don't agree in writing to it being "full and final payment". Just hope that he pays it and then start the CMS claim once the £10k is spent which is in around 18 months if you deduct his arrears.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with such an arsehole. Why are so many men like this?

Heliachi · 05/09/2021 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/09/2021 11:55

Say yes. Insist on full contact details 'just in case' for emergencies.

Then just pass his details onto CMS once he's no longer in credit on his CS.

TheWoleb · 05/09/2021 15:29

@IWantT0BreakFree

There is no legal requirement to use CMS or even to accept payments from an ex. You do not have to take money from your ex, but your ex is required to pay it if asked.

At the moment, and for the last 2 years, my ex hasn't paid anything at all because he is saving for a mortgage and by paying CMS minumum, he was really finding it impossible to raise the money for a deposit. We agreed to just scrap the payments.

Now, my ex is in a vulnerable position because we didnt write any of that down. If I decided to be a dick, I could call CMS and tell them that he hasnt made the payments. We have an open case due to the bad split years and years ago so he has a minimum to pay. They would go after him for not paying. But I'm not going to tell them. As far as they know, its paid. It only becomes a problem for him if I complain. Nothing happens to me; I'm under no legal obligation to accept any money.

We only agreed this because our relationship has massively improved since the split. We were very young and we didnt own a home. We split and that was that. I have since bought a house and I'm doing much better than him. I dont need the money from him (the kids dont need it) but he needs it to get a home. Right now he flat shares so the kids cannot go overnight. It will be better for everyone if he can get a home of his own.

StrawberryJamSandwiches · 05/09/2021 15:56

Take it, he's never going to pay anyways, might as well make yours and your DD's life a tad easier, at least for a short while. What a dick though.

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