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Original poster

Moral dilemma what would you do

148 replies

Stokesm · 04/09/2021 14:59

Name changed as lots of posts under my old name.

DD 6. No contact with her father since she was 3. CMS is utterly useless, they occasionally get a bit of money out of him every now and then - he’s in arrears of 3k at the moment.

He’s contacted me out of the blue. He’s selling his house and moving with his partner, he wants to pay me 10k for DD as “full and final payment” (his words not mine) if I agree to call off the CMS and leave him alone.

Would you take it? Or say fuck you and double down?

He’s supposed to pay around £380 a month for her. I probably get around £1000 a year at the most.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 04/09/2021 15:20

Oooh I like the fact you can still persue him for the money. Call the £10k as back payment and calculate to when it runs out and then start claiming again

MimiDaisy11 · 04/09/2021 15:21

It might be worth getting legal advice as to whether taking the 10k as others have suggested would mean he could get out of paying. I think there’s a high chance it wouldn’t and once the £10k has covered what he’s meant to pay go after him again. He’s been deceitful with you. You have no obligation to be honourable with him

KintsugiCat · 04/09/2021 15:23

Stick to the high ground.

I’d seriously doubt whether you’d ever see the £10k if you did agree.

He’ll just try to force you to withdraw your CMS claim before he gives you the money.

godmum56 · 04/09/2021 15:24

@MimiDaisy11

It might be worth getting legal advice as to whether taking the 10k as others have suggested would mean he could get out of paying. I think there’s a high chance it wouldn’t and once the £10k has covered what he’s meant to pay go after him again. He’s been deceitful with you. You have no obligation to be honourable with him
this....CAB might be able to give you some free advice on the legalities....but i like the idea of taking it and THEN chasing him for more Grin
Heruka · 04/09/2021 15:24

I’m assuming you’ve asked him why he thinks he shouldn’t be responsible for paying for his child? What a dickhead. Has he had any interest in seeing her? Your poor DD. I think legal advice on this is a good idea.

HalzTangz · 04/09/2021 15:24

As he barely pays you anyway I would take it but let CMS chase him still. Why should you call them off because he want to be a shit parent

cookingisoverrated · 04/09/2021 15:25

£10k is barely 2 years worth of child support based on what he should be paying you.

What a fucker.

Tell him no, tell CMS to stay on him, and save the email to show your DD someday when she asks about him.

Shame they don't pursue payments like they do in the states here: they'll start taking driver's licenses, business licenses, etc and even put them in jail for not paying child support. And the US military doesn't fuck around either; they deduct it straight from their wages and send the money straight to the ex with the children.

cookingisoverrated · 04/09/2021 15:25

@HollowTalk

It's a disgrace that payments don't automatically come out of someone's wages. It's completely unfair that men treat their children like this - it should be a criminal offence.
Completely agree.
EarringsandLipstick · 04/09/2021 15:25

I’d seriously doubt whether you’d ever see the £10k if you did agree.

This.

I'd be amazed if a man who consistently fails to pay anything close to £380 a month for his daughter, ever ponies up £10k. Not going to happen.

Say no & then stop discussing it. He's not worth your energy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/09/2021 15:28

I'd counter offer with £50k and negotiate down to £30k minimum. If he's got money right now I'd take it and cut my losses.

JingleTangle · 04/09/2021 15:28

There's no way on earth I would take the "full and final payment". I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of even looking like I thought my daughters life and self esteem was worth that little. Imagine if your daughter found out?!

MiddleParking · 04/09/2021 15:33

@HollowTalk

Well I've just worked it out that if you got £380 per month from now until she's 18, that would be £54,720. Add on the £3K arrears and that's £57,720. So my answer would be no.
I’d say this to him. If he wants to make it £57,720, great, otherwise you’ll stick to CMS. Worth keeping at it just to make his life difficult in my opinion.
PerseverancePays · 04/09/2021 15:34

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Take the money.

Put it in an investment isa for her, with any luck , by the time she’s out of uni/training she’ll have a deposit for a house.

Kithic · 04/09/2021 15:34

take the 10k and keep the claim live

do you have to sign anything?

HollowTalk · 04/09/2021 15:34

@Stokesm

His partner fully facilitates him not paying for his child. She walked out on 3 of her own. They are well suited
They sound made for each other. I hope they don't have any children together.
TheRebelle · 04/09/2021 15:36

I’d be very surprised if he actually gave you £10k, he might send you £3k then keep promising to send the rest, but you’ll never see it. Tbh I’d just go back to him and say I don’t believe you’d ever give me it willingly so I won’t dignify your offer with an answer.

Haffdonga · 04/09/2021 15:36

What would be best for your dd?

Jessaas · 04/09/2021 15:37

So he's offering £10k.

In theory you should receive £57k up to her 18th.

Tell him you'll accept £45k now.

Plumtree391 · 04/09/2021 15:37

@Soubriquet

Oooh I like the fact you can still persue him for the money. Call the £10k as back payment and calculate to when it runs out and then start claiming again
That x 100!
bogoffmda · 04/09/2021 15:37

There is nothing moral about this - he is simply amoral.

Take it and pursue for more.

MintMatchmaker · 04/09/2021 15:37

You have to wonder why he's offering the £10k if he''s successfully avoiding paying via the CSA?

It may be that he's trying to avoid telling his partner that he has a child?

girlmom21 · 04/09/2021 15:38

Are you financially comfortable without the money from him each month?
Would a £10k payout benefit you hugely right now?

If the £10k would, for example, allow you to pay off a debt or give you enough to add to your savings and get a mortgage, thus giving you a better quality of life, I'd take it.

If it'd be a nice to have, but wouldn't stand you in a better position long term, I would continue pursuing him.
And maybe also let CMS know he clearly has the money to be able to pay Smile

enragedhedgehog · 04/09/2021 15:38

A friends husband was owed about 10k from her child's dad and the CMS never got a penny from him, she ended up getting a letter from them essentially saying there going to write it off.

So part of me wants to tell you say no and keep pursuing but after knowing women who've never gotten a penny going through CMS, I wouldn't blame you if you took the 10k

It's a pittance but better than nothing.

fairgame84 · 04/09/2021 15:38

I've been in a similar situation.
Take it. CMS are useless and 10k is better than nothing.

LH1987 · 04/09/2021 15:39

I’d take a deal to get rid of him but it would be have to be for around 25k. Try to renegotiate it.

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