Moral dilemma what would you do

[Stokesm]

Name changed as lots of posts under my old name.

DD 6. No contact with her father since she was 3. CMS is utterly useless, they occasionally get a bit of money out of him every now and then - he’s in arrears of 3k at the moment.

He’s contacted me out of the blue. He’s selling his house and moving with his partner, he wants to pay me 10k for DD as “full and final payment” (his words not mine) if I agree to call off the CMS and leave him alone.

Would you take it? Or say fuck you and double down?

He’s supposed to pay around £380 a month for her. I probably get around £1000 a year at the most.

Ask for £15k.

The constant money discussions is one of the worst parts of dealing with an ex.

Take the money, make peace with your decision and find a gentle way to let your DD know later on in life what happened.

Oh and make sure you spend at least £100 of it on YOU. New haircut, piece of costume jewellery- anything but something for you.

I would ask for 15-20k if he would agree to it.
You said you hardly get anything anyway without hard effort so better sparrow in the hand than pigeon on the roof.

Don’t understand all this pride business. Not that I’ve given it too much thought, but I think I’d just take the money so I don’t have to waste anymore mental space on him. Surely you’ll feel so much lighter without this dead weight hanging around?.

Tricky. I’d see if I could negotiate more.

If you decide to accept it would give you a lot of peace of mind that you won’t have to deal with again. That must be worth something.

What do you want to do?

My ex didn't bother with either of our kids less than 2 years after he left. He played the system perfectly to avoid paying. Ran up over 4000 debt with old CSA that I was promised I would get but then they wiped the debt (called it an unrecoverable historic debt) a few years after they changed to the CMS and I had no say in it. He now owes me almost 3000 with them as he would refuse to deal with them so they just calculated it on the minimum amount of £10 a week for both of my kids! I was again promised I would get this until the amount was paid. However once my kids turned 18 they told me they could no longer recover arrears if the other parent is on benefits. They never managed to catch him even when he was working and taking flash holidays. The whole system is broken. At one point he denied parentage of my youngest but would refuse dna test. I had to tell my daughter she would need to get tested. He never did go for dna test as he knew she was his but it didn't stop him derailing the CMS a number of times by claiming it. Some absent parents will do anything not to pay. For some reason payments have started again this yearat less than 7 quid a week. No explanation for this. If it was me I would be tempted to take it if you risk getting nothing in future.

Take the money as back payment. Then carry on with CMS.
They will not consider that full and final payment. They'll consider it extra payment. If the paying parent chooses to pay more at one time, CMS won't take it off future payments. CMS is the minimum. They can pay extra.

Take the money. Inform CMS that he has paid off the arrears.

@SirChenjins

I presume his ‘full and final’ wouldn’t stand up in court? If that’s the case I’d say ‘yes I will take £10k’ and would carry on pursuing him through the CMS as per normal.

Arsehole. Quite why the UK is so soft on parents like him I do not know.

THIS OP sod him and his new house

In the US they eventually
Deduct from
Social
Security and tax refund payments. Will they ever take from money he gets from the government, even if it is much later?

So the 10k is what-about a year plus what he owes?

So I agree that you might as well take it plus carry on pursuing.

@PerseverancePays

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Take the money.

Put it in an investment isa for her, with any luck , by the time she’s out of uni/training she’ll have a deposit for a house.

I'd probably do this, to be honest.

@NuffSaidSam

Take the money for the back payment and however long it will cover and then carry on chasing him via CMS.

This.

I don't think morals come into this, except for his complete lack of morals, that he's not bothered to support his own child.

In your place, I'd be completely practical and do whatever I thought would get the most money for my daughter. You're her mother, there for her day and night. If this ever comes up when she's older, she'll understand that you weren't putting a price on her or devaluing her in any way. You're simply doing what you think is best to provide for her needs. Whatever you think is best for the two of you, do that.

Id take it to be rid of him tbh. I have two exes to deal with and they can both be absolute fuckers when it comes to maintenance. If wither of them offered me this I'd bite their hands off and never think of them ever again!

For the sake of your own mental health coupled with the hassle factor... and knowing that you stand a chance of actually getting this money.... I'd say take it.

Later on you can always pursue a further claim

That’s disgusting of him. She’s his daughter not a possession he can get rid of as he sees fit. It would be awful for your child to learn of this one day so if you can afford not to I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

I would say no way and keep pursuing. It is awful they have the ability to take it from his wages directly but don’t just do that every month.

@britnay exactly! What the f*ck

@HollowTalk

Well I've just worked it out that if you got £380 per month from now until she's 18, that would be £54,720. Add on the £3K arrears and that's £57,720. So my answer would be no.

And I’d be telling him that too. Wanker.

Take the £10k, then tell the CMS he's paid off the arrears. He can't offer to pay nearly £40k less than the legal minimum and expect that to be it.

I'm probably in the minority here, but I would take it. Do you really want to be chasing him for 12 years and as you say CMS will barely do much to get the money for you. Having to never deal with him again will save you so much stress.

Ha DD2's father has never paid a penny and now he's in Mexico. If it wasn't for my family, DD2 and I would have starved when she was a baby.

Take the £10k and still pursue him through CMS.

Totally take the 10k, give it a year and then bring a claim. 100%

I'd take it and be well rid.
Surely no one needs this level of stress! Chasing him? Private investigators? Fuck that hassle. And the negative emotions and worry and upset. I'd be delighted to get a lump sum and him fuck right off. There's no chance you'll get what you're rightfully owed. Get him out of yours and your child's life.
Move on.

I'd tell him to go and f&%# himself

@blisstwins

In the US they eventually Deduct from Social Security and tax refund payments. Will they ever take from money he gets from the government, even if it is much later?

In the state I live in failure to pay child support is a felony with jail time, hefty fines, and loss of any professional licenses. A friend's ex was jailed, fined, and lost his contractor's license as well as his driver's license. Now THAT'S the way to enforce!

But a negotiated final settlement on arrearage and ongoing payments is legal and enforceable here as long as the mother is not on public assistance. It has to go through court and has to be fair and approved by a judge.

I know OP is not in the US, but if it were me I'd take legal advice before agreeing to anything. But I'd NEVER agree to a paltry £10k. OP says she's lucky if she gets £1k a year. Even at that, he's only offering what would amount to 10 years worth of the pittance he pays.