Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

416 replies

Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 08:36

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 12:23

Twounderfive83 thankyou

Bollindger thankyou

OP posts:
DottyHarmer · 03/09/2021 12:27

I think the issue slightly changes because the boy is useful to your ds in that he has a mate to travel to school with in the wake of last year’s beating up incident.

If you really value the company and assurance he offers your ds, then I would soak up the dsis coming along too. If you say no to the dsis or imply she is not welcome, the dm could easily say that her two will be going together, and your ds loses his companion.

I think you have to assess how much the boy’s friendship in the mornings means to ds. It wouldn’t be great if he were left feeling vulnerable because you didn’t want the sister there.

Lightningrain · 03/09/2021 12:32

I imagine his sister will arrange to get to school with her friends within a few weeks once she’s settled in and feels more confident.

I remember being really nervous starting secondary school and I know if I had an older sibling and no friends that lived nearby to walk with I’d have wanted to travel with them until I found my feet.

I’d just say it’s fine for now but DS is intending to start walking again at some point so you can’t guarantee it long term.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Secondary education
SirenSays · 03/09/2021 12:33

why is this year 7 girl our responsibility?! Surely that's for her mum to decide!

Because you pinched the brother she would have been walking with?
I don't see the issue, you're going that way anyway. You haven't said anything bad about her or the family so I presume she won't be anymore hassle than her brother or your son. I'd happily take her and hope they'd all become good friends or stop lifts all together and take your son alone.

Bananarama21 · 03/09/2021 12:37

Have you considered some self defence classes moving forward op

Yesandnosayso · 03/09/2021 12:40

I totally see where you’re coming from, like you said it feels like it’s gone from you lending a hand/being slightly lenient as you are taking your son anyway so why not pick up his friend en route - to add the sister just seems a bit cheeky. Yeah of course it doesn’t add any extra time but it’s still the principle. She can make her own way, go with her own friends? It isn’t your responsibility so I’d lay the boundary down now before you get caught in a cycle of being expected to ferry both her kids to school every day 👀

Branleuse · 03/09/2021 12:41

i can see how this must feel like youre on a slippery slope.

I think i might say something like, Hi, I dont mind doing it sometimes as a favour, but I just wanted to say that I dont want the lifts to be a long term thing, or to be replied upon, or maybe if you prefer the morning to be in the car, we could take it in turns to be fairer

forrestgreen · 03/09/2021 12:41

Actually she should do two weeks and then your dh do a week as she has two ch. or she does three days a week and you do two?

Mum060708 · 03/09/2021 12:42

Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes. I'm completely with you op.

I would say sorry, we don't want to be tied to giving 2 extra kids a lift to school any more, it's just become too much.

TopBlogger · 03/09/2021 12:43

@SirenSays

why is this year 7 girl our responsibility?! Surely that's for her mum to decide!

Because you pinched the brother she would have been walking with?
I don't see the issue, you're going that way anyway. You haven't said anything bad about her or the family so I presume she won't be anymore hassle than her brother or your son. I'd happily take her and hope they'd all become good friends or stop lifts all together and take your son alone.

She "pinched the brother"?? Wish MN would do a laughing emoticon!!

Probably one of the most stupid things I have read on here! "pinched the brother" Grin

Am sure the OP would be more than happy to stop her thieving ways and give the brother back, but she hasn't been asked to stop - no, she has been asked to do more!

Yes, a PP had a good suggestion - one week on, one week off. Only fair

GreyhoundG1rl · 03/09/2021 12:43

@Mum060708

Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes. I'm completely with you op.

I would say sorry, we don't want to be tied to giving 2 extra kids a lift to school any more, it's just become too much.

But op does want to give one of them a lift, for her son's benefit...
ThisOldSaddo · 03/09/2021 12:44

@Crazycrazylady

I understand not wanting to be drawn into a long term commitment but i would be clear with the mum that you'd do it on the days it suited but couldnt commit to a longer term arrangment, The down side for you, is there is no way the mom will let you pick up her son and her daughter walk on her own so she will either a) make them both walk together or b} drive them and you son doesnt have the distraction of a friend on the drive. I suppose you need to decide what's more important to you.
My DH wouldn't be up for it. He's always said no to being locked into things where expectation grows - he also hates everyone else's kids, and often his own three...!
Bollindger · 03/09/2021 12:45

DO not do this.
Repeat, do not do this.
They will expect picking up from front door, and be late and cause your DH stress.
They are using you.

blakeway45 · 03/09/2021 12:47

I remember being at school and my mum would drop me at school because she drive past it on her way to work (I walked home). She also kindly dropped my my next door neighbour off who was my friend. Before long, her friend (not one of my friends), was also getting a lift. Then my friend (next door neighbour) moved house so no longer got a lift with us anymore but the other girl who didn't even talk to me once we were at school still got a lift! I must ask my mum how she felt about this, but even as a teenager I thought this was damn cheeky.

Im with you OP. It's ok as an I for al arrangement but if you're now doing ALL the lifts with nothing in return, I think you can politely say it would work better for you as a family if you could come up with a rota or they all walk.

Bollindger · 03/09/2021 12:53

I did say I was a mum doing morning lift.
I hated it, if you were ill , you felt you were guilty of making a child walk.
If you were on holiday the other part felt put out their lift had gone AWOL.
This mum can chuck a coat on and sort her own DD, you have no responsibility.
To plam the lifts off onto a Man, and know if both boys were away or ill he would have to take a young female alone in a car, is just unfair to your DH,
Stop listening to everyone else and their nice, nice ideas of sharing or petrol money, SAY NO. MEAN NO, and just shrug and say to her you think it is for the best.

Wombatstew · 03/09/2021 12:53

In your op when you said “ Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us” did you mean that the the other boys Mum was taking turns giving them a lift?

OhRene · 03/09/2021 12:54

"Hi friend, the school runs started off so that my son could have his best friend spend time with him going to school together and is now looking to turn in to a strictly school transportation arrangement, it'll be great for us to start sharing school runs. I think us taking your kids one week and you taking DS the other would be great! Let me know what you think!"

Doing a school run for your child's friend is the equivalent of having their mate round for a play date. Since when would them bringing their siblings along be the expectation?

3luckystars · 03/09/2021 12:55

I wouldn’t mind doing it if the parents shred lifts but no otherwise.

starfishmummy · 03/09/2021 12:55

I am someone who will often offer lifts but I think this is something I would baulk at. I sort of forsee it meaning hanging around waiting for one or both of the other kids, requests to drive them right to school rather than walking the last part, being expected to do it even if your son is off etc

Goldbar · 03/09/2021 13:01

Am sure the OP would be more than happy to stop her thieving ways and give the brother back, but she hasn't been asked to stop - no, she has been asked to do more!

Grin. Simplest solution is to give the brother back and stop imo. Sounds like all of them can get to school under their own steam anyway so why rope your DH into it?

SirenSays · 03/09/2021 13:03

Sigh. It was a joke, that whooshing sound you heard was it flying over your head 😂😂😂 Good lord 😅

DoYouWantDecking · 03/09/2021 13:04

@Coolter272 fgs some of the answers here are bonkers

We got into a similar situation - casually giving DS's friend a lift to school as we were going anyway. But then it becomes the expectation. The no "thanks" getting out of the car, the expectation that I will wait for them if they are late or them standing giving dirty looks if we are delayed at all... The parent, in the same situation, was sitting at home in their PJs too, having a leisurely breakfast and no offer to take mine.
Even when this child was snotty to mine and not really "speaking" to them they still turned up for a lift - and no thanks from the parent (who was saved a drive every day) nor the child.

It became so onerous that I decided not to be the unpaid taxi service and made some excuse about covid and let them find their own way.

I think you should start the year off as you mean to go on - before it is absolutely EXPECTED that this is your role and ask that they share the ride. "Now there are three of them it makes more sense that the burden should be shared" (indicating it IS a burden doing the drive all the time and they should recognise this)

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/09/2021 13:05

Having found myself coerced into this sort of commitment twice, I would never do it again. I currently walk my DS and two friends to primary because it makes no difference to me whether it's just us or a few others. Once primary ends, the other parent will have to make her own arrangements.

Previously, with my now adult DD, I ended up twice being completely taken advantage of and had to call a halt one day when I was home only a day after having my baby and the other parent couldn't be arsed to get up and take our older children to school as we had arranged (while I recovered). She just sent her child round and left me with no choice but to take them with a newborn and in my pjs in the car. That was the last straw.

The problem with people like this is the entitlement and inability to see that they should share the load. I'd never do it again. If that makes me shitty then I'm cool with that 🤷🏻‍♀️

OhRene · 03/09/2021 13:06

Probably best as PP suggests. Take your son yourself and his friend can walk with his sister. Your son gets to school without passing his assaulter's house and the girl gets an escort to school. It was nice to have your son's friend as company but you're not a school bus providing free transport for other kids just because you willingly took one for a while.

Lollipop40 · 03/09/2021 13:06

Haven’t rtft but I can see where you’re coming from.

It seems that there is not much reciprocation or gratitude from the other parents, which is ok at the moment as the current situation suits you.

I would probably make sure they understand this is something you will do when you can but is not a long term arrangement. If they drive and don’t work I would probably say that you will be glad of their help on certain days too when you are busy.

We did lifts for a friend’s son for 3 years but she was very grateful and bought us nice presents for birthday and Christmas. It was easy for us as we were going anyway. On occasions that we were busy, the friend or her husband would do it. It’s nice to have friends who can help as you never know what’s round the corner.